Happy New Year/Despair to Hope

A new year.

A time for Hope.

A time for despair.

You choose.

So I have heard voices all my life. 14 years ago I hit the rocks ended up depressed for years and about 21 stone in weight. More or less sitting around broke and utterly miserable few suicide attempts in and out of mental health facilities. No money no job not exactly the happiest man you would speak to. No real hope for a future.

I would not recommend the experience. I made the decision about 6 years in get off my ass as I just could not continue as I was. Starting walking managed about a mile first day and nearly had a heart attack, I kept going and persisted badgered by voices every step of the way and my own inner demons. That decision lead me to wobble around three marathons and I have been working for the last 6 years. I have a strong faith in the Divine which helps.

I met the right people in circles and holistic healing course which brought me along leaps and bounds. It has not all been plane sailing. I have had many difficulties and pit stops along the way. So skip forward to this year my mind hit the same place it hit 14 years ago but this time I know from experience what to do or at least what not to do.

I eventually asked the right people for help the lock down here did not help. Also the fact I though I was invincible did not help either but eventually got the strength to ask for help. I choose to keep a positive outlook as best I could can be tricky with voices. Not sure if I won more than I lost but I set my intent and kept dusting myself off along the way. Learned about myself and others this year. I designed a set of cards for motivation and reading along the way hope to get them production next year. I ran a Facebook page to do motivational quotes during this time frame which I am very proud off given my state of mind. I have not had the need to be committed in about 9ish years which I am also very proud off it is extremely difficult to get off this circle of going in and out of mental institutions once it starts.

I think what differed this time to the last time was simply experience and just shear determination to not go back to where I was and of course a lot of help along the way from here and above. I am much better place now but of course like everyone still have work to do.

At any time during this year I could of simply choose utter disappear and done something that would of landed me right back in hospital or the morgue. I know as I have made decisions in the past that did so.

I guess what I am trying to say is you cannot choose what life throws at you but really can choose how to respond to it. I choose to what I can with what I have and not to forget to smile even if there are a few tears along the way.

Choose Hope not despair. You might be in the same situation but you would have at least some joy in your heart.

Happy new year

I wish you the best

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Just little extract from my diary (just give you some insight to where my mind is )as always take with a pinch of salt but never assume it is all mad. Best of luck figuring which. I use term V/P which cover voices or people which are getting hard to tell apart. Also just wondered do others have such experiences.

I would appear some local concerned V/P took the liberty to knock me right into trance/blackout with my mother in the room. I lose cognitive function just slightly did feel a lot of movement in energy in my hands and effect on my visuals. Like fluttering out of consciousness. I thought if I worked on my boundaries it would work and almost did and helped but did not stop them in the end. I believe had I my full cognitive capacity I would have left the room, which I believe I did not, I remind myself to do this in the future as it is safer. My mother was unaware of anything. I came do saying in my mind “I only work in love and light. I am asking you to leave.” Repeatedly. They then proceeded to show me imagery of horror stuff (intrusive thoughts) with the comment that is lovely imagery to have in your head. I was just coming out of slight black out and said I have whole universes in my head which looks so real I was convinced for a lot of my life they were, but they are not. I have imagery in my head of all sorts of heavenly and hellish things and I am not explaining it to anyone who just wonders by happily knocking me out, violating my being having their bit of fun and then fuckling off proud of themselves, they where messing around with local freak.

Did see two women walking off might of been them to paranoid to do much of anything. Once I regained me senses from this violation of my person. I said, I just do not care and just fuck off to V/P. It is my intent to repeat, as much as possible going forward and if they violate my mind just come back to my senses and tell them to kindly fuck off. One of the V/P would always argue I should not be around people as they are people with evil intention. I cannot really argue this anymore and hope to get out of here soon and away from such people as much as possible. I trust no one as they cannot be trusted but there are good people of course they are simply hard to see right now.

