Books and some thoughts.

BOOKS:

When I struggle with my concept of reality, Phychosis etc. I like to read about other people struggles with the label schizophrenia. The book the Quiet Room is one of the better books , definitely worth a read if your interested in the subject.

The Quiet Room
The book below I am currently reading. I find it interesting as it try’s to deal within the persons belief system, rather than trying to medicate them away which is like a band aid, and like all band aids it eventually falls off.

Beyond Belief
SOME THOUGHTS:

I was sitting down doing some work the other day. Was listening to some music engaging with voices a little bit. Laughing a little at some of there reactions. The father came in so I finished up and went stairs, if he saw me laughing to myself he would stick me in the nut house in a blink of an eye.

I sat down the day after to do the same but some new voices kicked in catching me unawares. I stayed calm and tried to deal with it. They were calling me evil and not wanting to do any work, which I did not want to do either but the sister is out of work and struggling to keep up mortgage payments so the money comes in handy.

This continued until I finished up work. So I went for a walk. One of the voices reminded me off my grandfather who abused me. The voice said do not compare me to him. I then felt the emotion of hurt it was quite overwhelming, I was trying to figure out how I felt and one the voices suggest betrayal. As best as I could figure out I felt hurt and betrayed by my grandfather. I have never felt this before in my life I believe I felt anger as mentioned in previous posts but this was new to me. I have only felt numb up until now.

I went for my morning run and thought it would be quite in my head but it was not. Among other things we discussed how evil was a social construct. What is accepted by one society/country would be completely unacceptable in another society/country. From this I pointed out I was evil in my voices belief system but I was not evil in my belief system. What is considered evil and what is not depends on the person viewing what is considered evil. Hope that makes sense.

I read some articles about emotional intelligence. They mentioned how emotional intelligent people are able to label there emotions. I am very poor at this but have been trying to make an effort to do so for last week or two. Below is a link as to why this would be important.

Emotional intelligence
Keep up the good fight✊🏻

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General update and useful links

Triggering waning child abuse mentioned

General Stuff

I was going for my morning walk the other day, and I started asking myself why I struggle so much on the run up to xmass. I asked myself why over and over again, other than the obvious darker days. Suddenly a memory popped into my head.

When the sexual abuse stopped at around age 6-8, my grandfather used to call to the house at xmass I think for few years afterwards. He gave money to my parents for xmass. The memory popped in to my head of thinking the bastard is calling again. This would make me feel uneasy on the run up to xmass every year. I used to stare at him with utter hatred and I remember him just laughing. I belive he made an effort to give the money to my parents while I was watching. I could not but help thing this was hush money to keep my quiet. I believe this went on for few years.

I know it sounds silly for a grown man to say but I believe this uneasy feeling has stayed with me through the years without me realising what it is. I intend to mention this to my therapist to get her opinion in the new year.

Also my post Just another episode , you can read this on my site if you scroll back one or two posts, were I was discussing about intense angry feeling. On the night my therapist was asking my to write letter to my grandfather and I struggled with it. I went home and my mother was talking to my sister about my grandfather. He had a government bond and it won 20 euro and someone had to go and collect it. I think this also triggered something off in my rather odd brain. Even do he is long dead thankfully. It seems he is still paying them money to keep my quiet(I know that sounds a bit mad but it’s hard to let go of the past when it’s thrown in your face like that). I now I could be reaching but I intent to discuss this with my therapist  just to help get perspective on it.

Links

Been looking a little bit online about my label. There are some very useful sites , I have only started looking at them but would like to stick up here in case any one found them useful. I think most of them are in U.K. But the information is still good.

Intervoice Site
Hearing voices site
Recovery Site
Paranoia web site
Interesting woman she runs courses during the year
Medication

I have started on a lower dose of medication to see how I get on, for last few months. I think I am doing fine, as mentioned in previous post I did have an episode which I dealt with as best I could , there was a time I would not have been able to do this.

I have had the same symtoms and unusual beliefs for the last ten years or so. Everyone around me believes I am doing so well because of medication. But I believe since I have the same symtoms I had ten years ago and I have basically learned to live with it, I don’t see any reason to continue with the medication. I was very surprised when I mentioned to my GP about a lower dose he said that was fine and he was going to suggest it to me. He would like to keep me on lower dose for 6 months and then see how I am doing before deciding anything else. I will just see how it goes and if I feel I cannot deal with life just get him to up the dose again. I would like to say I have been reading stories of people who have been able to come off there medication slowly once they have dealt with issues around there mental health , the last  link above about the interesting woman is one of these people.

