Mr Pete the Voice

Below is a sort of presentation from my Voice Mr. Pete of what a critical voice is under his understanding. I will not go into how it was communicated other than it was communicated.

It was intelligently done at the time, and I cannot do it justice, but I will try. It involves some of my experiences mixed in it is sort of me at the start and blends to him and to me again.

I once watched a video by Elanor Longden, in it I thought she said I am compassionate to my voices, and she says I get along with my voices and all is good. So, I thought to myself I will be compassionate to my voices, and all will be well. See link below to her Ted Talk.

So, I tried for a while, and they basically told me “Fuck off”. I felt disheartened and rejected by my voices, this hurt. So, I went back and watched the video again. Showing the voices compassion and building a relationship would take time and practise. From that day I worked hard and would use humour and various things to try build a relationship with the voices.

So, I would try find meaning to my voices. I came up with various things over the years one of them Mr Pete explains.

The voices are in pain they can be repressed or dissociated emotions, so they use the language of pain.

Let me try and explain what I mean by this. You are sitting down minding your own business having a cuppa and someone wonders by, and smiles says hello in a friendly manner. This places you in a good mood. The next person walks by asks how you are. You say I am good thanks this is not the language of pain.

Now imagine this narrative again. You are sitting down minding your own business with a cuppa someone walks by smiles and smashes a mallet into your knee. You spill your tea you are more than a little upset. The next person walks by and calmly asks you how you are. You reply in very colorful expletives possibly flipping the bird with very angry eyes.

This could be considered the language of pain.

Now remember the pain from the critical voice is mental trauma from being violated from rape, violence, and many of the unacceptable behaviours perpetrated by members of society. Some may not seem trauma based and may not be but in general critical voices have some bases in trauma of some kind.

Now if you imagine the critical voice has been limping around for years crying for help the person hearing the voice can end up at logger heads with it, the rest of the family can be telling it to fuck off and also trying to quiet the voice with various medication (nothing wrong with meds they just don’t work for everyone).

Thanks To above from Mr. Pete I hope I did the idea justice (I feel the rest of my voices had some input in this, they are currently making farting noises to object to me writing this.)

For example, I don’t feel lonely anymore, which as a human being does not make sense to me. I spend a huge amount of time alone it just suits me. I would happily sit down listen to music (which is a blessing) and forget the world exists after my weeks work. But some of my voices would like company and are lonely and express this in the language of pain. Which like the person holding his knee from the mallet blow can be colorful.

On a side note, the person receiving the mallet blow from someone smiling would be a bit dubious of people approaching smiling as learned from past experience. (Psychiatry can diagnose responses to this which to me seems a bit mad)

I simple understanding the person is nervous about smiling people approaching them and just needs a bit of help and discussion around this would be much more useful than medicating them.

Hope above makes sense just trying to understand the world which from my perspective is completely mad and we agree cultural narratives and community narratives some of which can be useful, but some are extremely harmful to us and those around us.

Let’s change the narrative

let’s look outside our personal narrative

to understand other narratives and the

cultural narrative with curiosity and empathy

and see the effect we are having on each other.

May we learn to good people

who let good people be

and help when we can.

Love & Light Keep up the Good Fight


Give your self a Pat on the back.

Once upon a time I ran many races from 5k, 10 miles to 15 miles to my crowning achievement the marathon. I slogged around 3 of them. As a rule of thumb, I my enjoyment would generally rest on a fast time or racing some person I knew nothing about panting and wheezing my way along struggling to maintain a pace I probably should not be maintaining. Below is from my first half marathon I went out way to fast nearly passed out chasing some time or other, I nearly cried at the end seeing the finish line such was my relief for making it around I did not think I was going to make it.

I would go out on 18 to 20 mile runs first thing in the morning with no breakfast looking for the right time and pace and cadence and heart rate. I would run 4 hours and not be happy because my heart rate and pace where off by something or other. I would be a bit cranky because of this. I ran 50 plus mile weeks. Rarely happy but always trying to improve on this and that by my watch which fed me all sorts if weird information.

All the running and I missed something. Just be happy with where I was while trying to improve. I hit a tough patch when I crashed my motorcycle and broke my shoulder my health did not really recover and then went through a tough time with mental health kept indoors a lot like a lot of people with Covid around. The result is I could barely run around the house for 5 minutes. Ouch!!

