A Safe and Peaceful place

Hello hope your well, sending positive vibes your way.

Just spend last few days in a cabin with no running water and electricity. You might be wondering why I would do such a thing. What is the mad twit up to now.

It was a yoga style retreat on Galway , the link is Willow Retreat . The person running it has a chat and decides what program would suit you for the weekend. I started feeling a bit frazzled and felt genuinely centered when finished. She is a hugger which took a little getting used to given my issues around personal space and touching, but got right into swing of it on the last day, now I almost feel like hugging everybody (I have no intentions to Incase your worried) but would like a hug now and then πŸ˜‰.

I read parts of some books there one was The Untheredsoul . It had a very profound effect on how I viewed my mind, I have ordered it and intend to finish it. I would recommend it to any one with a troubled mind.

I went for a walk this morning and just felt a connection to things in nature, especially trees they just seem more interesting now. I tried not to act defensively to stuff with mostly success.

Took today off just to ease back into things. I have a daily practice from the weekend I intend to practice, I will start tonight. I intend to tidy the house and get a load of washing on first.

I feel I have a new viewpoint to at least try to stop putting up barriers, and just feel everything the world is and just do my best to remain centered and try not to store energy from stuff in my past and let energy around me, to just filter through and try to just be aware of it. Without storing any of it. Will see how it goes.😎

I would really recommend the retreat, can’t speak more highly of it.

Trying to get into habit of writing fiction when my head is busy see link below if your interested only few stories so far.

Fiction

Love this song by oh wonder it’s very relaxing worth a listen it popped up on my mind few times over weekend. Oh Wonder

Have a good day hope the universe sends blessings your way and you learn to grow from your troubles.

Keep up the good fight. βœŠπŸ»βœŠπŸΎπŸ˜‰

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Tapering + Dissociation ?

Hi, hope your well , it’s a pleasant if slightly chilly Sunday afternoon here in Cobh.

Just did little body scan meditation. I find it very relaxing. When I do this I get a sensation of energy or heat on the part of the body I focus on. It is usually quite pleasant. My mind voices claim they do it but I think it’s just me it’s hard to tell (I realize the mind voices are aspects of self but I see it as various minds in one mind). I saw somewhere some monk said he gets same effect from meditation.

So tipping away nicely. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit to much lately. I think there are my minds reaction to feeling depressed, I write stories that amuse my self in my mind. I might throw some of these on another blog I do. Just to get them out of my mind. I had to make an effort to control and stop this from happening as if led unchecked I think it leads to a sort of manic high. Which actually feels great but becomes all consuming and eventually burns out and I can get a very low mood after it.

Spend some time this morning just walking in a field with the dog and just stop myself from thinking. I just listen to the birds and watch them. Listen to my footfalls on the grass. Interact with my voices a little but not to much. Feel the breeze on my skin and just notice things around me. I think this is called grounding or mindfulness. It’s quite relaxing I would recommend it to anyone with a busy mind. I also like to disappear in to a video game for a while but again find this all consuming so try to limit this as well.

I meet with my Psychiatrist last Tuesday. We discussed that you don’t so much get withdrawal effects from tapering but you do get an adjustment period from changing your dosage. Sounds like the same way of saying the same thing to me just makes the psychiatrist feel better about herself. Still at least she acknowledges this as GP will acknowledge nothing. I agreed with psychiatrist to leave at current dose until Jan next year and then if all good taper to lower dose. I might continue taper in 3months depending how I fell. I have gone from 50mg injection to 37.5 injection. I am glad I did this, as I no lounger feel like I have an hangover the morning after injection. I did have a reaction to reduction but did not panic as experienced same thing a year ago when adjusted injection from 2 weeks to 3 weeks.

Saw my GP on Friday he kept asking how everything was you could almost tell he wanted me to still be struggling but I was fine. I discussed what the psychiatrist said he once again stated he did not want to adjust dosages. I said he had already made that clear. I still think he is a complete tit. I have survived despite his care which I still consider to have severely hindered my recovery process. The mother asked her GP if she would take me on she said she might give me a call before the end of the year as there is waiting list. It would be nice to change she could not be worse then my current GP who is literally no support in tapering process and if I left him have his way it would never have happened.

I was in work during the week and was interacting with my work colleague. I sat down next to her. I think I was swinging my legs around , I believe she just lightly taped the side of my knee with hers, possibly to bring my attention to it. The second this happened all of my senses shut off , there is not a single thought in my head and all I see is black. I have no clue how long this went on for possibly a few seconds. I come to I am leaning away from the woman I am sitting next too. I felt like a kid, two of my hands are planked in the chair between my legs and I am swinging the chair around like a kid. I continue discussing what’s on the monitor like nothing happened the poor woman looks a bit surprised to say the least but says nothing. I did not think much about it until few days after. I am not sure if should ask work if something happened or not. I think I will but not sure.

