The lonely outsider

Hi this post I think will be slightly dark just so as your aware.

Firstly I do not consider myself a danger to anyone or that I am evil.

I saw in news recently a man attacked 2 woman which I might add is utterly unacceptable and I utterly condem. One of the things the judge in the case used to describe the man was something like a lonely social outsider as if this made it accept able which it does not.

It struck a chord in me that I am a lonely social outsider. This sort of hurt a bit but it got me thinking about my own situation. I believe a lot of what my voices call me is related to my interaction with society and stuff from my youth. 

When I was very young and being sexualy abused I heard on news that people who where sexualy abused can turn out to be sexual  abusers themselves . I really can’t explain the effect this but of news had on my head . It felt like I disappeared into the back of my mind and felt utterly disconnected from reality. It was Like looking at the world through thick jam jars it really was a horrible thing to hear.

I always felt wroung or I did not fit in. Which in turn I guess I act strange around people.

 I heard a discussion on the radio recently which highlighted the fact that men are generally not trusted around woman and children. I think one example they gave was he was at the beach on his own with families around him and he felt out of place and someone asked him to leave. I was actually relieved to hear this up to this point I felt that it was just me being treated like this.

I guess having the feeling you do not fit in and being an outsider and seeing all the terrible stuff on news about men and thing mentioned above about when I was a kid. Also just the feeling that I was the bad guy which I got from people in general which I is fine as woman and children need to proprect themselves I have no issue with that but I guess in someway it has made at least part of me want to reject society. Sometimes I feel like screaming I am not your bad guy to point the finger at.

I believe this all fed into what the voices call me now(the most evil thing in creation) Some of my nightmares I am the bad guy which is really unsettling. I used to wake up crying. This doesn’t really happen anymore but I still worry it could it is trully unsettling.

I realised I do not really have positive interactions with people in general especially woman.

So I have decided to do something about this. I just don’t want to be a lonely social outsider anymore. I want to have more positive interactions with people in general impartiality woman. Don’t get me wroung I will never be the life of the party but I dont want my interaction with society to be society telling me I am the bad guy here (this can leave me feeling angry and bitter at society) honest I am not so bad sure I can be asshole like everyone else at times but for the most part I can have a positive influence on the world.

I went to meditation class last Sunday  Which for the most part was a positive interaction with woman and men. Going to a yoga class tonight which I hope will have a positive impact on my relationships with people.

So in summary I am not the bad guy. 

Stay safe out there.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The lonely outsider

  1. Your articles are always touching my heart, thank you for your courage to write honestly, beautifully, generously…I believe that every soul who walks in the light has known darkness at some point…and I’m no exception. I’m honored that you’re following my blog, it means so much to me…thank you again!
    Many blessings on your way!
    Claudia

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s