Dreams Voices,  Meditation 


Mediatiation & Voices

Practicing meditation away. Seems like an enjoyable process. The autogenics and mantra meditation are much easier than just mindfulness breathing. I find just trying to be aware of my breathing extremely difficult as my mind can be very busy and if it’s quite the voices are not inclined to speak up.

I had an experience during the week which I have not had in over 10 years. While practising mantra meditation (which I have been doing for few weeks) . I do have quite times without voices but anytime I become aware that it is quite in my mind the voices kick in, so it is unusual to get to enjoy just having a quite mind. I was saying my mantra over and over and noticed there where no voices in my mind at the time, which would usually lead to them swearing at me but nothing happened. This continued on for a while and even when I reached out for them. I think I experienced this once while sleeping in the last 10 years or so. It might not sound like a big deal but I sort of felt normal for just a little while. Whatever normal is supposed to be.

The voices still call me bad stuff but I think the 2 main woman who I hear have mellowed a little bit. They would argue that its me who has changed and it is becoming almost impossible to insult me anymore. It’s hard to tell maybe it’s just me who’s changed my reaction time them but I think they have mellowed a bit from what I remember of them in the past. The voice Beatrice says she has not mellowed and to not write this in my ear as I read over it but I wrote it anyway.

WORK

I asked my boss for a raise. He said he was happy with my work and I deserved one and would look into it and let me know Monday. I guess the feeling of not fitting in is something I always get in groups of people, and leaving purely because of this will just keep happening in every job so will stick it out and see what happens.

RUNNING

Training away during the week it seems to be going fine again. My average Maff pace is about 12:00min/mile which is slow running but it is slowely getting faster again and it feels like I am back running again as apposed to just shuffling along. Going up hills is a disaster while trying to keep,heart rate down but all in all it feels good. It’s good to be back running gives the mind something else to focus on.

Deppression

Had an odd realisation during the week. I was sitting there working away and my thoughts started to get negative and I started feeling down for no reason. This can happen to me from time to time. I started to catch each negative thought before it could take route, and say thing like I caught you and laugh to the thought in my head. I believe this was deppression. I was diagnosed with it and depressive episodes I believe are part of schizophrenia. I just never put the two toghter till now. I find it odd I never realised this. I felt down a bit for rest of day but went for a run and more or less got rid of this frame of mind by next morning. It really taints the whole thought process and is difficult to realise it’s happening. Need to be more aware of this going forward.


Dreams

I am just going to jot down what’s going on in my dreams this morning not sure anyone is interested.

I simplified my instructions to my sleep self to just enjoy yourself and have good and peaceful dreams and To seek friends and allies to help me in my dreams.

I found my sleep self going around in my dream saying hello friend how are you to just about everything.

I always wake up in bed in my dream and go looking around the house in the dream . I meet a person purely made up of hands Touching at finger tips with a very compassionate set of eyes. I shook there hand. Then answered the door to a postman giving me mail saying to run 5 miles. When I went for a run later that morning in my waking life I did 5 miles , I guess that sounds mad but it seemed like a good idea.

I then went outside in the dream and kept saying hello to everyone I meet and asking how are you friend. Also something I noticed there are very few men in my dreams mostly just woman. Not sure what to make of it. Everyone then went up along a fence and I saw a pig sleeping in a tree and a brown bull in a very friendly manner approached me like he was a friendly dog. I patted him and said hello. He then died and branches grew out of his stomach. Not sure if everyone has dreams like this or are mine just nutty.

I also had a dream of lying in bed and looking at shadows on the ceilings. Which would then drop of the ceilings on to me. I don’t seem to be afraid of them in my dream. I think they represent repressed sexuality. Not sure what to make of them.

Well I have ranted on long enough hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻🏃🏼

Link to autogenics
Link to Maff running

Meditation & day to day stuff

Meditation & Voices

Started practicing Autogenics in the morning as well as the evening. I am on the final part of the first phase it only takes couple of minutes and I feel my arms and legs get heavy so I think it’s working. I would really recommend it, might stick link on end of page to it.

