The lonely outsider

Hi this post I think will be slightly dark just so as your aware.

Firstly I do not consider myself a danger to anyone or that I am evil.

I saw in news recently a man attacked 2 woman which I might add is utterly unacceptable and I utterly condem. One of the things the judge in the case used to describe the man was something like a lonely social outsider as if this made it accept able which it does not.

It struck a chord in me that I am a lonely social outsider. This sort of hurt a bit but it got me thinking about my own situation. I believe a lot of what my voices call me is related to my interaction with society and stuff from my youth. 

When I was very young and being sexualy abused I heard on news that people who where sexualy abused can turn out to be sexual  abusers themselves . I really can’t explain the effect this but of news had on my head . It felt like I disappeared into the back of my mind and felt utterly disconnected from reality. It was Like looking at the world through thick jam jars it really was a horrible thing to hear.

I always felt wroung or I did not fit in. Which in turn I guess I act strange around people.

 I heard a discussion on the radio recently which highlighted the fact that men are generally not trusted around woman and children. I think one example they gave was he was at the beach on his own with families around him and he felt out of place and someone asked him to leave. I was actually relieved to hear this up to this point I felt that it was just me being treated like this.

I guess having the feeling you do not fit in and being an outsider and seeing all the terrible stuff on news about men and thing mentioned above about when I was a kid. Also just the feeling that I was the bad guy which I got from people in general which I is fine as woman and children need to proprect themselves I have no issue with that but I guess in someway it has made at least part of me want to reject society. Sometimes I feel like screaming I am not your bad guy to point the finger at.

I believe this all fed into what the voices call me now(the most evil thing in creation) Some of my nightmares I am the bad guy which is really unsettling. I used to wake up crying. This doesn’t really happen anymore but I still worry it could it is trully unsettling.

I realised I do not really have positive interactions with people in general especially woman.

So I have decided to do something about this. I just don’t want to be a lonely social outsider anymore. I want to have more positive interactions with people in general impartiality woman. Don’t get me wroung I will never be the life of the party but I dont want my interaction with society to be society telling me I am the bad guy here (this can leave me feeling angry and bitter at society) honest I am not so bad sure I can be asshole like everyone else at times but for the most part I can have a positive influence on the world.

I went to meditation class last Sunday  Which for the most part was a positive interaction with woman and men. Going to a yoga class tonight which I hope will have a positive impact on my relationships with people.

So in summary I am not the bad guy. 

Stay safe out there.

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100 like me and my weekly stuff

Was out for a great run this morning and the weather is great. It was nice running (let’s call it shuffling) along the road. Tried to practise little mindfulness by paying attention to my breath my footsteps and a bit of nature. This made the run more enjoyable. My pace is still slow but bit by bit my maff pace is getting better and better for some parts of the run was in the 10 minute mile range which is where I am aiming for it to be. Even managed to jog albeit slowely up the hill I usually have to walk in places to keep heart rate low so feeling chuffed with myself at the moment. Link below to Maff  if anyone interested in it.

Link to Maff training type
Was nominated by  Yourenotaloneinthisworld (great blog by the way worth checking out)to pick a song I like which meant something to me. Only getting around to it now. The song is 100 like me the lyric “there must be 100 like me I am not the only one hiding“. When I heard it and first realised it was about different people and ther mental health I got emotional. I guess it made me feel not alone in my struggles and in hiding my illness. I think I hide it to avoid the stigma but sometimes I wonder is it just not to make people around me uncomfortable. I think the song is great and the video is also worth a look. See link below it’s definitely worth a listen.

Link to YouTube song 100 like me

Noticed the early onset of a bit of an episode yesturday evening but listened to some music and tried to focus on my breath and the episode came to a full stop. Had to try very hard to not let my thoughts go to a dark place my voices where somewhat supportive during this phase, as soon as I pulled out of it they went back to there usual ways. I think the best I can do is spot a negative line of thought and stop it before I get carried away. I guess I need practise at this.

Been practising some shaman meditation to my usual stuff . I am not sure if I should given my minds capacity to get carried away with things. I want to ask someone’s advice about it but no clue who to ask about this. For example when I visualise drawing energy from the ground I literally feel the sensation of it rising in my body. I believe a physiatrist would call this tactile hallucination I don’t know if it’s normal to feel these things for every one when practiseing or just myself. Saw a shaman once when I was going through hell years ago I recall him saying I was a super sensitive given the way I reacted to some things. Not sure what to make of it for now all I intend to practise is the meditation from it and stay grounded and just see where it goes.

My dreams for the most part where fine had one difficult night. They are still very vivid and can wake me up but I am we’ll practised at getting back to sleep.

Not sure if I will go back to therapy. I am not saying I am closing the door to it just that I am seeing how I get on with out it for a while , I may give it a go again but the last time I went. Really had nothing’s to say.

I got my raise in work, they seem happy with me said to keep up the good work.