It can be tricky with V/P it seemed someone sneak into Neighbors and shouted something about move out you chancer., sort of hard to take this seriously other than I have meet many arseholes in my time. Also, neighbor’s dogs never went off so just ignoring, nice if I could keep nice flow like this when walking around it would be fun and on top of that there is some fucking thing interfering with my balls (tactile sensation) so 2020 apparently everyone is having a hard time. Which I am glad for the blessing of health for me and my family also keep my Uncle in mind as he has cancer. I am glad of the blessing of a new born in the family (safely & healthy for all involved). All of my family are clear of the bloody COVID-19 which is great. I am alive and breathing even came up with lovely slogan I got a giggle from. (will stick in picture at end) I have a roof over my head and technically still employed which is a blessing. I have a card with few quid to treat myself and someone else. I am surer of what I want to do in life, and I am excited to move forward with faith and hope in my heart. I am honestly curious were my life goes. Also, like Krishna Das has brilliant stuff if you are into chanting look him up on YouTube. I should throw him a few quid his stuff has helped me, wishing him well as he has Limes disease. I am thankful my Spiritual and Divine connection that comes through and has grown stronger. I just feel in the flow and happy to be alive. God is Good the Goddess is Good Life is good, but it is not all unicorns and rainbows. I reminded off cliché if it was not for the dark night how would we know the light. Sita Ram Sita Ram (Krishna Das song). I am thankful for new understanding of my being and others. I am thankful for the words Fuck Off I believe these will bring me much peace. I guess “No” would have done but hey some folks need clarifying. I am thankful for my ability to heal with help, to heal faster than I thought possible from a thing I would rather not speak off.

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—4

How we now this is continued on from God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—3.
So just want to summarize with few beliefs I have picked up and developed along the away with information I believe from the Divine as well. These are just my beliefs they are not meant to offend in anyway what’s so ever. I would not dream of arguing any of these with anyone as people are entitled to their beliefs some of which you need to figure out and come to yourself. Below extract from my personal diary tidied up a bit.

“How we now V/P went to have a go at my belief in God and science. I have no idea why. I can learn to adopt my beliefs as I go but no matter what I chose to believe in God/Goddess. I believe, I guess faith. I have done this blindly and I have tried and looked into things myself possibly guided to figure out stuff that has never or have not been done in a while I honestly don’t know. Other than when in a room with people that know their stuff and I kick off they give it labels I have no interest in. I am again greatly humbled by having experiences I would call Divine Love touching my life and heart when I was basically out of options this picked me up a lot.

Even when I was really in the shitter. I prayed I gave out to God (a little) I genuine believe there is no harm in this. God is more than able to take it just give him some thanks after. I had some old thoughts/beliefs about my hope science will figure out some stuff around the God stuff/Energy/conscious etc. that at least this part of science that will remain respected by all will actually become something else it’s a hope/belief not sure where form it originated from a while back.

I am not sure if I lost my faith once and just kept praying I can’t remember (I really struggled around my own sexual abuse as a child and others and the thought God sat by and just did nothing. I struggled with this a long time. I don’t remember if I came up with an answer. I cant remember now as lame as it sounds all I have in my head is God/Goddess is love and nothing else. Everything he/she does is out of love and would not want us to go through this. Part of my belief is we are here to learn and evolve and in my belief God surfers this pain to allow us to do so and I do mean pain.

As messed up as it sounds their have been incredible human beings born form absolute horror and also destroyed by it myself included . I don’t know. I know this sounds lame but again I am not God/Goddess and it is a belief, I came to from various experiences or guided to I cant remember there is to much in my head over the years. I need to get better at this part and grow more but I need to chill for a while. I would not argue this with anyone they are entitled to their beliefs as am I. I would never argue this as everyone makes their own piece with what they have.

I have other beliefs like this I would not dream of arguing with anyone people need to make their own piece with this or stay at war their call. I would always ask what that belief is benefiting for you and not argue with them. I pray like everyone else probably a lot less than everyone else (maybe I pray in my own way) one of the V/P asked why the Divine answered my call. The word love popped into my head. I mean I have tried hard to embrace compassion they mock me repeatedly because off this. I don’t know, I would imagine others have more love than I do like monks and stuff and like good people nurses etc. Honestly I don’t know. I have memory’s of things but I don’t know.