Also been waking up a bit early so decided to practise mantra meditation in the mornings. Tried before but gave up the voices were quite intense at the time. I just reapet the same word or phrase over and over until I feel I have had enough. After I practised it this morning I felt very relaxed and calm. I just lay here in bed with my eyes closed listening to occasional voice that popped into my head and the various odd images I sometimes see when I close my eyes. I would answer the odd voice and react to odd image if I found it threatening but all in all I was very relaxed and I have never really made sense of images I see. It’s like your dreaming except your wide awake with your eyes closed.

Might look around for course on mindfulness. I use podcast of 20 minute meditation on the iPad most evenings. I believe it helps me accept where my life is , which I can sometimes struggle with. It also helps me focus on the moment which is good as I can spend most of the day in my head.

Voices quite enough this week. One of the voices I call Mary is trying to be helpful but neither of the two of us are used to interacting that way be interesting to see if stays that way. They still call me names and stuff but I don’t react as much. I guess at this stage I should accept that they might always call me unpleasant things, it doesn’t bother me as much.

Running

Went back running a day or two ago it went fine considering I was off for two weeks. I am determined to build an aerobic base through maff method. So I am back shuffling along the road and calling it running. It’s great to be back running it gives my mind something other than work to focus on. I think my dog is happier than me to be back running.

Work

Work seems to be going fine. I was going to tell them I have schizophrenia but ended up asking for a raise instead, not sure how that worked out. I might say it to them yet but I will see. There taking me up to an open day on the program I use next Wednesday. I guess it’s a day out of the office but I don’t like crowds so will just see how goes.

There was a bit of excitement in work Friday morning there was a leak in roof and there was water going everywhere. Not good for PC’s.  Myself and another guy where mopping up water with tea towels. 

Intrusive thoughts:

Intrusive thoughts is a subject When I looked at a few years ago and I could find out very little about. Also if you bring this up with a mental health professional you may get a very bad reaction. They are without doubt one of the main contributors to the reason I tried to commit suicide a few times. I regret having tried this but can’t change what I have done, and just try and do all I can to see it never happens again. I read an article this morning about a mother having intrusive thoughts about her baby. It is very interesting I would recommend if you have an interest in trying to understanding such things.

Link to intrusive thought article
Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾👍🏼👌🏽🏃🏼

Link to autogenics

The film Split and day to day stuff

Just back from walk with dog. It’s rainy and windy here but I don’t mind to much , it’s good to get out of the house and clear the head. Just going to jot down some stuff from the week.

The Film Split:

Was planning to tell people at work I had schizophrenia last week but some one mentioned the film Split and that it was very good. Someone else mentioned that’s the guy thats psychotic. I thought if that’s what they thing psychotic is there is no way in hell I am telling them where I am at. Even if the film is good it certainly is not helping people with mental issues. I can’t help but wonder if they made a film sensationalising someone’s physical illness for example someone in a wheelchair and making them out to be dangerous. Would people still think the film is good. I read a review of someone who has the problem it think is called multiplicity, which is sensationalised in the film. It’s a very interesting read I would definitely recommend it. As it places a human face on the condition. See link below.

Review of film
I can’t help but thing films like this are a blow to people with any mental illness. I have yet to see the film and after reading review above on it I don’t think I ever will.

Symtoms

Voices quite enough, still throw the odd insult at me but discuss the occasional thing. My thought are still spinnng there wheels on telling work about myself being schizophrenic. I believe to practise mindfulness is useful as I am trying to be more aware of my thoughts and try to focus on the current moment more and try not to fixate my thoughts on any one topic. I can also spend a lot of time talking to myself and not paying much attention to what goes on around me I hope practising mindfullness will help to reduce the effect of this.

Violence

I have never been arrested for a violent crime. I am not a violent person but I can get annoyed at things. My mother acts like I am going to freak out and kill her if I act evenly slightly annoyed at anything, which is gas considering she can have brutally bad moods and bite the head off people. If I acted like her I would be sectioned in a day. Its like I have been given this label and I am no lounger allowed to get annoyed which I consider a very human thing to be. I guess she acts like this due to the stigma surrounding my label, it is a bit annoying having your own mother think like this. The link below I’d brief summary of people with mental illness and violence. It states people with a mental illness are more likely to experience violence than be perpetrators of violence. It’s quick read if you have time.

