Hearing Voices V’s Marathons

Hi, hope your well. Just some thoughts to get out of my head. So sticking here. I was in a hearing voices group the other day and got to thinking about some of the toughest marathons I have done. I barely run around the house these days but I am getting back into shape.

I ran the Dublin marathon it was my third marathon and it was bloody brutal but I got around. On the drive up to Dublin from Cork the sister stomach got sick and she started puking, she was driving but we got there.

I got up the next morning and my stomach was sick and I did not feel 100% I had to make a decision to run or not to run. I had spend months training and travelled up from Cork and paid to stay in Hotel over night. So I was going running. I hit around mile 12 I actually felt fine at about mile 12 and a half I completely feel to pieces. My body just lost all energy I had nothing left in the tank, I was beat and done. I was strongly considering sitting down and waiting for the ambulance at the back of the marathon to catch up and just pick me up on the way. This was my third marathon and I don’t like to give up being given labels like schizophrenia etc. I always had a little something to prove.

My voices were quite at the time but did mention the whole failure as a schizophic. I made the decision to keep going and said to them just one step at a time and see what happens. They went quite with a caution maybe it was time to sit this one out.

They had loud clackers as we went around people would clack them in your face to encourage you. I kept feeling I was going to throw up every time someone did. I remember a kid doing so and I could not even respond, he said why did I not respond to his parents and I muttered I am in struggling and managed a smile.

Every mile hurt but step by step I just kept moving along. I have no idea how but got from mile 12 to 26 As I crossed the finish line I remember hearing aloud banging sound. I had no idea what it was and then realized it was the sound of my feet hitting the grounded very heavily as I crossed the finish line. My leg cramped violently and I could not run another step but I did not need to. This a picture of myself going around no clue what mile, I hardly look the picture of health. If I ever think of running a marathon please have me committed ( just kidding please don’t I have had the experience not a good look ).

I would consider hearing voices a blessing but at times it can truly be testing and almost impossible. I have spend years at relative piece with my voices from a place of utter hell with them. They had a melt down again last year but with a few ups and downs I am on the mend again. A change of address to the countryside helped a lot.

I was thinking of the early days I had my more intense voice hearing days. I was asked by my father to just sweep up the floor in the workshop he was moving out off. I began sweeping what should off taken a 10 minute job dragged on way to long. The voices just went ape it just felt like they where shouting and pushing me down with what felt physical force or emotions of an unpleasant nature. I ended up sitting on the floor with a pile of dust sweeped up with brush in hand task completed and I felt broken and just sat there listening to voices just unload on me. This was the early stage of this part of the hearing voices in my life I had no coping mechanisms and no idea which was up or down or what was going on.

This simple task was just heart breaking, I mean I just felt broken. I would consider this simple task a lot harder than running the marathon above and that f**ker was tough.

If my voices tried this now it is still difficult but it would have no ware the same effect and I can usually get things done. Time, experience and searching for healing and what works is truly important.

I have started my own HV group on a Sunday at 4pm Irish Time. It is just for voice hearers feel free to drop by if so. See zoom link below.

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89201253186

Love and Light Keep up the Good fight.

Recovery Lessons

How we now, hope your well. Lovely day here in Cork. See pictures below. Just finished my days work on PC it is good to have my facilities in better shape if not 100%, I am definitely better at work. I have been asking myself about working and being unwell and the general response as I see it from what I see as main stream society.

Lady Luna continues to still evade my attempts to catch her glory and prompts me to do better to see her wares.

Again nothing below is meant to give offense in anyway please do not take offense as this is just my personal experiences.

I have my struggles like everyone but was extremely unwell last year a similar experience I had 14 years ago. My voices went completely into Nuke me the fuck out of here mode. My version of reality became very skewed. The intrusive thoughts/images/sensations etc. and paranoia on a scale of 1-10 was about 50 million.

My recovery is ongoing their are good and bad days but much better than where I was. So I was thinking which is dangerous as they say. When I started to get unwell I was designing cards and working a full week at Steel detailing in front of a PC. I rang my Boss saying well I was not doing well and the idea of working 4 days a week. Possibly stepping back completely. After a brief discussion we decided I was going to work on as always. I let the others in the house know and few people around me. I realize after my outer appearance looked fine bit spaced out but I am like a ninja at hiding that. I can literally smile and answer people without having a single clue what is going on or even what I am talking about. I had been like this for months, It felt like this the whole time while simultaneously feeling spiritually high at the same time. But hey I was working I knew everything after years of this it really was nothing new. I believed this toughened me I could take it.

