My meds and GP compliant 

It’s a wet Friday night where I am at. My mood is good as I hope is yours.

Practise yoga each morning for 15 mins. Sarahbethyoga on YouTube is very good if you feel so inclined. I am still terrible at some poses but getting the hang of others. Get some meditation most days. In practiseing mindfulness I have noted once again my incredible ability to have an imaginary argument in my mind. It truly amazes me I get up in the morning and try some what haphazardly to practise yoga then as soon as I get to make breakeast I am having an imaginary argument in my mind. I become aware of it usually fairly fast and stop it in its tracks just to start a completely new argument 30 secs later it’s pure gas. I think this is among the reasons the voices in my mind call me the angriest man in the world. I believe there is a lot of anger and frustration at things in my past and present which I must learn to focus in a positive way.

I found myself constantly arguing in my mind about taking medication which I believe has not helped my position. Upon my GP not going for a reduction in my meds and said he would set up meeting with psychiatrist which I have no faith in, which I mentioned in previous post . I was annoyed and made a complaint to some medical board. I think it was 2 weeks ago . I promptly forgot about it and did not think it would amount to much. I received an email a day or two ago saying they acknowledged my email and would review in some committee.

 I went to my GP today to get my injection and had not realised they had informed my GP. Which led to a very tricky conversation in which he started typing out what I was saying. He said he could not treat me and said he would look into another GP giving me my injection. Does not bother me to much did not think much of him as GP. He said it was causing him a lot of stress. I had no clue what to say. I don’t think I will see much of him anymore. He also said it would be difficult to treat me in future as I may make a compliant about him, not sure what to make of that statement.

No clue what will happen. The compliants board asked me to produce any evidence to support my complaint. I might ask around for advice to see what people say. I really did not think they would take someone like me seriously but they seem to be.

Other than odd conversation with my now ex-GP. Just working away doing my think trying to make time for WordPress but not feeling it these days so watching Ted Talks on app on iPad . There is some great stuff on it. 

Doing bit more running these days trying to enjoy it. Not doing much just 3miles a few times a week.

Well that’s my update.😀

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

Advertisements

Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

My Meds

Was just out for morning walk with dog thankfully got back before the rain feeling in Good mood.

Asked the doctor yesturday about reducing my dosage of risperdol but he said no. He said he would set up a appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss if I wanted. I know what psychiatrist would say before I go so I said I would think about it. The doctor asked me are the voices just in the back ground now I replied the meds have never affected the voices they have always been there. He quickly jumped to but the paranoia and thoughts of people after you would you be able to control this without meds. I should of said I have been learning by trial and error for years now and the bloody meds have never done what psychiatrist have promised but I could see he had his mind made up. For a doctor giving me various meds for last 10 years or so I believe he knows very little about my state of mind. I have been telling people around me that the meds do very little if anything for a year or so but no one seems to hear or be interested in this statement. They believe the meds and not hard work I have been putting in of just getting on with things is the reason I am doing well now. I find it amazing that everyone around me seems to know what’s going on in my head better than me ?

I was given information about someone who came off these type of meds before and the GP they have worked with. I send email to the GP to see what they will say. If they will work with me it would meaning changing GP and wrestling control of the meds from my mother. If this happens there will be much grief but I think it’s worth it. I can’t believe the only decision I have ever made in 10 years on meds is the one to reduce my dosage last year which my family flipped out at and rang my GP who almost changed his mind. OK rant over.

I can have trouble sleeping the meditation really helps to get back to sleep with a bit of effort. When you check online insomnia is listed as side effect of risperdol but my GP is denying this it’s hard to tell who to trust about the subject. I have asked about 3side effects I found online and my GP has denied all of them I don’t bother even ask any more. OK rant definitely over.

Still doing meditation and yoga the instructor mentioned 15 mins of yoga each morning is better than an hour class once a week been doing 15 mins of yoga each morning since. I will still go to class more to just get used to be around be people.

Work seems to be going well. There is a yoga day next weekend might give it a go see what happens.

Hope this post finds you well.🙂

Keep up the good fight.✊🏾

Hearing Voices and meditation.

TW slight mention of CSA.

All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.

I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them. 

While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.

My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.

I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either.  I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.

Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self 😉

On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.

The good with the bad

Trigger warning mention of CSA 

Just want to jot down some good and bad points of my week.

I came out to work a while back about having the label schizophrenia. They seemed fine about it. 

