So following from Part 1 post. I have mentioned my struggles with mental health over the years on this site. So I am going to give a quick summary now again bare in mind some of this is going to sound completely and utterly mad but this is the life I have lived and just need to get this stuff out of my head so it stops bothering me. I have some confusion in my mind so will simply use the short V/P to refer to voices and what I perceive as people. There is truth to this but again take everything with a grain of salt it sounds totally bonkers to me but it is good to write it out.

So over the years I have come to the conclusion my person is way to sensitive to people and energies causing me and others all sorts of issues. I don’t even know where to start with these will do a separate post. I think it sort of qualifies as some sort of empath but I think but it gets like way weirder than that but I need to factor in my mental health. So bare with me as I just summarize about 14 years of my life.

I bought a house in a lovely town in Cork. I initially intended to retire here but I have wanted to move out more or less since the day I moved in, ( I have been in negative equity a while and was out of work for years also with psychiatry more or less leaving me with my liberties hanging by a tread if I do anything to weird to those around me. It has not been fun. it’s not all bad either I have met brilliant people here) In a nutshell it got weird as in Alice not only have we gone down the rabbit hole , I think we found a whole other side of crazy.

So I have been living like two life’s more or less maybe more than two not sure. In one I appear to have a mental breakdown more or less when I moved in ( I had trouble before but this is off the wall ). I believed some V/P around me where doing all sorts of bad things to my person and being, affecting my sleep and mental well being etc. I will not go into to much detail but you would not wish it on your worst enemy. This has more or less continued nice and quite since for about 14 years. Those around me seem utterly oblivious to it. It is like they are in a different world to me. There was a few suicide attempts and was committed a few times.

See below from extract from site https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intrusive-thoughts#:~:text=Intrusive%20thoughts%20are%20thoughts%20that,may%20be%20violent%20or%20disturbing. this is a rather unpleasant experience to say the least.

Intrusive thoughts may be violent or disturbing. They may be thoughts of a sexual nature, including fantasies. They can also be about behaviors you find unacceptable and abhorrent. These thoughts, however, are just thoughts. They seemingly appear out of nowhere and cause anxiety, but they have no meaning in your life. They’re not warning messages or red flags. They’re simply thoughts.

Also see below from https://positivepsychology.com/intrusive-thoughts/#:~:text=A%20false%20memory%20is%20when,%E2%80%9D%20(Preston%2C%202016).

A false memory is when “the sufferer gets an intrusive thought that they’ve done something in the past and the sufferer cannot differentiate whether the thought is a memory or an intrusive thought” (Preston, 2016).

Dave Preston, an author and blogger who struggles with his own OCD diagnosis, writes that these distressing, false memories can come at any time; it might be a few hours after the event supposedly happened, or years after. Regardless of the time frame, the common factor in these false memories is often a “sudden, striking thought that something bad happened at a specified time and place” (Preston, 2016).

The memories may be vague or hazy at first, but as the individual grapples with it more, he or she will likely find that things start to sharpen and details begin to appear in their memory; of course, these details are false, but they don’t seem false to the person remembering them.

So these process above caught hold of me 14 years ago. There is usally something build into the memory that would imply it is false but it naturally comes with guilt, worry and thinking about way to much. I have many of these some no bother some are utter hell, Some are quite fun and I wish they where real but Unfortunately they are not. The hellish aspect of these (now this is where it gets a bit weird ) Seems to be picked up be some interfering folk around the place or actually created them not sure which they did while I was asleep to inflict an absolute living hell on my person and intrusive thoughts turned into a constant flow of horror inflicted on my being. I have no idea how this is done but I personally have experienced focusing on people and affecting them into doing stuff they did not want to do while they where fully aware of it happening to them (freaked them right out with a giggle of course) unfortunately for me this works both ways. No idea how or why but stronger and weaker might depend on how grounded you and they are. I might have something to do with aspects of trance states of mind as well. I have no idea.

I would usually fall asleep at night wake to freaky stuff and have new weird stuff I would need to deal with during that day. There have also been times I would be completely knocked out and no idea what was going on. I also have perceived people focus on my being doing all sorts of stuff no idea how any of it works also I am bit mad but there is some truth to this as best as I can tell.