I had cut myself off as I was having intrusive stuff of an unpleasant nature come through and thought people could read my mind. Which trust me you do not want to share this stuff. I worked through it but during this time could of made a mistake in work which could lead me to getting my ass fired in a job. I am actually back in form enough to do now. I would imagine being canned would be a stressful experience which would not be useful for anyone’s mental health.

At the time of course there was bills to pay and I listened to other people encouraging to stay working. I can’t help but wonder if I just stepped back for two weeks and just took sick pay would that have completely changed the situation. Would I be in a better place now and not have had the experience I had possibly lining me up now to getting fired when I can work away. Also if I had a physical aliment would the Boss and folk around even considered me in working shape. Don’t get me wrong I need the work but I do rely on others opinions if bit unwell.

I remember my thinking at the time and still is. If I step back the GP would be called as before and if I could not convince him I could handle it (especially given my past). I thought I would lose my liberties be committed and given more medication at a level that is not good for anyone. I still believe this today to some extent but I am in the driving seat more now as have a good relationship with my psychiatrist and I am talking to people albeit on zoom but everyone in the same boat.

I think the same issues that came up 14 years ago are just coming up again for me to deal with which I am getting help with. That said it is 14 years later and around half of that was not working just sitting around not doing much. They even placed me on invalidity pension so as far as the state was concerned this one is written off. Not knocking anyone on it but I was in my 30is and I had the capacity to work. Also on the payment I was on I could not really qualify for training in IT which was the line I was hoping to go into at the time. I did find training with a place called the National Learning Network in Ireland and would have landed a job but for the payment I was on in IT. Which was disappointing given the amount of effort I put in at the time.

I can’t help but think if I had met someone with experience like I have now It would have made a big difference. Or the people and groups that support me now would have made a 1000% difference but these take time to build up. I am not sure where I am going with this and I know everyone is doing there best especially 14 years ago when I crashed. That said I did not meet a single person who hears voices through the whole experience until about 6 years in which I believe this would have helped a lot. It would have placed me in a better place much faster would a saved the state loads and I would have been a happy tax payer again. Also a much happier person much sooner with issues from the past at least discussed and had me in a better place.

I would not have felt like a complete freak with experiences. I did not understand and did not know others even had. I recall my experience at one mental institution where a young lady at dinner said “So where are all the mad people , you know the ones who hear voices” everyone shushed her and pointed their heads towards me. I was not in a good place at the time and just lowered my head. To which she said “but I cant believe it he is so quite” this got more shushes. Me with a big red embarrassed face. If this happened now I would just laugh at the young one and poked a bit fun at her.

This is among the reasons I always recommended the Hearing Voices Movement https://www.hearing-voices.org/ . I think there is a support network in just about every area now with people who experience what ever it is. It is really necessary for voice hearers as I think the first voice hearer I heard talk openly about it was Eleanor Longden. Which lead me onto speaking with a few others like Peter Bullimore nice guy who works hard to help people like myself. They really gave me the mentality I can do this.

I continue to have spiritual experiences but I am in a much more grounded place now. On Blue Monday I threw on Krishna Das and imagined sending out happy vibes with spiritual help no clue if it helped but cheered me right up. Saw enlightened beings during my little meditation was delighted with myself just seeing them brightens the mood and emotions. I thank them from the bottom of my heart which they lighten a lot. Did some mediumship at circle last week I did well with a little help, actually I did really well considering this was one of the things I would always avoid trying. As standing in front of group does not suit me. Zoom is not so bad. I have Sita Ram Sita Ram blasting in the headphones helps my type faster but murder on my spellings. I think I will just chill and listen to tunes till I go to bed. Maybe talk to folk a little. Also I need to place a plan in place for me to step back from work and life if in a bit of bother again (I think I was advised this by a voice hearer once, I think I will take the advice now.)

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight my Friends

Below is a link to my gofundme Self care cards any help appreciated to get project off the ground

gf.me/u/zfb9q3

Open Communication

Hope your well. Another week down another few quid made. I am sitting in Mitchelstown listening to Luke Kelly on my favorite Irish music list see link to Spotify below. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CLrbYePy72EaImbw90XGs also eating hula hoops. What more could a happy man want. My Voices are going off in the background and some unpleasant tactile sensations but nothing I am not used to. I touch on few topics below as always nothing is meant to give offense just poking a bit of fun listening to some tunes on a Saturday night.

