Happy New Year/Despair to Hope

A new year.

A time for Hope.

A time for despair.

You choose.

So I have heard voices all my life. 14 years ago I hit the rocks ended up depressed for years and about 21 stone in weight. More or less sitting around broke and utterly miserable few suicide attempts in and out of mental health facilities. No money no job not exactly the happiest man you would speak to. No real hope for a future.

I would not recommend the experience. I made the decision about 6 years in get off my ass as I just could not continue as I was. Starting walking managed about a mile first day and nearly had a heart attack, I kept going and persisted badgered by voices every step of the way and my own inner demons. That decision lead me to wobble around three marathons and I have been working for the last 6 years. I have a strong faith in the Divine which helps.

I met the right people in circles and holistic healing course which brought me along leaps and bounds. It has not all been plane sailing. I have had many difficulties and pit stops along the way. So skip forward to this year my mind hit the same place it hit 14 years ago but this time I know from experience what to do or at least what not to do.

I eventually asked the right people for help the lock down here did not help. Also the fact I though I was invincible did not help either but eventually got the strength to ask for help. I choose to keep a positive outlook as best I could can be tricky with voices. Not sure if I won more than I lost but I set my intent and kept dusting myself off along the way. Learned about myself and others this year. I designed a set of cards for motivation and reading along the way hope to get them production next year. I ran a Facebook page to do motivational quotes during this time frame which I am very proud off given my state of mind. I have not had the need to be committed in about 9ish years which I am also very proud off it is extremely difficult to get off this circle of going in and out of mental institutions once it starts.

I think what differed this time to the last time was simply experience and just shear determination to not go back to where I was and of course a lot of help along the way from here and above. I am much better place now but of course like everyone still have work to do.

At any time during this year I could of simply choose utter disappear and done something that would of landed me right back in hospital or the morgue. I know as I have made decisions in the past that did so.

I guess what I am trying to say is you cannot choose what life throws at you but really can choose how to respond to it. I choose to what I can with what I have and not to forget to smile even if there are a few tears along the way.

Choose Hope not despair. You might be in the same situation but you would have at least some joy in your heart.

Happy new year

I wish you the best

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Just little extract from my diary (just give you some insight to where my mind is )as always take with a pinch of salt but never assume it is all mad. Best of luck figuring which. I use term V/P which cover voices or people which are getting hard to tell apart. Also just wondered do others have such experiences.

I would appear some local concerned V/P took the liberty to knock me right into trance/blackout with my mother in the room. I lose cognitive function just slightly did feel a lot of movement in energy in my hands and effect on my visuals. Like fluttering out of consciousness. I thought if I worked on my boundaries it would work and almost did and helped but did not stop them in the end. I believe had I my full cognitive capacity I would have left the room, which I believe I did not, I remind myself to do this in the future as it is safer. My mother was unaware of anything. I came do saying in my mind “I only work in love and light. I am asking you to leave.” Repeatedly. They then proceeded to show me imagery of horror stuff (intrusive thoughts) with the comment that is lovely imagery to have in your head. I was just coming out of slight black out and said I have whole universes in my head which looks so real I was convinced for a lot of my life they were, but they are not. I have imagery in my head of all sorts of heavenly and hellish things and I am not explaining it to anyone who just wonders by happily knocking me out, violating my being having their bit of fun and then fuckling off proud of themselves, they where messing around with local freak.

Did see two women walking off might of been them to paranoid to do much of anything. Once I regained me senses from this violation of my person. I said, I just do not care and just fuck off to V/P. It is my intent to repeat, as much as possible going forward and if they violate my mind just come back to my senses and tell them to kindly fuck off. One of the V/P would always argue I should not be around people as they are people with evil intention. I cannot really argue this anymore and hope to get out of here soon and away from such people as much as possible. I trust no one as they cannot be trusted but there are good people of course they are simply hard to see right now.