My mother nearly had a fit when I told her about medication. I was getting an injection every two weeks now it’s every 3 weeks . She tried to make an appointment in the doctors on the second week even do I told her I was trying 3 weeks. When I told her it is every 3 weeks. She said it was not happening it a rather angry voice, I calmly told her I was not going , to which she replied fine I want nothing to do with it your on your own. This suited me fine she then started to give me dire warning of the consequences of changing the medication every few days for a while after that. She said I would just end up in hospital again. As you can guess she has a habit of looking on the bright side of things. If everything is ok in 6 months time I intend to find a mental health advocate to help me argue my case and hopefully find a psychiatrist who is sympathetic to my cause as I know my current one will hear absolutely nothing about coming off medication or even trying a lower dose. I may have to shut out my mother out of all information to do with my treatment as she has a habit of controlling everything and have it the last say which given her own problems is just not healthy for me.

Training and weight

I am running away and making progress , but when you do heart rate training anything can effect it. A change in my medication is obviously having an impact. I guess my body will have to get used to new dosage. I had my last injection on Friday the day after my pace per mile is out by 1min 30secs per mile. When your as slow as me this is a lot. It seems the week after my injection I can pretty much scrap the week but the week after this it goes back to normal.On the plus side since I changed dosage I lost 7 pounds while eating the same thing. I mentioned this to my family but they just don’t want to hear it, they put these things down to other factors , I just could not be bothered talk to them any more about it they don’t seem to hear a word I say and have there minds made up already. If I eat even a little bit of rubbish food on these meds my weight shoots up. So I have decided to train and eat clean. I would recommend site below about training and food which I have been trying it for few months back now and have made slow and steady progress. It basically gets your body very efficient at burning fat for fuel I have found this useful as I don’t feel hungry as much I can get up in the morning and run 8miles on an empty stomach without any adverse side effects. I don’t get hungry for sweets and sugery things , which is useful as my meds can cause people to eat surgery stuff and it effects your fat burning capacity causing people to gain weight , trust me I know I gained 7stone on them.

Training website
Well that’s all I want to moan about , hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight & Keep on truckin✊🏻

The Life that could of been

Trigger warning , child abuse , suicide.

Firstly I need to work through some shit it my head so, if your already in bad form please do not read this post it might be bit moany and dark. I really don’t want to bring anyone down , but just need some were to get some shit out of my head.

As I have mentioned before I have been seeing a new therapist. She has come up with some ideas which I am trying to wrap my head around but struggle to make sense of. She got me to describe my life in brief to her.

 She then described my parents as very neglectful. Also she believes my mother is an alcoholic, and was verbally abusive to me as a child which she  considers a form of abuse. I believe she means that my parents did not provide a safe environment for me to grow up in. I can’t help but think everyone’s mother was just giving out to them, and that was the way things were. That said I don’t think my mother has a filter. I have a memory of her when I was a child of asking her why I was not allowed to go into first class with the rest of my friends, I was being held back. At first she did not answer but then she spun on me in an aggressive manner and said “Because your fucking stuiped”. Not very motherly I guess.

 If I was to remember some things about my mother from my youth it would be that she is one of the most aggressive people I know and she and my father spend most nights in the pub , leaving me alone with my grandfather who was sexually abusive. I would like to say I have happy memories from my youth but for the most part I hated going home from school to see what mood the mother was in now. The therapist said alcoholism is a mental illness and all the things my mother worries about and anxiety she has is just part of it. I suppose I would like to say somewhere that this kind of behaviour in my youth was not acceptable. 

I have a better relationship with my mother now but she is usually hung over in the morning and in foul mood and best avoided. She also seems to have a panic button for everything, and nearly everything I do she believes is because of my illness. My therapist believes this is part of her illness. She consumes about 6 pints of cider a night but nothing during the day.  I thing she might have a problem I am considering saying to my GP when I get my injection today, to see what he thinks.

