Me and my schizophrenia

I turned 40 last year and in the  last ten years there has been a lot of drama. I suffered with problems with my mental health since I was a child. I remember lots of strange memories of things that I now realise never happened.

These usually involved interacting with spirits and people around me freaking out but usually were not negative. I have many memories which seem as real as anything else I remember. I guess this gave me an odd sense of reality.

Other than being quiet and shy as a child I never was questioned on my mental health and continued in my odd little world.

As I grew up and went to college I did not change much. I grew to hate interacting with people and went to a lot of trouble to avoid them. I don’t have much to say and interacting with people causes me a lot of stress. In college I grew very depressed, rarely showed up and no clue how I scraped through 3 years of it. The hallucination’s grew a lot worse during college. The way I lived at the time did not help cutting myself of from people. I was also trying to deal with being sexually abused as a child which really did not help the situation. I just kept to myself and drank a lot and ate a lot of bad food.

My first memory of hearing voices was when I was a about 25. Can’t remember this happening before this . They copied the voices of people around me which was confusing.

I continued on in life avoiding people, drinking and eating poorly. In my early 30’s things got very bad, I was hearing voices regularly and some visual hallucinations. My paranoia was very bad and my sense of reality was not good. I went through a bad couple of years which I might go into in a different post. In and out of hospitals and a few suicide attempts.

They eventually ended up injecting my once every 2 weeks with medication which eventually helped with some of the symptoms but I have heard voices for last 10 years or so every day.

I had been out of work a few years and had put on a lot of weight. I was watching tv one day and decided there must be more to life than this. I started walking every day and eating healthy food. I lost around 7 stone and eventually got lucky and got a job.

I took up running and have 3 marathons to my name. I still hear voices every day telling me I am evil but I think I have got used to them, I still have bad days like everybody else but I get by.

I read books about people surviving schizophrenia, from what I have read most people suffering from it just want to get by and get a job, not axe welding nutters (seriously I don’t even have an axe).

I don’t tell anyone about it because of the stigma and I am a bit of a coward. It would be nice some day to be able to talk openly about it but I don’t see it happening in my life time.

I intend to blog about stuff relevant to my mental health and my love of running. I hope this post finds you well. Saw another blog  like this and thought I would give it a go.

All The best.

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27 thoughts on “Me and my schizophrenia

  1. Hi – great to meet you. You should read some more of my posts. I have all of my detailed life history on my blog, in great detail! 🙂 Might be worth a read. My Path to change is also a great read.

    Quite awesome that you’re coping strategies have increased. I struggled with many years with this. In and out of Psych wards, tussling with my addictions and so on!

    I really really found coping strategies in writing. I’ve blogged a lot of stuff in the path, but by just getting it out there eased the tension 🙂

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    1. I feel the same way. I have been suffering for the last 10 years or so. I also tend to avoid people and spend more time talking to my voices. I use writing as an outlet and just started blogging a few months ago. My voices are also loud and clear and tend be negative. I ended up in hospitals and things. And nothing will take them away. The meds I take only help with my other symptoms like insomnia and depression and they talk to me every day. I have packed on a lot of pounds over the years as well. So I also struggle with my weight too. But I try to have hobbies as a way to take away keep me occupied. I also try to laugh as much as possible and find humor in everything. My post are poems as I was inspired by another blogger to write each post as a poem. I do not work at the moment but I do aspire to be a writer since I enjoy writing so much. I have gone through some horrible experiences and felt like I was going crazy. It’s hard to explain and write about but yes I do have experience that would seem more supernatural rather than symptoms of a mental illness.

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      1. Best of luck with it. I am currently looking into hearing voices workshops and website s they make a lot of sense to me in understanding my voice hearing experience. The voices were tiny bit positive after I did a workshop a week ago. Definitely worth a look if have time.

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    2. I want to thank you for your courage to blog about living with schizophrenia. The stigma in our society about mental illness bears heavy on those who are affected by it. I think it is so important to hear the stories of people with mental illness. My mother suffered from paranoid schizophrenia and ended up losing her life to it just three months ago. Unfortunately, the health care system and people around her failed her . I think a big part of my mom losing the battle with her illness is that there is such a stigma attached to it so she always tried to go off her medication ( or self-medicate) to prove to herself she is just fine. But it is not a weakness just a sign that you are simply human. Thank you for sharing. Best, Tanja

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      1. Hi , I am very sorry to hear about your mother , I also agree there is a large stigma around this illness which stops people from seeking help and when they do in my experience it can be hard to find the right people to help you, but they are there, again sorry to hear about your mother , hope your well , it has become my hope to help fight against the stigma just a little with this blog.

