A new year.
A time for Hope.
A time for despair.
So I have heard voices all my life. 14 years ago I hit the rocks ended up depressed for years and about 21 stone in weight. More or less sitting around broke and utterly miserable few suicide attempts in and out of mental health facilities. No money no job not exactly the happiest man you would speak to. No real hope for a future.
I would not recommend the experience. I made the decision about 6 years in get off my ass as I just could not continue as I was. Starting walking managed about a mile first day and nearly had a heart attack, I kept going and persisted badgered by voices every step of the way and my own inner demons. That decision lead me to wobble around three marathons and I have been working for the last 6 years. I have a strong faith in the Divine which helps.
I met the right people in circles and holistic healing course which brought me along leaps and bounds. It has not all been plane sailing. I have had many difficulties and pit stops along the way. So skip forward to this year my mind hit the same place it hit 14 years ago but this time I know from experience what to do or at least what not to do.
I eventually asked the right people for help the lock down here did not help. Also the fact I though I was invincible did not help either but eventually got the strength to ask for help. I choose to keep a positive outlook as best I could can be tricky with voices. Not sure if I won more than I lost but I set my intent and kept dusting myself off along the way. Learned about myself and others this year. I designed a set of cards for motivation and reading along the way hope to get them production next year. I ran a Facebook page to do motivational quotes during this time frame which I am very proud off given my state of mind. I have not had the need to be committed in about 9ish years which I am also very proud off it is extremely difficult to get off this circle of going in and out of mental institutions once it starts.
I think what differed this time to the last time was simply experience and just shear determination to not go back to where I was and of course a lot of help along the way from here and above. I am much better place now but of course like everyone still have work to do.
At any time during this year I could of simply choose utter disappear and done something that would of landed me right back in hospital or the morgue. I know as I have made decisions in the past that did so.
I guess what I am trying to say is you cannot choose what life throws at you but really can choose how to respond to it. I choose to what I can with what I have and not to forget to smile even if there are a few tears along the way.
Choose Hope not despair. You might be in the same situation but you would have at least some joy in your heart.
Happy new year
I wish you the best
Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.
Just little extract from my diary (just give you some insight to where my mind is )as always take with a pinch of salt but never assume it is all mad. Best of luck figuring which. I use term V/P which cover voices or people which are getting hard to tell apart. Also just wondered do others have such experiences.
I would appear some local concerned V/P took the liberty to knock me right into trance/blackout with my mother in the room. I lose cognitive function just slightly did feel a lot of movement in energy in my hands and effect on my visuals. Like fluttering out of consciousness. I thought if I worked on my boundaries it would work and almost did and helped but did not stop them in the end. I believe had I my full cognitive capacity I would have left the room, which I believe I did not, I remind myself to do this in the future as it is safer. My mother was unaware of anything. I came do saying in my mind “I only work in love and light. I am asking you to leave.” Repeatedly. They then proceeded to show me imagery of horror stuff (intrusive thoughts) with the comment that is lovely imagery to have in your head. I was just coming out of slight black out and said I have whole universes in my head which looks so real I was convinced for a lot of my life they were, but they are not. I have imagery in my head of all sorts of heavenly and hellish things and I am not explaining it to anyone who just wonders by happily knocking me out, violating my being having their bit of fun and then fuckling off proud of themselves, they where messing around with local freak.
Did see two women walking off might of been them to paranoid to do much of anything. Once I regained me senses from this violation of my person. I said, I just do not care and just fuck off to V/P. It is my intent to repeat, as much as possible going forward and if they violate my mind just come back to my senses and tell them to kindly fuck off. One of the V/P would always argue I should not be around people as they are people with evil intention. I cannot really argue this anymore and hope to get out of here soon and away from such people as much as possible. I trust no one as they cannot be trusted but there are good people of course they are simply hard to see right now.
It can be tricky with V/P it seemed someone sneak into Neighbors and shouted something about move out you chancer., sort of hard to take this seriously other than I have meet many arseholes in my time. Also, neighbor’s dogs never went off so just ignoring, nice if I could keep nice flow like this when walking around it would be fun and on top of that there is some fucking thing interfering with my balls (tactile sensation) so 2020 apparently everyone is having a hard time. Which I am glad for the blessing of health for me and my family also keep my Uncle in mind as he has cancer. I am glad of the blessing of a new born in the family (safely & healthy for all involved). All of my family are clear of the bloody COVID-19 which is great. I am alive and breathing even came up with lovely slogan I got a giggle from. (will stick in picture at end) I have a roof over my head and technically still employed which is a blessing. I have a card with few quid to treat myself and someone else. I am surer of what I want to do in life, and I am excited to move forward with faith and hope in my heart. I am honestly curious were my life goes. Also, like Krishna Das has brilliant stuff if you are into chanting look him up on YouTube. I should throw him a few quid his stuff has helped me, wishing him well as he has Limes disease. I am thankful my Spiritual and Divine connection that comes through and has grown stronger. I just feel in the flow and happy to be alive. God is Good the Goddess is Good Life is good, but it is not all unicorns and rainbows. I reminded off cliché if it was not for the dark night how would we know the light. Sita Ram Sita Ram (Krishna Das song). I am thankful for new understanding of my being and others. I am thankful for the words Fuck Off I believe these will bring me much peace. I guess “No” would have done but hey some folks need clarifying. I am thankful for my ability to heal with help, to heal faster than I thought possible from a thing I would rather not speak off.