I went to a new therapist also during the week , she has training in something called the Maastricht interview. There is a link at bottom of post if your interested. We had a chat and started the process it looks like it suited to people who hear voices so should get something from it.

Work gave me time off to go every 2 weeks as long as I work it back on Saturdays. I said I experience intrusive thoughts to her but did not go in to detail. I have had very bad experiences trying to explain this to people. Especially since the nature of them are based around the topic of rape and sexual abuse I went through as a kid but unfortunately I am the bad guy in the images and thoughts.

When I first experienced these I went completely mad I ended up committing myself as I thought I was a danger to woman and children and just about everyone around me (I would like to add the only person I was ever a danger to was myself). I explained in the mental hospital I was experiencing intrusive thoughts people did not react well one so called professional nearly chucked me off the ward. They kept giving my meds which did not help and treated me like I was I threat which just fed into my negative state of mind. It continued to get worse and meds did fuck all. I tried to kill myself 4 or 5 times as I could not live with how intrusive thoughts made me feel. I eventually just learned to live with them. I think I read somewhere they were a reaction of the mind to being in a situation it did not want to be in. They have mostly died off over the years but can get bad from time to time. I try not to react to them in any way as this just seems to feed into a nightmare of a self feeding loop of nightmare type stuff. I have meet a few woman online who have had a very similar experience, it was nice to know I was not alone.

Well that was heavier then I intended anyway I described the blackout effect I experienced during the week to therapist. She described it as Dissociation I believe this is a defensive reaction of the mind to a situation it does not want to be in. I will have to read up on it as it happens to me now and then.

This post really is heavier than intended.

Still tipping away at yoga and odd run.

Take care of yourself

Keep up the good fight.✊🏻✊🏾

Maastricht Interview link

Tapering and other odd events.

The weather is still nice here in Cobh. Decided to have at least one lazy day a week, I guess this is it. Work is going well and I feel good at the moment.

About 4 weeks ago the tapering process came up a cropper. I woke on a Monday morning and suddenly felt massive irrational irritation and my voices went utterly ballistic. Things which I find to uncomfortable to blog about but which I relate to CSA as a kid resurfaced, this was upsetting but manageable. It was a challenge to say the least so I booked two days off work. I think one week in work I came up with weird and odd ways of dealing with voices every day.

I also decided given my precarious position to let work know my meds were being adjusted and not to panic it would sort itself out in few weeks. Also mentioned I had noticed some side effects and was unsure what people had noticed. They seemed ok about it.

To describe it, imagine on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being not really annoyed to 10 flipping out, my knee jerk reaction to just about everything was 7 or 8. It made the week interesting but I kept my cool if anyone noticed anything I don’t think it was Major.

Also noticed feeling almost high and low quite a few times in the space of about 5 minutes. Again I did my best to notice these feelings and let them pass on by. Also intensely aware of intense emotions which I seemed to associate to my voices , which they claimed they were using to attack me, but I couldn’t help but feel this is how they felt at the time. I did my best not to get swept away in the emotions and simply smile and let the emotions alone and some space without getting absorbed in to them.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks but last 2 week or so this has all slowly eased off. I have decided to go back to interacting with voices after 10 in the day. I try not to interact with them to much at work at moment as they are more pissed than usual. That said I have had a very quite few days recently.

I have had dizzy spells again this week and felt nauseous. At times I found it difficult to walk in a straight line. Depending who you ask all this would be a sign of tapering or the odd label I have been given or my odd head being my odd head.

I am happy and will argue to leave my current dosage of meds alone and see were I am at in 3 months.

The meditation continues to be of benefit which allows me to sleep well even when my mind is extremely busy. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit so might write these in another blog just to get them out of my head there mostly mad stuff but when I write them down there is usually something interesting about my life experience in them. Probably do light run in the morning. Doing little strength training at the moment with little yoga but nothing spectacular.

Still going strong as a vegetarian , have also cut out cream and nearly all cheese.😎

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻

Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fightπŸ˜‰

Hearing Voices and meditation.

TW slight mention of CSA.

All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.

I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them. 

While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.

My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.

I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either.  I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.

Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self πŸ˜‰

On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.

The good with the bad

Trigger warning mention of CSA 

Just want to jot down some good and bad points of my week.

I came out to work a while back about having the label schizophrenia. They seemed fine about it. 

