Sensations With schizophrenia and meditationย 

Did nice easy Maff aerobic run this morning. It was nice and sunny. Running on an empty stomach straight away in the morning does not seem to bother me but I enjoy my breakfast when I eventually get to it. My pace at going up inclines seems to be getting better by over half a minute in the last week or two. Which makes running much easier. I really am enjoying my running at the moment.

I continue to meditate. Which can give me a very relaxed feeling in my body espically my arms. I continue to get sensations of relaxation in my head during the working day. It’s nice I guess. The only way to describe it is the relaxed sensation I used to get when tipsy just without all the side effects of alcohol. I feel this sensation as I write this. The voices claim they are responsible for this. Not sure if I believe this.

I was watching a film the other day and felt something tap my forehead. Which seemed to cause an intense feeling of relaxation transfer down into my hands. I then sat in a meditative position (I was in my room) and continued to watch the rest of the film feeling content with myself. I did not get the feeling of anxiety I usually get from films, which can cause me to turn off the film.

I woke up the other night , I usually wake around 3, with a very intense sensation in my hands. I would only describe it as raging sensation of relaxation in my hands. I have been woken to strange sensations before but rarely a pleasant type.

I continue to see images when I meditate, but not as much lately, not sure what to make of these so just let them play out as long as they are not to unpleasant.

I have had sensations before with my diagnosis but with the meditation they seen to be mostly pleasant enough. I think the problem starts when I start to put meaning to them like someone else is causing them. I will continue to meditate and just stay grounded as I can and try not to let my mind make connections between things that are not there but I think this is just how my mind works. So I am just trying to sit back and observe all these type of thoughts and just not get swept along with them.

Did my best at work to relax and try to get along with people , I think it’s working but I can be a bit demanding when I am trying to get work out and expect a lot from people and myself.  I think woman who was unhappy with me has relaxed a bit but time will tell. I am still very stressed around here and try to avoid her.

Watched a Ted talk from a monk about the link between great fullness and happiness. It’s worth a look if you have time.  Link to Ted Talks

So all in all I got through the week so I happy enough at that.๐Ÿ˜… Now just Need to relax for weekend to prepare for new week. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’

Thought Projection.

                           
Back from my morning run. The day was nice enough there was a bit of a shower early on. Was in a funny mood this morning. Starting out felt like the 7 miles I wanted to do was a bit intimidating. Which is strange considering I have done marathons. Also during the run I felt like I could just stop and go home even do it felt fine. Did 7 miles at Maff and they went fine, it felt good to get it done in the end. Have bank holiday Monday so might go for a cycle, see how the legs feel. I guess you don’t feel every run sometimes ya just need to get the miles in. 

One of my many running thoughts was I like to pay attention to nature on my runs, everything is in bloom this time of year , I seem to pay special attention to different colours like pink, red, white mixed in with all the green. I thought this is how I would look in a crowd of people. Everyone else is green colours and I would be different colour in with all the green. Not sure if that makes sense. It sounds nicer to me than I have a broken brain.

Since difficult encounter with fellow colleague , I have been trying to avoid looking in their direction as I believe they will freak out at me. I believe the stress of trying to deal with this has caused a flare up in what a psychiatrist would call Phychosis. I really believed people could hear my thoughts. If you can imagine everyone around you could hear your thoughts this is very stressful state of mind to be the in. I did my best to deal with it, I eventually tested it on my dog, since he did not react to any thoughts I had , I made up my mind that this is simply a stress response to what I would perceive as a stressful situation. I would also like to note I would trust my dog pretty much more than most people in my life. Along with this I was paranoid in general I also believed people in radio could hear my thoughts. I also started to obsess about certain thoughts. I would imagine my behaviour would be seen as unusual at work but there’s not much I can do about it. I took next Tuesday off as well as Monday hoping to distress and just relax and excercise for next few days. I did wake up this morning and for the most part forgot what I was obsessing about , and don’t believe people can hear my thoughts. I am happy enough in myself again. I would also like to note there was a time not so long ago I would not have realised my thoughts about thought projection is a stress response and let this get out of control. I believe I am about 4000% better at dealing and recogniseing this sort of flare up when they happen.