The sister sends on an app from couch to 5k in 9 weeks. I am on week 6 and finding it tough but enjoyable. The time passes whether we try something or not, so I am up and running again at the young age of 45 to get fit and healthy. I appreciate where I am. It takes an effort to get the runners on (over the belly it does honest). And to get out and move for a half an hour or so.

I am looking forward to running for full half an hour and I am happy where I am at because I cannot get to running half an hour until I do what I can now. I take a moment at the end of each session to give thanks for the effort I am making now. I would have not done this while running 20 plus miles. I kind of feel sorry for where my mind was at, at the time. Just chill enjoy the run and the effort my body and person were making. I feel I could not see that at the time and as a person I need to step back and just pat myself on the back for where I am now and enjoy the journey a bit more.

I find it odd I needed to get to a place where I am not doing well physically to start appreciating where I am a bit more not just saying but feeling it. It is like in a very goal orientated society I sort of feel I have reached my goal by just accepting myself for where I am at and just working away at thinks and try enjoying them.

In kind of feel this applies to all parts of my life not just running. So, try it today pat yourself on the back just purely for where you are and feel that for a few seconds.

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight.


What is Ugly?

How we now, this is not meant to give offense just a bit I felt like writing on an idea bouncing around my head. I try channel from spirit in my writing so any questions to you in it are for me as well.

Cultural beauty to me is based on what that culture views as beautiful. It seems to vary per culture and time in history and is not really based on a usable measure. As this seems to vary per culture and time and in essence is all over the place and an unreliable measuring stick at its absolute best.

The link to site below gives my idea some merit, see some extracts below.

“The quest for perfect looks has been as old as time itself. However, culture plays a huge role in our ideas of beauty. For instance, “youthfulness” is the beauty goal in America, while naturally flawless skin is the beauty ideal in Europe. Fairness is coveted in most Asian countries. A voluptuous figure, long bouncy hair and tanned skin is considered beautiful in Brazil. Having a slender figure is considered an important beauty criteria is most parts of the world. However, in Africa, a filled-out larger figure is considered beautiful.”

“Every era in history has held its own standards of what is and is not accepted as beautiful. In the early nineteenth century, European explorers expressed horror and disbelief at the tattoos, piercings, and feather decorations of the natives. They considered it savage and barbaric. However, they considered their own top hats, powder wigs and corsets as high fashion!”

“In China, upper class girls would get their feet tightly and painfully bound, folding the bones, breaking them, crippling them and permanently stunting their growth to a mere 3 or 4 inches, which were considered beautiful and elegant.”

That last one sounds very painful. I would not indorse in any way. There are those who see the way cultural beauty is used and set up as a system of control for woman by men. See extract and link to article below.

“Beauty is a currency system like the gold standard. Like any economy, it is determined by politics, and in the modern age in the West it is the last, best belief system that keeps male dominance intact.”

Ouch for what its worth as a male not trying to keep the male dominance thing alive.

So that leaves me with what do I believe beauty and ugly really mean to me. I feel judgment for example calling a person a name whatever it is as they do not fit some idea you have as their cultural normal, or they make you uncomfortable about something which has nothing to do with them and is merely a reflection of them and how they see the world.

To insult or judge people this to me breathes inner ugliness if the person engages with this a lot, it will become their norm which they show or act out in the world which is simply a refection of their own inner world.

Of course, there are certain acts of abuse etc. that are ugly and evil these would not be debated in anyway, but you would wonder if above in the end just falls into the same category at some level. You really do not know the long term affects on a person from an off the cuff insult/judgement or playful insult/judgement it may seem nothing to you, but it genuinely could cut that person deeply for some time.

Also, certain evil acts on a person can leave them with a lot of pain which can turn to anger it does not make them ugly just they may need to do a bit or a lot of healing, but they may be perceived well by others, but it is hard for me to view them purely by the pain that lashes out just they may need to sort a few bits out but I need to respect my own boundaries as well.

I heard a quote from a woman from a book long time ago. I can’t remember where it was roughly “Your first reaction to someone is your cultural response how you chose to respond from there out is your response, that is the real you.” So do not worry about your first response in your mind pay attention to how you respond from there out.

