Tapering + Dissociation ?

Hi, hope your well , it’s a pleasant if slightly chilly Sunday afternoon here in Cobh.

Just did little body scan meditation. I find it very relaxing. When I do this I get a sensation of energy or heat on the part of the body I focus on. It is usually quite pleasant. My mind voices claim they do it but I think it’s just me it’s hard to tell (I realize the mind voices are aspects of self but I see it as various minds in one mind). I saw somewhere some monk said he gets same effect from meditation.

So tipping away nicely. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit to much lately. I think there are my minds reaction to feeling depressed, I write stories that amuse my self in my mind. I might throw some of these on another blog I do. Just to get them out of my mind. I had to make an effort to control and stop this from happening as if led unchecked I think it leads to a sort of manic high. Which actually feels great but becomes all consuming and eventually burns out and I can get a very low mood after it.

Spend some time this morning just walking in a field with the dog and just stop myself from thinking. I just listen to the birds and watch them. Listen to my footfalls on the grass. Interact with my voices a little but not to much. Feel the breeze on my skin and just notice things around me. I think this is called grounding or mindfulness. It’s quite relaxing I would recommend it to anyone with a busy mind. I also like to disappear in to a video game for a while but again find this all consuming so try to limit this as well.

I meet with my Psychiatrist last Tuesday. We discussed that you don’t so much get withdrawal effects from tapering but you do get an adjustment period from changing your dosage. Sounds like the same way of saying the same thing to me just makes the psychiatrist feel better about herself. Still at least she acknowledges this as GP will acknowledge nothing. I agreed with psychiatrist to leave at current dose until Jan next year and then if all good taper to lower dose. I might continue taper in 3months depending how I fell. I have gone from 50mg injection to 37.5 injection. I am glad I did this, as I no lounger feel like I have an hangover the morning after injection. I did have a reaction to reduction but did not panic as experienced same thing a year ago when adjusted injection from 2 weeks to 3 weeks.

Saw my GP on Friday he kept asking how everything was you could almost tell he wanted me to still be struggling but I was fine. I discussed what the psychiatrist said he once again stated he did not want to adjust dosages. I said he had already made that clear. I still think he is a complete tit. I have survived despite his care which I still consider to have severely hindered my recovery process. The mother asked her GP if she would take me on she said she might give me a call before the end of the year as there is waiting list. It would be nice to change she could not be worse then my current GP who is literally no support in tapering process and if I left him have his way it would never have happened.

I was in work during the week and was interacting with my work colleague. I sat down next to her. I think I was swinging my legs around , I believe she just lightly taped the side of my knee with hers, possibly to bring my attention to it. The second this happened all of my senses shut off , there is not a single thought in my head and all I see is black. I have no clue how long this went on for possibly a few seconds. I come to I am leaning away from the woman I am sitting next too. I felt like a kid, two of my hands are planked in the chair between my legs and I am swinging the chair around like a kid. I continue discussing what’s on the monitor like nothing happened the poor woman looks a bit surprised to say the least but says nothing. I did not think much about it until few days after. I am not sure if should ask work if something happened or not. I think I will but not sure.

I went to a new therapist also during the week , she has training in something called the Maastricht interview. There is a link at bottom of post if your interested. We had a chat and started the process it looks like it suited to people who hear voices so should get something from it.

Work gave me time off to go every 2 weeks as long as I work it back on Saturdays. I said I experience intrusive thoughts to her but did not go in to detail. I have had very bad experiences trying to explain this to people. Especially since the nature of them are based around the topic of rape and sexual abuse I went through as a kid but unfortunately I am the bad guy in the images and thoughts.

When I first experienced these I went completely mad I ended up committing myself as I thought I was a danger to woman and children and just about everyone around me (I would like to add the only person I was ever a danger to was myself). I explained in the mental hospital I was experiencing intrusive thoughts people did not react well one so called professional nearly chucked me off the ward. They kept giving my meds which did not help and treated me like I was I threat which just fed into my negative state of mind. It continued to get worse and meds did fuck all. I tried to kill myself 4 or 5 times as I could not live with how intrusive thoughts made me feel. I eventually just learned to live with them. I think I read somewhere they were a reaction of the mind to being in a situation it did not want to be in. They have mostly died off over the years but can get bad from time to time. I try not to react to them in any way as this just seems to feed into a nightmare of a self feeding loop of nightmare type stuff. I have meet a few woman online who have had a very similar experience, it was nice to know I was not alone.