It can be tricky with V/P it seemed someone sneak into Neighbors and shouted something about move out you chancer., sort of hard to take this seriously other than I have meet many arseholes in my time. Also, neighbor’s dogs never went off so just ignoring, nice if I could keep nice flow like this when walking around it would be fun and on top of that there is some fucking thing interfering with my balls (tactile sensation) so 2020 apparently everyone is having a hard time. Which I am glad for the blessing of health for me and my family also keep my Uncle in mind as he has cancer. I am glad of the blessing of a new born in the family (safely & healthy for all involved). All of my family are clear of the bloody COVID-19 which is great. I am alive and breathing even came up with lovely slogan I got a giggle from. (will stick in picture at end) I have a roof over my head and technically still employed which is a blessing. I have a card with few quid to treat myself and someone else. I am surer of what I want to do in life, and I am excited to move forward with faith and hope in my heart. I am honestly curious were my life goes. Also, like Krishna Das has brilliant stuff if you are into chanting look him up on YouTube. I should throw him a few quid his stuff has helped me, wishing him well as he has Limes disease. I am thankful my Spiritual and Divine connection that comes through and has grown stronger. I just feel in the flow and happy to be alive. God is Good the Goddess is Good Life is good, but it is not all unicorns and rainbows. I reminded off cliché if it was not for the dark night how would we know the light. Sita Ram Sita Ram (Krishna Das song). I am thankful for new understanding of my being and others. I am thankful for the words Fuck Off I believe these will bring me much peace. I guess “No” would have done but hey some folks need clarifying. I am thankful for my ability to heal with help, to heal faster than I thought possible from a thing I would rather not speak off.

Sunny Day

Morning lovely day here in Cobh. The Sun is shining bit cold but lovely spot. So going to say some nice stuff before I go onto more embarrassing and just plain mad stuff. Maybe it is all mad I don’t know any more.

Below was meant to sound happy but when I typed it. Maybe its just a bit sad with a happy vibe mostly just like sad.

So went for a walk thought I might need a Hurley to defend myself as bit paranoid at the moment. I left it at home and was a bit surprised people where saying hello and a bit taken back as I truly believed they all wanted me dead. Picked up pace I guess I ignored some as just wanted to get home did my best even looked at one guy and said hello this is more than a bit unusual for me these days and very much try and avoid any contact with people. I trust no one as I have learned it is much safer this way. I think one guy called me a rat I just ignored him. I felt I picked up on emotions on the way around but I just ignored them. I have no idea what to do with this information. The dog got to have great run at a field I like to get to. Nice spot bit mucky at the moment but the dog loves it.

I realize typing this I was not doing as well as I thought but this is much better than I was doing few weeks ago. I kept thinking the thought “these thoughts are my own please leave them alone”. I believe people picked up on this. I think one woman may have actually tried to talk to me I think. I was in full flight paranoid mode and just tearing road so bit unlikely, I was going to stop for a chat. Might of been one woman threaten she just needs 5 minutes with me slightly off putting but just kept going. Have not really got the hang of going out yet but making progress.

I got around in one piece. Voices where going off on one did my best to ignore them as you would talk completely mad stuff if you engage even for a second and I mean really messed up stuff.

So slightly madder stuff below from my diary be prepared you might find odd stuff:

Small point to note people are happy to believe the voices in my head are my conscious. Also use the voices to call me mad. Also voices can be what you pick up and critical voices are never your conscious which is kind of important to note when hearing voice as this would be a serious problem otherwise and is a pain in the ass as is. You can learn a lot from critical voices I think their main vibe is sexual relations and to feel safe. Also some nasty stuff they picked up. Of course they express this in their own unique way. I heard a voice say hello coming into the park (sounded like a nice lady) I don’t think it was a person I don’t think it was a spirit I usually don’t do audio with them, It would be nice to have a positive voice for a change.

So below is of sort of a sexual nature these things can be experienced by voice hearers and I have my own unique take on it as always. When I use the term V/P I am not sure if it is people or voices messing me around. It can be very confusing given my life.