I think most people have been called a word or been judged for this or that which can hurt until you realize this is simply a reflection of those doing the judgment or insulting. Which is an ugly act on another human being which can built an ugly internal world in that person and no reflection of you whatsoever. You should try not to take this on board (If you can figure this out let me how)

You would have to wonder also had the person who is insulting has been insulted with something themselves in the past or you have triggered something in them which lashed out at you. This does not excuse their act which essentially has nothing to do with you but them.

Conversely the ability to see the good in others and be aware of their actions may simply reflect their inner pain or cultural understanding or what they find acceptable as opposed to their true inner voice. The ability to see this in others and yourself while respecting your own boundaries reflects inner beauty or enlightenment point of view or at least to set the strong intent to try do so. Forgive yourself if you fail at this and try again.

I would think to accept cultural meaning of beauty or someone’s ugly act on your person. Would only lead to self-hate and judgement and disempowerment. This is not the goal of life in my opinion, if you are not feeling it try to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you. Not through the eyes of those who express themselves in an ugly way which simply sets them on the path to be ugly people or through the eyes of people who do not see your true self-worth or may be lashing out from a place of past pain which has nothing to do with you…

Self-love is vital to seeing the good in others and to hold space for them and whatever their experiences are and to feel good about yourself and accept yourself warts and all.

Love and Light and Keep up the Good Fight














Self Care Cards

Hi, hope you are well. My self care cards are printed. I am delighted slight mix up on bags for same but should be sorted next week. Really looking forward to getting them online. I have placed a lot of love into my cards really looking forward to it.

Someone showed me a patron page where you make a few quid for your content see link below if your interested, does not cost much plus you get the Self Care Cards with some options if you cover postage outside of Ireland. There is other content as well, have a new Story relative to my mental health and meeting a bloke that looked like King Kong one night acting in a fairly violent manner.

Love and Light Keep up the good Fight.

Music V’s Darkness

Morning woke up to some weird ass stuff just felt like sharing. All good here have the day off so just chilling, getting energy healing from someone at 11am so just relaxing. Just trying to express what I can experience before I have had my coffee. Some of this can be dark so might be best if you did not read if you are not it right mind.

I wake at 5am on the button, my gentiles are stimulated I am being shown intrusive stuff of a nasty nature a voice says something dark I am do to. I just look at it and say that’s fucking disgusting and fuck off. It goes quite, I enjoy the quite it happens from time to time. I decide to lye on my back on plastic matt of spikes I have and half fall asleep. Wake a little time later relaxed remove the plastic spikes and chill.

It feels like there are a few large knitting needles jammed into my gums it is quite painful. (tactile sensations) . The voices start in it is pure hate. They start up their circus of hate. They say they are real when it suits them and they are not when it does not. They start showing me stuff and trying to build an argument I am the most evil person in creation(I like to disagree). I try my I forgive all and myself and let go. It is so not working. You can feel things from voices as well, this morning it is pure anger and hate. They are laughing and saying we have ruined your life everyone hates you. Your done would you just do us a favor and fucking kill yourself. I note their at least some still working with me on zoom etc. even if some are not.

I am stuck I can feel the slide into darkness, I got nothing I am beat, I am done.

I remember this dude from the voice hearing group he’s got his headphones on and he is vibing like nothing in the world matters but that music. So I grab the phone and headphones (the Guru I call Hanuman flashes before my eyes smiling) and I start blasting the tunes. I tell myself to embrace love in my heart for all even does who have hurt me and done me wrong and to include myself in this. The voices switch from just in my head perception to sounding real right there in the room with me. They have nothing but hate just pure hate and anger. I tell myself the voices I hear are the people who have abused and violated my person and to let go and to forgive. They seem utterly obsessed with winning at what I don’t know, I assume it is me dead.

The music is blasting I think despite all the darkness in my life and voices and the nastier ones and all that goes with them. They literally cannot hold up to one song. The hate fades despite their effort, I listen to tunes and I chill. One song and the wave of darkness that was threatening to wash me away. Is simply washed away and shown for the powerless thing that it is . I say things like I thing in love I act in love etc. my vibe is good and I feel well in the space of a few songs. They are their now laughing and taunting but I am awake up and running and out of bed and about to have my coffee. My vibe is good my energy is high while I decide what to do for the day.