Well that was heavier then I intended anyway I described the blackout effect I experienced during the week to therapist. She described it as Dissociation I believe this is a defensive reaction of the mind to a situation it does not want to be in. I will have to read up on it as it happens to me now and then.

This post really is heavier than intended.

Still tipping away at yoga and odd run.

Take care of yourself

Keep up the good fight.✊🏻✊🏾

Maastricht Interview link

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Tapering and other odd events.

The weather is still nice here in Cobh. Decided to have at least one lazy day a week, I guess this is it. Work is going well and I feel good at the moment.

About 4 weeks ago the tapering process came up a cropper. I woke on a Monday morning and suddenly felt massive irrational irritation and my voices went utterly ballistic. Things which I find to uncomfortable to blog about but which I relate to CSA as a kid resurfaced, this was upsetting but manageable. It was a challenge to say the least so I booked two days off work. I think one week in work I came up with weird and odd ways of dealing with voices every day.

I also decided given my precarious position to let work know my meds were being adjusted and not to panic it would sort itself out in few weeks. Also mentioned I had noticed some side effects and was unsure what people had noticed. They seemed ok about it.

To describe it, imagine on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being not really annoyed to 10 flipping out, my knee jerk reaction to just about everything was 7 or 8. It made the week interesting but I kept my cool if anyone noticed anything I don’t think it was Major.

Also noticed feeling almost high and low quite a few times in the space of about 5 minutes. Again I did my best to notice these feelings and let them pass on by. Also intensely aware of intense emotions which I seemed to associate to my voices , which they claimed they were using to attack me, but I couldn’t help but feel this is how they felt at the time. I did my best not to get swept away in the emotions and simply smile and let the emotions alone and some space without getting absorbed in to them.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks but last 2 week or so this has all slowly eased off. I have decided to go back to interacting with voices after 10 in the day. I try not to interact with them to much at work at moment as they are more pissed than usual. That said I have had a very quite few days recently.

I have had dizzy spells again this week and felt nauseous. At times I found it difficult to walk in a straight line. Depending who you ask all this would be a sign of tapering or the odd label I have been given or my odd head being my odd head.

I am happy and will argue to leave my current dosage of meds alone and see were I am at in 3 months.

The meditation continues to be of benefit which allows me to sleep well even when my mind is extremely busy. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit so might write these in another blog just to get them out of my head there mostly mad stuff but when I write them down there is usually something interesting about my life experience in them. Probably do light run in the morning. Doing little strength training at the moment with little yoga but nothing spectacular.

Still going strong as a vegetarian , have also cut out cream and nearly all cheese.😎

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻

Thoughts on Course on Schizophrenia

It’s a lovely day here in Cork in Cobh. Just lazing around at the moment taking it easy after mornings walk with my Sister and ever energetic dog.

Been studying course on abnormal psychology, I might add I find the course title offensive. I still like the line by Eleanor Longden – A normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I might have paraphrased slightly. This line literally changed the way I view the label I have been given and voice hearing experience I have. I believe it was one of the very strong reasons I have changed my life from were it was.

The course I am studying at the moment covers a range of topics in a very short time frame. One of them was on addictions, on my assignment the comments I got back mentioned this was one of the better assignments on this topic the Tudor had marked. It did not let me express my complete disagreement with the large amount of the subject matter of the course.

This was particularly true for the part of the course I just completed on schizophrenia and psychosis. It mentioned people with schizophrenia have impaired intellect and will need lifelong financial and emotional support, they will also not work again given the intellectual impairment and also require lifelong treatment of anti psychotic medication. The only words I can express towards this is go fuck yourselves, sorry forgive my language. I have the label I work just as well as others in what can be a high pressure environment. I function fairly well socially albeit this is not one of my strong points. I am owed money by people and budget excellently. I have read about and personally meet with people who can survive without anti psychotic meds and have this label.

They also mentioned people with the label like their personal space and are socially withdrawn. They did not mention that research on people with the label, that 70% are likely to have experienced a serious trauma in their life. Might be worth mentioning that Buddhists consider all life trauma. I personally experienced child abuse at very young age. I am protective of my personal space as I believe I learned a massive distrust of people and what they do in your personal space at a very young age. It’s hard to shake this off at an unconscious level. I would consider this a learnt behavior to adopt to my environment from my past not a sign of some mental disease or disorder.

I like to interact with people to a point but most of the time I am genuinely happier on my own. I find it uncomfortable to be around people in social setting for long periods of time but I do enjoy a good conversation from time to time, which I find good for my head space. I consider this a personality trait not a sign of some disease.

