The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fightβœŠπŸΎπŸ˜€

Β  Autogenics or Madness

Back from my morning run it went well. Lovely morning for run, My Maff pace is gradually picking up as I go. Eventually hope to be back running at same pace on my long runs at the lower Maff heart rate. I am really getting back into my running and feeling exited at the little pick ups in pace even if I am still quite slow.

I had an some experiences during the week which I was not sure what to make of. I was interacting with people in the office and realised my social skills were so bad that the holiday I had planned was just not going to work. I was planning to go to Thai land next November or so but realised I would probably spend all of the time sitting in the hotel room. Seems a bit expensive to go on holidays and just sit in hotel room so as not to deal with the stress of having to interact with people. I was looking forward to the holiday and had inquired about prices but decided to give it a miss. I did feel very disappointed at this and could feel my self get depressed but as this happened the relaxed feeling I get from practiseing autogenics seemed to start at top of my head and flow into my limbs. I was not sure what to make of the sensation and tried to just go with the flow. The feelings of depression stopped. I decided to put my energies into training for Cork to Cobh race next October so I had something to look forward to. My mind went onto other matters and a few minutes later I thought I am supposed to be depressed but was surprised to find I simply did not feel so.

A day or so later the idea that my thoughts are being heard by people around me became quite strong. This had caused me a lot of problems in the past. I don’t act on any of this type of thought process as I once asked a boss in previous job can you hear my thoughts . He looked at me as if I had 50 heads and completely mad. I then talked to myself about this and it did not make sense and I had no real evidence to support this. Still 1 minute after I explained this to myself I was back wondering what everyone made of my thoughts. I smiled at myself and every time this thought process popped up I would do most best to just focus on my breathing and not obsess on the thought which I know from experience is just not healthy. This thought process has stopped since thankfully.

Yesturday at work when talking to people I felt the same relaxed sensation I get from meditation kick in without trying to provoke it. I felt very relaxed for the rest of the day at work. The voices I hear claimed they where responsible for this and if I would just interact with people more I would feel more of the same. I go to lengths to avoid people as they are just to stressful. It’s hard to believe anything the voices say as they were back saying there job is to destroy everything  I am a few minutes after saying they made me feel relaxed. I have started to tell the voices my job is to keep us alive and well and maybe get few extras out of life along the way.

I practise one shaman type meditation each night I usually feel energy entering my body and I feel quite refreshed after it. I have not studied it more than this but enjoy the practise of it so will keep it up.

Not sure if these sensations of relaxed states of mind and body are from meditation or just more signs the world things I’m mad. If anyone who practises meditation and experiences these things do let me know in the comments.

I can still wake up a few times a night but seem to get by on what sleep I get. Still get annoyed at things but in general feeling good about the week.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fightπŸƒπŸΌπŸ˜€

Link to autogenics if your interested

Link to Maff training if anyone interested

100 like me and my weekly stuff

Was out for a great run this morning and the weather is great. It was nice running (let’s call it shuffling) along the road. Tried to practise little mindfulness by paying attention to my breath my footsteps and a bit of nature. This made the run more enjoyable. My pace is still slow but bit by bit my maff pace is getting better and better for some parts of the run was in the 10 minute mile range which is where I am aiming for it to be. Even managed to jog albeit slowely up the hill I usually have to walk in places to keep heart rate low so feeling chuffed with myself at the moment. Link below to Maff  if anyone interested in it.

Link to Maff training type
Was nominated by  Yourenotaloneinthisworld (great blog by the way worth checking out)to pick a song I like which meant something to me. Only getting around to it now. The song is 100 like me the lyric “there must be 100 like me I am not the only one hiding“. When I heard it and first realised it was about different people and ther mental health I got emotional. I guess it made me feel not alone in my struggles and in hiding my illness. I think I hide it to avoid the stigma but sometimes I wonder is it just not to make people around me uncomfortable. I think the song is great and the video is also worth a look. See link below it’s definitely worth a listen.

Link to YouTube song 100 like me

Noticed the early onset of a bit of an episode yesturday evening but listened to some music and tried to focus on my breath and the episode came to a full stop. Had to try very hard to not let my thoughts go to a dark place my voices where somewhat supportive during this phase, as soon as I pulled out of it they went back to there usual ways. I think the best I can do is spot a negative line of thought and stop it before I get carried away. I guess I need practise at this.

Been practising some shaman meditation to my usual stuff . I am not sure if I should given my minds capacity to get carried away with things. I want to ask someone’s advice about it but no clue who to ask about this. For example when I visualise drawing energy from the ground I literally feel the sensation of it rising in my body. I believe a physiatrist would call this tactile hallucination I don’t know if it’s normal to feel these things for every one when practiseing or just myself. Saw a shaman once when I was going through hell years ago I recall him saying I was a super sensitive given the way I reacted to some things. Not sure what to make of it for now all I intend to practise is the meditation from it and stay grounded and just see where it goes.

My dreams for the most part where fine had one difficult night. They are still very vivid and can wake me up but I am we’ll practised at getting back to sleep.

Not sure if I will go back to therapy. I am not saying I am closing the door to it just that I am seeing how I get on with out it for a while , I may give it a go again but the last time I went. Really had nothing’s to say.

I got my raise in work, they seem happy with me said to keep up the good work.

Was doing some research on mindfulness they mentioned you may become aware of things in your life you where previously unaware off. The one thing that has really stood out for me has been the level of violence in the way people in the house communicate with each other. The language they use is incredible. You would not hear it in a movie with bad language. I also noticed that at times my own inner speech can reflect this as well. Making more of an effort to be more compassionate to myself and how I think of others. It’s taking a bit of effort but I think it’s worth it.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.πŸ‘ŒπŸ½πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ˜Š