Triggering waning child abuse mentioned
I was going for my morning walk the other day, and I started asking myself why I struggle so much on the run up to xmass. I asked myself why over and over again, other than the obvious darker days. Suddenly a memory popped into my head.
When the sexual abuse stopped at around age 6-8, my grandfather used to call to the house at xmass I think for few years afterwards. He gave money to my parents for xmass. The memory popped in to my head of thinking the bastard is calling again. This would make me feel uneasy on the run up to xmass every year. I used to stare at him with utter hatred and I remember him just laughing. I belive he made an effort to give the money to my parents while I was watching. I could not but help thing this was hush money to keep my quiet. I believe this went on for few years.
I know it sounds silly for a grown man to say but I believe this uneasy feeling has stayed with me through the years without me realising what it is. I intend to mention this to my therapist to get her opinion in the new year.
Also my post Just another episode , you can read this on my site if you scroll back one or two posts, were I was discussing about intense angry feeling. On the night my therapist was asking my to write letter to my grandfather and I struggled with it. I went home and my mother was talking to my sister about my grandfather. He had a government bond and it won 20 euro and someone had to go and collect it. I think this also triggered something off in my rather odd brain. Even do he is long dead thankfully. It seems he is still paying them money to keep my quiet(I know that sounds a bit mad but it’s hard to let go of the past when it’s thrown in your face like that). I now I could be reaching but I intent to discuss this with my therapist just to help get perspective on it.
Been looking a little bit online about my label. There are some very useful sites , I have only started looking at them but would like to stick up here in case any one found them useful. I think most of them are in U.K. But the information is still good.
I have started on a lower dose of medication to see how I get on, for last few months. I think I am doing fine, as mentioned in previous post I did have an episode which I dealt with as best I could , there was a time I would not have been able to do this.
I have had the same symtoms and unusual beliefs for the last ten years or so. Everyone around me believes I am doing so well because of medication. But I believe since I have the same symtoms I had ten years ago and I have basically learned to live with it, I don’t see any reason to continue with the medication. I was very surprised when I mentioned to my GP about a lower dose he said that was fine and he was going to suggest it to me. He would like to keep me on lower dose for 6 months and then see how I am doing before deciding anything else. I will just see how it goes and if I feel I cannot deal with life just get him to up the dose again. I would like to say I have been reading stories of people who have been able to come off there medication slowly once they have dealt with issues around there mental health , the last link above about the interesting woman is one of these people.
My mother nearly had a fit when I told her about medication. I was getting an injection every two weeks now it’s every 3 weeks . She tried to make an appointment in the doctors on the second week even do I told her I was trying 3 weeks. When I told her it is every 3 weeks. She said it was not happening it a rather angry voice, I calmly told her I was not going , to which she replied fine I want nothing to do with it your on your own. This suited me fine she then started to give me dire warning of the consequences of changing the medication every few days for a while after that. She said I would just end up in hospital again. As you can guess she has a habit of looking on the bright side of things. If everything is ok in 6 months time I intend to find a mental health advocate to help me argue my case and hopefully find a psychiatrist who is sympathetic to my cause as I know my current one will hear absolutely nothing about coming off medication or even trying a lower dose. I may have to shut out my mother out of all information to do with my treatment as she has a habit of controlling everything and have it the last say which given her own problems is just not healthy for me.
Training and weight
I am running away and making progress , but when you do heart rate training anything can effect it. A change in my medication is obviously having an impact. I guess my body will have to get used to new dosage. I had my last injection on Friday the day after my pace per mile is out by 1min 30secs per mile. When your as slow as me this is a lot. It seems the week after my injection I can pretty much scrap the week but the week after this it goes back to normal.On the plus side since I changed dosage I lost 7 pounds while eating the same thing. I mentioned this to my family but they just don’t want to hear it, they put these things down to other factors , I just could not be bothered talk to them any more about it they don’t seem to hear a word I say and have there minds made up already. If I eat even a little bit of rubbish food on these meds my weight shoots up. So I have decided to train and eat clean. I would recommend site below about training and food which I have been trying it for few months back now and have made slow and steady progress. It basically gets your body very efficient at burning fat for fuel I have found this useful as I don’t feel hungry as much I can get up in the morning and run 8miles on an empty stomach without any adverse side effects. I don’t get hungry for sweets and sugery things , which is useful as my meds can cause people to eat surgery stuff and it effects your fat burning capacity causing people to gain weight , trust me I know I gained 7stone on them.
Well that’s all I want to moan about , hope this post finds you well.
Keep up the good fight & Keep on truckin✊🏻