Violence and mental health
Dreams

I had a dream where I was flying during the week in amongst the other crazy stuff. I felt free and very happy. It’s hard to describe I just felt very happy. I looked up the meaning of flying dreams , one mentioned a person who is happy or comfortable about something in waking life. Last night I had a dream about some sort of struggle in life and trying to explain to a child who was expressing the idea “what about the life were supposed to have”, I said in return that expectation can lead to disappointment it is better to accept the life you have and make the most of it. I might of read that Idea somewhere but I like the idea of it. The child looked very disappointed at this. I woke up at this stage.

Health

One of the alarming statics about people with schizophrenia in Ireland is that life expentancy is 15 years shorter. I think that means I done at about 55 that’s about 14 to 15 years left.  I think I would like to buck the trend and live healthy lifestyle with some walking and running. Sorry if a bit morbid but I try to see problems down the road and deal with them now. If you try and eat healthy there is a mass of information contradicting each other. I found the following link interesting it goes into facts of the effect of fats fruit vegetables and salt on heart disease. Worth a look I you have time. Not sure if video still works but information printed on page.

Health

I tried to find a positive pictures of schizophrenia and could not do so. The image above is from badideatshirts.com

Well I have ranted on long enough

Hope the week to come is a good one and if not you find the strength to get through.

Keep up the good fight👍🏼

Paranoia Versus Reality & day to day stuff

Hope your well. Just back from morning walk with dog. Feeling good as always after it. So going to jot down some stuff from the week.

Paranoia

It’s hard to explain paranoia. For me it’s like something small and unimportant occurs in life. Which triggers off a few problems in my brain. Which I then become obsessed with utterly and will just spin my wheels on the thought more or less driving me mad, but sometimes I think my mind is trying to come up with a solution to a perceived problem, I should say the problem may not be real. I will try to explain how this happened during the week with out sounding mad.

I basically think in work that people treat me as if I am very weird. Mostly because I guess I am weird. So I stay in a job for a period of time and when I think I no lounger fit in there I just find another job. I am starting to get the feeling it’s time to move on again. I think people are acting like I am up to something at work every time I use the toilet. I know that sounds odd but I am getting more and more paranoid about it and starting to get anxiety and just putting off having to use the toilet. Again no one has said anything but I base my paranoia on the way they are acting but I do realise I could just be making it up. 

During the week when it’s time to leave I say goodbye but no one responded one day. This triggered off a thought process that people don’t like me and just put up with me. I thought I was getting along as well as I ever do with people so I was quite disappointed with this. I tried to use the CBT thing where I tell myself there just busy and did not hear me but my brain was off at full speed trying to fix the problem. I was trying to figure if I should tell them I have schizophrenia hence explaining why I am well just weird to be around. When I say weird I just mean odd I am harmless enough. It’s a shame there is so much stigma around the illness it just complicates every thing. I spend a day or two having conversations on how to tell them even losing a bit of sleep because I was so fixated on the thought. I realised I was becoming fixated with the thought of telling them and imagining the conversations I would have. So I started to what I call police my thoughts very heavily. Every time I would stray on to the thought I would just gently stop it and try thing of something else. 

The only thing I can make of this thought process is I genuinely want to tell them. If I decide to do so. I will send an email saying to look at Eleanor Longden on ted talks and that there are some similarities between our lives and I just want to make them aware of this. Maybe I just want to explain why I act weird or distracted sometimes , it’s also probably worth mentioning people with schizophrenia are not weird, but they can act differently to things then expected I guess this does not make them weird just different. Like when my thought process or voices or both cause me to smirk in the office. I guess this looks weird but I did perceive something to make me laugh, again I guess it’s not weird just different to  what people perceive as normal.

I don’t know how they will react if I tell them or if I will just try to find another job. If I tell them given there reaction I may have to find a new job anyway , the stigma around schizophrenia really is a pain in the ass.

I also find writing about this to help put things in perspective, and helps stop spinning my wheels on the thoughts in my head. It’s odd how this may literary be all in my head for example the boss came out and said well done to some tricky stuff I figured out on program I use during the week which I don’t think I have heard him say to anyone in the office in the two years I have been there.

I also have a theory it can be useful to have someone with schizophrenia in the office. Ok just hear me out. Normal people or what society perceives as normal can sometimes view a problem from one direction only but my not so normal brain can view the problem from a completely different perspective giving a fresh perspective on the issue. I could be talking through my ass here but I think the idea has some merit.