The work week went well hit a few issues with my voices on Friday evening as trying get some drawings out the door. Not really in the mood for work now and dealing with people which might make my voices very irritated. Need to do a little overtime tomorrow I am thankful of the blessing of a wage but mindful not to push myself to hard this year. My work is better this year as I get my person more online.

I feel myself getting better here I am glad I came but not really looking forward to moving back to Cobh but will do as I need but trying to figure a way out of it to keep the head clear of the place. I heard voices last night outside my door in the form of people in the house I was able to make them go away be just focusing on them. It was weird I don’t think I was able to do this before. Their not my main voices but I fell asleep I had a good nights sleep.

I am doing an energy course this weekend it is good my mood was a bit low but it definitely lifted my mood. I would recommend energy work it can be very beneficial and you feel great once you have done the time clearing stuff. It was nice to get card reading as well. I have been working a lot at grounding a lot lately. It is working but I sort of miss the highs that go with being not grounded you have a million ideas you Brain feels like it wired to car battery. It is like you are high on your own thoughts I feel like I am coming down which you sort of need to do. I remember this from before it takes me time to adjust to a Brain that just rabbits thought after thought after thought to less and less of this.

I don’t know if it qualifies as a condition other then the dreaded schizophrenia label people seem to shit themselves when I tell them. Not sure I really care as I have enough labels that don’t mean much to me but seems to matter a enormous amount to people who have known me a few years. Suddenly they find out or I tell them I instantly seem to morph into a three headed beast spitting fire.

To be fair after the initial shock most people handle it fairly well after they retreat to a safe place to recover from their reaction to what I now consider a challenging but safe and normal reaction to an abnormal situation (trauma) I believe Eleanor Longden said this (I think don’t quote me). See link to some more information to her here, https://www.psychosisresearch.com/news/dr-eleanor-longden-joins-psychosis-research-unit/ I believe this woman’s Ted Talk was a game changer for a lot of people it was for me when I saw it some years ago (more years than I care to think of) I had conversation to someone today he said the last 20 years flew, I though sure if you add a 0 to the 20, I am glad to be alive that said.

I have seen the look on the face when I have said I have the SCHIZPOHRENIA to one friend. He looked like he was going to push his head through the steering wheel, a reminder not to tell people when they are driving. Their reaction could cause a serious accident. I genially believe their reaction is that dangerous (ok I am kidding, like mostly)

So the reason I started writing this post and sort of interestingly meandered here was I mentioned to my sister that I still hear voices. The look on her face spoke volumes.

I believe she was utterly under the impression I did not hear voices which would well be more than a slightly untrue. She also believed someone who hears voices would not be able to work in an office. I agree it has been difficult in the office environment but not impossible. It has had its challenges but for the most part I have nearly always been able to channel my, lets say my high energy Brain into my work, at a more than a rapid rate and accuracy.

In a small office this has been useful to everyone they made money and I was employed. I have been doing this for more than 7-8 years after my last crash 14 years ago. I might add the ever so enlightened physiatrist at the time said I would never work again. Obviously I disagree with him having done the work under some fairly unusual states of mind. It can show the information my family was provided with (and cultural influence) on my first crash had a lasting impression. I know they have kids and more than their fair share of problems. It is just they where living under the belief that someone that hears voices can not work or basically function as a member of society. As a three headed monster I cannot express how untrue this is.

Now imagine you are already struggling and your family through no fault or their own view you in this way as well. You are already down and the medical team are also treating you the same way. They are giving you pills that are basically not working. Also in your belief system you are going through a spiritual awaking which you cannot really navigate without some help. So you are not to gone on pills which confuse your mind make your stomach feel sick and you are gaining wait at an alarming rate. Also seemed to cause a very unpleasant gout as side effect (ouch) .Try imagine that for a moment think what would you do. Go on I dare you come up with a cunning plan, I certainly spend enough nights trying. Heck even tried to implement a few with some success eventually. (took a few years and tears and smiles).

Sorry that was more serious than I thought it would be and went places I did not mean to go.