I have beliefs around certain things I got from mediation. They involve death at a young age and that they would have had such a painful life it was taken from them to begin again in a better life as fucked as that sounds. I have this belief it was feed back to me be a reliable medium that I know why this happens. Again this is my belief I would never argue with anyone, I feel this just fits with God/Goddess is Love. And again some children that live for a while can bring such light to the world it is incredible. I have no idea where this is all coming from other than it just feels right and I am crying with no idea why and the V/P are about to flip out. I work in love and light and ask them to leave. “

So that is my update for last while I got some cards designed during this time and believe I am blessed if a bit mad. I wish everyone well. I feel good and life is good. Enjoy the xmass and New Year. Might start posting again more regularly if I have anything interesting to post.

Until next time

Love and Light

Keep up the Good fight

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—3

This is carried on from God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—2. It took me many years to recover this involved realizing I hear voices that are not people along the way. Still believed V/P where working away in the background. Their where many experiences with myself and others I don’t think I should go into as they involve others.

Best as I can tell this sensitivity in my person can be used for some really weird stuff. Also I went off in the Divine vibe for a while and blessed energies sent my way from others I have no idea how any of it works also asked the Divine for blessings. I regret nothing but if I had to do over I would talk more and look peoples way as I was beyond not grounded from the abuse V/P and most of the time was not 100% sure what was going on but always asked for the highest resolution and best good for everything also placed Jesus and Angels central so as far as I am concerned it was all from the Divine and the highest good, I do not question them or God but realize I was over zealous like a lot but did the best with what I had at time. I learn as I grow and do better.

Also might be worth noting for last 14 years my thoughts seem to be able to be tuned into. It is really weird sometimes there is nothing and next you have all sorts of weird stuff going. It feels like people are talking to you but again there is no one there. Anyone I have asked has just flat out said no. So some of this might be able to be written off as mental illness as thought projection belief but I don’t think all of it can. This is really hard to tell and deeply confusing.

So fast forward to the lovely year of 2020. There was a psychic weekend, it was a lovely weekend with Tony StockWell he was on fire brilliant weekend. Highly recommend the guy there was another Divine event there great and everything but they seem to be followed by me being completely torn to pieces. I went through the same event that happened 14 years ago which brings up the most embracing stuff from your life teemed up with intrusive stuff is quite the wreaking ball again I associate it with V/P interference. So this is where it gets just a little weird. It would seem people in the community now seem to aware of the process and the stuff I am going through and naturally I am getting right weird reactions but mostly ignored. Which is great cause I am so not a people person. I don’t like the term schizophrenia but anyone with this label this is more or less their ultimate nightmare and mine. People keep their head down or act right weird and say stuff, I just ignore as they have done mostly to me for last while as I basically smiled and nodded at everyone like a complete Moran. This is not debatable so Fuck me Alice I just popped out of that rabbit hole going what the fuck.

I do my best to recover daily what took me years is now taking me weeks with a lot of help in particular one light worker who lives locally. I cannot thank her enough she seemed to figure out stuff about me in an instant which V/P would simply use to destroy me.

It would appear my reputation/mind/energies/body have more or less been completely plundered, raped and destroyed. (little dramatic perhaps but it does feel a little lie that at times)

I don’t seem to care as I genuinely believe divine love has touched my heart and it just keeps me alive even on the cranky ass days. I can be hard not to be cranky with the voices it’s like they drag your thoughts into stuff about you and others that’s not very nice. I do what I can. The Divine is Good.

Continued in Part 4

Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀

Meditation & day to day stuff

Meditation & Voices

Started practicing Autogenics in the morning as well as the evening. I am on the final part of the first phase it only takes couple of minutes and I feel my arms and legs get heavy so I think it’s working. I would really recommend it, might stick link on end of page to it.

