My meds and GP compliant 

It’s a wet Friday night where I am at. My mood is good as I hope is yours.

Practise yoga each morning for 15 mins. Sarahbethyoga on YouTube is very good if you feel so inclined. I am still terrible at some poses but getting the hang of others. Get some meditation most days. In practiseing mindfulness I have noted once again my incredible ability to have an imaginary argument in my mind. It truly amazes me I get up in the morning and try some what haphazardly to practise yoga then as soon as I get to make breakeast I am having an imaginary argument in my mind. I become aware of it usually fairly fast and stop it in its tracks just to start a completely new argument 30 secs later it’s pure gas. I think this is among the reasons the voices in my mind call me the angriest man in the world. I believe there is a lot of anger and frustration at things in my past and present which I must learn to focus in a positive way.

I found myself constantly arguing in my mind about taking medication which I believe has not helped my position. Upon my GP not going for a reduction in my meds and said he would set up meeting with psychiatrist which I have no faith in, which I mentioned in previous post . I was annoyed and made a complaint to some medical board. I think it was 2 weeks ago . I promptly forgot about it and did not think it would amount to much. I received an email a day or two ago saying they acknowledged my email and would review in some committee.

 I went to my GP today to get my injection and had not realised they had informed my GP. Which led to a very tricky conversation in which he started typing out what I was saying. He said he could not treat me and said he would look into another GP giving me my injection. Does not bother me to much did not think much of him as GP. He said it was causing him a lot of stress. I had no clue what to say. I don’t think I will see much of him anymore. He also said it would be difficult to treat me in future as I may make a compliant about him, not sure what to make of that statement.

No clue what will happen. The compliants board asked me to produce any evidence to support my complaint. I might ask around for advice to see what people say. I really did not think they would take someone like me seriously but they seem to be.

Other than odd conversation with my now ex-GP. Just working away doing my think trying to make time for WordPress but not feeling it these days so watching Ted Talks on app on iPad . There is some great stuff on it. 

Doing bit more running these days trying to enjoy it. Not doing much just 3miles a few times a week.

Well that’s my update.😀

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

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Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

My Meds

Was just out for morning walk with dog thankfully got back before the rain feeling in Good mood.

Asked the doctor yesturday about reducing my dosage of risperdol but he said no. He said he would set up a appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss if I wanted. I know what psychiatrist would say before I go so I said I would think about it. The doctor asked me are the voices just in the back ground now I replied the meds have never affected the voices they have always been there. He quickly jumped to but the paranoia and thoughts of people after you would you be able to control this without meds. I should of said I have been learning by trial and error for years now and the bloody meds have never done what psychiatrist have promised but I could see he had his mind made up. For a doctor giving me various meds for last 10 years or so I believe he knows very little about my state of mind. I have been telling people around me that the meds do very little if anything for a year or so but no one seems to hear or be interested in this statement. They believe the meds and not hard work I have been putting in of just getting on with things is the reason I am doing well now. I find it amazing that everyone around me seems to know what’s going on in my head better than me ?

I was given information about someone who came off these type of meds before and the GP they have worked with. I send email to the GP to see what they will say. If they will work with me it would meaning changing GP and wrestling control of the meds from my mother. If this happens there will be much grief but I think it’s worth it. I can’t believe the only decision I have ever made in 10 years on meds is the one to reduce my dosage last year which my family flipped out at and rang my GP who almost changed his mind. OK rant over.

I can have trouble sleeping the meditation really helps to get back to sleep with a bit of effort. When you check online insomnia is listed as side effect of risperdol but my GP is denying this it’s hard to tell who to trust about the subject. I have asked about 3side effects I found online and my GP has denied all of them I don’t bother even ask any more. OK rant definitely over.

Still doing meditation and yoga the instructor mentioned 15 mins of yoga each morning is better than an hour class once a week been doing 15 mins of yoga each morning since. I will still go to class more to just get used to be around be people.

Work seems to be going well. There is a yoga day next weekend might give it a go see what happens.

Hope this post finds you well.🙂

Keep up the good fight.✊🏾

Thi Chi & The voices are quite I wonder what there up too.

I am enjoying a lazy Saturday afternoon about to put on dinner. Hope this post finds you well.

Tried Thi Chi workshop thing this morning. It was interesting. The Thi chi was bit confusing but interesting. She is starting class’s next month might join them. It was mostly woman in class I spoke to 2 people in the time I was there.

She had tea break half way through, which meant people were talking to each other. I still find it amazing how absolutely alone I feel in a room full of people talking. I felt my mood go downhill but kept a mantra I use in my mind in conjunction with some breathing and got through break with out leaving mood drop to low.

She did ask did people get tinkling in there hands during excercise. She called this Chi I did not mention anything as I get sensations in my hands all the time not sure if same thing.

One of the meditations she did you had to focus on people you love and trust. I was utterly fucked if I could thing of people so just smiled to myself and thought it was a bit sad I could think of just about no one I trust that really gets me, I did think of my blog and some of people n here but not sure how to work that into meditation 😉but it did not bother me more then that.

I continue to mix and match various meditations depending on my mood and time. I thing it does help the mind. I can mostly see a train of thought go down a negative path early on and just focus on my breath and mantra or just blank my mind. It stops the flow of negative or just plain mad thoughts from going into full swing. It is also super relaxing. Some nights my legs and arms would be absolutely roasting from it. I believe this is effect of autogenics.

