Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening? 

Read some links during the week from hearing voices network ireland on facebook. Thought they where very interesting. 

The first link is a guy who examines how indigenous people treat people who hear voices. It basically states that they are not treated with any stigma. That in general they would have a mentor who has been through something similar themselves who guides them through this process and then they possible end up as a type of healer for the community. It suggests they are able to induce a altered state of mind which they can get useful bits of information from.

I would like to point out they basically contribute to there community and also survive with out the use of antipsychotics. I can’t help but wonder if someone from western society who hears voices went to the indigenous healer who also hears voices, would they be willing to teach them how they live with the voices. And would it be similar to the voice dialog that is promoted by the hearing voices networks.

I guess I am just letting my thoughts run away with me but I would be interested in travelling to meet such people to learn what I could from them. Anywho see link below to Ted talk I thought it was very interesting, if you have a look let me know what you think in the comments.

Link to Ted talks
The next link is about a woman Rachel. Who briefly explains her story of her experience’s of mental health services. Very interesting woman well worth a look.

Rachel’s Story

Weeks summary:

I have a recurring dream where I am trying to get down the stairs from my room to the living room in the house I grew up in and I am in a anxious state of mind. I got down the stairs during the week and burst into the living room in an upset state of mind. To find my mother and uncle with a child version of myself just sitting there.

I then thought I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. One of my voices said what do you expect from us all we can do is Viking speak and then said eat shit and die, I laughed at this as I have come to do of most insults. I then realised I was still dreaming. So I went off down the stairs again, along the way I meet my childhood dog and asked him to come with me. I find the sitting room door tied shut . I tear it open and find the grandfather who abused me sitting on a chair watching TV with a fire lighting. He got up and backed away from me with an alarmed look on his face. I grab him and tell him to get the fuck out of my head he replies I don’t know where it is. I try to punch through his head but struggle to do so, so I then proceed to squash him into the fireplace to burn him while my dog looks on , I then woke up . Bit of a heavy dream tried little bit of meditation after it to relax before I got on with my day. My dreams since have been happy enough , my sleep self also seems to excipiet a stronger ability to control things in the dreams which is nice.

I basically gave up the idea of telling work I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I decided it’s just nice to have a place where I am not treated as if I am going to freak out at any second and attack everyone, which is the way it is at home at times which is not nice to live with.Plus telling them this may cost me my job and like every one else I need the money.

Still practising meditation and running away at my slow pace but both practises seem to keep me happy.

Considering changing name of my blog to voicehearer548 as schizophrenia548 does not really feel right anymore.

I also went back to my previous therapist and realised when I was in there I really did not have anything to say. So he flicked through this blog and mentioned the other therapist I had been seeing seemed very judgemental which he would consider to be wrong , especially when it came to my parents.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight👍🏼

Therapy God and day to day stuff

Hope your well. Just back from a walk with my dog. Nice dry day but very cold. Feeling well so decided to place a few thoughts from the week here. Might be a bit heavy as always so give a miss if your already feeling down.

GOD AND THERAPY

Was in therapy during the week. The topic of God came up. She questioned me on where do I thing my grandfather who abused me was , so I said hell. When she questioned why I  should go to heaven , I replied I try to be good . She reacted like this was important, I did not particularly like comparing where my grandfather is to where I would like to end up, just didn’t seem right. I mentioned I Don’t believe in an God who does anything in the world. From what I have experienced and what I see in the world. She countered this by saying what about people like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela and we are here to learn things from this life. I replied by saying if there is anything to learn from surviving child abuse, I don’t want to learn it. I guess believing in God is a personal choice. I believe it is beneficial to believe in god for a few reasons but I just can’t have anything to do with organised religion espically because of the way the clergy dealt with child abuse in Ireland and other countries. The thoughts off an all seeing and knowing God just sitting there and watching children being abused, I guess I just can’t come to terms with. I think I have anger issues with God , not sure how to deal with that.

Had a flat tire on the bike when I came out of therapy. I thought I dealt with it well. I just rang insurance company who picked up bike within 40 minutes. I got a spin from my sister home 5 minutes later. I was home and eating my dinner with an hour of getting flat. So it was not so bad I guess. Was up and running with bike the next day.