Was doing some research on mindfulness they mentioned you may become aware of things in your life you where previously unaware off. The one thing that has really stood out for me has been the level of violence in the way people in the house communicate with each other. The language they use is incredible. You would not hear it in a movie with bad language. I also noticed that at times my own inner speech can reflect this as well. Making more of an effort to be more compassionate to myself and how I think of others. It’s taking a bit of effort but I think it’s worth it.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.👌🏽👍🏼😊

Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening? 

Read some links during the week from hearing voices network ireland on facebook. Thought they where very interesting. 

The first link is a guy who examines how indigenous people treat people who hear voices. It basically states that they are not treated with any stigma. That in general they would have a mentor who has been through something similar themselves who guides them through this process and then they possible end up as a type of healer for the community. It suggests they are able to induce a altered state of mind which they can get useful bits of information from.

I would like to point out they basically contribute to there community and also survive with out the use of antipsychotics. I can’t help but wonder if someone from western society who hears voices went to the indigenous healer who also hears voices, would they be willing to teach them how they live with the voices. And would it be similar to the voice dialog that is promoted by the hearing voices networks.

I guess I am just letting my thoughts run away with me but I would be interested in travelling to meet such people to learn what I could from them. Anywho see link below to Ted talk I thought it was very interesting, if you have a look let me know what you think in the comments.

Link to Ted talks
The next link is about a woman Rachel. Who briefly explains her story of her experience’s of mental health services. Very interesting woman well worth a look.

Rachel’s Story

Weeks summary:

I have a recurring dream where I am trying to get down the stairs from my room to the living room in the house I grew up in and I am in a anxious state of mind. I got down the stairs during the week and burst into the living room in an upset state of mind. To find my mother and uncle with a child version of myself just sitting there.

I then thought I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. One of my voices said what do you expect from us all we can do is Viking speak and then said eat shit and die, I laughed at this as I have come to do of most insults. I then realised I was still dreaming. So I went off down the stairs again, along the way I meet my childhood dog and asked him to come with me. I find the sitting room door tied shut . I tear it open and find the grandfather who abused me sitting on a chair watching TV with a fire lighting. He got up and backed away from me with an alarmed look on his face. I grab him and tell him to get the fuck out of my head he replies I don’t know where it is. I try to punch through his head but struggle to do so, so I then proceed to squash him into the fireplace to burn him while my dog looks on , I then woke up . Bit of a heavy dream tried little bit of meditation after it to relax before I got on with my day. My dreams since have been happy enough , my sleep self also seems to excipiet a stronger ability to control things in the dreams which is nice.

I basically gave up the idea of telling work I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I decided it’s just nice to have a place where I am not treated as if I am going to freak out at any second and attack everyone, which is the way it is at home at times which is not nice to live with.Plus telling them this may cost me my job and like every one else I need the money.

Still practising meditation and running away at my slow pace but both practises seem to keep me happy.

Considering changing name of my blog to voicehearer548 as schizophrenia548 does not really feel right anymore.

I also went back to my previous therapist and realised when I was in there I really did not have anything to say. So he flicked through this blog and mentioned the other therapist I had been seeing seemed very judgemental which he would consider to be wrong , especially when it came to my parents.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight👍🏼

Dreams Voices,  Meditation 


Mediatiation & Voices

Practicing meditation away. Seems like an enjoyable process. The autogenics and mantra meditation are much easier than just mindfulness breathing. I find just trying to be aware of my breathing extremely difficult as my mind can be very busy and if it’s quite the voices are not inclined to speak up.

I had an experience during the week which I have not had in over 10 years. While practising mantra meditation (which I have been doing for few weeks) . I do have quite times without voices but anytime I become aware that it is quite in my mind the voices kick in, so it is unusual to get to enjoy just having a quite mind. I was saying my mantra over and over and noticed there where no voices in my mind at the time, which would usually lead to them swearing at me but nothing happened. This continued on for a while and even when I reached out for them. I think I experienced this once while sleeping in the last 10 years or so. It might not sound like a big deal but I sort of felt normal for just a little while. Whatever normal is supposed to be.

The voices still call me bad stuff but I think the 2 main woman who I hear have mellowed a little bit. They would argue that its me who has changed and it is becoming almost impossible to insult me anymore. It’s hard to tell maybe it’s just me who’s changed my reaction time them but I think they have mellowed a bit from what I remember of them in the past. The voice Beatrice says she has not mellowed and to not write this in my ear as I read over it but I wrote it anyway.

WORK

I asked my boss for a raise. He said he was happy with my work and I deserved one and would look into it and let me know Monday. I guess the feeling of not fitting in is something I always get in groups of people, and leaving purely because of this will just keep happening in every job so will stick it out and see what happens.

RUNNING

Training away during the week it seems to be going fine again. My average Maff pace is about 12:00min/mile which is slow running but it is slowely getting faster again and it feels like I am back running again as apposed to just shuffling along. Going up hills is a disaster while trying to keep,heart rate down but all in all it feels good. It’s good to be back running gives the mind something else to focus on.