Voices

The voices have been mostly quiet since my last therapy session. It was so quiet in my head during the week I felt a bit unnerved and had to fill my head full of thoughts. It’s like I am afraid of the quite in my head these days.

Dreams

I continue to give instructions to my subconscious before I sleep. Which seems to work a treat . Have started to talk more in my dreams to people which is a lot better than violent stuff I saw in the past. Last night I was talking to a woman who said she was to ugly to have someone, my sleep self said there is someone for everyone and fuck to whatever you think is wrong with yourself. I guess this is good advice for anyone. Also if people in my sleep are different aspects of the self, does some part of myself see myself as ugly , I don’t see myself as ugly but the schizophrenia is a bit of an issue when looking for a partner. Not sure what to make of this. I believe dreams can be useful in understanding ourselfs.

Well I’ve ranted on long enough thanks for reading

Keep up,the good fight ✊🏻

Therapy God and day to day stuff

Hope your well. Just back from a walk with my dog. Nice dry day but very cold. Feeling well so decided to place a few thoughts from the week here. Might be a bit heavy as always so give a miss if your already feeling down.

GOD AND THERAPY

Was in therapy during the week. The topic of God came up. She questioned me on where do I thing my grandfather who abused me was , so I said hell. When she questioned why I  should go to heaven , I replied I try to be good . She reacted like this was important, I did not particularly like comparing where my grandfather is to where I would like to end up, just didn’t seem right. I mentioned I Don’t believe in an God who does anything in the world. From what I have experienced and what I see in the world. She countered this by saying what about people like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela and we are here to learn things from this life. I replied by saying if there is anything to learn from surviving child abuse, I don’t want to learn it. I guess believing in God is a personal choice. I believe it is beneficial to believe in god for a few reasons but I just can’t have anything to do with organised religion espically because of the way the clergy dealt with child abuse in Ireland and other countries. The thoughts off an all seeing and knowing God just sitting there and watching children being abused, I guess I just can’t come to terms with. I think I have anger issues with God , not sure how to deal with that.

Had a flat tire on the bike when I came out of therapy. I thought I dealt with it well. I just rang insurance company who picked up bike within 40 minutes. I got a spin from my sister home 5 minutes later. I was home and eating my dinner with an hour of getting flat. So it was not so bad I guess. Was up and running with bike the next day.

DAY TO DAY STUFF

The brother in laws mother passed away. I know she had problems with her mental health and had Parkinson’s at the end. She could not eat and spend all of her time  just sitting down. People kept says not things like she does not have a life worth living. Despite this she fought to the very end to live. I would go to the funeral but the last time I went to a funeral I was in a severely phychotic state of mind and came within in a hairs breath of creating a scene at the funeral home. Also when it came to carry the coffin in to the church my cousin in front of the whole crowd outside the church said in a mocking tone with a smile on his face I heard you went mad. I had an odd reaction my brain just blacked out and I saw nothing for a second. He saw this and said with some excitement look you are , I think this reapeted a few times , with me blacking out each time , I guess my brain just wasn’t ready to deal with certain things and that’s how I reacted. I eventually said what are you doing we are here to pay our respects to my aunt and nothing else. I still can’t believe he did this in front of the whole crowd gathered outside the church. I decided not to go to funerals anymore not sure how that’s going to work out in the long run just have to see how it goes.

VOICES

Woke up early one morning with a voice I call Beatrice calling me an asshole reapetly non stop. I thought to myself who do it turn to at this time of the morning, since no one was around. I decided to turn to the voice calling me names , the only thing I could thing causing me any stress at some level, was when I go back to sleep at this time in the morning in the past I would wake up to disturbing dreams. So I said don’t worry I will give instructions to my subconscious before I go to sleep to keep everything fine. She said fuck off your not going back to sleep. I gave some instructions to my subconscious self like I will have peaceful sleep etc. The voice quitened down and I fell back to a peaceful sleep. They have been very quite since my therapy session during the week. They mostly repeat the same stuff but sometimes they can be a little friendly. I am never sure how to react when they are friendly.

