Where I am at for now(trigger warning)

Just wanted to jot down some notes at where my life is at for the moment.

I am continuing my medication and for the most part I am balanced enough.

I still have audio hallucinations but they do say the occasional positive thing now it is not all negative. I started telling them story’s each night. I would start by asking them do they want a story, if yes I would ask was there any particular topic . I would then make an effort to make up a story that they would listen to. She (Beatrice I have come to calling here instead of just hurling insults at each other) would then usually complain the story was not much good which to be fair it isn’t but it is better than the interaction we used to have where she would get very aggressive. For the most part they let me work away during the day.

The voices during the day are Beatrice and Mary and just Beatrice at night and the morning. Mary seems to have takin an interest in my training were I breath just through my noise (which I will go through later). They are both still adamant I am evil and there purpose is to destroy me but I no longer believe I am evil. I used to have a lot of thoughts about not wanting to live but they are not as strong. Possible they are just acting out this part of my being it’s hard to tell.

I still get tactile hallucinations (feeling of being touched when there is no one there) which can be a bit disturbing. However I have had this so long it doesn’t really bother me anymore , it seems to relate to being abused as a child.

I get very little visual hallucinations, at the moment they are inclined to be in the morning. For example I woke up and saw my motorbike helmet floating on the ceiling. I said to myself come on brain and it disappeared. Also see shadows but when I stare at them they disappear and again something I have gotten used to. I can get bit paranoid about shadows but I keep it under control.

In general I can spot paranoid thought and keep them under control. I try to monitor my thoughts in general. If I find a particular thought process going down bad path I try to correct it. In general I try to stay as positive as possible. Which brings me to the negative symptoms of my illness.

I have found my motivation a bit lacking from time to time but I keep going and seem to manage. Also feel a little depressed sometimes but I think no more than anyone else. I seem to get through the day and things generally work out.

My sleep is not perfect I can wake during the night but can get back to sleep again. My dreams can be disturbing and wake me but in general I get enough sleep. Started reading a book about understanding dreams but find it very vague.

Started back running after some time off only have few runs done but I guess it’s going ok. Got some gout in my big toe made it tricky to run. I am modifying my diet to eat less beef hopefully this will sort it out. I saw a test in a book that said a person should be able to hold there breath for 50 secs,  I could barely manage 27 at first which it stated this is an issue with my diagram. I started walking by just breathing through my noise which was difficult at first but gradually got easier. I tried some light jogging doing the same. I think it’s been about 2 months of this and can now hold my breath for 40 seconds, I hope this continues to improve and gets up to the 50 seconds. My weight thankfully has stayed the same when I have not been running.

I got the idea to build an extension on to the house. And build a bathroom down stairs. Started saving money in the credit union for last few months. I believe it will take 4 years to get money saved. Started drawing plan on cad which woman in work is giving me a hand in doing which is useful as she has some experience at it. No idea if it will ever happen but it will be handy to have money saved either way. I find it useful to set goals like this helps keep me motivated.

It has gone a bit quite at work which has me a little worried. Started taking on extra work else were just in  case I get let go. Plus the money would useful for extension.

Doing some free courses online to keep busy. I hate turning on television before 6 in the evening as I consider that a waste of a day. Currently doing courses on mental health and maths. Considering paying for course with open university but will hold off until work picks up a bit.

As always no real social life or love life but I am mostly happy enough with my life and find people very stressful to interact with. The interaction with people at work is enough for me.

I am still seeing a councillor once in a while, I don’t have much to say but it can be nice to talk. I did a course recently which pointed out the fact that recovery from my illness, some might consider to be managing my illness so I can function in society. I think for the moment and hopefully the foreseeable future I can consider my self recovered (Beatrice point out she hates me writing that after all her efforts to do otherwise, I do my best to keep the peace with her but I am no saint).

I also find WordPress interesting for people who are going through similar things and finding general information on my illness.

I think I have rambled on long enough, hope this post finds you well.

Enjoy.

Advertisements