Open Communication

Hope your well. Another week down another few quid made. I am sitting in Mitchelstown listening to Luke Kelly on my favorite Irish music list see link to Spotify below. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CLrbYePy72EaImbw90XGs also eating hula hoops. What more could a happy man want. My Voices are going off in the background and some unpleasant tactile sensations but nothing I am not used to. I touch on few topics below as always nothing is meant to give offense just poking a bit of fun listening to some tunes on a Saturday night.

The work week went well hit a few issues with my voices on Friday evening as trying get some drawings out the door. Not really in the mood for work now and dealing with people which might make my voices very irritated. Need to do a little overtime tomorrow I am thankful of the blessing of a wage but mindful not to push myself to hard this year. My work is better this year as I get my person more online.

I feel myself getting better here I am glad I came but not really looking forward to moving back to Cobh but will do as I need but trying to figure a way out of it to keep the head clear of the place. I heard voices last night outside my door in the form of people in the house I was able to make them go away be just focusing on them. It was weird I don’t think I was able to do this before. Their not my main voices but I fell asleep I had a good nights sleep.

I am doing an energy course this weekend it is good my mood was a bit low but it definitely lifted my mood. I would recommend energy work it can be very beneficial and you feel great once you have done the time clearing stuff. It was nice to get card reading as well. I have been working a lot at grounding a lot lately. It is working but I sort of miss the highs that go with being not grounded you have a million ideas you Brain feels like it wired to car battery. It is like you are high on your own thoughts I feel like I am coming down which you sort of need to do. I remember this from before it takes me time to adjust to a Brain that just rabbits thought after thought after thought to less and less of this.

I don’t know if it qualifies as a condition other then the dreaded schizophrenia label people seem to shit themselves when I tell them. Not sure I really care as I have enough labels that don’t mean much to me but seems to matter a enormous amount to people who have known me a few years. Suddenly they find out or I tell them I instantly seem to morph into a three headed beast spitting fire.

To be fair after the initial shock most people handle it fairly well after they retreat to a safe place to recover from their reaction to what I now consider a challenging but safe and normal reaction to an abnormal situation (trauma) I believe Eleanor Longden said this (I think don’t quote me). See link to some more information to her here, https://www.psychosisresearch.com/news/dr-eleanor-longden-joins-psychosis-research-unit/ I believe this woman’s Ted Talk was a game changer for a lot of people it was for me when I saw it some years ago (more years than I care to think of) I had conversation to someone today he said the last 20 years flew, I though sure if you add a 0 to the 20, I am glad to be alive that said.

I have seen the look on the face when I have said I have the SCHIZPOHRENIA to one friend. He looked like he was going to push his head through the steering wheel, a reminder not to tell people when they are driving. Their reaction could cause a serious accident. I genially believe their reaction is that dangerous (ok I am kidding, like mostly)

So the reason I started writing this post and sort of interestingly meandered here was I mentioned to my sister that I still hear voices. The look on her face spoke volumes.

I believe she was utterly under the impression I did not hear voices which would well be more than a slightly untrue. She also believed someone who hears voices would not be able to work in an office. I agree it has been difficult in the office environment but not impossible. It has had its challenges but for the most part I have nearly always been able to channel my, lets say my high energy Brain into my work, at a more than a rapid rate and accuracy.

In a small office this has been useful to everyone they made money and I was employed. I have been doing this for more than 7-8 years after my last crash 14 years ago. I might add the ever so enlightened physiatrist at the time said I would never work again. Obviously I disagree with him having done the work under some fairly unusual states of mind. It can show the information my family was provided with (and cultural influence) on my first crash had a lasting impression. I know they have kids and more than their fair share of problems. It is just they where living under the belief that someone that hears voices can not work or basically function as a member of society. As a three headed monster I cannot express how untrue this is.

Now imagine you are already struggling and your family through no fault or their own view you in this way as well. You are already down and the medical team are also treating you the same way. They are giving you pills that are basically not working. Also in your belief system you are going through a spiritual awaking which you cannot really navigate without some help. So you are not to gone on pills which confuse your mind make your stomach feel sick and you are gaining wait at an alarming rate. Also seemed to cause a very unpleasant gout as side effect (ouch) .Try imagine that for a moment think what would you do. Go on I dare you come up with a cunning plan, I certainly spend enough nights trying. Heck even tried to implement a few with some success eventually. (took a few years and tears and smiles).

Sorry that was more serious than I thought it would be and went places I did not mean to go.