I did realise there is more or less no one in my life I could tell I was having a flare up in Phychosis. My family and doctor would overreact and would try to medicate the life out of me. I have one friend I don’t talk to much anymore, not sure how he would react if I tried to explain this stuff to him. I did have one therapist who said I don’t know why your telling me people can hear your thoughts there is nothing I can do about it. I think I would like to share it with someone so I guess this post will do. I guess to deal with it I would have to change my reaction to stress or simply remove myself from the stressful situations. I guess learning and dealing with stress differently would help. Hopefully meditation and reading up on mindfulness will have some impact on this.

The voices are still the same but for the most part leave me alone when I meditate. But not always sometimes they join in with mantra type meditation. I believe they find the type where you just focus on your breath the most stressful. They can call me unhelpful names during this. I guess it can make it colourful type of meditation, I usually consider it hard core meditation when I am being blasted with violent names but simply sit there just breathing which can sometimes happen.๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ’

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Being called a gobshite.

Back from my morning run. It went well and the weather is nice. The running is going well at the moment hope it continues to do so. It’s great that the mornings are getting bright I can head out earlier in the morning. According to my fancy watch I land to much on one leg. Rang a local coach about strength training to sort out. He said talk to physio so popping in Monday evening to see if can get it sorted out. I continue to slowly but surely build an aerobic base. Have upped my runs to 4 times a week see how it goes for a month and then review.

gobshite (plural gobshites) (Ireland, Britain, slang, moderately offensive) One who engages in nonsensical chatter or unwanted conversation. What’s that gobshite talking about now? (Ireland, Britain, slang, moderately offensive) A person of very poor judgment and unpleasant character.

So at work last Friday and I believe my odd behaviour got me called a gobshite by woman in office. I was not really paying attention at the time and did not react. I guess I could give out about it but I guess people can find my behaviour odd and have reacted badly in the past as well. Also she is definitely not going to another job. So I guess I have to consider is it really worth the bother of working with a person like this. I did obsess about how to try and talk to her and try to explain I really am doing my best to fit in, I guess I just don’t fit in. If they bring it up Monday I decided to explain my position that her behaviour of staring at me as she goes past also makes me paranoid as hell and causes me all kinds of stress. I guess I would just be telling them I am just mad, “in most people’s eyes I am mad but I am just trying to make a living and get by”. I am hoping it will just die down but knowing her temperament I am going to hear a lot more about this. 

As I mentioned I am currently obsessing about how to fix this but working hard on practising mindfulness and keeping my thoughts off the subject and just relax for the weekend. Hopefully jotting it down here will have the effect of getting it out of my head.

Had a new experience with the voices during week. I woke up and they were very agitated nothing new there but I just focused my mind on the silence in my head and breathing. I felt completely calm and would describe it as sitting in the middle of a storm of voices and just being totally calm and happy about the position I was in. I have experienced this a little since when I tried to replicate it. I believe it is a nice side affect of the meditation I have been practising since the start of the year.

I continue to eat healthy and the weight is fine even with the antipsychotic medication. My motivation was down a little this week but got my work done and my runs in so I am happy with that. I believe the motivation is picking up a bit today again. I am still practising meditation at least twice a day and am trying to bring mindfulness practise into my day to day stuff. Had a couple of nights of waking up a bit with one or two bad dreams but last night only woke up twice so hopefully sorting itself out again. I am still getting sensations of relaxation I usually get in meditation during the day when not meditating I think this is normal not sure to be honest.

Hope this post finds you well๐Ÿ˜€

Keep up the good fight๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

ย  Autogenics or Madness

Back from my morning run it went well. Lovely morning for run, My Maff pace is gradually picking up as I go. Eventually hope to be back running at same pace on my long runs at the lower Maff heart rate. I am really getting back into my running and feeling exited at the little pick ups in pace even if I am still quite slow.