My father likes a pint and is usually quite, but I can remember some instances were he was very angry at me. He used to put me over his knee pull down my panse  and hit me with a belt on the backside but this was 20 years ago I think this was normal enough then. I can remember one night he was drunk and angry at something and he punched me in the face. I believe this is not acceptable and he apologised for same. I said it was fine and not to worry about it. I would like to say it was not fine , punching people in the face is not acceptable, especially children. 

I get along fine with my father now but we don’t talk much.

I have good memory’s from my youth but must of them are with my sisters when I was left to mind them. We just played games like any other children, and I was always thankful my parents were not around.

I find it difficult to believe my parents were neglectful. I believe they did there best like everyone’s else’s parents maybe they were just not very good at it but that said my sisters seemed to have turned out fine.

With the environment I grew up in , I guess my head dealt with it in a very unusual way. I created an alternate reality something like the marvel superhero stuff . I believed I was constantly attacked by people , aliens and governments trying to control me but I was always strong enough to hold my own. I would slip in and out of this reality on a regular basis. I would experience this as any one else would experience normal reality . For me it was real as anything else. My therapist said this was a clever way of dealing with my problems, I will be honest and say fucked if know what to make of it.

My therapist also mentioned that I mourn the life I could have had if I was not sexually abused. At first I did not realate to this but I have been aware of this since. I was in my sisters house and the kids were playing on the floor. I felt an overwhelming desire to just be like everyone else, but I got over it and felt fine the next day. 

I was at the Christmas party yesturday and people were having a laugh and discussing there past, holidays and just stuff in general. I struggle to contribute to conversation and generally don’t like being in crowds anyway. But I started to think there is a reason I can’t relate to the conversations they were having about good memories and holidays and past girl friends. How I am supposed to relate all I know about life is paronia, doing everything I can to avoid people at every turn. I can’t even began to consider an intimate relationship with anyone. I don’t travel as it sounds like a nightmare in my mind , having to deal with all those people on your travels. I have spend a lot of my life going to work and coming home to my room playing PC games . And when I couldn’t function I just reatreted to my room and wanted nothing to do with the world. I don’t thing they want to hear how I spend nearly all of my thirties very Phychotic in and out of mental institions and a couple of suicide attempts. I just don’t think that would go down well in general conversion. If it was not for running I don’t think I would have said anything for the night. Thank god for running.

My therapist says I morn the life I could have had. The relationships, who knows maybe once I could have had kids. She says with some therapy and if I meet the right woman I could have a relationship. It not just that, its the day to day stuff , I look at someone in work they seem happy enough just sitting there not being phycotic. I tell myself just copy the normal people. They seem to sit there happy enough doing there work. I have to sit there telling myself people can’t hear my thoughts. And when I am in the next room ignore the voices of people talking about me it’s just my paranoia and how my brain works. I can have an odd reaction to someone in my personal space it’s like my mind planks out and I just pretend it’s not happening, I can get a bit freaked out by this but I thing I keep it in check.

I guess I am not a kid anymore and I have to take personal responsibility for my person. If I don’t have good memories than make some, but I know myself how my mind works I will literally do everything I can to avoid another human being. If I don’t start to try and enjoy life more,  is what I should aim for is another year not being committed and staying employed. If it is fine I will accept that, I don’t have a bad life. When running goes well it’s great it really can change my state of mind from completely depressed to a great fucking day in first few minutes of run. Also the archery and pellet gun thing at the xmass party was fun. Might consider taking up archery in new year, just see what new year brings.

 I will see were the therapy goes. I plan to try meditation over xmas people say that helps them. Might post a few bits over xmas they may not be very festive so avoid if your a bit down.

Keep up the good fight

I know I will ğŸŽ…ğŸ¼

Just another episode

Trigger warning, language and suicide and child abuse.

Not sure where this post is going to go or if it will just sound completely mad. So let’s just see what happens.

I have tried to paint the label I have been given in a positive way but I feel I have let myself down by not talking more about the negative aspects of my illness.

I have not had what I would consider an episode in a while, I will try to describe it without sounding mad but that may be impossible.

This is hard to explain but I will try some of it may just be paronia and usual beliefs but a little may be true.