DAY TO DAY STUFF

The brother in laws mother passed away. I know she had problems with her mental health and had Parkinson’s at the end. She could not eat and spend all of her time  just sitting down. People kept says not things like she does not have a life worth living. Despite this she fought to the very end to live. I would go to the funeral but the last time I went to a funeral I was in a severely phychotic state of mind and came within in a hairs breath of creating a scene at the funeral home. Also when it came to carry the coffin in to the church my cousin in front of the whole crowd outside the church said in a mocking tone with a smile on his face I heard you went mad. I had an odd reaction my brain just blacked out and I saw nothing for a second. He saw this and said with some excitement look you are , I think this reapeted a few times , with me blacking out each time , I guess my brain just wasn’t ready to deal with certain things and that’s how I reacted. I eventually said what are you doing we are here to pay our respects to my aunt and nothing else. I still can’t believe he did this in front of the whole crowd gathered outside the church. I decided not to go to funerals anymore not sure how that’s going to work out in the long run just have to see how it goes.

VOICES

Woke up early one morning with a voice I call Beatrice calling me an asshole reapetly non stop. I thought to myself who do it turn to at this time of the morning, since no one was around. I decided to turn to the voice calling me names , the only thing I could thing causing me any stress at some level, was when I go back to sleep at this time in the morning in the past I would wake up to disturbing dreams. So I said don’t worry I will give instructions to my subconscious before I go to sleep to keep everything fine. She said fuck off your not going back to sleep. I gave some instructions to my subconscious self like I will have peaceful sleep etc. The voice quitened down and I fell back to a peaceful sleep. They have been very quite since my therapy session during the week. They mostly repeat the same stuff but sometimes they can be a little friendly. I am never sure how to react when they are friendly.

TYPICAL SATURDAY

Had some thoughts yesturday about people watching me with cameras in the house and cooks commenting on the food I was cooking. I love having the kitchen to myself to cook food. Anyway I did not actually believe I was being spied on just that I had thoughts about it. I thought that maybe I was lonely and wanted to share aspects of my life with someone. Might run this past my therapist next time I see her see what she says. The end result of this is I want to give a summary of what I did yesturday just to share with someone. So her goes.

Woke up early got out of bed and went for 8mile maff run. It went well I was happy with the run. Came home had coffee with double cream and an omelette with mushrooms, onions and tomatoes. See picture below. Cod liver oil is the only thing I add to my diet other  whole foods.


Had an apple later on in the day did some stuff online and bit of shopping.Made some bars which I will cut up and eat during the week at work, see recipe on link below. They taste much nicer than they look if you can get mix of ingredients right. See picture below

Bars


For dinner got pork mince in the butcher, made burgers with garlic in them. And fried a courgette onions mushrooms tomatoes in coconut oil, And a small drop of wine. See picture below.


On the weekends for dessert I make a cake and eat with cream it tastes great and has no sugar or flour in it. See picture below.

 
I watched a bit of T.V. . Practised some mindfullness meditation and went to bed.

Feel free to comment on food in pictures if it looks good or bad but trust me it all taste good.

Well I have rambled on long enough, hope your weekend is going well.

Keep up the good fight👌🏽

I guess life is not as bad as I thought.

Trigger warning:child abuse,language.

During the week we got a phone call that my niece, who is 12 years old, was on the phone, with some video link with two other girls around the country. One of them invited a man from Abroad into the video link and that he may have done something explicit on the phone. My niece would not talk about it and they asked her mother to come up to Dublin to talk to her. We got the phone call when her mother was on the train to Dublin in a distraught state. I was having my dinner at the time and as expected got upset at the news. I might be sensitive to the topic from my experience of child abuse but I was surprised ever one else was so calm. I was doing my best to not cry but they all seemed fine. I then went on facebook and saw something about Trump and I could not help but think the world is just a fucked place to be. I got up early the next morning and decided to offer my savings in credit union to pay for any therapy my niece might need. Her mother text me back saying  she was fine that on my nieces phone she got no video and cut the guy off after 1min and basically saw nothing. Thank God for iPhones. My niece basically could not understand why her mother had come all the way to Dublin to see her. This was a great relief. I also see Trumps ban on certain people travelling has been blocked for now. I guess even when life does look fucked it can turn around and unfuck itself just as lively as it went bad.

Just back from the morning walk with the dog and feel prettie good about life. The reduced dose of medication seems to be going fine. There was one week over new year when things got bad with the voices but January seems to be going fine. I am trying to not react to anything negative the voices say and just accept my life as it is, and when I do react I have a habit of taking the piss out of them a bit.