So I popped into the shower after walk and noticed certain parts of my body shall we say in the down stairs department stimulated and trust me there was no reason (honest no, really honest). This would be done in an abusive way there would not be much pleasure in it despite the body part mentioned trust me there is normal stuff and this stuff and you don’t want this stuff. I was just in the shower minding my business not thinking about anything of sexual nature. This followed a wonderful conversation with V/P that they wanted a sexual relation or masturbation. Which I have no real interest in at the moment as With intrusive imagery and thoughts it is not much interest and not very enjoyable. Also bit disgusting to be honest. This can be a thing that voice hearers have to deal with generally there can be sexual abuse in their past which seems to be related to this issue. Honestly I don’t think any one knows but there are theory’s. I have spoken online to woman with similar experiences they considered it rape on their person and nothing to be enjoyed despite what their body parts where doing.

So in slightly better news talking a little bit with a woman on watts app she does not seem in any rush just send her odd message at the moment it would be nice to meet up but the last two times she seems to be sick. So I don’t know if she is just stringing me along or really interested. We are going in and out of lockdown at moment. Not sure if I want a relationship I am really happy on my own I have spend most of my life on my own (I think I will keep it this way not sure at moment) and intend to move to house away from people as soon as I can.(Far Far Far Away). You don’t even want to know V/P are saying about this.

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

This was meant to be a happy post so I don’t think I achieved that at all. Below is my gratitude list.

I have two eyes that can see.

I have a roof over my head.

I have a lovely dog.

Cobh is lovely Spot to walk in with Spot the dog.

I am healing with support and still employed from the last very serious psychosis episode (attack on my person from V/P).

I got out for a walk and said hello to some people.

I am getting back into exercise which is great. Slowely

I have food in my belly.

It is a lovely day.

It is good to be alive even on the shit days I still feel blessed.

Light and Love

Keep up the good fight till nest time.

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—4

How we now this is continued on from God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—3.
So just want to summarize with few beliefs I have picked up and developed along the away with information I believe from the Divine as well. These are just my beliefs they are not meant to offend in anyway what’s so ever. I would not dream of arguing any of these with anyone as people are entitled to their beliefs some of which you need to figure out and come to yourself. Below extract from my personal diary tidied up a bit.

“How we now V/P went to have a go at my belief in God and science. I have no idea why. I can learn to adopt my beliefs as I go but no matter what I chose to believe in God/Goddess. I believe, I guess faith. I have done this blindly and I have tried and looked into things myself possibly guided to figure out stuff that has never or have not been done in a while I honestly don’t know. Other than when in a room with people that know their stuff and I kick off they give it labels I have no interest in. I am again greatly humbled by having experiences I would call Divine Love touching my life and heart when I was basically out of options this picked me up a lot.

Even when I was really in the shitter. I prayed I gave out to God (a little) I genuine believe there is no harm in this. God is more than able to take it just give him some thanks after. I had some old thoughts/beliefs about my hope science will figure out some stuff around the God stuff/Energy/conscious etc. that at least this part of science that will remain respected by all will actually become something else it’s a hope/belief not sure where form it originated from a while back.

I am not sure if I lost my faith once and just kept praying I can’t remember (I really struggled around my own sexual abuse as a child and others and the thought God sat by and just did nothing. I struggled with this a long time. I don’t remember if I came up with an answer. I cant remember now as lame as it sounds all I have in my head is God/Goddess is love and nothing else. Everything he/she does is out of love and would not want us to go through this. Part of my belief is we are here to learn and evolve and in my belief God surfers this pain to allow us to do so and I do mean pain.

As messed up as it sounds their have been incredible human beings born form absolute horror and also destroyed by it myself included . I don’t know. I know this sounds lame but again I am not God/Goddess and it is a belief, I came to from various experiences or guided to I cant remember there is to much in my head over the years. I need to get better at this part and grow more but I need to chill for a while. I would not argue this with anyone they are entitled to their beliefs as am I. I would never argue this as everyone makes their own piece with what they have.