Sometimes when I am interacting with the voices they make me laugh, sometimes they are inadvertently funny and at times I annoy them and I enjoy winding them up they play along and I might laugh a bit. I would imagine this is quite mad looking a guy sitting in a quite office not laughing out loud but smiling and the odd giggle to himself.

Some time ago and the woman sitting opposite me started acting very annoyed that I was laughing at her the voices noticed this also , and would do there best to wind me up every time she would ask a question to main office guy. She became very angry and I just can’t deal with angry people , and did not really want to explain to her why was going on as I would look completely mad , which to the average lay person I guess I am. This continued for some time I became paranoid considered leaving but it is a good job so I stuck it out. After a while it seemed to stop not sure if I stopped laughing or she just ignored me and it stopped. Unfortunately this plays into my old paronia of me being an evil man which at the time caused me more problems but as I say other than the odd event this seemed to fade away. Hope this paragraph made some sense😊.

Fast forward to last Friday , I was smiling away to myself (yes I know if I would just stop smiling there would be no issue). I got the impression the woman and main office guy where looking at me, thinking I was laughing at them(I think this part was just paranoid). I literally spiralled out of control in my mind . I thought how dare they thing I was just such a shit that I would laugh at them, I was so angry. I became more and more angry I literally started to tell every thought I had to fuck off and telling the people around me the same thing just in my head thankfully, then the old paranoia of thought projection kicked in, i thought people where reading my thoughts and I was being so aggressive towards them again just in my thoughts. I wanted to run screaming from the room I had become so angry at the people around me, but I had another hour left in work. So I kept telling myself to hang in there as I have worked through these conditions before.Then I though I was having a phycotic episode I tried to talk myself out of it with some success but 5mins after I calmed my mind I was absolutely raging again. I think at this stage I looked quite mad 😡, I was still working away through my model on PC but I think i had some facial expressions that would have not looked to friendly. I reminded myself of some very angry voices I had experienced some years before which just said fuck off over and over day and night. I was literally expressing the same anger in the same way. I eventually became so angry I had thoughts of suicide (I have no intentions of harming myself so don’t worry). I then had the thought that if I was unhappy with my life to change it not commit suicide, the suicide thoughts then abated. I would just like to point out I have no history of violence to others I seem to get fucked in the head and harm myself. It is hard to express how angry I was for example there was a xmass song playing on the radio and I was literally telling the singer to fuck off , not a day before I would have enjoyed the song. An old paronia of the talking to people on the radio also reared its head.

It was then time to go home, I had decided the best plan of action was to go home asap walk the dog. Make myself a nice home cooked dinner with a small glass of wine and bake a cake. Which I did but again once one of these episodes kicks in the thought starts spinning in your head , I write story in my head around the incident where I have super powers which in itself is not an issue. Until you start believing them and they get utterly stuck in your head and literally this is all you think about driving more mad and upset by the second. I started policing my thoughts every time the strayed to the incident Friday and I would write stories in my head , I would skip my thoughts to something else and did so. I went for a nice run Saturday , when I run I believe the phycotic state of mind is stopped and I just run which is great. I had to continue to police my thoughts Saturday night and Sunday morning but I have completely calmed down and am quite happy in myself again. Thank God 👍🏼

I guess you might be wondering why such a small thing would kick such an angry reaction in my head. The best I can figure out is I have been talking to new psychologist about child abuse I have survived as a kid, 2 days before she asked me to write a letter to the man who abused me , I tried but I felt a bit numb and did not write much. I could be wrong but it would be typical of me to express the anger I felt towards him through an episode a day or 2 later.

Sunday morning I was having trouble keeping my thought off  the incident so went on word press to waste a bit of time, Had bit of chat with a nice person on WordPress, and started the day well. I decided to express what I experienced here.

Well that’s the best I can do to describe what I would call an episode I can go through. I guess I can say if one of these episodes happened in the past I would not be able to pull back from it, would have spend months in erratic behaviour patterns and most likely would have attempt suicide, so I guess I am getting better at dealing with them. Maybe the anger I felt was about my grandfather who abused me and not to the people around me they just happened to be there, and the anger needed to be expressed.

I off for a walk with the dog a little cycle and watch some good tv for rest of day. Hope this post finds you well.

Sorry if this is bit heavy for this time of year just needed to say it some where

Keep on trucking

Happy xmass

Happy new year.