I was at hearing voices group today. I really enjoyed it. It was great to make the connection with people who can at least relate to some of your experiences. It lifted the mood and the time flew by. It was good to see some familiar friendly faces who where not going to judge you for having some really weird ass experiences you are trying to figure out. See link to one of their sites here. http://www.hearingvoicesusa.org/hvn-usa-groups-list/details/1/251-hvn-texas-online

I managed to get a little yoga and running in last week, ok like around the house for 10 mins roughly but it is a start to get back in to it. I am committing (no pun intended) here and now to stick at it 🙂

Wishing you love and light and keep up the Good fight my friends in the PC 🙂

Below is link to GoFundMe for self-care cards I am trying to get off the ground and help appreciated.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/selfcare-cards

So their are positive Voices too.

Hello it’s a nice morning here in Cobh in Cork bit overcast but it’s not cold or raining. My dog is currently full of beans after the walk this morning and would probably keep going for hours.

Working away at the moment just looking forward to the break at Christmas. I took week off before Christmas as I find this time of year tough so on the plus side I have only 2 weeks left to work this year. Fairly busy at work, worked 2 Saturday’s as well as the week days but did nothing this weekend and it was good to relax. I am just focusing on getting through last 2 weeks and not get to bothered about anything.

I gained some weight in last few weeks but it is starting to come down very slowly it’s probably side effect of meds as really don’t overeat much. I am quite chuffed My headstand in yoga is coming along a bit I can only hold it for 10 to 15 seconds but it’s not easy also it is making my shoulders and arms noticeably stronger. That’s not me in picture below it’s just to give you an idea what it looks like. I look a bit wobbly doing mine.

I have my usual voices which can be angry and critical some of which are very interested in sex these days. Slightly after a reduction in meds I noticed I can have positive voices which seem to help the situation for example in work they might point out something I forgot , their not constant but help from time to time. I am not used to this but the change is nice. I don’t mind the critical voices and am used to them but a change of pace is nice.

Got a little carried away on Black Friday but no big deal overtime at work covered most of it. I just felt a compulsion to buy stuff ended up with a new cooker and new gear for motor bike 🤷‍♂️

I guess I am as mad as ever, I believe I feel energy and stuff which effects me and the people around me in different ways. I see much imagery during guided meditation spirit animals and such it can be very interesting and I believe can help. I guess it is also important to remember this is a human journey as well as a spiritual one and to stay grounded.😉 I don’t share this information with people as I know there response from previous experiences I have shared and it ain’t good. As mad as I might be I get by and make a living.

Hope your well and have a good day.

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾👊🏾✊🏾👊🏾

A Safe and Peaceful place

Hello hope your well, sending positive vibes your way.

Just spend last few days in a cabin with no running water and electricity. You might be wondering why I would do such a thing. What is the mad twit up to now.

It was a yoga style retreat on Galway , the link is Willow Retreat . The person running it has a chat and decides what program would suit you for the weekend. I started feeling a bit frazzled and felt genuinely centered when finished. She is a hugger which took a little getting used to given my issues around personal space and touching, but got right into swing of it on the last day, now I almost feel like hugging everybody (I have no intentions to Incase your worried) but would like a hug now and then 😉.

I read parts of some books there one was The Untheredsoul . It had a very profound effect on how I viewed my mind, I have ordered it and intend to finish it. I would recommend it to any one with a troubled mind.

I went for a walk this morning and just felt a connection to things in nature, especially trees they just seem more interesting now. I tried not to act defensively to stuff with mostly success.

Took today off just to ease back into things. I have a daily practice from the weekend I intend to practice, I will start tonight. I intend to tidy the house and get a load of washing on first.

I feel I have a new viewpoint to at least try to stop putting up barriers, and just feel everything the world is and just do my best to remain centered and try not to store energy from stuff in my past and let energy around me, to just filter through and try to just be aware of it. Without storing any of it. Will see how it goes.😎

I would really recommend the retreat, can’t speak more highly of it.

Trying to get into habit of writing fiction when my head is busy see link below if your interested only few stories so far.

Fiction

Love this song by oh wonder it’s very relaxing worth a listen it popped up on my mind few times over weekend. Oh Wonder

Have a good day hope the universe sends blessings your way and you learn to grow from your troubles.

Keep up the good fight. ✊🏻✊🏾😉

Tapering and other odd events.

The weather is still nice here in Cobh. Decided to have at least one lazy day a week, I guess this is it. Work is going well and I feel good at the moment.

