So their are positive Voices too.

Hello it’s a nice morning here in Cobh in Cork bit overcast but it’s not cold or raining. My dog is currently full of beans after the walk this morning and would probably keep going for hours.

Working away at the moment just looking forward to the break at Christmas. I took week off before Christmas as I find this time of year tough so on the plus side I have only 2 weeks left to work this year. Fairly busy at work, worked 2 Saturday’s as well as the week days but did nothing this weekend and it was good to relax. I am just focusing on getting through last 2 weeks and not get to bothered about anything.

I gained some weight in last few weeks but it is starting to come down very slowly it’s probably side effect of meds as really don’t overeat much. I am quite chuffed My headstand in yoga is coming along a bit I can only hold it for 10 to 15 seconds but it’s not easy also it is making my shoulders and arms noticeably stronger. That’s not me in picture below it’s just to give you an idea what it looks like. I look a bit wobbly doing mine.

I have my usual voices which can be angry and critical some of which are very interested in sex these days. Slightly after a reduction in meds I noticed I can have positive voices which seem to help the situation for example in work they might point out something I forgot , their not constant but help from time to time. I am not used to this but the change is nice. I don’t mind the critical voices and am used to them but a change of pace is nice.

Got a little carried away on Black Friday but no big deal overtime at work covered most of it. I just felt a compulsion to buy stuff ended up with a new cooker and new gear for motor bike 🤷‍♂️

I guess I am as mad as ever, I believe I feel energy and stuff which effects me and the people around me in different ways. I see much imagery during guided meditation spirit animals and such it can be very interesting and I believe can help. I guess it is also important to remember this is a human journey as well as a spiritual one and to stay grounded.😉 I don’t share this information with people as I know there response from previous experiences I have shared and it ain’t good. As mad as I might be I get by and make a living.

Hope your well and have a good day.

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾👊🏾✊🏾👊🏾

A Safe and Peaceful place

Hello hope your well, sending positive vibes your way.

Just spend last few days in a cabin with no running water and electricity. You might be wondering why I would do such a thing. What is the mad twit up to now.

It was a yoga style retreat on Galway , the link is Willow Retreat . The person running it has a chat and decides what program would suit you for the weekend. I started feeling a bit frazzled and felt genuinely centered when finished. She is a hugger which took a little getting used to given my issues around personal space and touching, but got right into swing of it on the last day, now I almost feel like hugging everybody (I have no intentions to Incase your worried) but would like a hug now and then 😉.

I read parts of some books there one was The Untheredsoul . It had a very profound effect on how I viewed my mind, I have ordered it and intend to finish it. I would recommend it to any one with a troubled mind.

I went for a walk this morning and just felt a connection to things in nature, especially trees they just seem more interesting now. I tried not to act defensively to stuff with mostly success.

Took today off just to ease back into things. I have a daily practice from the weekend I intend to practice, I will start tonight. I intend to tidy the house and get a load of washing on first.

I feel I have a new viewpoint to at least try to stop putting up barriers, and just feel everything the world is and just do my best to remain centered and try not to store energy from stuff in my past and let energy around me, to just filter through and try to just be aware of it. Without storing any of it. Will see how it goes.😎

I would really recommend the retreat, can’t speak more highly of it.

Trying to get into habit of writing fiction when my head is busy see link below if your interested only few stories so far.

Fiction

Love this song by oh wonder it’s very relaxing worth a listen it popped up on my mind few times over weekend. Oh Wonder

Have a good day hope the universe sends blessings your way and you learn to grow from your troubles.

Keep up the good fight. ✊🏻✊🏾😉

Tapering and other odd events.

The weather is still nice here in Cobh. Decided to have at least one lazy day a week, I guess this is it. Work is going well and I feel good at the moment.

