Hi this post I think will be slightly dark just so as your aware.
Firstly I do not consider myself a danger to anyone or that I am evil.
I saw in news recently a man attacked 2 woman which I might add is utterly unacceptable and I utterly condem. One of the things the judge in the case used to describe the man was something like a lonely social outsider as if this made it accept able which it does not.
It struck a chord in me that I am a lonely social outsider. This sort of hurt a bit but it got me thinking about my own situation. I believe a lot of what my voices call me is related to my interaction with society and stuff from my youth.
When I was very young and being sexualy abused I heard on news that people who where sexualy abused can turn out to be sexual abusers themselves . I really can’t explain the effect this but of news had on my head . It felt like I disappeared into the back of my mind and felt utterly disconnected from reality. It was Like looking at the world through thick jam jars it really was a horrible thing to hear.
I always felt wroung or I did not fit in. Which in turn I guess I act strange around people.
I heard a discussion on the radio recently which highlighted the fact that men are generally not trusted around woman and children. I think one example they gave was he was at the beach on his own with families around him and he felt out of place and someone asked him to leave. I was actually relieved to hear this up to this point I felt that it was just me being treated like this.
I guess having the feeling you do not fit in and being an outsider and seeing all the terrible stuff on news about men and thing mentioned above about when I was a kid. Also just the feeling that I was the bad guy which I got from people in general which I is fine as woman and children need to proprect themselves I have no issue with that but I guess in someway it has made at least part of me want to reject society. Sometimes I feel like screaming I am not your bad guy to point the finger at.
I believe this all fed into what the voices call me now(the most evil thing in creation) Some of my nightmares I am the bad guy which is really unsettling. I used to wake up crying. This doesn’t really happen anymore but I still worry it could it is trully unsettling.
I realised I do not really have positive interactions with people in general especially woman.
So I have decided to do something about this. I just don’t want to be a lonely social outsider anymore. I want to have more positive interactions with people in general impartiality woman. Don’t get me wroung I will never be the life of the party but I dont want my interaction with society to be society telling me I am the bad guy here (this can leave me feeling angry and bitter at society) honest I am not so bad sure I can be asshole like everyone else at times but for the most part I can have a positive influence on the world.
I went to meditation class last Sunday Which for the most part was a positive interaction with woman and men. Going to a yoga class tonight which I hope will have a positive impact on my relationships with people.
So in summary I am not the bad guy.
Stay safe out there.