Also been waking up a bit early so decided to practise mantra meditation in the mornings. Tried before but gave up the voices were quite intense at the time. I just reapet the same word or phrase over and over until I feel I have had enough. After I practised it this morning I felt very relaxed and calm. I just lay here in bed with my eyes closed listening to occasional voice that popped into my head and the various odd images I sometimes see when I close my eyes. I would answer the odd voice and react to odd image if I found it threatening but all in all I was very relaxed and I have never really made sense of images I see. It’s like your dreaming except your wide awake with your eyes closed.

Might look around for course on mindfulness. I use podcast of 20 minute meditation on the iPad most evenings. I believe it helps me accept where my life is , which I can sometimes struggle with. It also helps me focus on the moment which is good as I can spend most of the day in my head.

Voices quite enough this week. One of the voices I call Mary is trying to be helpful but neither of the two of us are used to interacting that way be interesting to see if stays that way. They still call me names and stuff but I don’t react as much. I guess at this stage I should accept that they might always call me unpleasant things, it doesn’t bother me as much.

Running

Went back running a day or two ago it went fine considering I was off for two weeks. I am determined to build an aerobic base through maff method. So I am back shuffling along the road and calling it running. It’s great to be back running it gives my mind something other than work to focus on. I think my dog is happier than me to be back running.

Work

Work seems to be going fine. I was going to tell them I have schizophrenia but ended up asking for a raise instead, not sure how that worked out. I might say it to them yet but I will see. There taking me up to an open day on the program I use next Wednesday. I guess it’s a day out of the office but I don’t like crowds so will just see how goes.

There was a bit of excitement in work Friday morning there was a leak in roof and there was water going everywhere. Not good for PC’s.  Myself and another guy where mopping up water with tea towels. 

Intrusive thoughts:

Intrusive thoughts is a subject When I looked at a few years ago and I could find out very little about. Also if you bring this up with a mental health professional you may get a very bad reaction. They are without doubt one of the main contributors to the reason I tried to commit suicide a few times. I regret having tried this but can’t change what I have done, and just try and do all I can to see it never happens again. I read an article this morning about a mother having intrusive thoughts about her baby. It is very interesting I would recommend if you have an interest in trying to understanding such things.

Link to intrusive thought article
Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾👍🏼👌🏽🏃🏼

Link to autogenics

Autogenics and Just some thoughts 

Not been doing much other than keeping the head down and working away. 

I did tell my family about sexual abuse I suffered by my grandfather last week. Also I said he was not to be mentioned in my house again, and his pictures to be removed from my house. They seemed fine about it and said I was courageous to tell them about it and sorry I had to go through it. Father suggested I find a group of people who went through same thing. Offered to go to therapy with me. I spend most of my time in the house avoiding parents I don’t fancy him coming to therapy with me. I did not really want to discuss it with them so when they both brought it up once I did not say much. We have not discussed it since which suits me. At least I don’t have to deal with him being in conversation again or have his pictures around the house. I told them by text as did not want to see there knee jerk reaction to it. I thought it went fine considering.

I am trying a lower dose of medication. I mentioned to doctor I was hearing more voices he wanted to up the meds again. I explained I was under a lot of stress at the time and this was the reason it happened. He agreed to keep on current dose . He looked like I had slapped his face when I mentioned sexual abuse. Not sure there is a way to say it happened nicely so I just blurt it out.

3-4 weeks ago voices got bad again but they have died down a bit again. I was thinking during the week of all the things they have threatened in last 10 years nothing has really happened I believe I should keep this in mind going forward. I find ignoring them useful and singing songs in my head over them also useful. I also take the piss out of them a bit and try to use humour. They say by doing this I am trying to befriend them like the last voice I was dealing with which I would laugh at a bit, this voice has started to fade a bit. Be interesting to see what happens in next few months with them. I still get tactile hallucinations(the feeling of being touched when no one is there) was never sure how to deal with this other than not freak out which I have had plenty of practise at. Currently very little visual hallucinations but they can happen again I think the key is not to freak out or read anything into them. I still wake few times a night this has been happeneing to me for years it doesn’t seem to adversely effect me . I don’t usually get nightmares anymore which were very bad and effecting my sleep for a good length of time. I whisper a few statements like, I will have good dreams, I will have peaceful dreams etc. This seems to keep dreams under control and mostly out of negative territory.

