Hi, hope your well. Just some thoughts to get out of my head. So sticking here. I was in a hearing voices group the other day and got to thinking about some of the toughest marathons I have done. I barely run around the house these days but I am getting back into shape.
I ran the Dublin marathon it was my third marathon and it was bloody brutal but I got around. On the drive up to Dublin from Cork the sister stomach got sick and she started puking, she was driving but we got there.
I got up the next morning and my stomach was sick and I did not feel 100% I had to make a decision to run or not to run. I had spend months training and travelled up from Cork and paid to stay in Hotel over night. So I was going running. I hit around mile 12 I actually felt fine at about mile 12 and a half I completely feel to pieces. My body just lost all energy I had nothing left in the tank, I was beat and done. I was strongly considering sitting down and waiting for the ambulance at the back of the marathon to catch up and just pick me up on the way. This was my third marathon and I don’t like to give up being given labels like schizophrenia etc. I always had a little something to prove.
My voices were quite at the time but did mention the whole failure as a schizophic. I made the decision to keep going and said to them just one step at a time and see what happens. They went quite with a caution maybe it was time to sit this one out.
They had loud clackers as we went around people would clack them in your face to encourage you. I kept feeling I was going to throw up every time someone did. I remember a kid doing so and I could not even respond, he said why did I not respond to his parents and I muttered I am in struggling and managed a smile.
Every mile hurt but step by step I just kept moving along. I have no idea how but got from mile 12 to 26 As I crossed the finish line I remember hearing aloud banging sound. I had no idea what it was and then realized it was the sound of my feet hitting the grounded very heavily as I crossed the finish line. My leg cramped violently and I could not run another step but I did not need to. This a picture of myself going around no clue what mile, I hardly look the picture of health. If I ever think of running a marathon please have me committed ( just kidding please don’t I have had the experience not a good look ).
I would consider hearing voices a blessing but at times it can truly be testing and almost impossible. I have spend years at relative piece with my voices from a place of utter hell with them. They had a melt down again last year but with a few ups and downs I am on the mend again. A change of address to the countryside helped a lot.
I was thinking of the early days I had my more intense voice hearing days. I was asked by my father to just sweep up the floor in the workshop he was moving out off. I began sweeping what should off taken a 10 minute job dragged on way to long. The voices just went ape it just felt like they where shouting and pushing me down with what felt physical force or emotions of an unpleasant nature. I ended up sitting on the floor with a pile of dust sweeped up with brush in hand task completed and I felt broken and just sat there listening to voices just unload on me. This was the early stage of this part of the hearing voices in my life I had no coping mechanisms and no idea which was up or down or what was going on.
This simple task was just heart breaking, I mean I just felt broken. I would consider this simple task a lot harder than running the marathon above and that f**ker was tough.
If my voices tried this now it is still difficult but it would have no ware the same effect and I can usually get things done. Time, experience and searching for healing and what works is truly important.
I have started my own HV group on a Sunday at 4pm Irish Time. It is just for voice hearers feel free to drop by if so. See zoom link below.
Love and Light Keep up the Good fight.