I turned 40 last year and in the last ten years there has been a lot of drama. I suffered with problems with my mental health since I was a child. I remember lots of strange memories of things that I now realise never happened.
These usually involved interacting with spirits and people around me freaking out but usually were not negative. I have many memories which seem as real as anything else I remember. I guess this gave me an odd sense of reality.
Other than being quiet and shy as a child I never was questioned on my mental health and continued in my odd little world.
As I grew up and went to college I did not change much. I grew to hate interacting with people and went to a lot of trouble to avoid them. I don’t have much to say and interacting with people causes me a lot of stress. In college I grew very depressed, rarely showed up and no clue how I scraped through 3 years of it. The hallucination’s grew a lot worse during college. The way I lived at the time did not help cutting myself of from people. I was also trying to deal with being sexually abused as a child which really did not help the situation. I just kept to myself and drank a lot and ate a lot of bad food.
My first memory of hearing voices was when I was a about 25. Can’t remember this happening before this . They copied the voices of people around me which was confusing.
I continued on in life avoiding people, drinking and eating poorly. In my early 30’s things got very bad, I was hearing voices regularly and some visual hallucinations. My paranoia was very bad and my sense of reality was not good. I went through a bad couple of years which I might go into in a different post. In and out of hospitals and a few suicide attempts.
They eventually ended up injecting my once every 2 weeks with medication which eventually helped with some of the symptoms but I have heard voices for last 10 years or so every day.
I had been out of work a few years and had put on a lot of weight. I was watching tv one day and decided there must be more to life than this. I started walking every day and eating healthy food. I lost around 7 stone and eventually got lucky and got a job.
I took up running and have 3 marathons to my name. I still hear voices every day telling me I am evil but I think I have got used to them, I still have bad days like everybody else but I get by.
I read books about people surviving schizophrenia, from what I have read most people suffering from it just want to get by and get a job, not axe welding nutters (seriously I don’t even have an axe).
I don’t tell anyone about it because of the stigma and I am a bit of a coward. It would be nice some day to be able to talk openly about it but I don’t see it happening in my life time.
I intend to blog about stuff relevant to my mental health and my love of running. I hope this post finds you well. Saw another blog like this and thought I would give it a go.
All The best.