About 4 weeks ago the tapering process came up a cropper. I woke on a Monday morning and suddenly felt massive irrational irritation and my voices went utterly ballistic. Things which I find to uncomfortable to blog about but which I relate to CSA as a kid resurfaced, this was upsetting but manageable. It was a challenge to say the least so I booked two days off work. I think one week in work I came up with weird and odd ways of dealing with voices every day.

I also decided given my precarious position to let work know my meds were being adjusted and not to panic it would sort itself out in few weeks. Also mentioned I had noticed some side effects and was unsure what people had noticed. They seemed ok about it.

To describe it, imagine on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being not really annoyed to 10 flipping out, my knee jerk reaction to just about everything was 7 or 8. It made the week interesting but I kept my cool if anyone noticed anything I don’t think it was Major.

Also noticed feeling almost high and low quite a few times in the space of about 5 minutes. Again I did my best to notice these feelings and let them pass on by. Also intensely aware of intense emotions which I seemed to associate to my voices , which they claimed they were using to attack me, but I couldn’t help but feel this is how they felt at the time. I did my best not to get swept away in the emotions and simply smile and let the emotions alone and some space without getting absorbed in to them.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks but last 2 week or so this has all slowly eased off. I have decided to go back to interacting with voices after 10 in the day. I try not to interact with them to much at work at moment as they are more pissed than usual. That said I have had a very quite few days recently.

I have had dizzy spells again this week and felt nauseous. At times I found it difficult to walk in a straight line. Depending who you ask all this would be a sign of tapering or the odd label I have been given or my odd head being my odd head.

I am happy and will argue to leave my current dosage of meds alone and see were I am at in 3 months.

The meditation continues to be of benefit which allows me to sleep well even when my mind is extremely busy. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit so might write these in another blog just to get them out of my head there mostly mad stuff but when I write them down there is usually something interesting about my life experience in them. Probably do light run in the morning. Doing little strength training at the moment with little yoga but nothing spectacular.

Still going strong as a vegetarian , have also cut out cream and nearly all cheese.😎

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻

Thoughts on Course on Schizophrenia

It’s a lovely day here in Cork in Cobh. Just lazing around at the moment taking it easy after mornings walk with my Sister and ever energetic dog.

Been studying course on abnormal psychology, I might add I find the course title offensive. I still like the line by Eleanor Longden – A normal reaction to an abnormal situation, I might have paraphrased slightly. This line literally changed the way I view the label I have been given and voice hearing experience I have. I believe it was one of the very strong reasons I have changed my life from were it was.

The course I am studying at the moment covers a range of topics in a very short time frame. One of them was on addictions, on my assignment the comments I got back mentioned this was one of the better assignments on this topic the Tudor had marked. It did not let me express my complete disagreement with the large amount of the subject matter of the course.

This was particularly true for the part of the course I just completed on schizophrenia and psychosis. It mentioned people with schizophrenia have impaired intellect and will need lifelong financial and emotional support, they will also not work again given the intellectual impairment and also require lifelong treatment of anti psychotic medication. The only words I can express towards this is go fuck yourselves, sorry forgive my language. I have the label I work just as well as others in what can be a high pressure environment. I function fairly well socially albeit this is not one of my strong points. I am owed money by people and budget excellently. I have read about and personally meet with people who can survive without anti psychotic meds and have this label.

They also mentioned people with the label like their personal space and are socially withdrawn. They did not mention that research on people with the label, that 70% are likely to have experienced a serious trauma in their life. Might be worth mentioning that Buddhists consider all life trauma. I personally experienced child abuse at very young age. I am protective of my personal space as I believe I learned a massive distrust of people and what they do in your personal space at a very young age. It’s hard to shake this off at an unconscious level. I would consider this a learnt behavior to adopt to my environment from my past not a sign of some mental disease or disorder.

I like to interact with people to a point but most of the time I am genuinely happier on my own. I find it uncomfortable to be around people in social setting for long periods of time but I do enjoy a good conversation from time to time, which I find good for my head space. I consider this a personality trait not a sign of some disease.

