Hope your well. Just back from a walk with my dog. Nice dry day but very cold. Feeling well so decided to place a few thoughts from the week here. Might be a bit heavy as always so give a miss if your already feeling down.
GOD AND THERAPY
Was in therapy during the week. The topic of God came up. She questioned me on where do I thing my grandfather who abused me was , so I said hell. When she questioned why I should go to heaven , I replied I try to be good . She reacted like this was important, I did not particularly like comparing where my grandfather is to where I would like to end up, just didn’t seem right. I mentioned I Don’t believe in an God who does anything in the world. From what I have experienced and what I see in the world. She countered this by saying what about people like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela and we are here to learn things from this life. I replied by saying if there is anything to learn from surviving child abuse, I don’t want to learn it. I guess believing in God is a personal choice. I believe it is beneficial to believe in god for a few reasons but I just can’t have anything to do with organised religion espically because of the way the clergy dealt with child abuse in Ireland and other countries. The thoughts off an all seeing and knowing God just sitting there and watching children being abused, I guess I just can’t come to terms with. I think I have anger issues with God , not sure how to deal with that.
Had a flat tire on the bike when I came out of therapy. I thought I dealt with it well. I just rang insurance company who picked up bike within 40 minutes. I got a spin from my sister home 5 minutes later. I was home and eating my dinner with an hour of getting flat. So it was not so bad I guess. Was up and running with bike the next day.
DAY TO DAY STUFF
The brother in laws mother passed away. I know she had problems with her mental health and had Parkinson’s at the end. She could not eat and spend all of her time just sitting down. People kept says not things like she does not have a life worth living. Despite this she fought to the very end to live. I would go to the funeral but the last time I went to a funeral I was in a severely phychotic state of mind and came within in a hairs breath of creating a scene at the funeral home. Also when it came to carry the coffin in to the church my cousin in front of the whole crowd outside the church said in a mocking tone with a smile on his face I heard you went mad. I had an odd reaction my brain just blacked out and I saw nothing for a second. He saw this and said with some excitement look you are , I think this reapeted a few times , with me blacking out each time , I guess my brain just wasn’t ready to deal with certain things and that’s how I reacted. I eventually said what are you doing we are here to pay our respects to my aunt and nothing else. I still can’t believe he did this in front of the whole crowd gathered outside the church. I decided not to go to funerals anymore not sure how that’s going to work out in the long run just have to see how it goes.
Woke up early one morning with a voice I call Beatrice calling me an asshole reapetly non stop. I thought to myself who do it turn to at this time of the morning, since no one was around. I decided to turn to the voice calling me names , the only thing I could thing causing me any stress at some level, was when I go back to sleep at this time in the morning in the past I would wake up to disturbing dreams. So I said don’t worry I will give instructions to my subconscious before I go to sleep to keep everything fine. She said fuck off your not going back to sleep. I gave some instructions to my subconscious self like I will have peaceful sleep etc. The voice quitened down and I fell back to a peaceful sleep. They have been very quite since my therapy session during the week. They mostly repeat the same stuff but sometimes they can be a little friendly. I am never sure how to react when they are friendly.
Had some thoughts yesturday about people watching me with cameras in the house and cooks commenting on the food I was cooking. I love having the kitchen to myself to cook food. Anyway I did not actually believe I was being spied on just that I had thoughts about it. I thought that maybe I was lonely and wanted to share aspects of my life with someone. Might run this past my therapist next time I see her see what she says. The end result of this is I want to give a summary of what I did yesturday just to share with someone. So her goes.
Woke up early got out of bed and went for 8mile maff run. It went well I was happy with the run. Came home had coffee with double cream and an omelette with mushrooms, onions and tomatoes. See picture below. Cod liver oil is the only thing I add to my diet other whole foods.
Had an apple later on in the day did some stuff online and bit of shopping.Made some bars which I will cut up and eat during the week at work, see recipe on link below. They taste much nicer than they look if you can get mix of ingredients right. See picture below
Feel free to comment on food in pictures if it looks good or bad but trust me it all taste good.
Well I have rambled on long enough, hope your weekend is going well.
Keep up the good fight👌🏽