I was at hearing voices group today. I really enjoyed it. It was great to make the connection with people who can at least relate to some of your experiences. It lifted the mood and the time flew by. It was good to see some familiar friendly faces who where not going to judge you for having some really weird ass experiences you are trying to figure out. See link to one of their sites here. http://www.hearingvoicesusa.org/hvn-usa-groups-list/details/1/251-hvn-texas-online

I managed to get a little yoga and running in last week, ok like around the house for 10 mins roughly but it is a start to get back in to it. I am committing (no pun intended) here and now to stick at it 🙂

Wishing you love and light and keep up the Good fight my friends in the PC 🙂

Below is link to GoFundMe for self-care cards I am trying to get off the ground and help appreciated.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/selfcare-cards

Morning

Morning, hope this finds you well. Lovely morning here but bit cold. It is about -1 but it feels like -8. Be back working tomorrow from home so will probably not post for the week or so.

I had my first Hearing voices group yesterday. It is a support group for people for hear voices. It was very interesting, to hear some things discussed that I would not bother tell most people given the reactions I got in the past. The was a range of accents I would need to get used to. My attention can be poor but I was mostly present in the group. I really liked it. Chakras and energy was even mentioned which I was surprised at. I looking forward to attending more meetings and just see where it goes.

My body feels a bit sore from the experience of being attacked the night before in the night it feels like muscles are pulled odd experience might bring weekly group I joined. I had a good night sleep did half wake to voices saying something or other don’t pay much attention any more. I thing one woke me up saying “We know what you are”. Had some interesting dreams.

Started get well cards but ended up looking at making my own website. Looks like a bit of work but looks handy enough on WordPress. Send self care cards of to a councilor to have a quick look to see if anything political dodgy in them. I have 3 decks ready but liking the motivational and self-care cards might do these first as I can afford to get these printed up.

Might do a little work and exercise today but mostly just might chill with Netflix as back a full time job tomorrow. Had thought about God stuff below from my diary again I would not argue this stuff just a thought.

“Popped into my head today if you do not feel protected or annoyed at the divine for some reason or the bad thing happened. All good parents let their children learn and make their own mistakes otherwise how would they ever learn and grow and evolve. I feel this is one of the harsher things I have written in a while, but I believe there is truth to it.”

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Love and Light

Keep up the Good Fight

The Blessing of a New Day

Good morning it is a lovely morning here pictures attached. I am thankful for the blessing of another day also a break from where I live to get into the countryside. It really is a lovely spot.

I designed two Mother’s Day Cards yesterday I quite like them, the Sisters said they like them so as month goes on see where can get them printed up cheap ready for March. Plan to look at some get well cards today see how I do. Might do another Mother’s Day card see how I go.

It is great to see reactions to stuff I place on Facebook. Plan to promote the sight bit more but later in the month. The voices are much quitter this morning which is nice.

I had a good night’s sleep woke to some weird stuff. So woke up to slight sweat pains in my forearms and hands and hips and smell of rotten eggs and sensation in the stomach of something that should not be there, I heard a car driving off at the same time. Not sure what to make of it other than the pain is real and the weakness in my arms is real and my stomach feels off However, when I focus on it I can make it go away mostly. It sort of feels like there is something eating you but you cannot see it a bit unpleasant to say the least. I have gotten more than used to it over the years. I always associate it with some people and combination of voices I have interacted with over the years. I also note at least I am not in Cobh where I would hear many cars driving away and few folks messing about and laughing. I like Cobh and there is some brilliant people there but it appears to be a few bad apples as well. I have had the belief they followed me up the country a few times and other places for about 14 years now. I look forward to selling my house and moving to country on to a little land. Where I have more peace of mind.

I did little energy work which seems to reduce and clear the effect of the night. It should clear over the day. Might ask the Sister for some distance Reiki might clear a but faster. I went outside and stood on the grass little cold but it is lovely to feel the ground under your feet.

I am curious do any other people pick up on anything of my experiences but after asking many questions over the years I learned to stop asking as it is a waste of time. I count my blessings and set my intent to do a little exercise and little work before the day is done and try not to eat to much chocolate. I tell myself this knowing full well I will eat the chocolate but I think you are allowed this time of year, not sure my weighing scales agrees with me.

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Have a great day.

Love and light.

May the Divine Shower with Blessings.

10 Blessing to Note Today:

My body is Healthy and well.

It is a lovely morning.

I am getting bit of my own design work done.

It is a lovely quite spot here.

I am always grateful for my spiritual connection.

My mind/body is recovering every day

There are some lovely goldfish next to me quite happy swimming around there bowl.

I have designed 3 sets of cards ready to go into production later this month.

I have plenty of food and running water.

I can go for a quick run to clear the mind. Hope to do so now.