 I used to have a lot of sexually violent and just violent stuff in general in my dreams which I used to find profoundly disturbing. I have read that people who experience things I have can experience this.I started to give what I call my sleep self instructions before I go to sleep. Things like I will be calm cool and collective in m dreams, I will have peaceful dreams, I will look for peaceful solutions to problems in my dreams, I will show everyone that consent is essential in my dreams. Been doing this a few months and the turn around in my dreams is amazing. There might be the odd thing but for the most part I have peaceful dreams and if anything sexual occurs in my dreams it’s just normal stuff. I could not be happier at the turnaround in my dreams over a few months by just giving few instructions before my sleep. I read somewhere that the subconscious may not understand not statements, like I will not have violent dreams so I avoid statements like this. I don’t wake as much at night anymore which is nice but can still do so some nights but as previosly mentioned, but for the most part I can sleep for seven hours without interruption.

 I did have a thought about something in work get stuck in my head during the week which I used to find  impossible to deal with in the past but I went for a run and tried to be very aware of what I was thinking and just put it out of my mind. I also had an odd feeling during the week where I was afraid off my own thoughts was not sure what to make of it but it seemed to work itself out not to bothered about it at the moment.

I came across a site on another blog which places mental and physical health issues next to each other. Found few interesting blogs about Phychosis and schizophrenia. Definitely worth a look if you have not seen it. See link here The mighty.

I try to fit in mindfulness meditation and autogenics every evening miss the odd evening when tired. I definitely find it helps with the mood I don’t feel as reactionary to things that happen around me. Things that would have annoyed me I just seem to smile at. That said things still annoy me just not as much.

I am considering going to holiday in Australia in December but not sure yet. I think I could pay for it with the overtime I do in work. Doing overtime every morning hope it lasts for another while. I stopped taking on work from previous employer as I just want evenings and weekends to myself and just don’t want the extra work.

Started back running maff after 2 weeks out with my cold. Thankfully my times at maff are not as slow as I expected after a break. Will gradually increase my miles over next month or so and hopefully continue to build my aerobic base. I will try not to expect anything just see how it goes.

Well that is all I have to ramble on about for now.

I guess from this week I should keep in mind even if things look dark they can turn around quite lively.

Keep up the good fight 👍🏼😀

Autogenics and Just some thoughts 

Not been doing much other than keeping the head down and working away. 

I did tell my family about sexual abuse I suffered by my grandfather last week. Also I said he was not to be mentioned in my house again, and his pictures to be removed from my house. They seemed fine about it and said I was courageous to tell them about it and sorry I had to go through it. Father suggested I find a group of people who went through same thing. Offered to go to therapy with me. I spend most of my time in the house avoiding parents I don’t fancy him coming to therapy with me. I did not really want to discuss it with them so when they both brought it up once I did not say much. We have not discussed it since which suits me. At least I don’t have to deal with him being in conversation again or have his pictures around the house. I told them by text as did not want to see there knee jerk reaction to it. I thought it went fine considering.

I am trying a lower dose of medication. I mentioned to doctor I was hearing more voices he wanted to up the meds again. I explained I was under a lot of stress at the time and this was the reason it happened. He agreed to keep on current dose . He looked like I had slapped his face when I mentioned sexual abuse. Not sure there is a way to say it happened nicely so I just blurt it out.

3-4 weeks ago voices got bad again but they have died down a bit again. I was thinking during the week of all the things they have threatened in last 10 years nothing has really happened I believe I should keep this in mind going forward. I find ignoring them useful and singing songs in my head over them also useful. I also take the piss out of them a bit and try to use humour. They say by doing this I am trying to befriend them like the last voice I was dealing with which I would laugh at a bit, this voice has started to fade a bit. Be interesting to see what happens in next few months with them. I still get tactile hallucinations(the feeling of being touched when no one is there) was never sure how to deal with this other than not freak out which I have had plenty of practise at. Currently very little visual hallucinations but they can happen again I think the key is not to freak out or read anything into them. I still wake few times a night this has been happeneing to me for years it doesn’t seem to adversely effect me . I don’t usually get nightmares anymore which were very bad and effecting my sleep for a good length of time. I whisper a few statements like, I will have good dreams, I will have peaceful dreams etc. This seems to keep dreams under control and mostly out of negative territory.

I started doing 20 mins mindfulness podcast on iTunes since start of the year every evening. Even do I have only started it I have found in work in stressful situations I seem to focus on my breath and immediately relax I intend to keep at it and see how it goes. Also found site on autogenics it looks interesting I intend to give that a go in the mornings before work if I can fit it in. Site link Autogenics  if anyone interested.