I started doing 20 mins mindfulness podcast on iTunes since start of the year every evening. Even do I have only started it I have found in work in stressful situations I seem to focus on my breath and immediately relax I intend to keep at it and see how it goes. Also found site on autogenics it looks interesting I intend to give that a go in the mornings before work if I can fit it in. Site link Autogenics  if anyone interested.

The sister has a facbook group about losing weight. Asked me about how much I lost and am maintaining. I have managed to maintain a weight loss of about 6 and a half stone. It kind of made me feel good about myself saying it on facebook. One person on facebook asked me about running marathon in Dublin , I just said enjoy the process and race day and forget about times.

I have considered going on dating website and going somewhere sunny on holidays but I have not decided on either of these and will just see how it goes. Currently saving money for extension but would consider saving some of this money for a holiday.

I have noticed I get a bit agitated in the house when people are in my personal space this is something I need to either get over or just make people aware off , I guess they don’t realise how much stress they are causing me.

I continue to see stuff about schizophrenics living shorter life spans and poor health etc. I feel this is all the more reason to take care of myself I would like to be around for another few years yet. It’s nice to realise this as in my thirties I just did not want to live which is a pretty shitty state of mind to have. Below is a link to one of this studies but at least it says physical health should be part of the treatment.

Study on health
Well that’s all my bits for the moment I plan to blog more this year as I believe it helps but most of the time I have nothing interesting to say. Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight 👌🏽

The Life that could of been

Trigger warning , child abuse , suicide.

Firstly I need to work through some shit it my head so, if your already in bad form please do not read this post it might be bit moany and dark. I really don’t want to bring anyone down , but just need some were to get some shit out of my head.

As I have mentioned before I have been seeing a new therapist. She has come up with some ideas which I am trying to wrap my head around but struggle to make sense of. She got me to describe my life in brief to her.

 She then described my parents as very neglectful. Also she believes my mother is an alcoholic, and was verbally abusive to me as a child which she  considers a form of abuse. I believe she means that my parents did not provide a safe environment for me to grow up in. I can’t help but think everyone’s mother was just giving out to them, and that was the way things were. That said I don’t think my mother has a filter. I have a memory of her when I was a child of asking her why I was not allowed to go into first class with the rest of my friends, I was being held back. At first she did not answer but then she spun on me in an aggressive manner and said “Because your fucking stuiped”. Not very motherly I guess.

 If I was to remember some things about my mother from my youth it would be that she is one of the most aggressive people I know and she and my father spend most nights in the pub , leaving me alone with my grandfather who was sexually abusive. I would like to say I have happy memories from my youth but for the most part I hated going home from school to see what mood the mother was in now. The therapist said alcoholism is a mental illness and all the things my mother worries about and anxiety she has is just part of it. I suppose I would like to say somewhere that this kind of behaviour in my youth was not acceptable. 

I have a better relationship with my mother now but she is usually hung over in the morning and in foul mood and best avoided. She also seems to have a panic button for everything, and nearly everything I do she believes is because of my illness. My therapist believes this is part of her illness. She consumes about 6 pints of cider a night but nothing during the day.  I thing she might have a problem I am considering saying to my GP when I get my injection today, to see what he thinks.

My father likes a pint and is usually quite, but I can remember some instances were he was very angry at me. He used to put me over his knee pull down my panse  and hit me with a belt on the backside but this was 20 years ago I think this was normal enough then. I can remember one night he was drunk and angry at something and he punched me in the face. I believe this is not acceptable and he apologised for same. I said it was fine and not to worry about it. I would like to say it was not fine , punching people in the face is not acceptable, especially children. 

