Spiritual Circle

Hi hope your well have not posted in a while. Working away minding my business.

Joined a spiritual circle were you read cards and try and read a person from objects belong to them etc. I am not bad at it but need practice. Some nights it can mostly be chatting and having a laugh. We went on a day outing a week ago it was enjoyable.

I guess it gives a different meaning to some of the things I experience, for example waking up one night and seeing a ghost form of the divine mother standing over me. It was there for a few moments and disappeared. I gave thanks for the experience called my guardian and protectors close to me to keep me safe rolled over and feel asleep.

I felt like she was watching over me and keeping me safe.

It’s great to have a social circle outside of work. It does make me realize the people in work are just work colleges and it does not matter if we don’t get along. It was great to meet like minded people in the circle I get along with.

I enjoy going to a place called Fota Gardens see photos below along with some pictures of my circle group day out.

I still think my GP is an asshat but I have wasted enough energy on him.

My voices went quite last January they still talk but the volume is much lower and I don’t talk back much any more.

I no lounger accept my experience as an illness but can be tricky to deal with. There is a psychological element to what I experience but I believe this is over simplicity of what I experience, and always believed there is a spiritual part to what I experience but a grounded version of spirituality.

Going to Belfast start of September for training in the Maastricht interview looking forward to it. I need to practice traveling around I have not done much in the past.

Hope you have a good week, sending positive vibes

Keep up the good fight βœŠπŸΎβœŠπŸ»βœŠπŸΎβœŠπŸ»πŸ‘ŠπŸΎ

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My Retreat and Visit to St. Coleman’s Cave

Hi, hope your well. Have not blogged in a while trying to get back into the habit.

I am currently baking my first loaf of bread in the oven. Hoping it turns out ok and if not well there is always the shop😊

My arm is healing from the crash nicely have a lot of movement back in it. Need to get the last bit of movement back when reaching up. I lack a lot of stamina and strength but these will come back with time and effort. I genuinely found focusing my mind on my arm and the sensation of energy’s to help a lot with the pain so I did not use pain killers after first 3 weeks. I also believe it helps a lot to help with the healing process. I am truly happy I did not need surgery on the armπŸ˜€

I am back from a retreat in Galway find link below. I find visiting the place helps to center my mind and spiritually enriching. I cannot do much yoga yet so mostly meditated and read very interesting books. The host is very friendly. We paid a visit to St. Coleman’s cave in Claire. I had to take it easy with dodgy arm but made it up hills.There was beautiful scenery on the way. My hands felt unusually warm on the way up. The cave was very still and very calming on my mind. I touched the rock and my hands were so warm the rock felt warm. I found it a very interesting experience.

I felt energized from the retreat with a new thirst for knowledge in general but more so spiritual type of knowledge. I was given an interesting autobiography of a great yogi . I am finding very enjoyable and interesting to read.

I think I will go on retreat every month or so here and there just to center myself.

I have my troubles but feel at peace with life even if I am unsure what road to take. I was asked a question what brings you joy on the retreat to which I thought and said joy is were you seek it. Will need to think about this for a while and see if it makes sense. I find simple joy in a good conversation or bird song on a walk but I need to make a reminder to myself it is there as I can get lost in my head.

While writing this blog I forgot to set timer for bread it’s looking a bit dodgy like I said there is always the shop.

The host recommended a film on Netflix called the Shaq. I would recommend it. I myself about 10 minutes in felt the urge to cry and apologize to God for being so angry at God. It felt good I am more at peace, I may need to remind myself of it from time to time.

Well that’s enough of my crazy head for now

Keep up the good fight πŸ‘ŠπŸΎβœŠπŸ»βœŠπŸΎπŸ‘πŸΌ

The Willow Retreat

Feeling good.

So their are positive Voices too.

Hello it’s a nice morning here in Cobh in Cork bit overcast but it’s not cold or raining. My dog is currently full of beans after the walk this morning and would probably keep going for hours.

Working away at the moment just looking forward to the break at Christmas. I took week off before Christmas as I find this time of year tough so on the plus side I have only 2 weeks left to work this year. Fairly busy at work, worked 2 Saturday’s as well as the week days but did nothing this weekend and it was good to relax. I am just focusing on getting through last 2 weeks and not get to bothered about anything.