TYPICAL SATURDAY

Had some thoughts yesturday about people watching me with cameras in the house and cooks commenting on the food I was cooking. I love having the kitchen to myself to cook food. Anyway I did not actually believe I was being spied on just that I had thoughts about it. I thought that maybe I was lonely and wanted to share aspects of my life with someone. Might run this past my therapist next time I see her see what she says. The end result of this is I want to give a summary of what I did yesturday just to share with someone. So her goes.

Woke up early got out of bed and went for 8mile maff run. It went well I was happy with the run. Came home had coffee with double cream and an omelette with mushrooms, onions and tomatoes. See picture below. Cod liver oil is the only thing I add to my diet other  whole foods.


Had an apple later on in the day did some stuff online and bit of shopping.Made some bars which I will cut up and eat during the week at work, see recipe on link below. They taste much nicer than they look if you can get mix of ingredients right. See picture below

Bars


For dinner got pork mince in the butcher, made burgers with garlic in them. And fried a courgette onions mushrooms tomatoes in coconut oil, And a small drop of wine. See picture below.


On the weekends for dessert I make a cake and eat with cream it tastes great and has no sugar or flour in it. See picture below.

 
I watched a bit of T.V. . Practised some mindfullness meditation and went to bed.

Feel free to comment on food in pictures if it looks good or bad but trust me it all taste good.

Well I have rambled on long enough, hope your weekend is going well.

Keep up the good fight👌🏽

I guess life is not as bad as I thought.

Trigger warning:child abuse,language.

During the week we got a phone call that my niece, who is 12 years old, was on the phone, with some video link with two other girls around the country. One of them invited a man from Abroad into the video link and that he may have done something explicit on the phone. My niece would not talk about it and they asked her mother to come up to Dublin to talk to her. We got the phone call when her mother was on the train to Dublin in a distraught state. I was having my dinner at the time and as expected got upset at the news. I might be sensitive to the topic from my experience of child abuse but I was surprised ever one else was so calm. I was doing my best to not cry but they all seemed fine. I then went on facebook and saw something about Trump and I could not help but think the world is just a fucked place to be. I got up early the next morning and decided to offer my savings in credit union to pay for any therapy my niece might need. Her mother text me back saying  she was fine that on my nieces phone she got no video and cut the guy off after 1min and basically saw nothing. Thank God for iPhones. My niece basically could not understand why her mother had come all the way to Dublin to see her. This was a great relief. I also see Trumps ban on certain people travelling has been blocked for now. I guess even when life does look fucked it can turn around and unfuck itself just as lively as it went bad.

Just back from the morning walk with the dog and feel prettie good about life. The reduced dose of medication seems to be going fine. There was one week over new year when things got bad with the voices but January seems to be going fine. I am trying to not react to anything negative the voices say and just accept my life as it is, and when I do react I have a habit of taking the piss out of them a bit.

 I used to have a lot of sexually violent and just violent stuff in general in my dreams which I used to find profoundly disturbing. I have read that people who experience things I have can experience this.I started to give what I call my sleep self instructions before I go to sleep. Things like I will be calm cool and collective in m dreams, I will have peaceful dreams, I will look for peaceful solutions to problems in my dreams, I will show everyone that consent is essential in my dreams. Been doing this a few months and the turn around in my dreams is amazing. There might be the odd thing but for the most part I have peaceful dreams and if anything sexual occurs in my dreams it’s just normal stuff. I could not be happier at the turnaround in my dreams over a few months by just giving few instructions before my sleep. I read somewhere that the subconscious may not understand not statements, like I will not have violent dreams so I avoid statements like this. I don’t wake as much at night anymore which is nice but can still do so some nights but as previosly mentioned, but for the most part I can sleep for seven hours without interruption.

 I did have a thought about something in work get stuck in my head during the week which I used to find  impossible to deal with in the past but I went for a run and tried to be very aware of what I was thinking and just put it out of my mind. I also had an odd feeling during the week where I was afraid off my own thoughts was not sure what to make of it but it seemed to work itself out not to bothered about it at the moment.

I came across a site on another blog which places mental and physical health issues next to each other. Found few interesting blogs about Phychosis and schizophrenia. Definitely worth a look if you have not seen it. See link here The mighty.