I have a habit of laughing when engaging with the voices in my mind from time to time. I got paranoid that people in work where thinking I was laughing at them and hated me. I sent boss email during week saying if people have an issue with me laughing from time to time to myself that they should check link below about 30 secs in woman explains she was laughing to herself having conversation in her head (video is about 1:30 secs long worth look interesting woman)

SchizophreniaNYC
I got email few days later saying they would have a meeting to discuss and he would like to bring woman in office into meeting. It went fine they asked how they could help with my situation and asked what it was like to be schizophrenic. I have never really talked to someone about what it was like had no clue what to say. I said I can be paranoid people where against me. And he agreed that I could send an email to himself or woman if I was having an issue around something to check if it was an issue (this could prove really useful as I can get worked up and paranoid about trivial events) They also said they never noticed me laughing that I just came across as quite and did my work and went home and would never have guessed I was schizophrenic. I mentioned it was important to me that someone with my label is able to hold down a job just like everyone else. They said they where very happy with my work it was good to hear this. So it looks like I am genuinely paranoid about things hmmm……

I also noticed I could not say the word schizophrenic I kept saying someone with my label. I really don’t associate myself with the word. I also described my thoughts as interactive as in they talk back to me. All in all I believe I represented someone with my label well.

I went to yoga during the week, I was about as flexible as a brick but I enjoyed it will go back.

I also got the notion to start a local voice hearing group at weekends but no clue how. Got on to guy that knows something about this stuff by email he was on holidays but asked by email would I be interested in being on the committee of the voice hearing group I said I would be interested. No clue what I would need to do but be interesting to see where it goes. He’s back end of month.

After all this positive stuff I felt very strong tactile sensation (someone touching your body when no one is there) in part of my body that was most traumatised by sexual abuse as a kid.(it can feel like a reproduction of the abuse) The voices claimed they where raping me and I was enjoying it. To say I was jumping around the chair a bit would be understated but as usual I got my work done and got through the day. This can be a very stressful situation but when I went for a walk at lunch I pointed out to the voices I had not got upset with them and start fighting with them which at times is all they seem to want. The positive energy in me was strong enough to hold out. I can feel it at the moment I can’t help but think part of me can’t accept things are going well and almost needs to feel traumatised but I am not a child anymore and not a victim whatever my body feels my mind is free.

Keep up the good fight.πŸ™‚

The lonely outsider

Hi this post I think will be slightly dark just so as your aware.

Firstly I do not consider myself a danger to anyone or that I am evil.

I saw in news recently a man attacked 2 woman which I might add is utterly unacceptable and I utterly condem. One of the things the judge in the case used to describe the man was something like a lonely social outsider as if this made it accept able which it does not.

It struck a chord in me that I am a lonely social outsider. This sort of hurt a bit but it got me thinking about my own situation. I believe a lot of what my voices call me is related to my interaction with society and stuff from my youth. 

When I was very young and being sexualy abused I heard on news that people who where sexualy abused can turn out to be sexual  abusers themselves . I really can’t explain the effect this but of news had on my head . It felt like I disappeared into the back of my mind and felt utterly disconnected from reality. It was Like looking at the world through thick jam jars it really was a horrible thing to hear.

I always felt wroung or I did not fit in. Which in turn I guess I act strange around people.

 I heard a discussion on the radio recently which highlighted the fact that men are generally not trusted around woman and children. I think one example they gave was he was at the beach on his own with families around him and he felt out of place and someone asked him to leave. I was actually relieved to hear this up to this point I felt that it was just me being treated like this.

I guess having the feeling you do not fit in and being an outsider and seeing all the terrible stuff on news about men and thing mentioned above about when I was a kid. Also just the feeling that I was the bad guy which I got from people in general which I is fine as woman and children need to proprect themselves I have no issue with that but I guess in someway it has made at least part of me want to reject society. Sometimes I feel like screaming I am not your bad guy to point the finger at.

I believe this all fed into what the voices call me now(the most evil thing in creation) Some of my nightmares I am the bad guy which is really unsettling. I used to wake up crying. This doesn’t really happen anymore but I still worry it could it is trully unsettling.

I realised I do not really have positive interactions with people in general especially woman.

So I have decided to do something about this. I just don’t want to be a lonely social outsider anymore. I want to have more positive interactions with people in general impartiality woman. Don’t get me wroung I will never be the life of the party but I dont want my interaction with society to be society telling me I am the bad guy here (this can leave me feeling angry and bitter at society) honest I am not so bad sure I can be asshole like everyone else at times but for the most part I can have a positive influence on the world.

I went to meditation class last Sunday  Which for the most part was a positive interaction with woman and men. Going to a yoga class tonight which I hope will have a positive impact on my relationships with people.

So in summary I am not the bad guy. 

Stay safe out there.