I have a habit of laughing when engaging with the voices in my mind from time to time. I got paranoid that people in work where thinking I was laughing at them and hated me. I sent boss email during week saying if people have an issue with me laughing from time to time to myself that they should check link below about 30 secs in woman explains she was laughing to herself having conversation in her head (video is about 1:30 secs long worth look interesting woman)

SchizophreniaNYC
I got email few days later saying they would have a meeting to discuss and he would like to bring woman in office into meeting. It went fine they asked how they could help with my situation and asked what it was like to be schizophrenic. I have never really talked to someone about what it was like had no clue what to say. I said I can be paranoid people where against me. And he agreed that I could send an email to himself or woman if I was having an issue around something to check if it was an issue (this could prove really useful as I can get worked up and paranoid about trivial events) They also said they never noticed me laughing that I just came across as quite and did my work and went home and would never have guessed I was schizophrenic. I mentioned it was important to me that someone with my label is able to hold down a job just like everyone else. They said they where very happy with my work it was good to hear this. So it looks like I am genuinely paranoid about things hmmm……

I also noticed I could not say the word schizophrenic I kept saying someone with my label. I really don’t associate myself with the word. I also described my thoughts as interactive as in they talk back to me. All in all I believe I represented someone with my label well.

I went to yoga during the week, I was about as flexible as a brick but I enjoyed it will go back.

I also got the notion to start a local voice hearing group at weekends but no clue how. Got on to guy that knows something about this stuff by email he was on holidays but asked by email would I be interested in being on the committee of the voice hearing group I said I would be interested. No clue what I would need to do but be interesting to see where it goes. He’s back end of month.

After all this positive stuff I felt very strong tactile sensation (someone touching your body when no one is there) in part of my body that was most traumatised by sexual abuse as a kid.(it can feel like a reproduction of the abuse) The voices claimed they where raping me and I was enjoying it. To say I was jumping around the chair a bit would be understated but as usual I got my work done and got through the day. This can be a very stressful situation but when I went for a walk at lunch I pointed out to the voices I had not got upset with them and start fighting with them which at times is all they seem to want. The positive energy in me was strong enough to hold out. I can feel it at the moment I can’t help but think part of me can’t accept things are going well and almost needs to feel traumatised but I am not a child anymore and not a victim whatever my body feels my mind is free.

Keep up the good fight.🙂

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀

Sensations With schizophrenia and meditation 

Did nice easy Maff aerobic run this morning. It was nice and sunny. Running on an empty stomach straight away in the morning does not seem to bother me but I enjoy my breakfast when I eventually get to it. My pace at going up inclines seems to be getting better by over half a minute in the last week or two. Which makes running much easier. I really am enjoying my running at the moment.

I continue to meditate. Which can give me a very relaxed feeling in my body espically my arms. I continue to get sensations of relaxation in my head during the working day. It’s nice I guess. The only way to describe it is the relaxed sensation I used to get when tipsy just without all the side effects of alcohol. I feel this sensation as I write this. The voices claim they are responsible for this. Not sure if I believe this.

I was watching a film the other day and felt something tap my forehead. Which seemed to cause an intense feeling of relaxation transfer down into my hands. I then sat in a meditative position (I was in my room) and continued to watch the rest of the film feeling content with myself. I did not get the feeling of anxiety I usually get from films, which can cause me to turn off the film.

I woke up the other night , I usually wake around 3, with a very intense sensation in my hands. I would only describe it as raging sensation of relaxation in my hands. I have been woken to strange sensations before but rarely a pleasant type.

I continue to see images when I meditate, but not as much lately, not sure what to make of these so just let them play out as long as they are not to unpleasant.

I have had sensations before with my diagnosis but with the meditation they seen to be mostly pleasant enough. I think the problem starts when I start to put meaning to them like someone else is causing them. I will continue to meditate and just stay grounded as I can and try not to let my mind make connections between things that are not there but I think this is just how my mind works. So I am just trying to sit back and observe all these type of thoughts and just not get swept along with them.

Did my best at work to relax and try to get along with people , I think it’s working but I can be a bit demanding when I am trying to get work out and expect a lot from people and myself.  I think woman who was unhappy with me has relaxed a bit but time will tell. I am still very stressed around here and try to avoid her.

Watched a Ted talk from a monk about the link between great fullness and happiness. It’s worth a look if you have time.  Link to Ted Talks

So all in all I got through the week so I happy enough at that.😅 Now just Need to relax for weekend to prepare for new week. 😉

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.🏃🏼👌🏽🐒