Have a Great Day

Love and Light and Keep up the Good fight.

Working with your mind/voices

Hey hope your well. Nice day here now, well still a bit cloudy. Very heavy rain earlier couple of places around the country are without electricity. We are lucky here, thank God.

Just like to note some stuff about my mind and voices and tactile sensations and what I have adopted as my norm. Also, my current way of dealing with them.

My voices are incredibly angry now and have been for the last while. They will pick anything from memory make it look as hideous as possible. Cut out the bits they do not like and build a heck of an energy around that. It does not need to be true but that has never stopped them. It came to mind I was doing a lot of chord cutting meditations, see link to one meditation to You Tube below. If you want to try.

It struck me some voices not all, some I get along with brilliantly. However, some attach themselves like chords to any shame or guilt in my person, and I mean anything. I thought of similarity to cords to cut in meditation, they could be considered like voices which need to be cut which have attached themselves to stuff in my person.

One minute I am chilling and the next I got images of stuff from 30 years ago pop into my head and a voice demanding I explain it. It can be a shock but after a while it can become the norm. I have been through this before, they just keep going and going until I basically break. I do not feel like breaking this time sort of curious what happens if I do not. This would be under constant threat of Guards (police) calling or gang to beat me up or I need to go fess up to what happened, not sure if Guards would laugh me out of the station or stick me in a mental institution not one of my favorite places in the world. After 14 years what can I say nobody showed. They also show me stuff about other people as well of an unpleasant nature. See link below just in case you think you are too Saintly. I also like to think people are inherently good even if personally have had a few show me a very dark side to themselves.

I am sort of believing none of us or at least very few of us are what we think we are. Underneath the bonnet we are something completely different. I guess we all have a few things we are not proud, now imagine a voice in your head showing you these for months on end. Even going to the extent of changing them and making them look very seedy indeed and making stuff up. They were even changing supposed memories right in front of my mind’s eye and still expected me to do something about it. It builds an energy in your head that can be nearly impossible to live with. The thing is I am so used to this, it literally does not bother me anymore. I now simply dismiss it, it does not matter who is wrong or right. Holy God my voices love to argue about nothing. I forgive myself and anyone else involved. I let go of any fear or guilt or shame etc. Hearing voices all my life this incarnation of them has been cropping up over 14 years. I am over it. This does not seem to stop them, but I feel quite happy about myself and try to forgive them while they literally feel like a tornado blasting my head.

Also, lately they it feels like they are forcing thoughts through my mind. This can take a while to get used to. After a while it is like the thoughts in your mind or just voices and you can nearly sit back and just watch them. It can be weird effect. Meditation can help but does not stop the thoughts/voices. If you can imagine you are sitting there a thought process pops into my mind, I let it go it repeats and repeats. Literally every couple of seconds more or less all day. It is like a stream of thoughts/voices that you can get caught in very badly and just get dragged along if you are not incredibly careful.

Mediation can help calm the mind or a task focused on or listening to music. Again, I am sort of used to this my mind can go blab la blab la about all sorts and I just stop see if anything interesting in it have quick think about it and let it go if I can do nothing about it. The Voices try to make a big deal of any thought process in the middle of this mess that is less than saintly and go off on one. I just let it go quickly as it is waste of time. Can get interesting stuff from it do including picture below and some posts on this site. I would not have done if they were not there.

While writing this they are shouting away and making noises of fingers snapping in my ears. They go quite when the music stops to go onto next song it is a very strange effect. It is odd when they go from voices in your head to literally a real voice in a blink of an eye in your ear. This is hard to explain just some are obviously voices in your head the consistency of the voices is different to peoples voices. It is really weird when they change to the same. You can also feel things poke at your body in an unpleasant way and bouncing off your boundaries and make sounds like they are getting off to you. Somewhat unpleasant to say the least. This can be unpleasant when it affects parts of your body physically. These are called tactile sensations by some and something else by others might go into that some other time.

