Hearing Voices and meditation.

TW slight mention of CSA.

All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.

I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them. 

While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.

My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.

I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either.  I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.

Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self 😉

On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.

The good with the bad

Trigger warning mention of CSA 

Just want to jot down some good and bad points of my week.

I came out to work a while back about having the label schizophrenia. They seemed fine about it. 

I have a habit of laughing when engaging with the voices in my mind from time to time. I got paranoid that people in work where thinking I was laughing at them and hated me. I sent boss email during week saying if people have an issue with me laughing from time to time to myself that they should check link below about 30 secs in woman explains she was laughing to herself having conversation in her head (video is about 1:30 secs long worth look interesting woman)

SchizophreniaNYC
I got email few days later saying they would have a meeting to discuss and he would like to bring woman in office into meeting. It went fine they asked how they could help with my situation and asked what it was like to be schizophrenic. I have never really talked to someone about what it was like had no clue what to say. I said I can be paranoid people where against me. And he agreed that I could send an email to himself or woman if I was having an issue around something to check if it was an issue (this could prove really useful as I can get worked up and paranoid about trivial events) They also said they never noticed me laughing that I just came across as quite and did my work and went home and would never have guessed I was schizophrenic. I mentioned it was important to me that someone with my label is able to hold down a job just like everyone else. They said they where very happy with my work it was good to hear this. So it looks like I am genuinely paranoid about things hmmm……

I also noticed I could not say the word schizophrenic I kept saying someone with my label. I really don’t associate myself with the word. I also described my thoughts as interactive as in they talk back to me. All in all I believe I represented someone with my label well.

I went to yoga during the week, I was about as flexible as a brick but I enjoyed it will go back.

I also got the notion to start a local voice hearing group at weekends but no clue how. Got on to guy that knows something about this stuff by email he was on holidays but asked by email would I be interested in being on the committee of the voice hearing group I said I would be interested. No clue what I would need to do but be interesting to see where it goes. He’s back end of month.

After all this positive stuff I felt very strong tactile sensation (someone touching your body when no one is there) in part of my body that was most traumatised by sexual abuse as a kid.(it can feel like a reproduction of the abuse) The voices claimed they where raping me and I was enjoying it. To say I was jumping around the chair a bit would be understated but as usual I got my work done and got through the day. This can be a very stressful situation but when I went for a walk at lunch I pointed out to the voices I had not got upset with them and start fighting with them which at times is all they seem to want. The positive energy in me was strong enough to hold out. I can feel it at the moment I can’t help but think part of me can’t accept things are going well and almost needs to feel traumatised but I am not a child anymore and not a victim whatever my body feels my mind is free.

Keep up the good fight.🙂

The lonely outsider

Hi this post I think will be slightly dark just so as your aware.

Firstly I do not consider myself a danger to anyone or that I am evil.

I saw in news recently a man attacked 2 woman which I might add is utterly unacceptable and I utterly condem. One of the things the judge in the case used to describe the man was something like a lonely social outsider as if this made it accept able which it does not.

It struck a chord in me that I am a lonely social outsider. This sort of hurt a bit but it got me thinking about my own situation. I believe a lot of what my voices call me is related to my interaction with society and stuff from my youth. 

When I was very young and being sexualy abused I heard on news that people who where sexualy abused can turn out to be sexual  abusers themselves . I really can’t explain the effect this but of news had on my head . It felt like I disappeared into the back of my mind and felt utterly disconnected from reality. It was Like looking at the world through thick jam jars it really was a horrible thing to hear.

I always felt wroung or I did not fit in. Which in turn I guess I act strange around people.

 I heard a discussion on the radio recently which highlighted the fact that men are generally not trusted around woman and children. I think one example they gave was he was at the beach on his own with families around him and he felt out of place and someone asked him to leave. I was actually relieved to hear this up to this point I felt that it was just me being treated like this.

I guess having the feeling you do not fit in and being an outsider and seeing all the terrible stuff on news about men and thing mentioned above about when I was a kid. Also just the feeling that I was the bad guy which I got from people in general which I is fine as woman and children need to proprect themselves I have no issue with that but I guess in someway it has made at least part of me want to reject society. Sometimes I feel like screaming I am not your bad guy to point the finger at.