I had an some experiences during the week which I was not sure what to make of. I was interacting with people in the office and realised my social skills were so bad that the holiday I had planned was just not going to work. I was planning to go to Thai land next November or so but realised I would probably spend all of the time sitting in the hotel room. Seems a bit expensive to go on holidays and just sit in hotel room so as not to deal with the stress of having to interact with people. I was looking forward to the holiday and had inquired about prices but decided to give it a miss. I did feel very disappointed at this and could feel my self get depressed but as this happened the relaxed feeling I get from practiseing autogenics seemed to start at top of my head and flow into my limbs. I was not sure what to make of the sensation and tried to just go with the flow. The feelings of depression stopped. I decided to put my energies into training for Cork to Cobh race next October so I had something to look forward to. My mind went onto other matters and a few minutes later I thought I am supposed to be depressed but was surprised to find I simply did not feel so.

A day or so later the idea that my thoughts are being heard by people around me became quite strong. This had caused me a lot of problems in the past. I don’t act on any of this type of thought process as I once asked a boss in previous job can you hear my thoughts . He looked at me as if I had 50 heads and completely mad. I then talked to myself about this and it did not make sense and I had no real evidence to support this. Still 1 minute after I explained this to myself I was back wondering what everyone made of my thoughts. I smiled at myself and every time this thought process popped up I would do most best to just focus on my breathing and not obsess on the thought which I know from experience is just not healthy. This thought process has stopped since thankfully.

Yesturday at work when talking to people I felt the same relaxed sensation I get from meditation kick in without trying to provoke it. I felt very relaxed for the rest of the day at work. The voices I hear claimed they where responsible for this and if I would just interact with people more I would feel more of the same. I go to lengths to avoid people as they are just to stressful. It’s hard to believe anything the voices say as they were back saying there job is to destroy everything  I am a few minutes after saying they made me feel relaxed. I have started to tell the voices my job is to keep us alive and well and maybe get few extras out of life along the way.

I practise one shaman type meditation each night I usually feel energy entering my body and I feel quite refreshed after it. I have not studied it more than this but enjoy the practise of it so will keep it up.

Not sure if these sensations of relaxed states of mind and body are from meditation or just more signs the world things I’m mad. If anyone who practises meditation and experiences these things do let me know in the comments.

I can still wake up a few times a night but seem to get by on what sleep I get. Still get annoyed at things but in general feeling good about the week.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜€

Link to autogenics if your interested

Link to Maff training if anyone interested

100 like me and my weekly stuff

Was out for a great run this morning and the weather is great. It was nice running (let’s call it shuffling) along the road. Tried to practise little mindfulness by paying attention to my breath my footsteps and a bit of nature. This made the run more enjoyable. My pace is still slow but bit by bit my maff pace is getting better and better for some parts of the run was in the 10 minute mile range which is where I am aiming for it to be. Even managed to jog albeit slowely up the hill I usually have to walk in places to keep heart rate low so feeling chuffed with myself at the moment. Link below to Maff  if anyone interested in it.

Link to Maff training type
Was nominated by  Yourenotaloneinthisworld (great blog by the way worth checking out)to pick a song I like which meant something to me. Only getting around to it now. The song is 100 like me the lyric “there must be 100 like me I am not the only one hiding“. When I heard it and first realised it was about different people and ther mental health I got emotional. I guess it made me feel not alone in my struggles and in hiding my illness. I think I hide it to avoid the stigma but sometimes I wonder is it just not to make people around me uncomfortable. I think the song is great and the video is also worth a look. See link below it’s definitely worth a listen.

Link to YouTube song 100 like me

Noticed the early onset of a bit of an episode yesturday evening but listened to some music and tried to focus on my breath and the episode came to a full stop. Had to try very hard to not let my thoughts go to a dark place my voices where somewhat supportive during this phase, as soon as I pulled out of it they went back to there usual ways. I think the best I can do is spot a negative line of thought and stop it before I get carried away. I guess I need practise at this.