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      2. Thank you for your kind words. It has been hard since grief is my constant companion these days blanketing me in a steady stream of heaviness of shear sadness. It is especially hard because it did not have to happen .It is a hard pill to swallow that my Mother had simply selfish people around her not willing to step in when they saw someone in need of help. Thanks again.Best, Tanja

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  2. I am moved with every word you say. I have lived with voices and more for many years. But I got lucky, and discovered by chance that I could shut them up be writing what they say and putting the script into a free online text to speech converter, and playing it back to them. It really shits ’em. Jsut writing down exacly what they say not only subdues them, but it really clearly identified their lies, and made them really ignorable. Loved and hated reading your post. Loved your strength, honest and resilliance. Hated that it happened to you. Thanks for doing it, and going through it. I like to think that bloggers liike us make such an inportant contribution to reducing the impact of the disease, becuase isolation is reduced thorugh works like this. And that is great.

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  3. Hello. Thank you for following my blog. I’m newer to this site and I hope I leave some good insight for you when I post. At the very least, I am trying to bring an alternative understanding of schizophrenia to light through personal experiences. I see you were reading about people with schizophrenia who are making it successfully by finding work and achieving other goals of theirs. I hope I can contribute to that and help others understand that schizophrenia doesn’t necessarily have to be a death sentence. If there are any topics you would like to hear me talk about and maybe get an alternate opinion I would be happy to blog about my perspective and understanding and maybe we can start a discussion about the question or topic at hand. 🙂

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    1. I struggle like every one who has this illness , but believe there is life beyond the diagnosis, I hold a job and manage my life , even if some days are a struggle . I have read stuff on here that would imply people with my illness are incapable of maintaining anything resembling a normal life, which I disagree with. I have gotten people’s pity but I don’t need it . I struggle but I manage. The stigma around the illness is stupid and unwarranted, I would like to think some of my posts help fight this. I guess I also would like to paint a more positive picture of the illness , but try to be honest about the symptoms, I am afraid to Wright about some symptoms in case they paint the illness in a negative light. I wish you the best and look forward to reading your posts. 🙌

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I, too, look forward to reading your posts. I also want to express my symptoms but hope it doesn’t get others with the illness down and out about it too, so I know how you feel. I’m personally going to say here’s this bad thing that happened, but here is how I’m coping. It may not be better now but there is a light to reach as long as I cope according to my needs. I have hope. Even if that means changing lifestyles. This is within styles that are physically possible. I understand that my cognition difficulties make it hard so I have to work with my strengths. I am personally looking for a new job as I can’t retain the proper memory to carry out the tasks that are asked of me. It’s hard because it’s all auditory directions when I thrive in visual. Anyways, thank you for hearing me out on my new blog page. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks. I’m working with supportive employment right now. The only downside is that it is a rather long process because of my limitations and they need to find a specific employer that can provide to my strengths that will also hire diversity. Do you do freelance art that pays? I thought about doing something like that but couldn’t make enough or fast enough to support myself so I had to make it a side thing as extra income and a type of therapy for me. Do you have a site that you show your work on? I would like to see it if that’s ok. I’m also talking to someone about being a personal speaker in certain educational classes where people who work with the public need to know how to adapt with those who have invisible illnesses. I wanted to give them a personal experience kind of touch and not the, “Well the book I read said so so this is the correct way to handle this situation,” kind of advice.

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      3. The personal speaker Thing sounds very interesting. I am currently saving money for phycology course next year. Always meant to take up art might look for a course in it . I was once out of work for few years and believed I would not work again but I got lucky. I hope you find a job soon it is great to have few Bob in your pocket again.

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      4. Thanks. About the speaking thing. I did recieve word that the teacher was super excited that I was willing to stand in front of a class and speak about something so sensitive of a topic. To me, though, it’s easier coming out to strangers than loved ones. I don’t care if strangers reject me but loved ones is harder. Baby steps, I guess. I can’t wait for my simulation for auditory hallucinations. I tested it on some friends and I really got through to one of them. I personally think it was a success. All I ever wanted was for someone close to me to understand and just show a different respect for me as my struggles aren’t your neurotypical struggles, as you and I both know in our own repsects. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      5. No clue how you could stand in front of people like that and talk about it. Truly that is very brave and again sounds very interesting. I have been tempt to tell people in work about it but there is so much stigma about it , I just keep it to myself but maybe one day.

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      6. I hope one day you may be able to also. Perhaps this is your first step being on here and all. 🙂 To be fair, only my therapy friends know. Not family or anybody that I live with.

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  4. Hey, really interesting to hear your story, and progression of how things happened. I really like the way you say your voices “copied” people you know. I have the same but never thought to say copied, i jst said the voices were other people. I always talk to people about my schizophrenia, and have never had a bad response, most people are just interested i tend to find. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t be chicken, honestly most people won’t react the way you think. I tell everyone, from work mates to my hairdresser, and as said, most people are just really curious about it. I nornally say “serious mental health problems” rather than schizophrenia, as schiz is just such a scary word generally i think. But every person i’ve told about it has been sympathetic, and most people have either had similar problems themselves or know someone who has and want to chat about it! Also-thanks a lot for this site, am hoping to check out a few of them and maybe publish 🙂

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