Also, I have been fascinated for years how voices/thoughts absolutely focus on a story (psychosis to some). This story is everything it is all important but the second anything gets it the way of this story and the whole thing changes in front of your eyes. They just flow like into this new story is now the be all and end all story and the last one is dropped in a heartbeat. It is like a river flowing and we must stick to this mainstream the second it hits an obstacle and changes stream the last one is forgotten in a heartbeat. You cannot see it as you are in the stream. I have been learning for years to step out of this stream and chill as it just takes up too much time energy.

I would imagine that would sound mad or I do not know what that sounds to others. This is my norm; I feel my life is blessed. I am happy to be alive. I have a job. Finally got a deck of self-care cards going into production Monday. I love them they should make a few quid and hopefully put a smile on someone’s face and help them and others to think about their mental health. Did group Reiki healing today and loved it. I could do that stuff all day, just need to find someone to pay me to do so.

Had a great group meeting with the hearing voices groups last Saturday where I get to talk to people with similar experiences. It was a great talk went slightly over time and the two plus hours flew by. I really would recommend. For people with Voices or extreme experiences. Felt weird typing that I do not consider my experience an extreme experience just my normal life.

I would consider my spiritual growth is good. I am currently trying to figure out the concept that most enlightened beings basically started like you or me and we are basically enlightened beings we just need to do the practice. I am not sure what that means right now other than I embrace self-love and forgiveness for myself and try to figure out how to extend this to others. Try to judge like way less, can be tricky concept with thoughts/voices on board. My Spirits are good 😊.

Given I hear voices I sometimes adapt meditation to where I am at. For example, a smiling meditation (I think it is a thing, I have never looked it up) compassion meditation is awfully close. So, you just sit there, and you smile but you try feel that compassion for yourself. You do not just smile you feel it. I then try focus on smiling on my heart. It is like placing a smile in your heart. If a thought pops into your head, you smile a little more and feel compassion for yourself for having a thought you cannot stop from coming up. Whatever happens you just smile at it. Do not worry at thoughts coming up just smile and focus on that and the feeling of that. This amazingly simple technique has helped me heal and accept a lot of stuff. You can invite in Spirit or energy or whatever you believe in to help if that is your belief. Obviously if your smile gets too big just start again you are not meant to hurt your face. If there are to many thoughts just sit with a slight smile on your face but feel that love for yourself no matter what pops into your head.

Well, that is it for me off to small meditation and get away from PC for a while. I also need to tidy up. Have a great day.

Love and light keep up the good fight.

Did below phrase in my last circle, really liked it so placed an image behind it. Will stick on Facebook page during the week, see link below.

Our Differences Make the Difference

Shower thoughts #2

(Below is just my opinion it is never meant to give offence. I am sorry if you choose to take offense)

How we now. Was thinking of Superbowl and how two teams come together for the big game. I was also thinking about Ideologies/Science/Religion and Spirituality etc.  These two sports teams train in different ways and play in different ways, usually anyway given my limited sports knowledge. Ideologies/Science/Religion and Spirituality also they have completely different practices.

These Sports teams on the day can turn up play a brilliant game feeling they put it all out there. The fans on both sides can look on and genuinely enjoy the effort and sportsmanship and display. Screaming their hearts out for their team. The fans knowing, they watched a great game with great sportsmanship watching their team give it their all. Even then the fans of the losing team smiling at the end might say “Great game we will get you f**kers next year.” Shaking the hands of opposing fans with a smile and tongue in cheek.

Ideologies/Science/Religion and Spirituality etc. These people can literally have passionate debates about stuff in a nonaggressive way. They may not agree on anything, but I still like to think there is a common ground.

Almost all want to improve humankind for its better (I hope). Their practices like the teams might be radically different. The aim should at least be the same. It is hard for me to imagine one of these not agreeing to say compassion and love for each other and living in peace for all of us.

I am not sure why they would argue about their practices with anger and single mindedness in their mind given their end goal which to me is the same. The common ground is a better world for all.

In my mind Ideologies/Science/Religion and Spirituality that are not looking for a better world for all and argue about their practice and world view and have people looking on that buy into the same vibe creating division when at some level it should be doing the opposite. To me, it is like the sports teams showing up on the day playing with poor sportsmanship and the fans looking on replicating same and fighting and rioting in the stands.

