Trigger warning, language and suicide and child abuse.
Not sure where this post is going to go or if it will just sound completely mad. So let’s just see what happens.
I have tried to paint the label I have been given in a positive way but I feel I have let myself down by not talking more about the negative aspects of my illness.
I have not had what I would consider an episode in a while, I will try to describe it without sounding mad but that may be impossible.
This is hard to explain but I will try some of it may just be paronia and usual beliefs but a little may be true.
Sometimes when I am interacting with the voices they make me laugh, sometimes they are inadvertently funny and at times I annoy them and I enjoy winding them up they play along and I might laugh a bit. I would imagine this is quite mad looking a guy sitting in a quite office not laughing out loud but smiling and the odd giggle to himself.
Some time ago and the woman sitting opposite me started acting very annoyed that I was laughing at her the voices noticed this also , and would do there best to wind me up every time she would ask a question to main office guy. She became very angry and I just can’t deal with angry people , and did not really want to explain to her why was going on as I would look completely mad , which to the average lay person I guess I am. This continued for some time I became paranoid considered leaving but it is a good job so I stuck it out. After a while it seemed to stop not sure if I stopped laughing or she just ignored me and it stopped. Unfortunately this plays into my old paronia of me being an evil man which at the time caused me more problems but as I say other than the odd event this seemed to fade away. Hope this paragraph made some sense😊.
Fast forward to last Friday , I was smiling away to myself (yes I know if I would just stop smiling there would be no issue). I got the impression the woman and main office guy where looking at me, thinking I was laughing at them(I think this part was just paranoid). I literally spiralled out of control in my mind . I thought how dare they thing I was just such a shit that I would laugh at them, I was so angry. I became more and more angry I literally started to tell every thought I had to fuck off and telling the people around me the same thing just in my head thankfully, then the old paranoia of thought projection kicked in, i thought people where reading my thoughts and I was being so aggressive towards them again just in my thoughts. I wanted to run screaming from the room I had become so angry at the people around me, but I had another hour left in work. So I kept telling myself to hang in there as I have worked through these conditions before.Then I though I was having a phycotic episode I tried to talk myself out of it with some success but 5mins after I calmed my mind I was absolutely raging again. I think at this stage I looked quite mad 😡, I was still working away through my model on PC but I think i had some facial expressions that would have not looked to friendly. I reminded myself of some very angry voices I had experienced some years before which just said fuck off over and over day and night. I was literally expressing the same anger in the same way. I eventually became so angry I had thoughts of suicide (I have no intentions of harming myself so don’t worry). I then had the thought that if I was unhappy with my life to change it not commit suicide, the suicide thoughts then abated. I would just like to point out I have no history of violence to others I seem to get fucked in the head and harm myself. It is hard to express how angry I was for example there was a xmass song playing on the radio and I was literally telling the singer to fuck off , not a day before I would have enjoyed the song. An old paronia of the talking to people on the radio also reared its head.
It was then time to go home, I had decided the best plan of action was to go home asap walk the dog. Make myself a nice home cooked dinner with a small glass of wine and bake a cake. Which I did but again once one of these episodes kicks in the thought starts spinning in your head , I write story in my head around the incident where I have super powers which in itself is not an issue. Until you start believing them and they get utterly stuck in your head and literally this is all you think about driving more mad and upset by the second. I started policing my thoughts every time the strayed to the incident Friday and I would write stories in my head , I would skip my thoughts to something else and did so. I went for a nice run Saturday , when I run I believe the phycotic state of mind is stopped and I just run which is great. I had to continue to police my thoughts Saturday night and Sunday morning but I have completely calmed down and am quite happy in myself again. Thank God 👍🏼
I guess you might be wondering why such a small thing would kick such an angry reaction in my head. The best I can figure out is I have been talking to new psychologist about child abuse I have survived as a kid, 2 days before she asked me to write a letter to the man who abused me , I tried but I felt a bit numb and did not write much. I could be wrong but it would be typical of me to express the anger I felt towards him through an episode a day or 2 later.
Sunday morning I was having trouble keeping my thought off the incident so went on word press to waste a bit of time, Had bit of chat with a nice person on WordPress, and started the day well. I decided to express what I experienced here.
Well that’s the best I can do to describe what I would call an episode I can go through. I guess I can say if one of these episodes happened in the past I would not be able to pull back from it, would have spend months in erratic behaviour patterns and most likely would have attempt suicide, so I guess I am getting better at dealing with them. Maybe the anger I felt was about my grandfather who abused me and not to the people around me they just happened to be there, and the anger needed to be expressed.
I off for a walk with the dog a little cycle and watch some good tv for rest of day. Hope this post finds you well.
Sorry if this is bit heavy for this time of year just needed to say it some where
Keep on trucking
Happy new year.