Also worth mentioning that my voices took umbrage to being called an hallucination. Given the content of what they come up with most of the time is based around my childhood abuse and current difficulties it’s hard to argue with them. Their pissed I am even writing this. I can’t help but feel my voices can have their own character and to just write them off as an hallucination well is to just misunderstand the situation. That said it can be a challenging experience but last week during work I was bored out of my tree. I interacted with them while working and the day flew by. It’s kind of like talking to someone while you work. They are usually pissed about something and I end up taking the piss out of them and struggle to suppress a laugh in the office at work at them.

Was chatting to sister about this stuff, I mentioned that people coming out of sleep can experience voices, noises and visions. Granted I can experience these during the day but it’s close to what I can experience. She was not fully convinced but I will work on her give me time😉 . I have noticed this slightly more lately but it’s usually pleasant conversation and does not stress me out.

If the subject matter of the course I am doing is representation of what MH professionals are thought dear god help anyone under their care.

Also I noticed even though the drugs are called anti psychotic medication. A syndrome they can cause is called neuroleptic malignant syndrome not anti psychotic malignant syndrome. If the syndrome is called neuroleptic why isn’t the medication called neuroleptic medication as I have noted some people make a point of doing so. I might be just paranoid but it’s like some people are trying to distance themselves from this life threatening syndrome.

Also if anyone in England is reading this their is a mother who’s boy was killed by this syndrome, she is trying to get signatures to get government in England to look at training for people in hospitals to deal with autism and avoid this ever happening again.Please sign if you get a chance, below is link to twitter and petition

Petition

@PaulaMac007 is were you can find info. on Twitter

Ok so rant over. I continue to taper my meds to see what happens but I am happy at were I am at even if I have a long way to go. Joined some groups on Facebook which have useful information and people to give some support.

I still find mindfulness nearly impossible but intent to make more of an effort. I love meditation, it’s probably the only reason I sleep given my super active mind. Doing little running but nothing to intense just nice an easy. Still love yoga and practice most mornings. I think I mentioned a type of meditation were you just think about being grateful for stuff in your life. It might sound cheesy but it’s working for me. Things in the past such as noise from dishwasher and washing machine would have annoyed me but now I appreciate the time they save me to do other stuff like blogging. My mind for the most part is quite happy with itself.

Now I am considering having a little dance to some music, I guess it sounds silly on my own but its what OSHO meditation is about and I can enjoy it.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight.✊🏻

Tapering GP Issue

Hi hope your well,

As mentioned in previous posts started tapering my meds. Had planned to make it as slow as possible. The psychiatrist recommended reduce to certain amount and see what happens. I take medication from GP by injection. I discussed with my GP I would like to reduce slower than the big jump psychiatrist suggested. He reluctantly agreed.

My mother went to collect my injection week or two ago and GP ignored what I had discussed with him and reduced prescription by the big jump I was trying to avoid. My mother all fairness reacted well enough when she rang me to see what was going on. She got the pharmacist to get the dosage I requested to bring to GP and rang GP and gave him bit of a bollocking.

When I went to GP he just blamed the pharmacist and also just said that was what psychiatrist prescribed. And more or less ignored what I had requested. The more I deal with the guy the more of a complete twit the guy is.

So I have had two injections at reduced dosage and so far it’s going well. However I have noticed a lot of dizziness. Considered getting train from work instead of motorcycle as my balance is bit off but I was fine. Will mention to my GP but given he’s a fucking Moran I don’t expect much of reaction.

I am working away and doing little yoga , somewhat cautiously as balance bit off. Doing a bit of meditation I enjoy it, sometimes I am good at it other times it can be a struggle. Started going for long walks at the weekend get the endorphins going , might hopefully offset effects of tapering a bit.

Decided not to react or interact with the voices in my mind as much but pay attention to what the say without reacting 98% of the time.