The sister has a facbook group about losing weight. Asked me about how much I lost and am maintaining. I have managed to maintain a weight loss of about 6 and a half stone. It kind of made me feel good about myself saying it on facebook. One person on facebook asked me about running marathon in Dublin , I just said enjoy the process and race day and forget about times.

I have considered going on dating website and going somewhere sunny on holidays but I have not decided on either of these and will just see how it goes. Currently saving money for extension but would consider saving some of this money for a holiday.

I have noticed I get a bit agitated in the house when people are in my personal space this is something I need to either get over or just make people aware off , I guess they don’t realise how much stress they are causing me.

I continue to see stuff about schizophrenics living shorter life spans and poor health etc. I feel this is all the more reason to take care of myself I would like to be around for another few years yet. It’s nice to realise this as in my thirties I just did not want to live which is a pretty shitty state of mind to have. Below is a link to one of this studies but at least it says physical health should be part of the treatment.

Study on health
Well that’s all my bits for the moment I plan to blog more this year as I believe it helps but most of the time I have nothing interesting to say. Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight 👌🏽

Books and some thoughts.

BOOKS:

When I struggle with my concept of reality, Phychosis etc. I like to read about other people struggles with the label schizophrenia. The book the Quiet Room is one of the better books , definitely worth a read if your interested in the subject.

The Quiet Room
The book below I am currently reading. I find it interesting as it try’s to deal within the persons belief system, rather than trying to medicate them away which is like a band aid, and like all band aids it eventually falls off.

Beyond Belief
SOME THOUGHTS:

I was sitting down doing some work the other day. Was listening to some music engaging with voices a little bit. Laughing a little at some of there reactions. The father came in so I finished up and went stairs, if he saw me laughing to myself he would stick me in the nut house in a blink of an eye.

I sat down the day after to do the same but some new voices kicked in catching me unawares. I stayed calm and tried to deal with it. They were calling me evil and not wanting to do any work, which I did not want to do either but the sister is out of work and struggling to keep up mortgage payments so the money comes in handy.

This continued until I finished up work. So I went for a walk. One of the voices reminded me off my grandfather who abused me. The voice said do not compare me to him. I then felt the emotion of hurt it was quite overwhelming, I was trying to figure out how I felt and one the voices suggest betrayal. As best as I could figure out I felt hurt and betrayed by my grandfather. I have never felt this before in my life I believe I felt anger as mentioned in previous posts but this was new to me. I have only felt numb up until now.

I went for my morning run and thought it would be quite in my head but it was not. Among other things we discussed how evil was a social construct. What is accepted by one society/country would be completely unacceptable in another society/country. From this I pointed out I was evil in my voices belief system but I was not evil in my belief system. What is considered evil and what is not depends on the person viewing what is considered evil. Hope that makes sense.

I read some articles about emotional intelligence. They mentioned how emotional intelligent people are able to label there emotions. I am very poor at this but have been trying to make an effort to do so for last week or two. Below is a link as to why this would be important.

Emotional intelligence
Keep up the good fight✊🏻

General update and useful links

Triggering waning child abuse mentioned

General Stuff

I was going for my morning walk the other day, and I started asking myself why I struggle so much on the run up to xmass. I asked myself why over and over again, other than the obvious darker days. Suddenly a memory popped into my head.

When the sexual abuse stopped at around age 6-8, my grandfather used to call to the house at xmass I think for few years afterwards. He gave money to my parents for xmass. The memory popped in to my head of thinking the bastard is calling again. This would make me feel uneasy on the run up to xmass every year. I used to stare at him with utter hatred and I remember him just laughing. I belive he made an effort to give the money to my parents while I was watching. I could not but help thing this was hush money to keep my quiet. I believe this went on for few years.

I know it sounds silly for a grown man to say but I believe this uneasy feeling has stayed with me through the years without me realising what it is. I intend to mention this to my therapist to get her opinion in the new year.

Also my post Just another episode , you can read this on my site if you scroll back one or two posts, were I was discussing about intense angry feeling. On the night my therapist was asking my to write letter to my grandfather and I struggled with it. I went home and my mother was talking to my sister about my grandfather. He had a government bond and it won 20 euro and someone had to go and collect it. I think this also triggered something off in my rather odd brain. Even do he is long dead thankfully. It seems he is still paying them money to keep my quiet(I know that sounds a bit mad but it’s hard to let go of the past when it’s thrown in your face like that). I now I could be reaching but I intent to discuss this with my therapist  just to help get perspective on it.