I also realize the safety in your tribe mentality was useful in our past, but the world is bigger there are more of us. Doing all sorts of things if we do not let things go and just agree to get along or something resembling it nothing is changing. We just keep chugging along as we are right now. There is love in the world, and we get things right, but I like to think we got more in us.

The common ground is love and peace and a better world for all and that means all, I really hope to meet someone there.

Have a great day.

Love and Light Keep up the good Fight.

Below is link to self-care cards I am trying to get up and running any help appreciated.

What’s the Story

So just a little question what is Enlightenment/Grace/Divinity/. These are questions and mere opinions of one who fully acknowledges he knows nothing and is learning. See past post. The Man Who Knows Nothing

I could quote many fancy stuff from the internet and make lovely arguments about this that and the other in big fancy words but I don’t want to. I am just going to say what they mean to me briefly. I have a high energy now and just need to plough it into something. I guess this is it.

Enlightenment to me is acceptance/understanding of life and those around you with compassion and love but not to make you a doormat/controlled by anybody or anything or ideology or any system of control. The ability to listen, think, accept and act in love and compassion and peace. What is love and compassion. I don’t know, it makes your heart smile when you feel it. To smile at someone with compassion even with tears in your own eyes and your own heart hurts. To learn to take care of yourself even when your first instinct is to give or to give when your first instinct is to hold on. To let go of what just does not serve the good in you and others even when they slap your face. It is parents of a family who sacrifice for their kids who are our future. It is what we feel for our partners when they are not driving us mad. Love is many things to many people.

I guess compassion and acceptance and the fight for what you believe in and who you believe in. Yet the ability to be at peace with yourself and others in a world that is not quite at peace with itself and the ability to deal with that with a peaceful and loving heart when what is being slapped in your face. But these are just ideas not enlightenment much harder to do. I am sure they are much nicer ways of saying this and it has been done fancier many times I just want to write what it means to me now in this moment not to quote those who are enlightened ,who would probably make it sound much better and wiser. Have a think what does it mean to you. Without quoting anyone teachings or ideas as much as possible and no fancy words make it real simple.

Grace/Divinity, To me these are sort of the same thing given my belief system which I draw from just about anywhere and what I have channeled and understand myself. Doing my best not to quote anyone’s ideas grace to me is sort of love and compassion and a link to God/Goddess and enlightened beings. It is the spiritual enlightened beings who through them we feel the Grace of the Divine there love their understanding of us utterly. It is a love that see’s every part of us all the light all the dark and loves us as fiercely regardless with every fiber of its being. I believe there are consequences for everything but the love they feel through all of it never diminishes no matter what we do. The brief sense of connection to the Divine I have felt in the dark times and in good times. The brief occasions I asked it shone on others and I thank it a million fold. It is the guidance they give us even if we cannot see it.

The ever guiding light home. Where we belong.

Thanks for reading just felt a build up of energy to do something I guess this is it. Well the energy is gone so all good my side. It is not meant to offend and I wish you well.

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight

What do these things me to you, go have a think try not to quote anyone or use big fancy words see what you got.

Below is a link to gofundme for self care cards I am trying to get off the ground any help appreciated, Much Gratitude and thanks.

Recovery Lessons

How we now, hope your well. Lovely day here in Cork. See pictures below. Just finished my days work on PC it is good to have my facilities in better shape if not 100%, I am definitely better at work. I have been asking myself about working and being unwell and the general response as I see it from what I see as main stream society.

Lady Luna continues to still evade my attempts to catch her glory and prompts me to do better to see her wares.

Again nothing below is meant to give offense in anyway please do not take offense as this is just my personal experiences.

I have my struggles like everyone but was extremely unwell last year a similar experience I had 14 years ago. My voices went completely into Nuke me the fuck out of here mode. My version of reality became very skewed. The intrusive thoughts/images/sensations etc. and paranoia on a scale of 1-10 was about 50 million.

My recovery is ongoing their are good and bad days but much better than where I was. So I was thinking which is dangerous as they say. When I started to get unwell I was designing cards and working a full week at Steel detailing in front of a PC. I rang my Boss saying well I was not doing well and the idea of working 4 days a week. Possibly stepping back completely. After a brief discussion we decided I was going to work on as always. I let the others in the house know and few people around me. I realize after my outer appearance looked fine bit spaced out but I am like a ninja at hiding that. I can literally smile and answer people without having a single clue what is going on or even what I am talking about. I had been like this for months, It felt like this the whole time while simultaneously feeling spiritually high at the same time. But hey I was working I knew everything after years of this it really was nothing new. I believed this toughened me I could take it.