As usual when I mediate I can see images , mostly nice ones these days. I believe the last one was of a nice pond with a gold fish in it.

Got stuck in to my next course but it is largely DSM based and not very good.

It is lovely weather here at the moment plan to go for a walk most days after work get a bit of fresh air most days. Good for the mind.

Been watching stand up comedy’s on Netflix some are very good. Will have a look for one now and see if any good.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

Tapering with medical support.

It’s a lovely day here in Cork. Hope your well.

It’s started to get busy at work again. We started doing overtime again did some 10 hr days feeling bit tired now but extra money will come in handy.

Still doing yoga and meditation I genuinely believe they benefit the mind and body. Just watched a great Ted Talk about meditation it’s worth a look if you have the time. See link below.

Ted Talk

Was at GP earlier he eventually got letter from the psychiatrist who was good to her word and said to start a trail at a reduced dose of my injection to see what happens. As I expected the psychiatrist wanted to reduce at a much greater rate than I have read was safe. I managed to talk my GP into reducing at a slower rate to the amount the psychiatrist recommended. So now just have to see what happens.

I still experience the same stuff I experienced 10 years ago when I was quite bad And really struggled. Since then I have just changed my perspective on my experiences. I have done what I can to help myself not be a victim anymore I guess it’s a work in progress. If I compared my outlook 10 years ago to now it is vastly different. Back then I did not want to live and felt completely powerless. I can still struggle and have bad days but I love life even if it can be shit it can also be beautiful.

I also went vegetarian two weeks ago. I was thinking about it for a while and there was a voice of a child in my head objecting to eating meat so am giving it a go. Eating a lot of fake meat stuff it tastes fine but I want to make more of an effort to eat fresh food. Just had one of my usual voices Mary happily inform me she could not give a fuck about me being vegetarian with a laugh.😉

Keep up the good fight ✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

Tapering

Hello hope your well currently a nice blustery day here. Just back from morning walk with dog. Have not posted in a while as did not feel the need also felt like I was repeating stuff.

I have decided to stop running for a while but have increased my yoga practice. Doing 45min class on Sarah Beth yoga app most mornings. I am slowly improving but still quite bad at some poses. The breathing is very tricky to get hang of but It helps me set an intention of calm each morning which can be useful during the day when dealing with people.

I try to meditate most days which I can be bad at but I still find it useful. I used to practise before I went to sleep but now I fall asleep 5mins after I start to practise. I have taken a liking to meditate in the evenings instead of watching tv. Finding stuff on tv and Netflix just unpleasant to watch.

Did short video on my phone about my mental health might be part of internet thing for mental health awareness month. Hopefully they will use a bit of it.

Been doing course online on introduction to psychology. Its interesting but lot of material to cover. I have 4 modules of 7 done. Might be tight for time on last few modules. Will rush them to get them done if need there of.

I got a pack of information of hearing voices wales it has workbooks etc to get through for people who hear voices. It’s interesting but most spare time tied up with online course at the moment.

Still working away but it’s quite in work at moment but there is work coming up so hopefully be ok. Plus lot of work around cork at moment so not to worried.

The complaint I made about my GP did not come to much. But I went to a psychiatrist who I explained what I experience and how I deal with it. She agreed I was not getting much from current medication I am on. She would recommend to GP I taper off it slowly. I was left baffled by this I genuinely thought she would just ignore me but she was open to how I dealt with things. Reading stuff on site the withdrawal project and made 2 connections with people who have done or are doing the same thing. So just have to see how I go with tapering meds. Wish me luck.😉

In post I made a while ago I mentioned I got very angry at work around the time I last reduced my meds year and half ago. I thought it had to do with stuff I was going through but I have since read and spoke to someone about intense anger can be side effect of reducing meds to fast. When I think of reduction my GP made it was way to much plus he said there are no side effects. I have read there can be many. I really am starting to think my GP is a twit.

Thanks for reading, have a good day

Keep up the good fight✊🏾