Also worth mentioning that my voices took umbrage to being called an hallucination. Given the content of what they come up with most of the time is based around my childhood abuse and current difficulties it’s hard to argue with them. Their pissed I am even writing this. I can’t help but feel my voices can have their own character and to just write them off as an hallucination well is to just misunderstand the situation. That said it can be a challenging experience but last week during work I was bored out of my tree. I interacted with them while working and the day flew by. It’s kind of like talking to someone while you work. They are usually pissed about something and I end up taking the piss out of them and struggle to suppress a laugh in the office at work at them.

Was chatting to sister about this stuff, I mentioned that people coming out of sleep can experience voices, noises and visions. Granted I can experience these during the day but it’s close to what I can experience. She was not fully convinced but I will work on her give me time😉 . I have noticed this slightly more lately but it’s usually pleasant conversation and does not stress me out.

If the subject matter of the course I am doing is representation of what MH professionals are thought dear god help anyone under their care.

Also I noticed even though the drugs are called anti psychotic medication. A syndrome they can cause is called neuroleptic malignant syndrome not anti psychotic malignant syndrome. If the syndrome is called neuroleptic why isn’t the medication called neuroleptic medication as I have noted some people make a point of doing so. I might be just paranoid but it’s like some people are trying to distance themselves from this life threatening syndrome.

Also if anyone in England is reading this their is a mother who’s boy was killed by this syndrome, she is trying to get signatures to get government in England to look at training for people in hospitals to deal with autism and avoid this ever happening again.Please sign if you get a chance, below is link to twitter and petition

Petition

@PaulaMac007 is were you can find info. on Twitter

Ok so rant over. I continue to taper my meds to see what happens but I am happy at were I am at even if I have a long way to go. Joined some groups on Facebook which have useful information and people to give some support.

I still find mindfulness nearly impossible but intent to make more of an effort. I love meditation, it’s probably the only reason I sleep given my super active mind. Doing little running but nothing to intense just nice an easy. Still love yoga and practice most mornings. I think I mentioned a type of meditation were you just think about being grateful for stuff in your life. It might sound cheesy but it’s working for me. Things in the past such as noise from dishwasher and washing machine would have annoyed me but now I appreciate the time they save me to do other stuff like blogging. My mind for the most part is quite happy with itself.

Now I am considering having a little dance to some music, I guess it sounds silly on my own but its what OSHO meditation is about and I can enjoy it.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight.✊🏻

Is mental illness real ?

Hello hope your well it is lovely weather here in Ireland. I am just relaxing enjoying the weekend.

I tried to have a conversation with work college about the mental illness not being a biological disease. It went terribly they popped a fuse and I think they said something unpleasant not sure as my brain did it’s usual trick of blacking out for a few seconds. Also on group online and people mentioned they can have had the same reaction from others. I can be bad at explaining my point of view but the article below explains it perfectly. It’s worth a read if you have time. I would be interested to hear peoples point of view. I did not realize people get so emotional about this.

Is mental illness real ? Link

Also watched interesting YouTube short on service users point of view of medications. It doesn’t take one side or the other on the subject just the view points of people who use medication. I found it bit of an eye opener. As usually these things are people promoting one point of view over the other , which this does not, it’s about 25min. Long.

You tube link to general views on medication

I continue to slowly taper my medication doing fine. As mentioned before did have bit of dizziness but it has cleared up. Also noticed patterns moving more than I would have than previously noticed. It’s hard to describe it’s like an image on the actual image of itself which moves around. Like something you would see in a movie of someone being high. This also has more or less cleared up as well. Voices are their usual selves. Noticed I was making up stories in my head a bit more so just stuck a time limit on this so as not to get to carried away with it. I can have unusual beliefs but no more than usual, I have learned long time ago to keep these to myself and just get on with life. I get my usual body sensations but the medication never really stopped these anyway. My stomach did feel iffy and I felt like throwing up few times over last few weeks. Not sure if side effect of meds or my stomach just sick. My stomach is usually fine as I eat well and do not drink anymore, hard to say for sure what this is.

I am still not watching any horrors or violent type films. I don’t believe these help the mind which I am trying to take particular care of while tapering, will mostly stick to stand up comedy’s for now.

Went for my first run in months last week. It went well did about 3 miles or so. Will start doing a little more running . Don’t really plan to do big milage or races any time soon.