I believe this all fed into what the voices call me now(the most evil thing in creation) Some of my nightmares I am the bad guy which is really unsettling. I used to wake up crying. This doesn’t really happen anymore but I still worry it could it is trully unsettling.

I realised I do not really have positive interactions with people in general especially woman.

So I have decided to do something about this. I just don’t want to be a lonely social outsider anymore. I want to have more positive interactions with people in general impartiality woman. Don’t get me wroung I will never be the life of the party but I dont want my interaction with society to be society telling me I am the bad guy here (this can leave me feeling angry and bitter at society) honest I am not so bad sure I can be asshole like everyone else at times but for the most part I can have a positive influence on the world.

I went to meditation class last Sunday  Which for the most part was a positive interaction with woman and men. Going to a yoga class tonight which I hope will have a positive impact on my relationships with people.

So in summary I am not the bad guy. 

Stay safe out there.

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀

Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening? 

Read some links during the week from hearing voices network ireland on facebook. Thought they where very interesting. 

The first link is a guy who examines how indigenous people treat people who hear voices. It basically states that they are not treated with any stigma. That in general they would have a mentor who has been through something similar themselves who guides them through this process and then they possible end up as a type of healer for the community. It suggests they are able to induce a altered state of mind which they can get useful bits of information from.

I would like to point out they basically contribute to there community and also survive with out the use of antipsychotics. I can’t help but wonder if someone from western society who hears voices went to the indigenous healer who also hears voices, would they be willing to teach them how they live with the voices. And would it be similar to the voice dialog that is promoted by the hearing voices networks.

I guess I am just letting my thoughts run away with me but I would be interested in travelling to meet such people to learn what I could from them. Anywho see link below to Ted talk I thought it was very interesting, if you have a look let me know what you think in the comments.

Link to Ted talks
The next link is about a woman Rachel. Who briefly explains her story of her experience’s of mental health services. Very interesting woman well worth a look.

Rachel’s Story

Weeks summary:

I have a recurring dream where I am trying to get down the stairs from my room to the living room in the house I grew up in and I am in a anxious state of mind. I got down the stairs during the week and burst into the living room in an upset state of mind. To find my mother and uncle with a child version of myself just sitting there.

I then thought I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. One of my voices said what do you expect from us all we can do is Viking speak and then said eat shit and die, I laughed at this as I have come to do of most insults. I then realised I was still dreaming. So I went off down the stairs again, along the way I meet my childhood dog and asked him to come with me. I find the sitting room door tied shut . I tear it open and find the grandfather who abused me sitting on a chair watching TV with a fire lighting. He got up and backed away from me with an alarmed look on his face. I grab him and tell him to get the fuck out of my head he replies I don’t know where it is. I try to punch through his head but struggle to do so, so I then proceed to squash him into the fireplace to burn him while my dog looks on , I then woke up . Bit of a heavy dream tried little bit of meditation after it to relax before I got on with my day. My dreams since have been happy enough , my sleep self also seems to excipiet a stronger ability to control things in the dreams which is nice.

I basically gave up the idea of telling work I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I decided it’s just nice to have a place where I am not treated as if I am going to freak out at any second and attack everyone, which is the way it is at home at times which is not nice to live with.Plus telling them this may cost me my job and like every one else I need the money.

Still practising meditation and running away at my slow pace but both practises seem to keep me happy.

Considering changing name of my blog to voicehearer548 as schizophrenia548 does not really feel right anymore.

I also went back to my previous therapist and realised when I was in there I really did not have anything to say. So he flicked through this blog and mentioned the other therapist I had been seeing seemed very judgemental which he would consider to be wrong , especially when it came to my parents.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight👍🏼

Therapy God and day to day stuff

Hope your well. Just back from a walk with my dog. Nice dry day but very cold. Feeling well so decided to place a few thoughts from the week here. Might be a bit heavy as always so give a miss if your already feeling down.

