I guess life is not as bad as I thought.

Trigger warning:child abuse,language.

During the week we got a phone call that my niece, who is 12 years old, was on the phone, with some video link with two other girls around the country. One of them invited a man from Abroad into the video link and that he may have done something explicit on the phone. My niece would not talk about it and they asked her mother to come up to Dublin to talk to her. We got the phone call when her mother was on the train to Dublin in a distraught state. I was having my dinner at the time and as expected got upset at the news. I might be sensitive to the topic from my experience of child abuse but I was surprised ever one else was so calm. I was doing my best to not cry but they all seemed fine. I then went on facebook and saw something about Trump and I could not help but think the world is just a fucked place to be. I got up early the next morning and decided to offer my savings in credit union to pay for any therapy my niece might need. Her mother text me back saying  she was fine that on my nieces phone she got no video and cut the guy off after 1min and basically saw nothing. Thank God for iPhones. My niece basically could not understand why her mother had come all the way to Dublin to see her. This was a great relief. I also see Trumps ban on certain people travelling has been blocked for now. I guess even when life does look fucked it can turn around and unfuck itself just as lively as it went bad.

Just back from the morning walk with the dog and feel prettie good about life. The reduced dose of medication seems to be going fine. There was one week over new year when things got bad with the voices but January seems to be going fine. I am trying to not react to anything negative the voices say and just accept my life as it is, and when I do react I have a habit of taking the piss out of them a bit.

 I used to have a lot of sexually violent and just violent stuff in general in my dreams which I used to find profoundly disturbing. I have read that people who experience things I have can experience this.I started to give what I call my sleep self instructions before I go to sleep. Things like I will be calm cool and collective in m dreams, I will have peaceful dreams, I will look for peaceful solutions to problems in my dreams, I will show everyone that consent is essential in my dreams. Been doing this a few months and the turn around in my dreams is amazing. There might be the odd thing but for the most part I have peaceful dreams and if anything sexual occurs in my dreams it’s just normal stuff. I could not be happier at the turnaround in my dreams over a few months by just giving few instructions before my sleep. I read somewhere that the subconscious may not understand not statements, like I will not have violent dreams so I avoid statements like this. I don’t wake as much at night anymore which is nice but can still do so some nights but as previosly mentioned, but for the most part I can sleep for seven hours without interruption.

 I did have a thought about something in work get stuck in my head during the week which I used to find  impossible to deal with in the past but I went for a run and tried to be very aware of what I was thinking and just put it out of my mind. I also had an odd feeling during the week where I was afraid off my own thoughts was not sure what to make of it but it seemed to work itself out not to bothered about it at the moment.

I came across a site on another blog which places mental and physical health issues next to each other. Found few interesting blogs about Phychosis and schizophrenia. Definitely worth a look if you have not seen it. See link here The mighty.

I try to fit in mindfulness meditation and autogenics every evening miss the odd evening when tired. I definitely find it helps with the mood I don’t feel as reactionary to things that happen around me. Things that would have annoyed me I just seem to smile at. That said things still annoy me just not as much.

I am considering going to holiday in Australia in December but not sure yet. I think I could pay for it with the overtime I do in work. Doing overtime every morning hope it lasts for another while. I stopped taking on work from previous employer as I just want evenings and weekends to myself and just don’t want the extra work.

Started back running maff after 2 weeks out with my cold. Thankfully my times at maff are not as slow as I expected after a break. Will gradually increase my miles over next month or so and hopefully continue to build my aerobic base. I will try not to expect anything just see how it goes.

Well that is all I have to ramble on about for now.

I guess from this week I should keep in mind even if things look dark they can turn around quite lively.

Keep up the good fight 👍🏼😀


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