Self Care Cards

How we now, How we Now, How we now. I finished the self care cards delighted with myself. They are just small 50x50mm cards with tips & image, I used for self care over the years on my recovery. They are meant to be used for people in general but mostly for folk with the mental health giving a bit of bother. Could shuffle them and pick a card or two for inspiration or throw them in a jar and pick one. Could also use them for readings if that’s your thing.

Took a break for a while after cards done did little weights. I need to get back exercising my body it is gone very week. The Sister and Brother-in-law are treating me very well. I came her as did not fancy working from home again for another lock down. My mind is not perfect, but it is much better here less people around to be paranoid by. Still some intrusive imagery and get paranoid at odd car driving by but not much. Now I can deal with voices as opposed to people at the same time. Chilling listening to some tunes.

Did rough outline of Mother’s Day Cards I could sell on Facebook. They do not cost much to be made up. I like my designs. Would make a few quid nothing massive but it is not a big investment so worth the risk. Thinking of doing some get well cards as well.

Mostly just relaxing just letting the mind heal. One of the voices mentioned Cobh I have no idea why. I am not there it is just not in my mind. I am doing my best to make bank account look good so I can move out quickly when I find a house away from folk. The voices keep calling my projects arts and crafts, does not bother me either way I like the stuff I do. I have seen some lovely arts and crafts stuff, I have paid good money for. Anyone I showed my stuff to says it looks great. When my voices make a charge at me now it is unpleasant but I can handle it. It seems easier with less people around. Felt some connection to Spirit but at the moment just focusing on boundaries and grounding. Like to do energy work in the evening before go to bed

There is less bothering my mind here so can have a look at some projects for the year. See how much I can do before I get back to the Day job without placing to much pressure on myself. Hope your new years day is going well.

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Till next time.

Light and Love.

Keep up the good Fight

May your year be filled with blessings

Happy New Year/Despair to Hope

A new year.

A time for Hope.

A time for despair.

You choose.

So I have heard voices all my life. 14 years ago I hit the rocks ended up depressed for years and about 21 stone in weight. More or less sitting around broke and utterly miserable few suicide attempts in and out of mental health facilities. No money no job not exactly the happiest man you would speak to. No real hope for a future.

I would not recommend the experience. I made the decision about 6 years in get off my ass as I just could not continue as I was. Starting walking managed about a mile first day and nearly had a heart attack, I kept going and persisted badgered by voices every step of the way and my own inner demons. That decision lead me to wobble around three marathons and I have been working for the last 6 years. I have a strong faith in the Divine which helps.

I met the right people in circles and holistic healing course which brought me along leaps and bounds. It has not all been plane sailing. I have had many difficulties and pit stops along the way. So skip forward to this year my mind hit the same place it hit 14 years ago but this time I know from experience what to do or at least what not to do.

I eventually asked the right people for help the lock down here did not help. Also the fact I though I was invincible did not help either but eventually got the strength to ask for help. I choose to keep a positive outlook as best I could can be tricky with voices. Not sure if I won more than I lost but I set my intent and kept dusting myself off along the way. Learned about myself and others this year. I designed a set of cards for motivation and reading along the way hope to get them production next year. I ran a Facebook page to do motivational quotes during this time frame which I am very proud off given my state of mind. I have not had the need to be committed in about 9ish years which I am also very proud off it is extremely difficult to get off this circle of going in and out of mental institutions once it starts.

I think what differed this time to the last time was simply experience and just shear determination to not go back to where I was and of course a lot of help along the way from here and above. I am much better place now but of course like everyone still have work to do.

At any time during this year I could of simply choose utter disappear and done something that would of landed me right back in hospital or the morgue. I know as I have made decisions in the past that did so.

I guess what I am trying to say is you cannot choose what life throws at you but really can choose how to respond to it. I choose to what I can with what I have and not to forget to smile even if there are a few tears along the way.

Choose Hope not despair. You might be in the same situation but you would have at least some joy in your heart.

Happy new year

I wish you the best

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Just little extract from my diary (just give you some insight to where my mind is )as always take with a pinch of salt but never assume it is all mad. Best of luck figuring which. I use term V/P which cover voices or people which are getting hard to tell apart. Also just wondered do others have such experiences.

