Hope your well. Just back from morning walk with dog. Feeling good as always after it. So going to jot down some stuff from the week.
It’s hard to explain paranoia. For me it’s like something small and unimportant occurs in life. Which triggers off a few problems in my brain. Which I then become obsessed with utterly and will just spin my wheels on the thought more or less driving me mad, but sometimes I think my mind is trying to come up with a solution to a perceived problem, I should say the problem may not be real. I will try to explain how this happened during the week with out sounding mad.
I basically think in work that people treat me as if I am very weird. Mostly because I guess I am weird. So I stay in a job for a period of time and when I think I no lounger fit in there I just find another job. I am starting to get the feeling it’s time to move on again. I think people are acting like I am up to something at work every time I use the toilet. I know that sounds odd but I am getting more and more paranoid about it and starting to get anxiety and just putting off having to use the toilet. Again no one has said anything but I base my paranoia on the way they are acting but I do realise I could just be making it up.
During the week when it’s time to leave I say goodbye but no one responded one day. This triggered off a thought process that people don’t like me and just put up with me. I thought I was getting along as well as I ever do with people so I was quite disappointed with this. I tried to use the CBT thing where I tell myself there just busy and did not hear me but my brain was off at full speed trying to fix the problem. I was trying to figure if I should tell them I have schizophrenia hence explaining why I am well just weird to be around. When I say weird I just mean odd I am harmless enough. It’s a shame there is so much stigma around the illness it just complicates every thing. I spend a day or two having conversations on how to tell them even losing a bit of sleep because I was so fixated on the thought. I realised I was becoming fixated with the thought of telling them and imagining the conversations I would have. So I started to what I call police my thoughts very heavily. Every time I would stray on to the thought I would just gently stop it and try thing of something else.
The only thing I can make of this thought process is I genuinely want to tell them. If I decide to do so. I will send an email saying to look at Eleanor Longden on ted talks and that there are some similarities between our lives and I just want to make them aware of this. Maybe I just want to explain why I act weird or distracted sometimes , it’s also probably worth mentioning people with schizophrenia are not weird, but they can act differently to things then expected I guess this does not make them weird just different. Like when my thought process or voices or both cause me to smirk in the office. I guess this looks weird but I did perceive something to make me laugh, again I guess it’s not weird just different to what people perceive as normal.
I don’t know how they will react if I tell them or if I will just try to find another job. If I tell them given there reaction I may have to find a new job anyway , the stigma around schizophrenia really is a pain in the ass.
I also find writing about this to help put things in perspective, and helps stop spinning my wheels on the thoughts in my head. It’s odd how this may literary be all in my head for example the boss came out and said well done to some tricky stuff I figured out on program I use during the week which I don’t think I have heard him say to anyone in the office in the two years I have been there.
I also have a theory it can be useful to have someone with schizophrenia in the office. Ok just hear me out. Normal people or what society perceives as normal can sometimes view a problem from one direction only but my not so normal brain can view the problem from a completely different perspective giving a fresh perspective on the issue. I could be talking through my ass here but I think the idea has some merit.
The voices have been mostly quiet since my last therapy session. It was so quiet in my head during the week I felt a bit unnerved and had to fill my head full of thoughts. It’s like I am afraid of the quite in my head these days.
I continue to give instructions to my subconscious before I sleep. Which seems to work a treat . Have started to talk more in my dreams to people which is a lot better than violent stuff I saw in the past. Last night I was talking to a woman who said she was to ugly to have someone, my sleep self said there is someone for everyone and fuck to whatever you think is wrong with yourself. I guess this is good advice for anyone. Also if people in my sleep are different aspects of the self, does some part of myself see myself as ugly , I don’t see myself as ugly but the schizophrenia is a bit of an issue when looking for a partner. Not sure what to make of this. I believe dreams can be useful in understanding ourselfs.
Well I’ve ranted on long enough thanks for reading
Keep up,the good fight ✊🏻