Finished another module of my online course this morning and submitted my assignment for marking, it should be fine. Got 100% in the quiz. Started the next module on schizophrenia. Found must of the stuff personally insulting as it’s based on DSM and bio model but I intend to get my money’s worth and finish the course. Will be looking for better trauma informed style courses in future.

Work is going fine there is overtime on the go but mostly doing course in the mornings instead of overtime. I got a 6% rise which will come in handy, boss still seems happy with my work. This makes me chuckle as on module I started this morning it mentions people like me who have been given label chronic schizophrenia really recover or work again. When I heard this on my text reader I politely told it to f**k itself. So this module should be colorful and fun😡.

Till next time,

Keep up the good fight 👊🏾

My meds and GP compliant 

It’s a wet Friday night where I am at. My mood is good as I hope is yours.

Practise yoga each morning for 15 mins. Sarahbethyoga on YouTube is very good if you feel so inclined. I am still terrible at some poses but getting the hang of others. Get some meditation most days. In practiseing mindfulness I have noted once again my incredible ability to have an imaginary argument in my mind. It truly amazes me I get up in the morning and try some what haphazardly to practise yoga then as soon as I get to make breakeast I am having an imaginary argument in my mind. I become aware of it usually fairly fast and stop it in its tracks just to start a completely new argument 30 secs later it’s pure gas. I think this is among the reasons the voices in my mind call me the angriest man in the world. I believe there is a lot of anger and frustration at things in my past and present which I must learn to focus in a positive way.

I found myself constantly arguing in my mind about taking medication which I believe has not helped my position. Upon my GP not going for a reduction in my meds and said he would set up meeting with psychiatrist which I have no faith in, which I mentioned in previous post . I was annoyed and made a complaint to some medical board. I think it was 2 weeks ago . I promptly forgot about it and did not think it would amount to much. I received an email a day or two ago saying they acknowledged my email and would review in some committee.

I went to my GP today to get my injection and had not realised they had informed my GP. Which led to a very tricky conversation in which he started typing out what I was saying. He said he could not treat me and said he would look into another GP giving me my injection. Does not bother me to much did not think much of him as GP. He said it was causing him a lot of stress. I had no clue what to say. I don’t think I will see much of him anymore. He also said it would be difficult to treat me in future as I may make a compliant about him, not sure what to make of that statement.

No clue what will happen. The compliants board asked me to produce any evidence to support my complaint. I might ask around for advice to see what people say. I really did not think they would take someone like me seriously but they seem to be.

Other than odd conversation with my now ex-GP. Just working away doing my think trying to make time for WordPress but not feeling it these days so watching Ted Talks on app on iPad . There is some great stuff on it.

Doing bit more running these days trying to enjoy it. Not doing much just 3miles a few times a week.

Well that’s my update.😀

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

TRE & Yoga

It’s raining heavy here, I don’t mind it I sort of like the sound and watching the rain. 

I have been to 3 Yoga classes there grand but I am about as flexible as a brick. It’s mostly woman in the class which suits me as just trying to get used to being around woman more. It’s harder than you would think, I was happy to get through the class the last time. Plan to go every Wednesday see how I get on. It’s nice having it in middle of the week it breaks up the week. It’s about 5 minutes up the road from work which is handy.

Last weekend did embodied wisdom workshop for the day. It involved TRE and inner dance type stuff. The TRE was interesting you just do some excercise stuff until your body shakes. I believe it is meant to realise trauma from the body, with practise it is meant to help past trauma which would be useful. Got email summary of what to do with it a day or so ago plan to practise it during week. It was an interesting day I thing one of the woman might of been half interested in me but not sure she might have been just friendly. She was nice to talk to did not act stuiped around her she had very relaxing energy. I had enough of being around people by the end of the day and just took off but meet some very interesting people on workshop.

Have booked some sort of thi chi workshop for next weekend hopefully be interesting. Something to look forward to. 😀

I have continued to mostly not engage with the voices but turn on some sounds at night and try engage with them for half hour or so. They usually express anger during this time frame but it has been mostly quite during the day. To be honest it can be a bit boring not engaging with the voices.

Still practising different types of meditation. It can be hard sometimes to quite the mind but it works a charm from time to time. I believe the autogenics practise is helping personal issues I am having.

I used to think my eyes just watered a bit during meditation but not sure now I think I let loose a tear or two in some types of meditation not sure what to make of it but I don’t see any harm in it. I have not really seen many images when I meditate for a week or so it’s grand not sure if it will stay that way or if I want it to.

Hope your week goes well😉

Keep up the good fight✊🏾