Been practising some shaman meditation to my usual stuff . I am not sure if I should given my minds capacity to get carried away with things. I want to ask someone’s advice about it but no clue who to ask about this. For example when I visualise drawing energy from the ground I literally feel the sensation of it rising in my body. I believe a physiatrist would call this tactile hallucination I don’t know if it’s normal to feel these things for every one when practiseing or just myself. Saw a shaman once when I was going through hell years ago I recall him saying I was a super sensitive given the way I reacted to some things. Not sure what to make of it for now all I intend to practise is the meditation from it and stay grounded and just see where it goes.

My dreams for the most part where fine had one difficult night. They are still very vivid and can wake me up but I am we’ll practised at getting back to sleep.

Not sure if I will go back to therapy. I am not saying I am closing the door to it just that I am seeing how I get on with out it for a while , I may give it a go again but the last time I went. Really had nothing’s to say.

I got my raise in work, they seem happy with me said to keep up the good work.

Was doing some research on mindfulness they mentioned you may become aware of things in your life you where previously unaware off. The one thing that has really stood out for me has been the level of violence in the way people in the house communicate with each other. The language they use is incredible. You would not hear it in a movie with bad language. I also noticed that at times my own inner speech can reflect this as well. Making more of an effort to be more compassionate to myself and how I think of others. It’s taking a bit of effort but I think it’s worth it.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜Š

Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening?ย 

Read some links during the week from hearing voices network ireland on facebook. Thought they where very interesting. 

The first link is a guy who examines how indigenous people treat people who hear voices. It basically states that they are not treated with any stigma. That in general they would have a mentor who has been through something similar themselves who guides them through this process and then they possible end up as a type of healer for the community. It suggests they are able to induce a altered state of mind which they can get useful bits of information from.

I would like to point out they basically contribute to there community and also survive with out the use of antipsychotics. I can’t help but wonder if someone from western society who hears voices went to the indigenous healer who also hears voices, would they be willing to teach them how they live with the voices. And would it be similar to the voice dialog that is promoted by the hearing voices networks.

I guess I am just letting my thoughts run away with me but I would be interested in travelling to meet such people to learn what I could from them. Anywho see link below to Ted talk I thought it was very interesting, if you have a look let me know what you think in the comments.

Link to Ted talks
The next link is about a woman Rachel. Who briefly explains her story of her experience’s of mental health services. Very interesting woman well worth a look.

Rachel’s Story

Weeks summary:

I have a recurring dream where I am trying to get down the stairs from my room to the living room in the house I grew up in and I am in a anxious state of mind. I got down the stairs during the week and burst into the living room in an upset state of mind. To find my mother and uncle with a child version of myself just sitting there.

I then thought I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. One of my voices said what do you expect from us all we can do is Viking speak and then said eat shit and die, I laughed at this as I have come to do of most insults. I then realised I was still dreaming. So I went off down the stairs again, along the way I meet my childhood dog and asked him to come with me. I find the sitting room door tied shut . I tear it open and find the grandfather who abused me sitting on a chair watching TV with a fire lighting. He got up and backed away from me with an alarmed look on his face. I grab him and tell him to get the fuck out of my head he replies I don’t know where it is. I try to punch through his head but struggle to do so, so I then proceed to squash him into the fireplace to burn him while my dog looks on , I then woke up . Bit of a heavy dream tried little bit of meditation after it to relax before I got on with my day. My dreams since have been happy enough , my sleep self also seems to excipiet a stronger ability to control things in the dreams which is nice.

I basically gave up the idea of telling work I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I decided it’s just nice to have a place where I am not treated as if I am going to freak out at any second and attack everyone, which is the way it is at home at times which is not nice to live with.Plus telling them this may cost me my job and like every one else I need the money.

Still practising meditation and running away at my slow pace but both practises seem to keep me happy.

Considering changing name of my blog to voicehearer548 as schizophrenia548 does not really feel right anymore.

