Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

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Thi Chi & The voices are quite I wonder what there up too.

I am enjoying a lazy Saturday afternoon about to put on dinner. Hope this post finds you well.

Tried Thi Chi workshop thing this morning. It was interesting. The Thi chi was bit confusing but interesting. She is starting class’s next month might join them. It was mostly woman in class I spoke to 2 people in the time I was there.

She had tea break half way through, which meant people were talking to each other. I still find it amazing how absolutely alone I feel in a room full of people talking. I felt my mood go downhill but kept a mantra I use in my mind in conjunction with some breathing and got through break with out leaving mood drop to low.

She did ask did people get tinkling in there hands during excercise. She called this Chi I did not mention anything as I get sensations in my hands all the time not sure if same thing.

One of the meditations she did you had to focus on people you love and trust. I was utterly fucked if I could thing of people so just smiled to myself and thought it was a bit sad I could think of just about no one I trust that really gets me, I did think of my blog and some of people n here but not sure how to work that into meditation 😉but it did not bother me more then that.

I continue to mix and match various meditations depending on my mood and time. I thing it does help the mind. I can mostly see a train of thought go down a negative path early on and just focus on my breath and mantra or just blank my mind. It stops the flow of negative or just plain mad thoughts from going into full swing. It is also super relaxing. Some nights my legs and arms would be absolutely roasting from it. I believe this is effect of autogenics.

I have only done a few yoga classes but I believe already I can feel a difference in just general moving around. It just seems less achy which is great. There was only one woman in last class with myself I even spoke to her briefly, which I considered a minor victory.

I continue to just interact with my voices just at night time when I play sounds of the forest. They are mostly quiet. To be fair they used to say a lot to stop talking to them. I am finding I am paying more attention to people around me and trying to talk to them more, not sure how I come across but I guess if I am not talking to my voices I need someone to talk to.

On another note I sometimes wonder was the world always this crazy with the stuff in the news.and If you went back 1000years was it still as mad. I just wonder from time to time.

I have rambled on long enough. I am off to make dinner.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