Trigger warning “depression” “suicide” “foul language” “CSA”
Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.
Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).
So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.
In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.
I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.
I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself.
5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.
It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.
So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.
During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute. My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .
So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.
As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.
Hope this post finds you well.