GOD AND THERAPY

Was in therapy during the week. The topic of God came up. She questioned me on where do I thing my grandfather who abused me was , so I said hell. When she questioned why I  should go to heaven , I replied I try to be good . She reacted like this was important, I did not particularly like comparing where my grandfather is to where I would like to end up, just didn’t seem right. I mentioned I Don’t believe in an God who does anything in the world. From what I have experienced and what I see in the world. She countered this by saying what about people like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela and we are here to learn things from this life. I replied by saying if there is anything to learn from surviving child abuse, I don’t want to learn it. I guess believing in God is a personal choice. I believe it is beneficial to believe in god for a few reasons but I just can’t have anything to do with organised religion espically because of the way the clergy dealt with child abuse in Ireland and other countries. The thoughts off an all seeing and knowing God just sitting there and watching children being abused, I guess I just can’t come to terms with. I think I have anger issues with God , not sure how to deal with that.

Had a flat tire on the bike when I came out of therapy. I thought I dealt with it well. I just rang insurance company who picked up bike within 40 minutes. I got a spin from my sister home 5 minutes later. I was home and eating my dinner with an hour of getting flat. So it was not so bad I guess. Was up and running with bike the next day.

DAY TO DAY STUFF

The brother in laws mother passed away. I know she had problems with her mental health and had Parkinson’s at the end. She could not eat and spend all of her time  just sitting down. People kept says not things like she does not have a life worth living. Despite this she fought to the very end to live. I would go to the funeral but the last time I went to a funeral I was in a severely phychotic state of mind and came within in a hairs breath of creating a scene at the funeral home. Also when it came to carry the coffin in to the church my cousin in front of the whole crowd outside the church said in a mocking tone with a smile on his face I heard you went mad. I had an odd reaction my brain just blacked out and I saw nothing for a second. He saw this and said with some excitement look you are , I think this reapeted a few times , with me blacking out each time , I guess my brain just wasn’t ready to deal with certain things and that’s how I reacted. I eventually said what are you doing we are here to pay our respects to my aunt and nothing else. I still can’t believe he did this in front of the whole crowd gathered outside the church. I decided not to go to funerals anymore not sure how that’s going to work out in the long run just have to see how it goes.

VOICES

Woke up early one morning with a voice I call Beatrice calling me an asshole reapetly non stop. I thought to myself who do it turn to at this time of the morning, since no one was around. I decided to turn to the voice calling me names , the only thing I could thing causing me any stress at some level, was when I go back to sleep at this time in the morning in the past I would wake up to disturbing dreams. So I said don’t worry I will give instructions to my subconscious before I go to sleep to keep everything fine. She said fuck off your not going back to sleep. I gave some instructions to my subconscious self like I will have peaceful sleep etc. The voice quitened down and I fell back to a peaceful sleep. They have been very quite since my therapy session during the week. They mostly repeat the same stuff but sometimes they can be a little friendly. I am never sure how to react when they are friendly.

TYPICAL SATURDAY

Had some thoughts yesturday about people watching me with cameras in the house and cooks commenting on the food I was cooking. I love having the kitchen to myself to cook food. Anyway I did not actually believe I was being spied on just that I had thoughts about it. I thought that maybe I was lonely and wanted to share aspects of my life with someone. Might run this past my therapist next time I see her see what she says. The end result of this is I want to give a summary of what I did yesturday just to share with someone. So her goes.

Woke up early got out of bed and went for 8mile maff run. It went well I was happy with the run. Came home had coffee with double cream and an omelette with mushrooms, onions and tomatoes. See picture below. Cod liver oil is the only thing I add to my diet other  whole foods.


Had an apple later on in the day did some stuff online and bit of shopping.Made some bars which I will cut up and eat during the week at work, see recipe on link below. They taste much nicer than they look if you can get mix of ingredients right. See picture below

Bars


For dinner got pork mince in the butcher, made burgers with garlic in them. And fried a courgette onions mushrooms tomatoes in coconut oil, And a small drop of wine. See picture below.


