My meds and GP compliant 

It’s a wet Friday night where I am at. My mood is good as I hope is yours.

Practise yoga each morning for 15 mins. Sarahbethyoga on YouTube is very good if you feel so inclined. I am still terrible at some poses but getting the hang of others. Get some meditation most days. In practiseing mindfulness I have noted once again my incredible ability to have an imaginary argument in my mind. It truly amazes me I get up in the morning and try some what haphazardly to practise yoga then as soon as I get to make breakeast I am having an imaginary argument in my mind. I become aware of it usually fairly fast and stop it in its tracks just to start a completely new argument 30 secs later it’s pure gas. I think this is among the reasons the voices in my mind call me the angriest man in the world. I believe there is a lot of anger and frustration at things in my past and present which I must learn to focus in a positive way.

I found myself constantly arguing in my mind about taking medication which I believe has not helped my position. Upon my GP not going for a reduction in my meds and said he would set up meeting with psychiatrist which I have no faith in, which I mentioned in previous post . I was annoyed and made a complaint to some medical board. I think it was 2 weeks ago . I promptly forgot about it and did not think it would amount to much. I received an email a day or two ago saying they acknowledged my email and would review in some committee.

 I went to my GP today to get my injection and had not realised they had informed my GP. Which led to a very tricky conversation in which he started typing out what I was saying. He said he could not treat me and said he would look into another GP giving me my injection. Does not bother me to much did not think much of him as GP. He said it was causing him a lot of stress. I had no clue what to say. I don’t think I will see much of him anymore. He also said it would be difficult to treat me in future as I may make a compliant about him, not sure what to make of that statement.

No clue what will happen. The compliants board asked me to produce any evidence to support my complaint. I might ask around for advice to see what people say. I really did not think they would take someone like me seriously but they seem to be.

Other than odd conversation with my now ex-GP. Just working away doing my think trying to make time for WordPress but not feeling it these days so watching Ted Talks on app on iPad . There is some great stuff on it. 

Doing bit more running these days trying to enjoy it. Not doing much just 3miles a few times a week.

Well that’s my update.😀

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

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Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

TRE & Yoga

It’s raining heavy here, I don’t mind it I sort of like the sound and watching the rain. 

I have been to 3 Yoga classes there grand but I am about as flexible as a brick. It’s mostly woman in the class which suits me as just trying to get used to being around woman more. It’s harder than you would think, I was happy to get through the class the last time. Plan to go every Wednesday see how I get on. It’s nice having it in middle of the week it breaks up the week. It’s about 5 minutes up the road from work which is handy.

Last weekend did embodied wisdom workshop for the day. It involved TRE and inner dance type stuff. The TRE was interesting you just do some excercise stuff until your body shakes. I believe it is meant to realise trauma from the body, with practise it is meant to help past trauma which would be useful. Got email summary of what to do with it a day or so ago plan to practise it during week. It was an interesting day I thing one of the woman might of been half interested in me but not sure she might have been just friendly. She was nice to talk to did not act stuiped around her she had very relaxing energy. I had enough of being around people by the end of the day and just took off but meet some very interesting people on workshop.

Have booked some sort of thi chi workshop for next weekend hopefully be interesting. Something to look forward to. 😀

I have continued to mostly not engage with the voices but turn on some sounds at night and try engage with them for half hour or so. They usually express anger during this time frame but it has been mostly quite during the day. To be honest it can be a bit boring not engaging with the voices.

Still practising different types of meditation. It can be hard sometimes to quite the mind but it works a charm from time to time. I believe the autogenics practise is helping personal issues I am having.

I used to think my eyes just watered a bit during meditation but not sure now I think I let loose a tear or two in some types of meditation not sure what to make of it but I don’t see any harm in it. I have not really seen many images when I meditate for a week or so it’s grand not sure if it will stay that way or if I want it to.

Hope your week goes well😉

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

Hearing Voices and meditation.

TW slight mention of CSA.

All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.

I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them. 

While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.

My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.

I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either.  I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.

Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self 😉

On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.

The good with the bad

Trigger warning mention of CSA 

Just want to jot down some good and bad points of my week.

I came out to work a while back about having the label schizophrenia. They seemed fine about it. 

