Mediatiation & Voices
Practicing meditation away. Seems like an enjoyable process. The autogenics and mantra meditation are much easier than just mindfulness breathing. I find just trying to be aware of my breathing extremely difficult as my mind can be very busy and if it’s quite the voices are not inclined to speak up.
I had an experience during the week which I have not had in over 10 years. While practising mantra meditation (which I have been doing for few weeks) . I do have quite times without voices but anytime I become aware that it is quite in my mind the voices kick in, so it is unusual to get to enjoy just having a quite mind. I was saying my mantra over and over and noticed there where no voices in my mind at the time, which would usually lead to them swearing at me but nothing happened. This continued on for a while and even when I reached out for them. I think I experienced this once while sleeping in the last 10 years or so. It might not sound like a big deal but I sort of felt normal for just a little while. Whatever normal is supposed to be.
The voices still call me bad stuff but I think the 2 main woman who I hear have mellowed a little bit. They would argue that its me who has changed and it is becoming almost impossible to insult me anymore. It’s hard to tell maybe it’s just me who’s changed my reaction time them but I think they have mellowed a bit from what I remember of them in the past. The voice Beatrice says she has not mellowed and to not write this in my ear as I read over it but I wrote it anyway.
I asked my boss for a raise. He said he was happy with my work and I deserved one and would look into it and let me know Monday. I guess the feeling of not fitting in is something I always get in groups of people, and leaving purely because of this will just keep happening in every job so will stick it out and see what happens.
Training away during the week it seems to be going fine again. My average Maff pace is about 12:00min/mile which is slow running but it is slowely getting faster again and it feels like I am back running again as apposed to just shuffling along. Going up hills is a disaster while trying to keep,heart rate down but all in all it feels good. It’s good to be back running gives the mind something else to focus on.
Had an odd realisation during the week. I was sitting there working away and my thoughts started to get negative and I started feeling down for no reason. This can happen to me from time to time. I started to catch each negative thought before it could take route, and say thing like I caught you and laugh to the thought in my head. I believe this was deppression. I was diagnosed with it and depressive episodes I believe are part of schizophrenia. I just never put the two toghter till now. I find it odd I never realised this. I felt down a bit for rest of day but went for a run and more or less got rid of this frame of mind by next morning. It really taints the whole thought process and is difficult to realise it’s happening. Need to be more aware of this going forward.
I am just going to jot down what’s going on in my dreams this morning not sure anyone is interested.
I simplified my instructions to my sleep self to just enjoy yourself and have good and peaceful dreams and To seek friends and allies to help me in my dreams.
I found my sleep self going around in my dream saying hello friend how are you to just about everything.
I always wake up in bed in my dream and go looking around the house in the dream . I meet a person purely made up of hands Touching at finger tips with a very compassionate set of eyes. I shook there hand. Then answered the door to a postman giving me mail saying to run 5 miles. When I went for a run later that morning in my waking life I did 5 miles , I guess that sounds mad but it seemed like a good idea.
I then went outside in the dream and kept saying hello to everyone I meet and asking how are you friend. Also something I noticed there are very few men in my dreams mostly just woman. Not sure what to make of it. Everyone then went up along a fence and I saw a pig sleeping in a tree and a brown bull in a very friendly manner approached me like he was a friendly dog. I patted him and said hello. He then died and branches grew out of his stomach. Not sure if everyone has dreams like this or are mine just nutty.
I also had a dream of lying in bed and looking at shadows on the ceilings. Which would then drop of the ceilings on to me. I don’t seem to be afraid of them in my dream. I think they represent repressed sexuality. Not sure what to make of them.
Well I have ranted on long enough hope this post finds you well.
Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻🏃🏼