I would appear some local concerned V/P took the liberty to knock me right into trance/blackout with my mother in the room. I lose cognitive function just slightly did feel a lot of movement in energy in my hands and effect on my visuals. Like fluttering out of consciousness. I thought if I worked on my boundaries it would work and almost did and helped but did not stop them in the end. I believe had I my full cognitive capacity I would have left the room, which I believe I did not, I remind myself to do this in the future as it is safer. My mother was unaware of anything. I came do saying in my mind “I only work in love and light. I am asking you to leave.” Repeatedly. They then proceeded to show me imagery of horror stuff (intrusive thoughts) with the comment that is lovely imagery to have in your head. I was just coming out of slight black out and said I have whole universes in my head which looks so real I was convinced for a lot of my life they were, but they are not. I have imagery in my head of all sorts of heavenly and hellish things and I am not explaining it to anyone who just wonders by happily knocking me out, violating my being having their bit of fun and then fuckling off proud of themselves, they where messing around with local freak.

Did see two women walking off might of been them to paranoid to do much of anything. Once I regained me senses from this violation of my person. I said, I just do not care and just fuck off to V/P. It is my intent to repeat, as much as possible going forward and if they violate my mind just come back to my senses and tell them to kindly fuck off. One of the V/P would always argue I should not be around people as they are people with evil intention. I cannot really argue this anymore and hope to get out of here soon and away from such people as much as possible. I trust no one as they cannot be trusted but there are good people of course they are simply hard to see right now.

It can be tricky with V/P it seemed someone sneak into Neighbors and shouted something about move out you chancer., sort of hard to take this seriously other than I have meet many arseholes in my time. Also, neighbor’s dogs never went off so just ignoring, nice if I could keep nice flow like this when walking around it would be fun and on top of that there is some fucking thing interfering with my balls (tactile sensation) so 2020 apparently everyone is having a hard time. Which I am glad for the blessing of health for me and my family also keep my Uncle in mind as he has cancer. I am glad of the blessing of a new born in the family (safely & healthy for all involved). All of my family are clear of the bloody COVID-19 which is great. I am alive and breathing even came up with lovely slogan I got a giggle from. (will stick in picture at end) I have a roof over my head and technically still employed which is a blessing. I have a card with few quid to treat myself and someone else. I am surer of what I want to do in life, and I am excited to move forward with faith and hope in my heart. I am honestly curious were my life goes. Also, like Krishna Das has brilliant stuff if you are into chanting look him up on YouTube. I should throw him a few quid his stuff has helped me, wishing him well as he has Limes disease. I am thankful my Spiritual and Divine connection that comes through and has grown stronger. I just feel in the flow and happy to be alive. God is Good the Goddess is Good Life is good, but it is not all unicorns and rainbows. I reminded off cliché if it was not for the dark night how would we know the light. Sita Ram Sita Ram (Krishna Das song). I am thankful for new understanding of my being and others. I am thankful for the words Fuck Off I believe these will bring me much peace. I guess “No” would have done but hey some folks need clarifying. I am thankful for my ability to heal with help, to heal faster than I thought possible from a thing I would rather not speak off.

Sunny Day

Morning lovely day here in Cobh. The Sun is shining bit cold but lovely spot. So going to say some nice stuff before I go onto more embarrassing and just plain mad stuff. Maybe it is all mad I don’t know any more.

Below was meant to sound happy but when I typed it. Maybe its just a bit sad with a happy vibe mostly just like sad.

So went for a walk thought I might need a Hurley to defend myself as bit paranoid at the moment. I left it at home and was a bit surprised people where saying hello and a bit taken back as I truly believed they all wanted me dead. Picked up pace I guess I ignored some as just wanted to get home did my best even looked at one guy and said hello this is more than a bit unusual for me these days and very much try and avoid any contact with people. I trust no one as I have learned it is much safer this way. I think one guy called me a rat I just ignored him. I felt I picked up on emotions on the way around but I just ignored them. I have no idea what to do with this information. The dog got to have great run at a field I like to get to. Nice spot bit mucky at the moment but the dog loves it.

I realize typing this I was not doing as well as I thought but this is much better than I was doing few weeks ago. I kept thinking the thought “these thoughts are my own please leave them alone”. I believe people picked up on this. I think one woman may have actually tried to talk to me I think. I was in full flight paranoid mode and just tearing road so bit unlikely, I was going to stop for a chat. Might of been one woman threaten she just needs 5 minutes with me slightly off putting but just kept going. Have not really got the hang of going out yet but making progress.

I got around in one piece. Voices where going off on one did my best to ignore them as you would talk completely mad stuff if you engage even for a second and I mean really messed up stuff.