I have a habit of laughing when engaging with the voices in my mind from time to time. I got paranoid that people in work where thinking I was laughing at them and hated me. I sent boss email during week saying if people have an issue with me laughing from time to time to myself that they should check link below about 30 secs in woman explains she was laughing to herself having conversation in her head (video is about 1:30 secs long worth look interesting woman)

SchizophreniaNYC
I got email few days later saying they would have a meeting to discuss and he would like to bring woman in office into meeting. It went fine they asked how they could help with my situation and asked what it was like to be schizophrenic. I have never really talked to someone about what it was like had no clue what to say. I said I can be paranoid people where against me. And he agreed that I could send an email to himself or woman if I was having an issue around something to check if it was an issue (this could prove really useful as I can get worked up and paranoid about trivial events) They also said they never noticed me laughing that I just came across as quite and did my work and went home and would never have guessed I was schizophrenic. I mentioned it was important to me that someone with my label is able to hold down a job just like everyone else. They said they where very happy with my work it was good to hear this. So it looks like I am genuinely paranoid about things hmmm……

I also noticed I could not say the word schizophrenic I kept saying someone with my label. I really don’t associate myself with the word. I also described my thoughts as interactive as in they talk back to me. All in all I believe I represented someone with my label well.

I went to yoga during the week, I was about as flexible as a brick but I enjoyed it will go back.

I also got the notion to start a local voice hearing group at weekends but no clue how. Got on to guy that knows something about this stuff by email he was on holidays but asked by email would I be interested in being on the committee of the voice hearing group I said I would be interested. No clue what I would need to do but be interesting to see where it goes. He’s back end of month.

After all this positive stuff I felt very strong tactile sensation (someone touching your body when no one is there) in part of my body that was most traumatised by sexual abuse as a kid.(it can feel like a reproduction of the abuse) The voices claimed they where raping me and I was enjoying it. To say I was jumping around the chair a bit would be understated but as usual I got my work done and got through the day. This can be a very stressful situation but when I went for a walk at lunch I pointed out to the voices I had not got upset with them and start fighting with them which at times is all they seem to want. The positive energy in me was strong enough to hold out. I can feel it at the moment I can’t help but think part of me can’t accept things are going well and almost needs to feel traumatised but I am not a child anymore and not a victim whatever my body feels my mind is free.

Keep up the good fight.🙂

The lonely outsider

Hi this post I think will be slightly dark just so as your aware.

Firstly I do not consider myself a danger to anyone or that I am evil.

I saw in news recently a man attacked 2 woman which I might add is utterly unacceptable and I utterly condem. One of the things the judge in the case used to describe the man was something like a lonely social outsider as if this made it accept able which it does not.

It struck a chord in me that I am a lonely social outsider. This sort of hurt a bit but it got me thinking about my own situation. I believe a lot of what my voices call me is related to my interaction with society and stuff from my youth. 

When I was very young and being sexualy abused I heard on news that people who where sexualy abused can turn out to be sexual  abusers themselves . I really can’t explain the effect this but of news had on my head . It felt like I disappeared into the back of my mind and felt utterly disconnected from reality. It was Like looking at the world through thick jam jars it really was a horrible thing to hear.

I always felt wroung or I did not fit in. Which in turn I guess I act strange around people.

 I heard a discussion on the radio recently which highlighted the fact that men are generally not trusted around woman and children. I think one example they gave was he was at the beach on his own with families around him and he felt out of place and someone asked him to leave. I was actually relieved to hear this up to this point I felt that it was just me being treated like this.

I guess having the feeling you do not fit in and being an outsider and seeing all the terrible stuff on news about men and thing mentioned above about when I was a kid. Also just the feeling that I was the bad guy which I got from people in general which I is fine as woman and children need to proprect themselves I have no issue with that but I guess in someway it has made at least part of me want to reject society. Sometimes I feel like screaming I am not your bad guy to point the finger at.

I believe this all fed into what the voices call me now(the most evil thing in creation) Some of my nightmares I am the bad guy which is really unsettling. I used to wake up crying. This doesn’t really happen anymore but I still worry it could it is trully unsettling.

I realised I do not really have positive interactions with people in general especially woman.