I have other beliefs like this I would not dream of arguing with anyone people need to make their own piece with this or stay at war their call. I would always ask what that belief is benefiting for you and not argue with them. I pray like everyone else probably a lot less than everyone else (maybe I pray in my own way) one of the V/P asked why the Divine answered my call. The word love popped into my head. I mean I have tried hard to embrace compassion they mock me repeatedly because off this. I don’t know, I would imagine others have more love than I do like monks and stuff and like good people nurses etc. Honestly I don’t know. I have memory’s of things but I don’t know.

I have beliefs around certain things I got from mediation. They involve death at a young age and that they would have had such a painful life it was taken from them to begin again in a better life as fucked as that sounds. I have this belief it was feed back to me be a reliable medium that I know why this happens. Again this is my belief I would never argue with anyone, I feel this just fits with God/Goddess is Love. And again some children that live for a while can bring such light to the world it is incredible. I have no idea where this is all coming from other than it just feels right and I am crying with no idea why and the V/P are about to flip out. I work in love and light and ask them to leave. “

So that is my update for last while I got some cards designed during this time and believe I am blessed if a bit mad. I wish everyone well. I feel good and life is good. Enjoy the xmass and New Year. Might start posting again more regularly if I have anything interesting to post.

Until next time

Love and Light

Keep up the Good fight

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—3

This is carried on from God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—2. It took me many years to recover this involved realizing I hear voices that are not people along the way. Still believed V/P where working away in the background. Their where many experiences with myself and others I don’t think I should go into as they involve others.

Best as I can tell this sensitivity in my person can be used for some really weird stuff. Also I went off in the Divine vibe for a while and blessed energies sent my way from others I have no idea how any of it works also asked the Divine for blessings. I regret nothing but if I had to do over I would talk more and look peoples way as I was beyond not grounded from the abuse V/P and most of the time was not 100% sure what was going on but always asked for the highest resolution and best good for everything also placed Jesus and Angels central so as far as I am concerned it was all from the Divine and the highest good, I do not question them or God but realize I was over zealous like a lot but did the best with what I had at time. I learn as I grow and do better.

Also might be worth noting for last 14 years my thoughts seem to be able to be tuned into. It is really weird sometimes there is nothing and next you have all sorts of weird stuff going. It feels like people are talking to you but again there is no one there. Anyone I have asked has just flat out said no. So some of this might be able to be written off as mental illness as thought projection belief but I don’t think all of it can. This is really hard to tell and deeply confusing.

So fast forward to the lovely year of 2020. There was a psychic weekend, it was a lovely weekend with Tony StockWell he was on fire brilliant weekend. Highly recommend the guy there was another Divine event there great and everything but they seem to be followed by me being completely torn to pieces. I went through the same event that happened 14 years ago which brings up the most embracing stuff from your life teemed up with intrusive stuff is quite the wreaking ball again I associate it with V/P interference. So this is where it gets just a little weird. It would seem people in the community now seem to aware of the process and the stuff I am going through and naturally I am getting right weird reactions but mostly ignored. Which is great cause I am so not a people person. I don’t like the term schizophrenia but anyone with this label this is more or less their ultimate nightmare and mine. People keep their head down or act right weird and say stuff, I just ignore as they have done mostly to me for last while as I basically smiled and nodded at everyone like a complete Moran. This is not debatable so Fuck me Alice I just popped out of that rabbit hole going what the fuck.

I do my best to recover daily what took me years is now taking me weeks with a lot of help in particular one light worker who lives locally. I cannot thank her enough she seemed to figure out stuff about me in an instant which V/P would simply use to destroy me.