So slightly madder stuff below from my diary be prepared you might find odd stuff:

Small point to note people are happy to believe the voices in my head are my conscious. Also use the voices to call me mad. Also voices can be what you pick up and critical voices are never your conscious which is kind of important to note when hearing voice as this would be a serious problem otherwise and is a pain in the ass as is. You can learn a lot from critical voices I think their main vibe is sexual relations and to feel safe. Also some nasty stuff they picked up. Of course they express this in their own unique way. I heard a voice say hello coming into the park (sounded like a nice lady) I don’t think it was a person I don’t think it was a spirit I usually don’t do audio with them, It would be nice to have a positive voice for a change.

So below is of sort of a sexual nature these things can be experienced by voice hearers and I have my own unique take on it as always. When I use the term V/P I am not sure if it is people or voices messing me around. It can be very confusing given my life.

So I popped into the shower after walk and noticed certain parts of my body shall we say in the down stairs department stimulated and trust me there was no reason (honest no, really honest). This would be done in an abusive way there would not be much pleasure in it despite the body part mentioned trust me there is normal stuff and this stuff and you don’t want this stuff. I was just in the shower minding my business not thinking about anything of sexual nature. This followed a wonderful conversation with V/P that they wanted a sexual relation or masturbation. Which I have no real interest in at the moment as With intrusive imagery and thoughts it is not much interest and not very enjoyable. Also bit disgusting to be honest. This can be a thing that voice hearers have to deal with generally there can be sexual abuse in their past which seems to be related to this issue. Honestly I don’t think any one knows but there are theory’s. I have spoken online to woman with similar experiences they considered it rape on their person and nothing to be enjoyed despite what their body parts where doing.

So in slightly better news talking a little bit with a woman on watts app she does not seem in any rush just send her odd message at the moment it would be nice to meet up but the last two times she seems to be sick. So I don’t know if she is just stringing me along or really interested. We are going in and out of lockdown at moment. Not sure if I want a relationship I am really happy on my own I have spend most of my life on my own (I think I will keep it this way not sure at moment) and intend to move to house away from people as soon as I can.(Far Far Far Away). You don’t even want to know V/P are saying about this.

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

This was meant to be a happy post so I don’t think I achieved that at all. Below is my gratitude list.

I have two eyes that can see.

I have a roof over my head.

I have a lovely dog.

Cobh is lovely Spot to walk in with Spot the dog.

I am healing with support and still employed from the last very serious psychosis episode (attack on my person from V/P).

I got out for a walk and said hello to some people.

I am getting back into exercise which is great. Slowely

I have food in my belly.

It is a lovely day.

It is good to be alive even on the shit days I still feel blessed.

Light and Love

Keep up the good fight till nest time.

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—4

How we now this is continued on from God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—3.
So just want to summarize with few beliefs I have picked up and developed along the away with information I believe from the Divine as well. These are just my beliefs they are not meant to offend in anyway what’s so ever. I would not dream of arguing any of these with anyone as people are entitled to their beliefs some of which you need to figure out and come to yourself. Below extract from my personal diary tidied up a bit.

“How we now V/P went to have a go at my belief in God and science. I have no idea why. I can learn to adopt my beliefs as I go but no matter what I chose to believe in God/Goddess. I believe, I guess faith. I have done this blindly and I have tried and looked into things myself possibly guided to figure out stuff that has never or have not been done in a while I honestly don’t know. Other than when in a room with people that know their stuff and I kick off they give it labels I have no interest in. I am again greatly humbled by having experiences I would call Divine Love touching my life and heart when I was basically out of options this picked me up a lot.

Even when I was really in the shitter. I prayed I gave out to God (a little) I genuine believe there is no harm in this. God is more than able to take it just give him some thanks after. I had some old thoughts/beliefs about my hope science will figure out some stuff around the God stuff/Energy/conscious etc. that at least this part of science that will remain respected by all will actually become something else it’s a hope/belief not sure where form it originated from a while back.

I am not sure if I lost my faith once and just kept praying I can’t remember (I really struggled around my own sexual abuse as a child and others and the thought God sat by and just did nothing. I struggled with this a long time. I don’t remember if I came up with an answer. I cant remember now as lame as it sounds all I have in my head is God/Goddess is love and nothing else. Everything he/she does is out of love and would not want us to go through this. Part of my belief is we are here to learn and evolve and in my belief God surfers this pain to allow us to do so and I do mean pain.