On the weekends for dessert I make a cake and eat with cream it tastes great and has no sugar or flour in it. See picture below.

 
I watched a bit of T.V. . Practised some mindfullness meditation and went to bed.

Feel free to comment on food in pictures if it looks good or bad but trust me it all taste good.

Well I have rambled on long enough, hope your weekend is going well.

Keep up the good fight👌🏽

I guess life is not as bad as I thought.

Trigger warning:child abuse,language.

During the week we got a phone call that my niece, who is 12 years old, was on the phone, with some video link with two other girls around the country. One of them invited a man from Abroad into the video link and that he may have done something explicit on the phone. My niece would not talk about it and they asked her mother to come up to Dublin to talk to her. We got the phone call when her mother was on the train to Dublin in a distraught state. I was having my dinner at the time and as expected got upset at the news. I might be sensitive to the topic from my experience of child abuse but I was surprised ever one else was so calm. I was doing my best to not cry but they all seemed fine. I then went on facebook and saw something about Trump and I could not help but think the world is just a fucked place to be. I got up early the next morning and decided to offer my savings in credit union to pay for any therapy my niece might need. Her mother text me back saying  she was fine that on my nieces phone she got no video and cut the guy off after 1min and basically saw nothing. Thank God for iPhones. My niece basically could not understand why her mother had come all the way to Dublin to see her. This was a great relief. I also see Trumps ban on certain people travelling has been blocked for now. I guess even when life does look fucked it can turn around and unfuck itself just as lively as it went bad.

Just back from the morning walk with the dog and feel prettie good about life. The reduced dose of medication seems to be going fine. There was one week over new year when things got bad with the voices but January seems to be going fine. I am trying to not react to anything negative the voices say and just accept my life as it is, and when I do react I have a habit of taking the piss out of them a bit.

 I used to have a lot of sexually violent and just violent stuff in general in my dreams which I used to find profoundly disturbing. I have read that people who experience things I have can experience this.I started to give what I call my sleep self instructions before I go to sleep. Things like I will be calm cool and collective in m dreams, I will have peaceful dreams, I will look for peaceful solutions to problems in my dreams, I will show everyone that consent is essential in my dreams. Been doing this a few months and the turn around in my dreams is amazing. There might be the odd thing but for the most part I have peaceful dreams and if anything sexual occurs in my dreams it’s just normal stuff. I could not be happier at the turnaround in my dreams over a few months by just giving few instructions before my sleep. I read somewhere that the subconscious may not understand not statements, like I will not have violent dreams so I avoid statements like this. I don’t wake as much at night anymore which is nice but can still do so some nights but as previosly mentioned, but for the most part I can sleep for seven hours without interruption.

 I did have a thought about something in work get stuck in my head during the week which I used to find  impossible to deal with in the past but I went for a run and tried to be very aware of what I was thinking and just put it out of my mind. I also had an odd feeling during the week where I was afraid off my own thoughts was not sure what to make of it but it seemed to work itself out not to bothered about it at the moment.

I came across a site on another blog which places mental and physical health issues next to each other. Found few interesting blogs about Phychosis and schizophrenia. Definitely worth a look if you have not seen it. See link here The mighty.

I try to fit in mindfulness meditation and autogenics every evening miss the odd evening when tired. I definitely find it helps with the mood I don’t feel as reactionary to things that happen around me. Things that would have annoyed me I just seem to smile at. That said things still annoy me just not as much.

I am considering going to holiday in Australia in December but not sure yet. I think I could pay for it with the overtime I do in work. Doing overtime every morning hope it lasts for another while. I stopped taking on work from previous employer as I just want evenings and weekends to myself and just don’t want the extra work.

Started back running maff after 2 weeks out with my cold. Thankfully my times at maff are not as slow as I expected after a break. Will gradually increase my miles over next month or so and hopefully continue to build my aerobic base. I will try not to expect anything just see how it goes.

Well that is all I have to ramble on about for now.

I guess from this week I should keep in mind even if things look dark they can turn around quite lively.

Keep up the good fight 👍🏼😀