It would appear my reputation/mind/energies/body have more or less been completely plundered, raped and destroyed. (little dramatic perhaps but it does feel a little lie that at times)

I don’t seem to care as I genuinely believe divine love has touched my heart and it just keeps me alive even on the cranky ass days. I can be hard not to be cranky with the voices it’s like they drag your thoughts into stuff about you and others that’s not very nice. I do what I can. The Divine is Good.

Continued in Part 4

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—2

So following from Part 1 post. I have mentioned my struggles with mental health over the years on this site. So I am going to give a quick summary now again bare in mind some of this is going to sound completely and utterly mad but this is the life I have lived and just need to get this stuff out of my head so it stops bothering me. I have some confusion in my mind so will simply use the short V/P to refer to voices and what I perceive as people. There is truth to this but again take everything with a grain of salt it sounds totally bonkers to me but it is good to write it out.

So over the years I have come to the conclusion my person is way to sensitive to people and energies causing me and others all sorts of issues. I don’t even know where to start with these will do a separate post. I think it sort of qualifies as some sort of empath but I think but it gets like way weirder than that but I need to factor in my mental health. So bare with me as I just summarize about 14 years of my life.

I bought a house in a lovely town in Cork. I initially intended to retire here but I have wanted to move out more or less since the day I moved in, ( I have been in negative equity a while and was out of work for years also with psychiatry more or less leaving me with my liberties hanging by a tread if I do anything to weird to those around me. It has not been fun. it’s not all bad either I have met brilliant people here) In a nutshell it got weird as in Alice not only have we gone down the rabbit hole , I think we found a whole other side of crazy.

So I have been living like two life’s more or less maybe more than two not sure. In one I appear to have a mental breakdown more or less when I moved in ( I had trouble before but this is off the wall ). I believed some V/P around me where doing all sorts of bad things to my person and being, affecting my sleep and mental well being etc. I will not go into to much detail but you would not wish it on your worst enemy. This has more or less continued nice and quite since for about 14 years. Those around me seem utterly oblivious to it. It is like they are in a different world to me. There was a few suicide attempts and was committed a few times.

See below from extract from site https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intrusive-thoughts#:~:text=Intrusive%20thoughts%20are%20thoughts%20that,may%20be%20violent%20or%20disturbing. this is a rather unpleasant experience to say the least.

Intrusive thoughts may be violent or disturbing. They may be thoughts of a sexual nature, including fantasies. They can also be about behaviors you find unacceptable and abhorrent. These thoughts, however, are just thoughts. They seemingly appear out of nowhere and cause anxiety, but they have no meaning in your life. They’re not warning messages or red flags. They’re simply thoughts.


Also see below from https://positivepsychology.com/intrusive-thoughts/#:~:text=A%20false%20memory%20is%20when,%E2%80%9D%20(Preston%2C%202016).

A false memory is when “the sufferer gets an intrusive thought that they’ve done something in the past and the sufferer cannot differentiate whether the thought is a memory or an intrusive thought” (Preston, 2016).

Dave Preston, an author and blogger who struggles with his own OCD diagnosis, writes that these distressing, false memories can come at any time; it might be a few hours after the event supposedly happened, or years after. Regardless of the time frame, the common factor in these false memories is often a “sudden, striking thought that something bad happened at a specified time and place” (Preston, 2016).

The memories may be vague or hazy at first, but as the individual grapples with it more, he or she will likely find that things start to sharpen and details begin to appear in their memory; of course, these details are false, but they don’t seem false to the person remembering them.

So these process above caught hold of me 14 years ago. There is usally something build into the memory that would imply it is false but it naturally comes with guilt, worry and thinking about way to much. I have many of these some no bother some are utter hell, Some are quite fun and I wish they where real but Unfortunately they are not. The hellish aspect of these (now this is where it gets a bit weird ) Seems to be picked up be some interfering folk around the place or actually created them not sure which they did while I was asleep to inflict an absolute living hell on my person and intrusive thoughts turned into a constant flow of horror inflicted on my being. I have no idea how this is done but I personally have experienced focusing on people and affecting them into doing stuff they did not want to do while they where fully aware of it happening to them (freaked them right out with a giggle of course) unfortunately for me this works both ways. No idea how or why but stronger and weaker might depend on how grounded you and they are. I might have something to do with aspects of trance states of mind as well. I have no idea.