So I have decided to do something about this. I just don’t want to be a lonely social outsider anymore. I want to have more positive interactions with people in general impartiality woman. Don’t get me wroung I will never be the life of the party but I dont want my interaction with society to be society telling me I am the bad guy here (this can leave me feeling angry and bitter at society) honest I am not so bad sure I can be asshole like everyone else at times but for the most part I can have a positive influence on the world.

I went to meditation class last Sunday  Which for the most part was a positive interaction with woman and men. Going to a yoga class tonight which I hope will have a positive impact on my relationships with people.

So in summary I am not the bad guy. 

Stay safe out there.

Osho meditation.

Hi hope your well. Tried osho meditation today all I can say is WTF. 

We had to pretend we where 5 and play like kids I just could not engage and just tried to avoid people. Being a kid basically stank for me I could not relate.

We then pretended your an angry dog barking at other dogs. By other dogs I mean people on the course. I was bit freaked out but tried by barking a little but mostly just kept away from people. It really was not going well. 

Then we had to try be a sensual cat and rub our bodies of other people. All I can say is holy fucking shit. There was no fucking way I was going to rub of other people in a sensual way given the sever issues I have about people being in my boundaries. I literally sat there sweating frozen in place keeping to myself with odd person rubbing off me meowing. I was completely fucking frozen. 

We then had to act like we where laughing for another 5 mins or so. At this stage I was totally fucking depressed and felt like the difference between me and other people was so glaring obvious in the last 15mins it was honestly painful. The course instructor’s tried to get me to engage but I just could not. They even asked me was I ok which of course I responded to by saying oh ya I’m fine (while screaming in my head please just get the fuck away from me.)

We then had to pretend we where crying this was about the only excercise I could relate to. I felt myself tear up and did not want to cry in front of everyone so I do what I do best and shut everything down and just sat there feeling empty.

We then had to meditate with a blank mind I decided I would leave at first opportunity and just call it quits. Unfortunately a tear or two escaped and my noise was runny I just sat there silently in meditation planning my escape. The voices where quite through this but Mary agreed it was going terrible.

We then sat in a circle to talk about the experiences. It must of been really obvious I stuck out, one woman said she once had a social phobia and would not have been able to do these excercise once but had done a lot of work to be able to do them now and if someone was unable to do these excercise that it was just fine. I was speaking to her briefly about it just after this and one of the instructors came up and asked me if I was alright if I had some emotional stuff that came up in the meditation. I said I had boundary issues and it was also some emotional stuff. He seemed fine about it and said just engage as much as you are comfortable with. I would like to be a little proud of myself at this point by saying I did have an issue and I just did not run screaming from the building which I guess would have looked a bit odd.

We took 5. Min break and started into another type of meditation I did what I could it went well and felt good by lunch so decided to give the afternoon a go.

The afternoon went much better I did the best I could and really enjoyed the humming meditation also the dance one I probably looked odd standing in the corner swaying to myself but I felt great.

I felt the usual buzzing sensations in my legs, head and espically in my arms. At one point an instructor stepped over my hand and I felt the sensation of his leg moving over my arm without him touching it. Meant to ask about sensations but I just wanted to retreat home to where I felt safe. I can feel tinkling in my palms as I write this it’s not unpleasant I just don’t know what it is. I realise a physiatrist would call it tactile hallucinations but I think that’s a label for something they just don’t understand other than to medicate it out of existence. I feel it helps me to tune into my body and at times it’s super relaxing sensation which is useful when under pressure at work.

When I was dancing swaying my hands around my body. I could feel in my hands different sensations from different parts of my body still pretty clueless as to why this is , I guess I might just be mad but I can’t help but feel there is more to it.

So in summary I am very glad I went  it is good to do thinks out of your comfort zone but I may have over reached a bit today. 

I hope to get some of the music they had to practise 1 or 2 of the meditations I picked up there.

The voices where mostly quite today saw little imagery when I closed my eyes to meditate but not much. I was visualiseing nature and I saw a samurai in grass approaching me he raised his head and it was panda out of Kung fu panda it then sprouted wings turned into an angel with a sword in its hand the voices got freaked out and started interfering with imagery at this stage said they don’t want to see angel stuff. I have a weird head I have to ask does anyone else see imagery like this.

It’s was a tough day but feeling good I think I would use the label happy and calm right now feeling bit tired so I’m of to bed.

Meant to say also people in the group were super friendly it made my day so much easier.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

There is hope 😉