Deppression

Had an odd realisation during the week. I was sitting there working away and my thoughts started to get negative and I started feeling down for no reason. This can happen to me from time to time. I started to catch each negative thought before it could take route, and say thing like I caught you and laugh to the thought in my head. I believe this was deppression. I was diagnosed with it and depressive episodes I believe are part of schizophrenia. I just never put the two toghter till now. I find it odd I never realised this. I felt down a bit for rest of day but went for a run and more or less got rid of this frame of mind by next morning. It really taints the whole thought process and is difficult to realise it’s happening. Need to be more aware of this going forward.


Dreams

I am just going to jot down what’s going on in my dreams this morning not sure anyone is interested.

I simplified my instructions to my sleep self to just enjoy yourself and have good and peaceful dreams and To seek friends and allies to help me in my dreams.

I found my sleep self going around in my dream saying hello friend how are you to just about everything.

I always wake up in bed in my dream and go looking around the house in the dream . I meet a person purely made up of hands Touching at finger tips with a very compassionate set of eyes. I shook there hand. Then answered the door to a postman giving me mail saying to run 5 miles. When I went for a run later that morning in my waking life I did 5 miles , I guess that sounds mad but it seemed like a good idea.

I then went outside in the dream and kept saying hello to everyone I meet and asking how are you friend. Also something I noticed there are very few men in my dreams mostly just woman. Not sure what to make of it. Everyone then went up along a fence and I saw a pig sleeping in a tree and a brown bull in a very friendly manner approached me like he was a friendly dog. I patted him and said hello. He then died and branches grew out of his stomach. Not sure if everyone has dreams like this or are mine just nutty.

I also had a dream of lying in bed and looking at shadows on the ceilings. Which would then drop of the ceilings on to me. I don’t seem to be afraid of them in my dream. I think they represent repressed sexuality. Not sure what to make of them.

Well I have ranted on long enough hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻🏃🏼

Link to autogenics
Link to Maff running

The film Split and day to day stuff

Just back from walk with dog. It’s rainy and windy here but I don’t mind to much , it’s good to get out of the house and clear the head. Just going to jot down some stuff from the week.

The Film Split:

Was planning to tell people at work I had schizophrenia last week but some one mentioned the film Split and that it was very good. Someone else mentioned that’s the guy thats psychotic. I thought if that’s what they thing psychotic is there is no way in hell I am telling them where I am at. Even if the film is good it certainly is not helping people with mental issues. I can’t help but wonder if they made a film sensationalising someone’s physical illness for example someone in a wheelchair and making them out to be dangerous. Would people still think the film is good. I read a review of someone who has the problem it think is called multiplicity, which is sensationalised in the film. It’s a very interesting read I would definitely recommend it. As it places a human face on the condition. See link below.

Review of film
I can’t help but thing films like this are a blow to people with any mental illness. I have yet to see the film and after reading review above on it I don’t think I ever will.

Symtoms

Voices quite enough, still throw the odd insult at me but discuss the occasional thing. My thought are still spinnng there wheels on telling work about myself being schizophrenic. I believe to practise mindfulness is useful as I am trying to be more aware of my thoughts and try to focus on the current moment more and try not to fixate my thoughts on any one topic. I can also spend a lot of time talking to myself and not paying much attention to what goes on around me I hope practising mindfullness will help to reduce the effect of this.

Violence

I have never been arrested for a violent crime. I am not a violent person but I can get annoyed at things. My mother acts like I am going to freak out and kill her if I act evenly slightly annoyed at anything, which is gas considering she can have brutally bad moods and bite the head off people. If I acted like her I would be sectioned in a day. Its like I have been given this label and I am no lounger allowed to get annoyed which I consider a very human thing to be. I guess she acts like this due to the stigma surrounding my label, it is a bit annoying having your own mother think like this. The link below I’d brief summary of people with mental illness and violence. It states people with a mental illness are more likely to experience violence than be perpetrators of violence. It’s quick read if you have time.

Violence and mental health
Dreams

I had a dream where I was flying during the week in amongst the other crazy stuff. I felt free and very happy. It’s hard to describe I just felt very happy. I looked up the meaning of flying dreams , one mentioned a person who is happy or comfortable about something in waking life. Last night I had a dream about some sort of struggle in life and trying to explain to a child who was expressing the idea “what about the life were supposed to have”, I said in return that expectation can lead to disappointment it is better to accept the life you have and make the most of it. I might of read that Idea somewhere but I like the idea of it. The child looked very disappointed at this. I woke up at this stage.

Health

One of the alarming statics about people with schizophrenia in Ireland is that life expentancy is 15 years shorter. I think that means I done at about 55 that’s about 14 to 15 years left.  I think I would like to buck the trend and live healthy lifestyle with some walking and running. Sorry if a bit morbid but I try to see problems down the road and deal with them now. If you try and eat healthy there is a mass of information contradicting each other. I found the following link interesting it goes into facts of the effect of fats fruit vegetables and salt on heart disease. Worth a look I you have time. Not sure if video still works but information printed on page.

Health

I tried to find a positive pictures of schizophrenia and could not do so. The image above is from badideatshirts.com

Well I have ranted on long enough

Hope the week to come is a good one and if not you find the strength to get through.

Keep up the good fight👍🏼