Trigger warning , child abuse , suicide.
Firstly I need to work through some shit it my head so, if your already in bad form please do not read this post it might be bit moany and dark. I really don’t want to bring anyone down , but just need some were to get some shit out of my head.
As I have mentioned before I have been seeing a new therapist. She has come up with some ideas which I am trying to wrap my head around but struggle to make sense of. She got me to describe my life in brief to her.
She then described my parents as very neglectful. Also she believes my mother is an alcoholic, and was verbally abusive to me as a child which she considers a form of abuse. I believe she means that my parents did not provide a safe environment for me to grow up in. I can’t help but think everyone’s mother was just giving out to them, and that was the way things were. That said I don’t think my mother has a filter. I have a memory of her when I was a child of asking her why I was not allowed to go into first class with the rest of my friends, I was being held back. At first she did not answer but then she spun on me in an aggressive manner and said “Because your fucking stuiped”. Not very motherly I guess.
If I was to remember some things about my mother from my youth it would be that she is one of the most aggressive people I know and she and my father spend most nights in the pub , leaving me alone with my grandfather who was sexually abusive. I would like to say I have happy memories from my youth but for the most part I hated going home from school to see what mood the mother was in now. The therapist said alcoholism is a mental illness and all the things my mother worries about and anxiety she has is just part of it. I suppose I would like to say somewhere that this kind of behaviour in my youth was not acceptable.
I have a better relationship with my mother now but she is usually hung over in the morning and in foul mood and best avoided. She also seems to have a panic button for everything, and nearly everything I do she believes is because of my illness. My therapist believes this is part of her illness. She consumes about 6 pints of cider a night but nothing during the day. I thing she might have a problem I am considering saying to my GP when I get my injection today, to see what he thinks.
My father likes a pint and is usually quite, but I can remember some instances were he was very angry at me. He used to put me over his knee pull down my panse and hit me with a belt on the backside but this was 20 years ago I think this was normal enough then. I can remember one night he was drunk and angry at something and he punched me in the face. I believe this is not acceptable and he apologised for same. I said it was fine and not to worry about it. I would like to say it was not fine , punching people in the face is not acceptable, especially children.
I get along fine with my father now but we don’t talk much.
I have good memory’s from my youth but must of them are with my sisters when I was left to mind them. We just played games like any other children, and I was always thankful my parents were not around.
I find it difficult to believe my parents were neglectful. I believe they did there best like everyone’s else’s parents maybe they were just not very good at it but that said my sisters seemed to have turned out fine.
With the environment I grew up in , I guess my head dealt with it in a very unusual way. I created an alternate reality something like the marvel superhero stuff . I believed I was constantly attacked by people , aliens and governments trying to control me but I was always strong enough to hold my own. I would slip in and out of this reality on a regular basis. I would experience this as any one else would experience normal reality . For me it was real as anything else. My therapist said this was a clever way of dealing with my problems, I will be honest and say fucked if know what to make of it.
My therapist also mentioned that I mourn the life I could have had if I was not sexually abused. At first I did not realate to this but I have been aware of this since. I was in my sisters house and the kids were playing on the floor. I felt an overwhelming desire to just be like everyone else, but I got over it and felt fine the next day.
I was at the Christmas party yesturday and people were having a laugh and discussing there past, holidays and just stuff in general. I struggle to contribute to conversation and generally don’t like being in crowds anyway. But I started to think there is a reason I can’t relate to the conversations they were having about good memories and holidays and past girl friends. How I am supposed to relate all I know about life is paronia, doing everything I can to avoid people at every turn. I can’t even began to consider an intimate relationship with anyone. I don’t travel as it sounds like a nightmare in my mind , having to deal with all those people on your travels. I have spend a lot of my life going to work and coming home to my room playing PC games . And when I couldn’t function I just reatreted to my room and wanted nothing to do with the world. I don’t thing they want to hear how I spend nearly all of my thirties very Phychotic in and out of mental institions and a couple of suicide attempts. I just don’t think that would go down well in general conversion. If it was not for running I don’t think I would have said anything for the night. Thank god for running.
My therapist says I morn the life I could have had. The relationships, who knows maybe once I could have had kids. She says with some therapy and if I meet the right woman I could have a relationship. It not just that, its the day to day stuff , I look at someone in work they seem happy enough just sitting there not being phycotic. I tell myself just copy the normal people. They seem to sit there happy enough doing there work. I have to sit there telling myself people can’t hear my thoughts. And when I am in the next room ignore the voices of people talking about me it’s just my paranoia and how my brain works. I can have an odd reaction to someone in my personal space it’s like my mind planks out and I just pretend it’s not happening, I can get a bit freaked out by this but I thing I keep it in check.
I guess I am not a kid anymore and I have to take personal responsibility for my person. If I don’t have good memories than make some, but I know myself how my mind works I will literally do everything I can to avoid another human being. If I don’t start to try and enjoy life more, is what I should aim for is another year not being committed and staying employed. If it is fine I will accept that, I don’t have a bad life. When running goes well it’s great it really can change my state of mind from completely depressed to a great fucking day in first few minutes of run. Also the archery and pellet gun thing at the xmass party was fun. Might consider taking up archery in new year, just see what new year brings.
I will see were the therapy goes. I plan to try meditation over xmas people say that helps them. Might post a few bits over xmas they may not be very festive so avoid if your a bit down.
Keep up the good fight
I know I will 🎅🏼