Links

Been looking a little bit online about my label. There are some very useful sites , I have only started looking at them but would like to stick up here in case any one found them useful. I think most of them are in U.K. But the information is still good.

Intervoice Site
Hearing voices site
Recovery Site
Paranoia web site
Interesting woman she runs courses during the year
Medication

I have started on a lower dose of medication to see how I get on, for last few months. I think I am doing fine, as mentioned in previous post I did have an episode which I dealt with as best I could , there was a time I would not have been able to do this.

I have had the same symtoms and unusual beliefs for the last ten years or so. Everyone around me believes I am doing so well because of medication. But I believe since I have the same symtoms I had ten years ago and I have basically learned to live with it, I don’t see any reason to continue with the medication. I was very surprised when I mentioned to my GP about a lower dose he said that was fine and he was going to suggest it to me. He would like to keep me on lower dose for 6 months and then see how I am doing before deciding anything else. I will just see how it goes and if I feel I cannot deal with life just get him to up the dose again. I would like to say I have been reading stories of people who have been able to come off there medication slowly once they have dealt with issues around there mental health , the last  link above about the interesting woman is one of these people.

My mother nearly had a fit when I told her about medication. I was getting an injection every two weeks now it’s every 3 weeks . She tried to make an appointment in the doctors on the second week even do I told her I was trying 3 weeks. When I told her it is every 3 weeks. She said it was not happening it a rather angry voice, I calmly told her I was not going , to which she replied fine I want nothing to do with it your on your own. This suited me fine she then started to give me dire warning of the consequences of changing the medication every few days for a while after that. She said I would just end up in hospital again. As you can guess she has a habit of looking on the bright side of things. If everything is ok in 6 months time I intend to find a mental health advocate to help me argue my case and hopefully find a psychiatrist who is sympathetic to my cause as I know my current one will hear absolutely nothing about coming off medication or even trying a lower dose. I may have to shut out my mother out of all information to do with my treatment as she has a habit of controlling everything and have it the last say which given her own problems is just not healthy for me.

Training and weight

I am running away and making progress , but when you do heart rate training anything can effect it. A change in my medication is obviously having an impact. I guess my body will have to get used to new dosage. I had my last injection on Friday the day after my pace per mile is out by 1min 30secs per mile. When your as slow as me this is a lot. It seems the week after my injection I can pretty much scrap the week but the week after this it goes back to normal.On the plus side since I changed dosage I lost 7 pounds while eating the same thing. I mentioned this to my family but they just don’t want to hear it, they put these things down to other factors , I just could not be bothered talk to them any more about it they don’t seem to hear a word I say and have there minds made up already. If I eat even a little bit of rubbish food on these meds my weight shoots up. So I have decided to train and eat clean. I would recommend site below about training and food which I have been trying it for few months back now and have made slow and steady progress. It basically gets your body very efficient at burning fat for fuel I have found this useful as I don’t feel hungry as much I can get up in the morning and run 8miles on an empty stomach without any adverse side effects. I don’t get hungry for sweets and sugery things , which is useful as my meds can cause people to eat surgery stuff and it effects your fat burning capacity causing people to gain weight , trust me I know I gained 7stone on them.

Training website
Well that’s all I want to moan about , hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight & Keep on truckin✊🏻

The Life that could of been

Trigger warning , child abuse , suicide.

Firstly I need to work through some shit it my head so, if your already in bad form please do not read this post it might be bit moany and dark. I really don’t want to bring anyone down , but just need some were to get some shit out of my head.

As I have mentioned before I have been seeing a new therapist. She has come up with some ideas which I am trying to wrap my head around but struggle to make sense of. She got me to describe my life in brief to her.

 She then described my parents as very neglectful. Also she believes my mother is an alcoholic, and was verbally abusive to me as a child which she  considers a form of abuse. I believe she means that my parents did not provide a safe environment for me to grow up in. I can’t help but think everyone’s mother was just giving out to them, and that was the way things were. That said I don’t think my mother has a filter. I have a memory of her when I was a child of asking her why I was not allowed to go into first class with the rest of my friends, I was being held back. At first she did not answer but then she spun on me in an aggressive manner and said “Because your fucking stuiped”. Not very motherly I guess.