I would usually fall asleep at night wake to freaky stuff and have new weird stuff I would need to deal with during that day. There have also been times I would be completely knocked out and no idea what was going on. I also have perceived people focus on my being doing all sorts of stuff no idea how any of it works also I am bit mad but there is some truth to this as best as I can tell.

Naturally a constant flow of this stuff would break anyone and it did. I was out of work (recession here at the time) I was in and out of mental hospitals I gained weight with these people working away in the background with everyone utterly oblivious to it. I hear from time to time they are trying to help , does not make much sense given the utter hell they opened up in my being 14 years ago. Their also appears to be event around the same time that involved the Divine can’t remember much about it but I think it was impressive stuff again this would have been a spiritual awakening I was not ready for and was to powerful for me to deal with on my own. I believe it involved a Church at the time. It was 14 years ago in my mind I was being stalked day and night by V/P. It was really weird.

It took about 6-8 years to recover from this breakdown(attack on my person). It took a lot of effort but I got there I ran 3 marathons and have been back working as a Steel Detailer for about 6 years or so.

Continued in Part—3

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—1

So, hi my name is Mike I have not posted here in a while, Just a reminder I do confuse reality but that is not to say there is not something useful in this and sometimes very true (with a slight pinch of salt). It really would be best to keep this in mind when reading this. Might be worth mentioning I do hear voices and have rather unusual beliefs, but these are mine please do not take offense to anything it is not meant it that way.

I have spent over the last two years developing psychic and mediumship skills in circles. Also doing courses in holistic health I have taking a particular liking to Reiki and Divine energy and doing card readings. I found it an immensely rewarding and healing process. Will go into this more later which will sound utterly mad but for the life of me seems alarmingly real. I have a site on Facebook where I promote Reiki and cards and do motivational posts on holidays at moment. See link below. https://www.facebook.com/ReikiMike

I had some unusual experiences in the circle which might be the norm for all I know. So, I let spirit work through me but I sort of blanked out, but no one generally said anything about it and I seem to freeze when anyone references it (I think I still do this I am not sure). So, spirit is easy you can easily tell it from me, and the result was usually a laugh or healing for the group. Sometimes I would experience this in sort of trance or just watching my body doing stuff but again the result was a laugh or healing for me, and the group so worked away. It can be embarrassing depending on what spirit saying but it does not phase me in this state even slightly. The person working with you can generally pick up its spirit as I would have actions or wording which would fit the person working through me. It was and is an incredible learning experience and a joy to do.

Now this is the part where it gets tricky, I used voices mine that I believe I picked up from people through energy or other means I have no idea, but it seems to have worked. Also, the result I blanked out and they would work away. As best as I can remember I committed them to the light and asked protection from Michael the Archangel in all that I do and for the highest good. This seemed to work they had information I did not have access to that would be useful to a reading/healing also I would look completely mad and possible scare the utter shit out of people (excuse the language). I would have the person down to a tee I would have my eyes closed with literally no idea what was going on. This would happen spontaneous out of the blue. I really should have let them know before hand. This seemed to go on for a while I believed voices hearers like me can use this incredible skill to bring great healing and information, I would not have access to normally. Also stuff I just would not say or deal with they would deal it with ease.

Might be worth nothing one of the voices agreed when speaking through that this could be used as a modality of healing, but I was too messed up and overloaded with voices to do so. Sure, I never listen to good advice. Keep in mind I can get stuff confused but I still believe this can be done in the right setting and right experienced people but would need to be done very carefully. I believe it works much better with voices from spiritual people particularly does who are gifted psychics/mediums as opposed to aggressive people or less spiritual inclined folk.

See part 2 To be continued