I gained some weight in last few weeks but it is starting to come down very slowly it’s probably side effect of meds as really don’t overeat much. I am quite chuffed My headstand in yoga is coming along a bit I can only hold it for 10 to 15 seconds but it’s not easy also it is making my shoulders and arms noticeably stronger. That’s not me in picture below it’s just to give you an idea what it looks like. I look a bit wobbly doing mine.

I have my usual voices which can be angry and critical some of which are very interested in sex these days. Slightly after a reduction in meds I noticed I can have positive voices which seem to help the situation for example in work they might point out something I forgot , their not constant but help from time to time. I am not used to this but the change is nice. I don’t mind the critical voices and am used to them but a change of pace is nice.

Got a little carried away on Black Friday but no big deal overtime at work covered most of it. I just felt a compulsion to buy stuff ended up with a new cooker and new gear for motor bike πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

I guess I am as mad as ever, I believe I feel energy and stuff which effects me and the people around me in different ways. I see much imagery during guided meditation spirit animals and such it can be very interesting and I believe can help. I guess it is also important to remember this is a human journey as well as a spiritual one and to stay grounded.πŸ˜‰ I don’t share this information with people as I know there response from previous experiences I have shared and it ain’t good. As mad as I might be I get by and make a living.

Hope your well and have a good day.

Keep up the good fight βœŠπŸΎπŸ‘ŠπŸΎβœŠπŸΎπŸ‘ŠπŸΎ

Osho meditation.

Hi hope your well. Tried osho meditation today all I can say is WTF. 

We had to pretend we where 5 and play like kids I just could not engage and just tried to avoid people. Being a kid basically stank for me I could not relate.

We then pretended your an angry dog barking at other dogs. By other dogs I mean people on the course. I was bit freaked out but tried by barking a little but mostly just kept away from people. It really was not going well. 

Then we had to try be a sensual cat and rub our bodies of other people. All I can say is holy fucking shit. There was no fucking way I was going to rub of other people in a sensual way given the sever issues I have about people being in my boundaries. I literally sat there sweating frozen in place keeping to myself with odd person rubbing off me meowing. I was completely fucking frozen. 

We then had to act like we where laughing for another 5 mins or so. At this stage I was totally fucking depressed and felt like the difference between me and other people was so glaring obvious in the last 15mins it was honestly painful. The course instructor’s tried to get me to engage but I just could not. They even asked me was I ok which of course I responded to by saying oh ya I’m fine (while screaming in my head please just get the fuck away from me.)

We then had to pretend we where crying this was about the only excercise I could relate to. I felt myself tear up and did not want to cry in front of everyone so I do what I do best and shut everything down and just sat there feeling empty.

We then had to meditate with a blank mind I decided I would leave at first opportunity and just call it quits. Unfortunately a tear or two escaped and my noise was runny I just sat there silently in meditation planning my escape. The voices where quite through this but Mary agreed it was going terrible.

We then sat in a circle to talk about the experiences. It must of been really obvious I stuck out, one woman said she once had a social phobia and would not have been able to do these excercise once but had done a lot of work to be able to do them now and if someone was unable to do these excercise that it was just fine. I was speaking to her briefly about it just after this and one of the instructors came up and asked me if I was alright if I had some emotional stuff that came up in the meditation. I said I had boundary issues and it was also some emotional stuff. He seemed fine about it and said just engage as much as you are comfortable with. I would like to be a little proud of myself at this point by saying I did have an issue and I just did not run screaming from the building which I guess would have looked a bit odd.

We took 5. Min break and started into another type of meditation I did what I could it went well and felt good by lunch so decided to give the afternoon a go.

The afternoon went much better I did the best I could and really enjoyed the humming meditation also the dance one I probably looked odd standing in the corner swaying to myself but I felt great.

I felt the usual buzzing sensations in my legs, head and espically in my arms. At one point an instructor stepped over my hand and I felt the sensation of his leg moving over my arm without him touching it. Meant to ask about sensations but I just wanted to retreat home to where I felt safe. I can feel tinkling in my palms as I write this it’s not unpleasant I just don’t know what it is. I realise a physiatrist would call it tactile hallucinations but I think that’s a label for something they just don’t understand other than to medicate it out of existence. I feel it helps me to tune into my body and at times it’s super relaxing sensation which is useful when under pressure at work.

When I was dancing swaying my hands around my body. I could feel in my hands different sensations from different parts of my body still pretty clueless as to why this is , I guess I might just be mad but I can’t help but feel there is more to it.