 If I was to remember some things about my mother from my youth it would be that she is one of the most aggressive people I know and she and my father spend most nights in the pub , leaving me alone with my grandfather who was sexually abusive. I would like to say I have happy memories from my youth but for the most part I hated going home from school to see what mood the mother was in now. The therapist said alcoholism is a mental illness and all the things my mother worries about and anxiety she has is just part of it. I suppose I would like to say somewhere that this kind of behaviour in my youth was not acceptable. 

I have a better relationship with my mother now but she is usually hung over in the morning and in foul mood and best avoided. She also seems to have a panic button for everything, and nearly everything I do she believes is because of my illness. My therapist believes this is part of her illness. She consumes about 6 pints of cider a night but nothing during the day.  I thing she might have a problem I am considering saying to my GP when I get my injection today, to see what he thinks.

My father likes a pint and is usually quite, but I can remember some instances were he was very angry at me. He used to put me over his knee pull down my panse  and hit me with a belt on the backside but this was 20 years ago I think this was normal enough then. I can remember one night he was drunk and angry at something and he punched me in the face. I believe this is not acceptable and he apologised for same. I said it was fine and not to worry about it. I would like to say it was not fine , punching people in the face is not acceptable, especially children. 

I get along fine with my father now but we don’t talk much.

I have good memory’s from my youth but must of them are with my sisters when I was left to mind them. We just played games like any other children, and I was always thankful my parents were not around.

I find it difficult to believe my parents were neglectful. I believe they did there best like everyone’s else’s parents maybe they were just not very good at it but that said my sisters seemed to have turned out fine.

With the environment I grew up in , I guess my head dealt with it in a very unusual way. I created an alternate reality something like the marvel superhero stuff . I believed I was constantly attacked by people , aliens and governments trying to control me but I was always strong enough to hold my own. I would slip in and out of this reality on a regular basis. I would experience this as any one else would experience normal reality . For me it was real as anything else. My therapist said this was a clever way of dealing with my problems, I will be honest and say fucked if know what to make of it.

My therapist also mentioned that I mourn the life I could have had if I was not sexually abused. At first I did not realate to this but I have been aware of this since. I was in my sisters house and the kids were playing on the floor. I felt an overwhelming desire to just be like everyone else, but I got over it and felt fine the next day. 

I was at the Christmas party yesturday and people were having a laugh and discussing there past, holidays and just stuff in general. I struggle to contribute to conversation and generally don’t like being in crowds anyway. But I started to think there is a reason I can’t relate to the conversations they were having about good memories and holidays and past girl friends. How I am supposed to relate all I know about life is paronia, doing everything I can to avoid people at every turn. I can’t even began to consider an intimate relationship with anyone. I don’t travel as it sounds like a nightmare in my mind , having to deal with all those people on your travels. I have spend a lot of my life going to work and coming home to my room playing PC games . And when I couldn’t function I just reatreted to my room and wanted nothing to do with the world. I don’t thing they want to hear how I spend nearly all of my thirties very Phychotic in and out of mental institions and a couple of suicide attempts. I just don’t think that would go down well in general conversion. If it was not for running I don’t think I would have said anything for the night. Thank god for running.

My therapist says I morn the life I could have had. The relationships, who knows maybe once I could have had kids. She says with some therapy and if I meet the right woman I could have a relationship. It not just that, its the day to day stuff , I look at someone in work they seem happy enough just sitting there not being phycotic. I tell myself just copy the normal people. They seem to sit there happy enough doing there work. I have to sit there telling myself people can’t hear my thoughts. And when I am in the next room ignore the voices of people talking about me it’s just my paranoia and how my brain works. I can have an odd reaction to someone in my personal space it’s like my mind planks out and I just pretend it’s not happening, I can get a bit freaked out by this but I thing I keep it in check.

I guess I am not a kid anymore and I have to take personal responsibility for my person. If I don’t have good memories than make some, but I know myself how my mind works I will literally do everything I can to avoid another human being. If I don’t start to try and enjoy life more,  is what I should aim for is another year not being committed and staying employed. If it is fine I will accept that, I don’t have a bad life. When running goes well it’s great it really can change my state of mind from completely depressed to a great fucking day in first few minutes of run. Also the archery and pellet gun thing at the xmass party was fun. Might consider taking up archery in new year, just see what new year brings.

 I will see were the therapy goes. I plan to try meditation over xmas people say that helps them. Might post a few bits over xmas they may not be very festive so avoid if your a bit down.

Keep up the good fight

I know I will 🎅🏼