About 4 weeks ago the tapering process came up a cropper. I woke on a Monday morning and suddenly felt massive irrational irritation and my voices went utterly ballistic. Things which I find to uncomfortable to blog about but which I relate to CSA as a kid resurfaced, this was upsetting but manageable. It was a challenge to say the least so I booked two days off work. I think one week in work I came up with weird and odd ways of dealing with voices every day.

I also decided given my precarious position to let work know my meds were being adjusted and not to panic it would sort itself out in few weeks. Also mentioned I had noticed some side effects and was unsure what people had noticed. They seemed ok about it.

To describe it, imagine on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being not really annoyed to 10 flipping out, my knee jerk reaction to just about everything was 7 or 8. It made the week interesting but I kept my cool if anyone noticed anything I don’t think it was Major.

Also noticed feeling almost high and low quite a few times in the space of about 5 minutes. Again I did my best to notice these feelings and let them pass on by. Also intensely aware of intense emotions which I seemed to associate to my voices , which they claimed they were using to attack me, but I couldn’t help but feel this is how they felt at the time. I did my best not to get swept away in the emotions and simply smile and let the emotions alone and some space without getting absorbed in to them.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks but last 2 week or so this has all slowly eased off. I have decided to go back to interacting with voices after 10 in the day. I try not to interact with them to much at work at moment as they are more pissed than usual. That said I have had a very quite few days recently.

I have had dizzy spells again this week and felt nauseous. At times I found it difficult to walk in a straight line. Depending who you ask all this would be a sign of tapering or the odd label I have been given or my odd head being my odd head.

I am happy and will argue to leave my current dosage of meds alone and see were I am at in 3 months.

The meditation continues to be of benefit which allows me to sleep well even when my mind is extremely busy. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit so might write these in another blog just to get them out of my head there mostly mad stuff but when I write them down there is usually something interesting about my life experience in them. Probably do light run in the morning. Doing little strength training at the moment with little yoga but nothing spectacular.

Still going strong as a vegetarian , have also cut out cream and nearly all cheese.😎

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻

Thoughts on Course on Schizophrenia

It’s a lovely day here in Cork in Cobh. Just lazing around at the moment taking it easy after mornings walk with my Sister and ever energetic dog.

Been studying course on abnormal psychology, I might add I find the course title offensive. I still like the line by Eleanor Longden – A normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I might have paraphrased slightly. This line literally changed the way I view the label I have been given and voice hearing experience I have. I believe it was one of the very strong reasons I have changed my life from were it was.

The course I am studying at the moment covers a range of topics in a very short time frame. One of them was on addictions, on my assignment the comments I got back mentioned this was one of the better assignments on this topic the Tudor had marked. It did not let me express my complete disagreement with the large amount of the subject matter of the course.

This was particularly true for the part of the course I just completed on schizophrenia and psychosis. It mentioned people with schizophrenia have impaired intellect and will need lifelong financial and emotional support, they will also not work again given the intellectual impairment and also require lifelong treatment of anti psychotic medication. The only words I can express towards this is go fuck yourselves, sorry forgive my language. I have the label I work just as well as others in what can be a high pressure environment. I function fairly well socially albeit this is not one of my strong points. I am owed money by people and budget excellently. I have read about and personally meet with people who can survive without anti psychotic meds and have this label.

They also mentioned people with the label like their personal space and are socially withdrawn. They did not mention that research on people with the label, that 70% are likely to have experienced a serious trauma in their life. Might be worth mentioning that Buddhists consider all life trauma. I personally experienced child abuse at very young age. I am protective of my personal space as I believe I learned a massive distrust of people and what they do in your personal space at a very young age. It’s hard to shake this off at an unconscious level. I would consider this a learnt behavior to adopt to my environment from my past not a sign of some mental disease or disorder.

I like to interact with people to a point but most of the time I am genuinely happier on my own. I find it uncomfortable to be around people in social setting for long periods of time but I do enjoy a good conversation from time to time, which I find good for my head space. I consider this a personality trait not a sign of some disease.

Also worth mentioning that my voices took umbrage to being called an hallucination. Given the content of what they come up with most of the time is based around my childhood abuse and current difficulties it’s hard to argue with them. Their pissed I am even writing this. I can’t help but feel my voices can have their own character and to just write them off as an hallucination well is to just misunderstand the situation. That said it can be a challenging experience but last week during work I was bored out of my tree. I interacted with them while working and the day flew by. It’s kind of like talking to someone while you work. They are usually pissed about something and I end up taking the piss out of them and struggle to suppress a laugh in the office at work at them.