So in summary I am very glad I went  it is good to do thinks out of your comfort zone but I may have over reached a bit today. 

I hope to get some of the music they had to practise 1 or 2 of the meditations I picked up there.

The voices where mostly quite today saw little imagery when I closed my eyes to meditate but not much. I was visualiseing nature and I saw a samurai in grass approaching me he raised his head and it was panda out of Kung fu panda it then sprouted wings turned into an angel with a sword in its hand the voices got freaked out and started interfering with imagery at this stage said they don’t want to see angel stuff. I have a weird head I have to ask does anyone else see imagery like this.

It’s was a tough day but feeling good I think I would use the label happy and calm right now feeling bit tired so I’m of to bed.

Meant to say also people in the group were super friendly it made my day so much easier.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

There is hope πŸ˜‰

Sensations With schizophrenia and meditationΒ 

Did nice easy Maff aerobic run this morning. It was nice and sunny. Running on an empty stomach straight away in the morning does not seem to bother me but I enjoy my breakfast when I eventually get to it. My pace at going up inclines seems to be getting better by over half a minute in the last week or two. Which makes running much easier. I really am enjoying my running at the moment.

I continue to meditate. Which can give me a very relaxed feeling in my body espically my arms. I continue to get sensations of relaxation in my head during the working day. It’s nice I guess. The only way to describe it is the relaxed sensation I used to get when tipsy just without all the side effects of alcohol. I feel this sensation as I write this. The voices claim they are responsible for this. Not sure if I believe this.

I was watching a film the other day and felt something tap my forehead. Which seemed to cause an intense feeling of relaxation transfer down into my hands. I then sat in a meditative position (I was in my room) and continued to watch the rest of the film feeling content with myself. I did not get the feeling of anxiety I usually get from films, which can cause me to turn off the film.

I woke up the other night , I usually wake around 3, with a very intense sensation in my hands. I would only describe it as raging sensation of relaxation in my hands. I have been woken to strange sensations before but rarely a pleasant type.

I continue to see images when I meditate, but not as much lately, not sure what to make of these so just let them play out as long as they are not to unpleasant.

I have had sensations before with my diagnosis but with the meditation they seen to be mostly pleasant enough. I think the problem starts when I start to put meaning to them like someone else is causing them. I will continue to meditate and just stay grounded as I can and try not to let my mind make connections between things that are not there but I think this is just how my mind works. So I am just trying to sit back and observe all these type of thoughts and just not get swept along with them.

Did my best at work to relax and try to get along with people , I think it’s working but I can be a bit demanding when I am trying to get work out and expect a lot from people and myself.  I think woman who was unhappy with me has relaxed a bit but time will tell. I am still very stressed around here and try to avoid her.

Watched a Ted talk from a monk about the link between great fullness and happiness. It’s worth a look if you have time.  Link to Ted Talks

So all in all I got through the week so I happy enough at that.πŸ˜… Now just Need to relax for weekend to prepare for new week. πŸ˜‰

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.πŸƒπŸΌπŸ‘ŒπŸ½πŸ’

100 like me and my weekly stuff

Was out for a great run this morning and the weather is great. It was nice running (let’s call it shuffling) along the road. Tried to practise little mindfulness by paying attention to my breath my footsteps and a bit of nature. This made the run more enjoyable. My pace is still slow but bit by bit my maff pace is getting better and better for some parts of the run was in the 10 minute mile range which is where I am aiming for it to be. Even managed to jog albeit slowely up the hill I usually have to walk in places to keep heart rate low so feeling chuffed with myself at the moment. Link below to Maff  if anyone interested in it.

Link to Maff training type
Was nominated by  Yourenotaloneinthisworld (great blog by the way worth checking out)to pick a song I like which meant something to me. Only getting around to it now. The song is 100 like me the lyric “there must be 100 like me I am not the only one hiding“. When I heard it and first realised it was about different people and ther mental health I got emotional. I guess it made me feel not alone in my struggles and in hiding my illness. I think I hide it to avoid the stigma but sometimes I wonder is it just not to make people around me uncomfortable. I think the song is great and the video is also worth a look. See link below it’s definitely worth a listen.

Link to YouTube song 100 like me

Noticed the early onset of a bit of an episode yesturday evening but listened to some music and tried to focus on my breath and the episode came to a full stop. Had to try very hard to not let my thoughts go to a dark place my voices where somewhat supportive during this phase, as soon as I pulled out of it they went back to there usual ways. I think the best I can do is spot a negative line of thought and stop it before I get carried away. I guess I need practise at this.