As messed up as it sounds their have been incredible human beings born form absolute horror and also destroyed by it myself included . I don’t know. I know this sounds lame but again I am not God/Goddess and it is a belief, I came to from various experiences or guided to I cant remember there is to much in my head over the years. I need to get better at this part and grow more but I need to chill for a while. I would not argue this with anyone they are entitled to their beliefs as am I. I would never argue this as everyone makes their own piece with what they have.

I have other beliefs like this I would not dream of arguing with anyone people need to make their own piece with this or stay at war their call. I would always ask what that belief is benefiting for you and not argue with them. I pray like everyone else probably a lot less than everyone else (maybe I pray in my own way) one of the V/P asked why the Divine answered my call. The word love popped into my head. I mean I have tried hard to embrace compassion they mock me repeatedly because off this. I don’t know, I would imagine others have more love than I do like monks and stuff and like good people nurses etc. Honestly I don’t know. I have memory’s of things but I don’t know.

I have beliefs around certain things I got from mediation. They involve death at a young age and that they would have had such a painful life it was taken from them to begin again in a better life as fucked as that sounds. I have this belief it was feed back to me be a reliable medium that I know why this happens. Again this is my belief I would never argue with anyone, I feel this just fits with God/Goddess is Love. And again some children that live for a while can bring such light to the world it is incredible. I have no idea where this is all coming from other than it just feels right and I am crying with no idea why and the V/P are about to flip out. I work in love and light and ask them to leave. “

So that is my update for last while I got some cards designed during this time and believe I am blessed if a bit mad. I wish everyone well. I feel good and life is good. Enjoy the xmass and New Year. Might start posting again more regularly if I have anything interesting to post.

Until next time

Love and Light

Keep up the Good fight

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—3

This is carried on from God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—2. It took me many years to recover this involved realizing I hear voices that are not people along the way. Still believed V/P where working away in the background. Their where many experiences with myself and others I don’t think I should go into as they involve others.

Best as I can tell this sensitivity in my person can be used for some really weird stuff. Also I went off in the Divine vibe for a while and blessed energies sent my way from others I have no idea how any of it works also asked the Divine for blessings. I regret nothing but if I had to do over I would talk more and look peoples way as I was beyond not grounded from the abuse V/P and most of the time was not 100% sure what was going on but always asked for the highest resolution and best good for everything also placed Jesus and Angels central so as far as I am concerned it was all from the Divine and the highest good, I do not question them or God but realize I was over zealous like a lot but did the best with what I had at time. I learn as I grow and do better.

Also might be worth noting for last 14 years my thoughts seem to be able to be tuned into. It is really weird sometimes there is nothing and next you have all sorts of weird stuff going. It feels like people are talking to you but again there is no one there. Anyone I have asked has just flat out said no. So some of this might be able to be written off as mental illness as thought projection belief but I don’t think all of it can. This is really hard to tell and deeply confusing.

So fast forward to the lovely year of 2020. There was a psychic weekend, it was a lovely weekend with Tony StockWell he was on fire brilliant weekend. Highly recommend the guy there was another Divine event there great and everything but they seem to be followed by me being completely torn to pieces. I went through the same event that happened 14 years ago which brings up the most embracing stuff from your life teemed up with intrusive stuff is quite the wreaking ball again I associate it with V/P interference. So this is where it gets just a little weird. It would seem people in the community now seem to aware of the process and the stuff I am going through and naturally I am getting right weird reactions but mostly ignored. Which is great cause I am so not a people person. I don’t like the term schizophrenia but anyone with this label this is more or less their ultimate nightmare and mine. People keep their head down or act right weird and say stuff, I just ignore as they have done mostly to me for last while as I basically smiled and nodded at everyone like a complete Moran. This is not debatable so Fuck me Alice I just popped out of that rabbit hole going what the fuck.

I do my best to recover daily what took me years is now taking me weeks with a lot of help in particular one light worker who lives locally. I cannot thank her enough she seemed to figure out stuff about me in an instant which V/P would simply use to destroy me.

It would appear my reputation/mind/energies/body have more or less been completely plundered, raped and destroyed. (little dramatic perhaps but it does feel a little lie that at times)

I don’t seem to care as I genuinely believe divine love has touched my heart and it just keeps me alive even on the cranky ass days. I can be hard not to be cranky with the voices it’s like they drag your thoughts into stuff about you and others that’s not very nice. I do what I can. The Divine is Good.

Continued in Part 4