I had cut myself off as I was having intrusive stuff of an unpleasant nature come through and thought people could read my mind. Which trust me you do not want to share this stuff. I worked through it but during this time could of made a mistake in work which could lead me to getting my ass fired in a job. I am actually back in form enough to do now. I would imagine being canned would be a stressful experience which would not be useful for anyone’s mental health.

At the time of course there was bills to pay and I listened to other people encouraging to stay working. I can’t help but wonder if I just stepped back for two weeks and just took sick pay would that have completely changed the situation. Would I be in a better place now and not have had the experience I had possibly lining me up now to getting fired when I can work away. Also if I had a physical aliment would the Boss and folk around even considered me in working shape. Don’t get me wrong I need the work but I do rely on others opinions if bit unwell.

I remember my thinking at the time and still is. If I step back the GP would be called as before and if I could not convince him I could handle it (especially given my past). I thought I would lose my liberties be committed and given more medication at a level that is not good for anyone. I still believe this today to some extent but I am in the driving seat more now as have a good relationship with my psychiatrist and I am talking to people albeit on zoom but everyone in the same boat.

I think the same issues that came up 14 years ago are just coming up again for me to deal with which I am getting help with. That said it is 14 years later and around half of that was not working just sitting around not doing much. They even placed me on invalidity pension so as far as the state was concerned this one is written off. Not knocking anyone on it but I was in my 30is and I had the capacity to work. Also on the payment I was on I could not really qualify for training in IT which was the line I was hoping to go into at the time. I did find training with a place called the National Learning Network in Ireland and would have landed a job but for the payment I was on in IT. Which was disappointing given the amount of effort I put in at the time.

I can’t help but think if I had met someone with experience like I have now It would have made a big difference. Or the people and groups that support me now would have made a 1000% difference but these take time to build up. I am not sure where I am going with this and I know everyone is doing there best especially 14 years ago when I crashed. That said I did not meet a single person who hears voices through the whole experience until about 6 years in which I believe this would have helped a lot. It would have placed me in a better place much faster would a saved the state loads and I would have been a happy tax payer again. Also a much happier person much sooner with issues from the past at least discussed and had me in a better place.

I would not have felt like a complete freak with experiences. I did not understand and did not know others even had. I recall my experience at one mental institution where a young lady at dinner said “So where are all the mad people , you know the ones who hear voices” everyone shushed her and pointed their heads towards me. I was not in a good place at the time and just lowered my head. To which she said “but I cant believe it he is so quite” this got more shushes. Me with a big red embarrassed face. If this happened now I would just laugh at the young one and poked a bit fun at her.

This is among the reasons I always recommended the Hearing Voices Movement . I think there is a support network in just about every area now with people who experience what ever it is. It is really necessary for voice hearers as I think the first voice hearer I heard talk openly about it was Eleanor Longden. Which lead me onto speaking with a few others like Peter Bullimore nice guy who works hard to help people like myself. They really gave me the mentality I can do this.

I continue to have spiritual experiences but I am in a much more grounded place now. On Blue Monday I threw on Krishna Das and imagined sending out happy vibes with spiritual help no clue if it helped but cheered me right up. Saw enlightened beings during my little meditation was delighted with myself just seeing them brightens the mood and emotions. I thank them from the bottom of my heart which they lighten a lot. Did some mediumship at circle last week I did well with a little help, actually I did really well considering this was one of the things I would always avoid trying. As standing in front of group does not suit me. Zoom is not so bad. I have Sita Ram Sita Ram blasting in the headphones helps my type faster but murder on my spellings. I think I will just chill and listen to tunes till I go to bed. Maybe talk to folk a little. Also I need to place a plan in place for me to step back from work and life if in a bit of bother again (I think I was advised this by a voice hearer once, I think I will take the advice now.)

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight my Friends

Below is a link to my gofundme Self care cards any help appreciated to get project off the ground