I also went back to my previous therapist and realised when I was in there I really did not have anything to say. So he flicked through this blog and mentioned the other therapist I had been seeing seemed very judgemental which he would consider to be wrong , especially when it came to my parents.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Dreams Voices, ย Meditationย 


Mediatiation & Voices

Practicing meditation away. Seems like an enjoyable process. The autogenics and mantra meditation are much easier than just mindfulness breathing. I find just trying to be aware of my breathing extremely difficult as my mind can be very busy and if it’s quite the voices are not inclined to speak up.

I had an experience during the week which I have not had in over 10 years. While practising mantra meditation (which I have been doing for few weeks) . I do have quite times without voices but anytime I become aware that it is quite in my mind the voices kick in, so it is unusual to get to enjoy just having a quite mind. I was saying my mantra over and over and noticed there where no voices in my mind at the time, which would usually lead to them swearing at me but nothing happened. This continued on for a while and even when I reached out for them. I think I experienced this once while sleeping in the last 10 years or so. It might not sound like a big deal but I sort of felt normal for just a little while. Whatever normal is supposed to be.

The voices still call me bad stuff but I think the 2 main woman who I hear have mellowed a little bit. They would argue that its me who has changed and it is becoming almost impossible to insult me anymore. It’s hard to tell maybe it’s just me who’s changed my reaction time them but I think they have mellowed a bit from what I remember of them in the past. The voice Beatrice says she has not mellowed and to not write this in my ear as I read over it but I wrote it anyway.

WORK

I asked my boss for a raise. He said he was happy with my work and I deserved one and would look into it and let me know Monday. I guess the feeling of not fitting in is something I always get in groups of people, and leaving purely because of this will just keep happening in every job so will stick it out and see what happens.

RUNNING

Training away during the week it seems to be going fine again. My average Maff pace is about 12:00min/mile which is slow running but it is slowely getting faster again and it feels like I am back running again as apposed to just shuffling along. Going up hills is a disaster while trying to keep,heart rate down but all in all it feels good. It’s good to be back running gives the mind something else to focus on.

Deppression

Had an odd realisation during the week. I was sitting there working away and my thoughts started to get negative and I started feeling down for no reason. This can happen to me from time to time. I started to catch each negative thought before it could take route, and say thing like I caught you and laugh to the thought in my head. I believe this was deppression. I was diagnosed with it and depressive episodes I believe are part of schizophrenia. I just never put the two toghter till now. I find it odd I never realised this. I felt down a bit for rest of day but went for a run and more or less got rid of this frame of mind by next morning. It really taints the whole thought process and is difficult to realise it’s happening. Need to be more aware of this going forward.


Dreams

I am just going to jot down what’s going on in my dreams this morning not sure anyone is interested.

I simplified my instructions to my sleep self to just enjoy yourself and have good and peaceful dreams and To seek friends and allies to help me in my dreams.

I found my sleep self going around in my dream saying hello friend how are you to just about everything.

I always wake up in bed in my dream and go looking around the house in the dream . I meet a person purely made up of hands Touching at finger tips with a very compassionate set of eyes. I shook there hand. Then answered the door to a postman giving me mail saying to run 5 miles. When I went for a run later that morning in my waking life I did 5 miles , I guess that sounds mad but it seemed like a good idea.

I then went outside in the dream and kept saying hello to everyone I meet and asking how are you friend. Also something I noticed there are very few men in my dreams mostly just woman. Not sure what to make of it. Everyone then went up along a fence and I saw a pig sleeping in a tree and a brown bull in a very friendly manner approached me like he was a friendly dog. I patted him and said hello. He then died and branches grew out of his stomach. Not sure if everyone has dreams like this or are mine just nutty.

I also had a dream of lying in bed and looking at shadows on the ceilings. Which would then drop of the ceilings on to me. I don’t seem to be afraid of them in my dream. I think they represent repressed sexuality. Not sure what to make of them.

Well I have ranted on long enough hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight โœŠ๐ŸพโœŠ๐Ÿป๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผ

Link to autogenics
Link to Maff running