I try to fit in mindfulness meditation and autogenics every evening miss the odd evening when tired. I definitely find it helps with the mood I don’t feel as reactionary to things that happen around me. Things that would have annoyed me I just seem to smile at. That said things still annoy me just not as much.

I am considering going to holiday in Australia in December but not sure yet. I think I could pay for it with the overtime I do in work. Doing overtime every morning hope it lasts for another while. I stopped taking on work from previous employer as I just want evenings and weekends to myself and just don’t want the extra work.

Started back running maff after 2 weeks out with my cold. Thankfully my times at maff are not as slow as I expected after a break. Will gradually increase my miles over next month or so and hopefully continue to build my aerobic base. I will try not to expect anything just see how it goes.

Well that is all I have to ramble on about for now.

I guess from this week I should keep in mind even if things look dark they can turn around quite lively.

Keep up the good fight 👍🏼😀

Autogenics and Just some thoughts 

Not been doing much other than keeping the head down and working away. 

I did tell my family about sexual abuse I suffered by my grandfather last week. Also I said he was not to be mentioned in my house again, and his pictures to be removed from my house. They seemed fine about it and said I was courageous to tell them about it and sorry I had to go through it. Father suggested I find a group of people who went through same thing. Offered to go to therapy with me. I spend most of my time in the house avoiding parents I don’t fancy him coming to therapy with me. I did not really want to discuss it with them so when they both brought it up once I did not say much. We have not discussed it since which suits me. At least I don’t have to deal with him being in conversation again or have his pictures around the house. I told them by text as did not want to see there knee jerk reaction to it. I thought it went fine considering.

I am trying a lower dose of medication. I mentioned to doctor I was hearing more voices he wanted to up the meds again. I explained I was under a lot of stress at the time and this was the reason it happened. He agreed to keep on current dose . He looked like I had slapped his face when I mentioned sexual abuse. Not sure there is a way to say it happened nicely so I just blurt it out.

3-4 weeks ago voices got bad again but they have died down a bit again. I was thinking during the week of all the things they have threatened in last 10 years nothing has really happened I believe I should keep this in mind going forward. I find ignoring them useful and singing songs in my head over them also useful. I also take the piss out of them a bit and try to use humour. They say by doing this I am trying to befriend them like the last voice I was dealing with which I would laugh at a bit, this voice has started to fade a bit. Be interesting to see what happens in next few months with them. I still get tactile hallucinations(the feeling of being touched when no one is there) was never sure how to deal with this other than not freak out which I have had plenty of practise at. Currently very little visual hallucinations but they can happen again I think the key is not to freak out or read anything into them. I still wake few times a night this has been happeneing to me for years it doesn’t seem to adversely effect me . I don’t usually get nightmares anymore which were very bad and effecting my sleep for a good length of time. I whisper a few statements like, I will have good dreams, I will have peaceful dreams etc. This seems to keep dreams under control and mostly out of negative territory.

I started doing 20 mins mindfulness podcast on iTunes since start of the year every evening. Even do I have only started it I have found in work in stressful situations I seem to focus on my breath and immediately relax I intend to keep at it and see how it goes. Also found site on autogenics it looks interesting I intend to give that a go in the mornings before work if I can fit it in. Site link Autogenics  if anyone interested.

The sister has a facbook group about losing weight. Asked me about how much I lost and am maintaining. I have managed to maintain a weight loss of about 6 and a half stone. It kind of made me feel good about myself saying it on facebook. One person on facebook asked me about running marathon in Dublin , I just said enjoy the process and race day and forget about times.

I have considered going on dating website and going somewhere sunny on holidays but I have not decided on either of these and will just see how it goes. Currently saving money for extension but would consider saving some of this money for a holiday.

I have noticed I get a bit agitated in the house when people are in my personal space this is something I need to either get over or just make people aware off , I guess they don’t realise how much stress they are causing me.

I continue to see stuff about schizophrenics living shorter life spans and poor health etc. I feel this is all the more reason to take care of myself I would like to be around for another few years yet. It’s nice to realise this as in my thirties I just did not want to live which is a pretty shitty state of mind to have. Below is a link to one of this studies but at least it says physical health should be part of the treatment.

Study on health
Well that’s all my bits for the moment I plan to blog more this year as I believe it helps but most of the time I have nothing interesting to say. Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight 👌🏽