Been practising some shaman meditation to my usual stuff . I am not sure if I should given my minds capacity to get carried away with things. I want to ask someone’s advice about it but no clue who to ask about this. For example when I visualise drawing energy from the ground I literally feel the sensation of it rising in my body. I believe a physiatrist would call this tactile hallucination I don’t know if it’s normal to feel these things for every one when practiseing or just myself. Saw a shaman once when I was going through hell years ago I recall him saying I was a super sensitive given the way I reacted to some things. Not sure what to make of it for now all I intend to practise is the meditation from it and stay grounded and just see where it goes.

My dreams for the most part where fine had one difficult night. They are still very vivid and can wake me up but I am we’ll practised at getting back to sleep.

Not sure if I will go back to therapy. I am not saying I am closing the door to it just that I am seeing how I get on with out it for a while , I may give it a go again but the last time I went. Really had nothing’s to say.

I got my raise in work, they seem happy with me said to keep up the good work.

Was doing some research on mindfulness they mentioned you may become aware of things in your life you where previously unaware off. The one thing that has really stood out for me has been the level of violence in the way people in the house communicate with each other. The language they use is incredible. You would not hear it in a movie with bad language. I also noticed that at times my own inner speech can reflect this as well. Making more of an effort to be more compassionate to myself and how I think of others. It’s taking a bit of effort but I think it’s worth it.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.πŸ‘ŒπŸ½πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ˜Š

Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening?Β 

Read some links during the week from hearing voices network ireland on facebook. Thought they where very interesting. 

The first link is a guy who examines how indigenous people treat people who hear voices. It basically states that they are not treated with any stigma. That in general they would have a mentor who has been through something similar themselves who guides them through this process and then they possible end up as a type of healer for the community. It suggests they are able to induce a altered state of mind which they can get useful bits of information from.

I would like to point out they basically contribute to there community and also survive with out the use of antipsychotics. I can’t help but wonder if someone from western society who hears voices went to the indigenous healer who also hears voices, would they be willing to teach them how they live with the voices. And would it be similar to the voice dialog that is promoted by the hearing voices networks.

I guess I am just letting my thoughts run away with me but I would be interested in travelling to meet such people to learn what I could from them. Anywho see link below to Ted talk I thought it was very interesting, if you have a look let me know what you think in the comments.

Link to Ted talks
The next link is about a woman Rachel. Who briefly explains her story of her experience’s of mental health services. Very interesting woman well worth a look.

Rachel’s Story

Weeks summary:

I have a recurring dream where I am trying to get down the stairs from my room to the living room in the house I grew up in and I am in a anxious state of mind. I got down the stairs during the week and burst into the living room in an upset state of mind. To find my mother and uncle with a child version of myself just sitting there.

I then thought I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. One of my voices said what do you expect from us all we can do is Viking speak and then said eat shit and die, I laughed at this as I have come to do of most insults. I then realised I was still dreaming. So I went off down the stairs again, along the way I meet my childhood dog and asked him to come with me. I find the sitting room door tied shut . I tear it open and find the grandfather who abused me sitting on a chair watching TV with a fire lighting. He got up and backed away from me with an alarmed look on his face. I grab him and tell him to get the fuck out of my head he replies I don’t know where it is. I try to punch through his head but struggle to do so, so I then proceed to squash him into the fireplace to burn him while my dog looks on , I then woke up . Bit of a heavy dream tried little bit of meditation after it to relax before I got on with my day. My dreams since have been happy enough , my sleep self also seems to excipiet a stronger ability to control things in the dreams which is nice.

I basically gave up the idea of telling work I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I decided it’s just nice to have a place where I am not treated as if I am going to freak out at any second and attack everyone, which is the way it is at home at times which is not nice to live with.Plus telling them this may cost me my job and like every one else I need the money.

Still practising meditation and running away at my slow pace but both practises seem to keep me happy.

Considering changing name of my blog to voicehearer548 as schizophrenia548 does not really feel right anymore.

I also went back to my previous therapist and realised when I was in there I really did not have anything to say. So he flicked through this blog and mentioned the other therapist I had been seeing seemed very judgemental which he would consider to be wrong , especially when it came to my parents.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fightπŸ‘πŸΌ