Osho meditation.

Hi hope your well. Tried osho meditation today all I can say is WTF. 

We had to pretend we where 5 and play like kids I just could not engage and just tried to avoid people. Being a kid basically stank for me I could not relate.

We then pretended your an angry dog barking at other dogs. By other dogs I mean people on the course. I was bit freaked out but tried by barking a little but mostly just kept away from people. It really was not going well. 

Then we had to try be a sensual cat and rub our bodies of other people. All I can say is holy fucking shit. There was no fucking way I was going to rub of other people in a sensual way given the sever issues I have about people being in my boundaries. I literally sat there sweating frozen in place keeping to myself with odd person rubbing off me meowing. I was completely fucking frozen. 

We then had to act like we where laughing for another 5 mins or so. At this stage I was totally fucking depressed and felt like the difference between me and other people was so glaring obvious in the last 15mins it was honestly painful. The course instructor’s tried to get me to engage but I just could not. They even asked me was I ok which of course I responded to by saying oh ya I’m fine (while screaming in my head please just get the fuck away from me.)

We then had to pretend we where crying this was about the only excercise I could relate to. I felt myself tear up and did not want to cry in front of everyone so I do what I do best and shut everything down and just sat there feeling empty.

We then had to meditate with a blank mind I decided I would leave at first opportunity and just call it quits. Unfortunately a tear or two escaped and my noise was runny I just sat there silently in meditation planning my escape. The voices where quite through this but Mary agreed it was going terrible.

We then sat in a circle to talk about the experiences. It must of been really obvious I stuck out, one woman said she once had a social phobia and would not have been able to do these excercise once but had done a lot of work to be able to do them now and if someone was unable to do these excercise that it was just fine. I was speaking to her briefly about it just after this and one of the instructors came up and asked me if I was alright if I had some emotional stuff that came up in the meditation. I said I had boundary issues and it was also some emotional stuff. He seemed fine about it and said just engage as much as you are comfortable with. I would like to be a little proud of myself at this point by saying I did have an issue and I just did not run screaming from the building which I guess would have looked a bit odd.

We took 5. Min break and started into another type of meditation I did what I could it went well and felt good by lunch so decided to give the afternoon a go.

The afternoon went much better I did the best I could and really enjoyed the humming meditation also the dance one I probably looked odd standing in the corner swaying to myself but I felt great.

I felt the usual buzzing sensations in my legs, head and espically in my arms. At one point an instructor stepped over my hand and I felt the sensation of his leg moving over my arm without him touching it. Meant to ask about sensations but I just wanted to retreat home to where I felt safe. I can feel tinkling in my palms as I write this it’s not unpleasant I just don’t know what it is. I realise a physiatrist would call it tactile hallucinations but I think that’s a label for something they just don’t understand other than to medicate it out of existence. I feel it helps me to tune into my body and at times it’s super relaxing sensation which is useful when under pressure at work.

When I was dancing swaying my hands around my body. I could feel in my hands different sensations from different parts of my body still pretty clueless as to why this is , I guess I might just be mad but I can’t help but feel there is more to it.

So in summary I am very glad I went  it is good to do thinks out of your comfort zone but I may have over reached a bit today. 

I hope to get some of the music they had to practise 1 or 2 of the meditations I picked up there.

The voices where mostly quite today saw little imagery when I closed my eyes to meditate but not much. I was visualiseing nature and I saw a samurai in grass approaching me he raised his head and it was panda out of Kung fu panda it then sprouted wings turned into an angel with a sword in its hand the voices got freaked out and started interfering with imagery at this stage said they don’t want to see angel stuff. I have a weird head I have to ask does anyone else see imagery like this.

It’s was a tough day but feeling good I think I would use the label happy and calm right now feeling bit tired so I’m of to bed.

Meant to say also people in the group were super friendly it made my day so much easier.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

There is hope 😉

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The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