Was chatting to sister about this stuff, I mentioned that people coming out of sleep can experience voices, noises and visions. Granted I can experience these during the day but it’s close to what I can experience. She was not fully convinced but I will work on her give me time😉 . I have noticed this slightly more lately but it’s usually pleasant conversation and does not stress me out.

If the subject matter of the course I am doing is representation of what MH professionals are thought dear god help anyone under their care.

Also I noticed even though the drugs are called anti psychotic medication. A syndrome they can cause is called neuroleptic malignant syndrome not anti psychotic malignant syndrome. If the syndrome is called neuroleptic why isn’t the medication called neuroleptic medication as I have noted some people make a point of doing so. I might be just paranoid but it’s like some people are trying to distance themselves from this life threatening syndrome.

Also if anyone in England is reading this their is a mother who’s boy was killed by this syndrome, she is trying to get signatures to get government in England to look at training for people in hospitals to deal with autism and avoid this ever happening again.Please sign if you get a chance, below is link to twitter and petition

Petition

@PaulaMac007 is were you can find info. on Twitter

Ok so rant over. I continue to taper my meds to see what happens but I am happy at were I am at even if I have a long way to go. Joined some groups on Facebook which have useful information and people to give some support.

I still find mindfulness nearly impossible but intent to make more of an effort. I love meditation, it’s probably the only reason I sleep given my super active mind. Doing little running but nothing to intense just nice an easy. Still love yoga and practice most mornings. I think I mentioned a type of meditation were you just think about being grateful for stuff in your life. It might sound cheesy but it’s working for me. Things in the past such as noise from dishwasher and washing machine would have annoyed me but now I appreciate the time they save me to do other stuff like blogging. My mind for the most part is quite happy with itself.

Now I am considering having a little dance to some music, I guess it sounds silly on my own but its what OSHO meditation is about and I can enjoy it.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight.✊🏻

Tapering GP Issue

Hi hope your well,

As mentioned in previous posts started tapering my meds. Had planned to make it as slow as possible. The psychiatrist recommended reduce to certain amount and see what happens. I take medication from GP by injection. I discussed with my GP I would like to reduce slower than the big jump psychiatrist suggested. He reluctantly agreed.

My mother went to collect my injection week or two ago and GP ignored what I had discussed with him and reduced prescription by the big jump I was trying to avoid. My mother all fairness reacted well enough when she rang me to see what was going on. She got the pharmacist to get the dosage I requested to bring to GP and rang GP and gave him bit of a bollocking.

When I went to GP he just blamed the pharmacist and also just said that was what psychiatrist prescribed. And more or less ignored what I had requested. The more I deal with the guy the more of a complete twit the guy is.

So I have had two injections at reduced dosage and so far it’s going well. However I have noticed a lot of dizziness. Considered getting train from work instead of motorcycle as my balance is bit off but I was fine. Will mention to my GP but given he’s a fucking Moran I don’t expect much of reaction.

I am working away and doing little yoga , somewhat cautiously as balance bit off. Doing a bit of meditation I enjoy it, sometimes I am good at it other times it can be a struggle. Started going for long walks at the weekend get the endorphins going , might hopefully offset effects of tapering a bit.

Decided not to react or interact with the voices in my mind as much but pay attention to what the say without reacting 98% of the time.

As usual when I mediate I can see images , mostly nice ones these days. I believe the last one was of a nice pond with a gold fish in it.

Got stuck in to my next course but it is largely DSM based and not very good.

It is lovely weather here at the moment plan to go for a walk most days after work get a bit of fresh air most days. Good for the mind.

Been watching stand up comedy’s on Netflix some are very good. Will have a look for one now and see if any good.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

Tapering with medical support.

It’s a lovely day here in Cork. Hope your well.

It’s started to get busy at work again. We started doing overtime again did some 10 hr days feeling bit tired now but extra money will come in handy.

Still doing yoga and meditation I genuinely believe they benefit the mind and body. Just watched a great Ted Talk about meditation it’s worth a look if you have the time. See link below.

Ted Talk

Was at GP earlier he eventually got letter from the psychiatrist who was good to her word and said to start a trail at a reduced dose of my injection to see what happens. As I expected the psychiatrist wanted to reduce at a much greater rate than I have read was safe. I managed to talk my GP into reducing at a slower rate to the amount the psychiatrist recommended. So now just have to see what happens.

I still experience the same stuff I experienced 10 years ago when I was quite bad And really struggled. Since then I have just changed my perspective on my experiences. I have done what I can to help myself not be a victim anymore I guess it’s a work in progress. If I compared my outlook 10 years ago to now it is vastly different. Back then I did not want to live and felt completely powerless. I can still struggle and have bad days but I love life even if it can be shit it can also be beautiful.