I have only done a few yoga classes but I believe already I can feel a difference in just general moving around. It just seems less achy which is great. There was only one woman in last class with myself I even spoke to her briefly, which I considered a minor victory.

I continue to just interact with my voices just at night time when I play sounds of the forest. They are mostly quiet. To be fair they used to say a lot to stop talking to them. I am finding I am paying more attention to people around me and trying to talk to them more, not sure how I come across but I guess if I am not talking to my voices I need someone to talk to.

On another note I sometimes wonder was the world always this crazy with the stuff in the news.and If you went back 1000years was it still as mad. I just wonder from time to time.

I have rambled on long enough. I am off to make dinner.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

TRE & Yoga

It’s raining heavy here, I don’t mind it I sort of like the sound and watching the rain. 

I have been to 3 Yoga classes there grand but I am about as flexible as a brick. It’s mostly woman in the class which suits me as just trying to get used to being around woman more. It’s harder than you would think, I was happy to get through the class the last time. Plan to go every Wednesday see how I get on. It’s nice having it in middle of the week it breaks up the week. It’s about 5 minutes up the road from work which is handy.

Last weekend did embodied wisdom workshop for the day. It involved TRE and inner dance type stuff. The TRE was interesting you just do some excercise stuff until your body shakes. I believe it is meant to realise trauma from the body, with practise it is meant to help past trauma which would be useful. Got email summary of what to do with it a day or so ago plan to practise it during week. It was an interesting day I thing one of the woman might of been half interested in me but not sure she might have been just friendly. She was nice to talk to did not act stuiped around her she had very relaxing energy. I had enough of being around people by the end of the day and just took off but meet some very interesting people on workshop.

Have booked some sort of thi chi workshop for next weekend hopefully be interesting. Something to look forward to. 😀

I have continued to mostly not engage with the voices but turn on some sounds at night and try engage with them for half hour or so. They usually express anger during this time frame but it has been mostly quite during the day. To be honest it can be a bit boring not engaging with the voices.

Still practising different types of meditation. It can be hard sometimes to quite the mind but it works a charm from time to time. I believe the autogenics practise is helping personal issues I am having.

I used to think my eyes just watered a bit during meditation but not sure now I think I let loose a tear or two in some types of meditation not sure what to make of it but I don’t see any harm in it. I have not really seen many images when I meditate for a week or so it’s grand not sure if it will stay that way or if I want it to.

Hope your week goes well😉

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

Hearing Voices and meditation.

TW slight mention of CSA.

All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.

I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them. 

While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.

My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.

I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either.  I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.

Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self 😉

On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.

The good with the bad

Trigger warning mention of CSA 

Just want to jot down some good and bad points of my week.

I came out to work a while back about having the label schizophrenia. They seemed fine about it. 

I have a habit of laughing when engaging with the voices in my mind from time to time. I got paranoid that people in work where thinking I was laughing at them and hated me. I sent boss email during week saying if people have an issue with me laughing from time to time to myself that they should check link below about 30 secs in woman explains she was laughing to herself having conversation in her head (video is about 1:30 secs long worth look interesting woman)

SchizophreniaNYC
I got email few days later saying they would have a meeting to discuss and he would like to bring woman in office into meeting. It went fine they asked how they could help with my situation and asked what it was like to be schizophrenic. I have never really talked to someone about what it was like had no clue what to say. I said I can be paranoid people where against me. And he agreed that I could send an email to himself or woman if I was having an issue around something to check if it was an issue (this could prove really useful as I can get worked up and paranoid about trivial events) They also said they never noticed me laughing that I just came across as quite and did my work and went home and would never have guessed I was schizophrenic. I mentioned it was important to me that someone with my label is able to hold down a job just like everyone else. They said they where very happy with my work it was good to hear this. So it looks like I am genuinely paranoid about things hmmm……

I also noticed I could not say the word schizophrenic I kept saying someone with my label. I really don’t associate myself with the word. I also described my thoughts as interactive as in they talk back to me. All in all I believe I represented someone with my label well.

I went to yoga during the week, I was about as flexible as a brick but I enjoyed it will go back.

I also got the notion to start a local voice hearing group at weekends but no clue how. Got on to guy that knows something about this stuff by email he was on holidays but asked by email would I be interested in being on the committee of the voice hearing group I said I would be interested. No clue what I would need to do but be interesting to see where it goes. He’s back end of month.

After all this positive stuff I felt very strong tactile sensation (someone touching your body when no one is there) in part of my body that was most traumatised by sexual abuse as a kid.(it can feel like a reproduction of the abuse) The voices claimed they where raping me and I was enjoying it. To say I was jumping around the chair a bit would be understated but as usual I got my work done and got through the day. This can be a very stressful situation but when I went for a walk at lunch I pointed out to the voices I had not got upset with them and start fighting with them which at times is all they seem to want. The positive energy in me was strong enough to hold out. I can feel it at the moment I can’t help but think part of me can’t accept things are going well and almost needs to feel traumatised but I am not a child anymore and not a victim whatever my body feels my mind is free.

Keep up the good fight.🙂