Naturally a constant flow of this stuff would break anyone and it did. I was out of work (recession here at the time) I was in and out of mental hospitals I gained weight with these people working away in the background with everyone utterly oblivious to it. I hear from time to time they are trying to help , does not make much sense given the utter hell they opened up in my being 14 years ago. Their also appears to be event around the same time that involved the Divine can’t remember much about it but I think it was impressive stuff again this would have been a spiritual awakening I was not ready for and was to powerful for me to deal with on my own. I believe it involved a Church at the time. It was 14 years ago in my mind I was being stalked day and night by V/P. It was really weird.

It took about 6-8 years to recover from this breakdown(attack on my person). It took a lot of effort but I got there I ran 3 marathons and have been back working as a Steel Detailer for about 6 years or so.

Continued in Part—3

Mind Over Marathon and my meds

Had the 2 episodes of mind over marathon on BBC recorded watched them yesturday. I won’t lie it brought a tear to my eye. After watching it I felt inspired to start training for another marathon. I particularly liked were it portrayed the idea that people with a mental illness are part of society not outside of it. One person also touched on the idea that the label mental illness is bad because it has the term mental in it. Which seems to describe something else in society not someone who is like every one else just can sometime have trouble getting by. It got me thinking mental illness can be changed to someone having a social disturbance! By which I mean they are acting in a way the society there are in would define as unacceptable. Or there having difficulty just trying to cope in the society they are in with the life experiences they have had. Not sure if that makes sense but it does to me 😉. It definitely worth a watch if you can find it. 

Was listening to  Pretty sane (great blog by the way you should check it out) on the radio this morning and it was very interesting. It got me thinking about my medication as best as I can tell antipsychotic meds are supposed to get rid of Phychosis and voices but my meds are not doing any of this. So I guess I am going to question my GP on this. I would suggest either different meds or coming off them altogether. I am currently on a reduced dosage than I used to be and I am managing fine despite being told by everyone around me I would basically end up back in hospital. In the last while or so I have learned that stress is a massive factor in my symptoms. Like when I took on to much extra work and not giving myself a break on weekends my visual hallucinations kicked in , I can only describe them as seeing white light flowing like you would see a fire except its white light.  I cut out the extra work completely and the visual hallucinations seemed to cut out. I see visual hallucinations as a early warning signal from my brain I am under to much stress and need time for myself. I get a range of other symptoms which I gradually learned are just the internal workings of my brain from trauma in my past. The GP can sometimes just fob me off when it comes to meds probably because of my history of none compliance in my past which I understand but I not in the same position I was 10 years ago, I would imagine few would be, anyway I intend to question GP get his opinion.

I also saw some information on hearing voices that basically the society you are in shapes the voices you hear either there violent or playful. The link here is one study on the topic it’s worth a read if you have time, it says it may have implications for how schizophrenia is treated. News report voices shaped by local culture.

I usually struggle to sleep but I get by, unfortunately my father woke me during the week and kept waking me during the night with noise. I was knackered by Thursday and decided to skip my run that night. I also started to monitor my resting heart rate in the morning and my garmin watch has a stress score I think linked to HRV. It was going fine until Friday morning it dropped by a load and the next day it was maxed. My heart rate stress went from about 12 out of 100 to 96 out of 100. The only things I could thing of affecting it was general tiredness possible the effects of my risperdol injection and having my bloods done day or two before. It’s hard to tell. I usually am slower at running after my injection but I have never monitored my heart rate through this before. So if it is my injection that affects my running I am going to have to adapt my running plans around it. I intend to monitor and adapt my running accordingly. It might be best to take a day or two off not sure but heart rate score was 56 out of 100 today so it seems to be recovering.

 I came across a game in which the main character has a mental illness. The makers where in touch with people who hear voices like Rai Waddingham to get the effect of the mental illness as real as possible. Link to YouTube promo here worth a look if your into games YouTube link.

Well I have ranted on long enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.🏃🏼👍🏼