I also went vegetarian two weeks ago. I was thinking about it for a while and there was a voice of a child in my head objecting to eating meat so am giving it a go. Eating a lot of fake meat stuff it tastes fine but I want to make more of an effort to eat fresh food. Just had one of my usual voices Mary happily inform me she could not give a fuck about me being vegetarian with a laugh.😉

Keep up the good fight ✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

Tapering

Hello hope your well currently a nice blustery day here. Just back from morning walk with dog. Have not posted in a while as did not feel the need also felt like I was repeating stuff.

I have decided to stop running for a while but have increased my yoga practice. Doing 45min class on Sarah Beth yoga app most mornings. I am slowly improving but still quite bad at some poses. The breathing is very tricky to get hang of but It helps me set an intention of calm each morning which can be useful during the day when dealing with people.

I try to meditate most days which I can be bad at but I still find it useful. I used to practise before I went to sleep but now I fall asleep 5mins after I start to practise. I have taken a liking to meditate in the evenings instead of watching tv. Finding stuff on tv and Netflix just unpleasant to watch.

Did short video on my phone about my mental health might be part of internet thing for mental health awareness month. Hopefully they will use a bit of it.

Been doing course online on introduction to psychology. Its interesting but lot of material to cover. I have 4 modules of 7 done. Might be tight for time on last few modules. Will rush them to get them done if need there of.

I got a pack of information of hearing voices wales it has workbooks etc to get through for people who hear voices. It’s interesting but most spare time tied up with online course at the moment.

Still working away but it’s quite in work at moment but there is work coming up so hopefully be ok. Plus lot of work around cork at moment so not to worried.

The complaint I made about my GP did not come to much. But I went to a psychiatrist who I explained what I experience and how I deal with it. She agreed I was not getting much from current medication I am on. She would recommend to GP I taper off it slowly. I was left baffled by this I genuinely thought she would just ignore me but she was open to how I dealt with things. Reading stuff on site the withdrawal project and made 2 connections with people who have done or are doing the same thing. So just have to see how I go with tapering meds. Wish me luck.😉

In post I made a while ago I mentioned I got very angry at work around the time I last reduced my meds year and half ago. I thought it had to do with stuff I was going through but I have since read and spoke to someone about intense anger can be side effect of reducing meds to fast. When I think of reduction my GP made it was way to much plus he said there are no side effects. I have read there can be many. I really am starting to think my GP is a twit.

Thanks for reading, have a good day

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

My meds and GP compliant

It’s a wet Friday night where I am at. My mood is good as I hope is yours.

Practise yoga each morning for 15 mins. Sarahbethyoga on YouTube is very good if you feel so inclined. I am still terrible at some poses but getting the hang of others. Get some meditation most days. In practiseing mindfulness I have noted once again my incredible ability to have an imaginary argument in my mind. It truly amazes me I get up in the morning and try some what haphazardly to practise yoga then as soon as I get to make breakeast I am having an imaginary argument in my mind. I become aware of it usually fairly fast and stop it in its tracks just to start a completely new argument 30 secs later it’s pure gas. I think this is among the reasons the voices in my mind call me the angriest man in the world. I believe there is a lot of anger and frustration at things in my past and present which I must learn to focus in a positive way.

I found myself constantly arguing in my mind about taking medication which I believe has not helped my position. Upon my GP not going for a reduction in my meds and said he would set up meeting with psychiatrist which I have no faith in, which I mentioned in previous post . I was annoyed and made a complaint to some medical board. I think it was 2 weeks ago . I promptly forgot about it and did not think it would amount to much. I received an email a day or two ago saying they acknowledged my email and would review in some committee.

I went to my GP today to get my injection and had not realised they had informed my GP. Which led to a very tricky conversation in which he started typing out what I was saying. He said he could not treat me and said he would look into another GP giving me my injection. Does not bother me to much did not think much of him as GP. He said it was causing him a lot of stress. I had no clue what to say. I don’t think I will see much of him anymore. He also said it would be difficult to treat me in future as I may make a compliant about him, not sure what to make of that statement.

No clue what will happen. The compliants board asked me to produce any evidence to support my complaint. I might ask around for advice to see what people say. I really did not think they would take someone like me seriously but they seem to be.

Other than odd conversation with my now ex-GP. Just working away doing my think trying to make time for WordPress but not feeling it these days so watching Ted Talks on app on iPad . There is some great stuff on it.

Doing bit more running these days trying to enjoy it. Not doing much just 3miles a few times a week.

Well that’s my update.😀

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