I get along fine with my father now but we don’t talk much.

I have good memory’s from my youth but must of them are with my sisters when I was left to mind them. We just played games like any other children, and I was always thankful my parents were not around.

I find it difficult to believe my parents were neglectful. I believe they did there best like everyone’s else’s parents maybe they were just not very good at it but that said my sisters seemed to have turned out fine.

With the environment I grew up in , I guess my head dealt with it in a very unusual way. I created an alternate reality something like the marvel superhero stuff . I believed I was constantly attacked by people , aliens and governments trying to control me but I was always strong enough to hold my own. I would slip in and out of this reality on a regular basis. I would experience this as any one else would experience normal reality . For me it was real as anything else. My therapist said this was a clever way of dealing with my problems, I will be honest and say fucked if know what to make of it.

My therapist also mentioned that I mourn the life I could have had if I was not sexually abused. At first I did not realate to this but I have been aware of this since. I was in my sisters house and the kids were playing on the floor. I felt an overwhelming desire to just be like everyone else, but I got over it and felt fine the next day. 

I was at the Christmas party yesturday and people were having a laugh and discussing there past, holidays and just stuff in general. I struggle to contribute to conversation and generally don’t like being in crowds anyway. But I started to think there is a reason I can’t relate to the conversations they were having about good memories and holidays and past girl friends. How I am supposed to relate all I know about life is paronia, doing everything I can to avoid people at every turn. I can’t even began to consider an intimate relationship with anyone. I don’t travel as it sounds like a nightmare in my mind , having to deal with all those people on your travels. I have spend a lot of my life going to work and coming home to my room playing PC games . And when I couldn’t function I just reatreted to my room and wanted nothing to do with the world. I don’t thing they want to hear how I spend nearly all of my thirties very Phychotic in and out of mental institions and a couple of suicide attempts. I just don’t think that would go down well in general conversion. If it was not for running I don’t think I would have said anything for the night. Thank god for running.

My therapist says I morn the life I could have had. The relationships, who knows maybe once I could have had kids. She says with some therapy and if I meet the right woman I could have a relationship. It not just that, its the day to day stuff , I look at someone in work they seem happy enough just sitting there not being phycotic. I tell myself just copy the normal people. They seem to sit there happy enough doing there work. I have to sit there telling myself people can’t hear my thoughts. And when I am in the next room ignore the voices of people talking about me it’s just my paranoia and how my brain works. I can have an odd reaction to someone in my personal space it’s like my mind planks out and I just pretend it’s not happening, I can get a bit freaked out by this but I thing I keep it in check.

I guess I am not a kid anymore and I have to take personal responsibility for my person. If I don’t have good memories than make some, but I know myself how my mind works I will literally do everything I can to avoid another human being. If I don’t start to try and enjoy life more,  is what I should aim for is another year not being committed and staying employed. If it is fine I will accept that, I don’t have a bad life. When running goes well it’s great it really can change my state of mind from completely depressed to a great fucking day in first few minutes of run. Also the archery and pellet gun thing at the xmass party was fun. Might consider taking up archery in new year, just see what new year brings.

 I will see were the therapy goes. I plan to try meditation over xmas people say that helps them. Might post a few bits over xmas they may not be very festive so avoid if your a bit down.

Keep up the good fight

I know I will 🎅🏼

Just another episode

Trigger warning, language and suicide and child abuse.

Not sure where this post is going to go or if it will just sound completely mad. So let’s just see what happens.

I have tried to paint the label I have been given in a positive way but I feel I have let myself down by not talking more about the negative aspects of my illness.

I have not had what I would consider an episode in a while, I will try to describe it without sounding mad but that may be impossible.

This is hard to explain but I will try some of it may just be paronia and usual beliefs but a little may be true.

Sometimes when I am interacting with the voices they make me laugh, sometimes they are inadvertently funny and at times I annoy them and I enjoy winding them up they play along and I might laugh a bit. I would imagine this is quite mad looking a guy sitting in a quite office not laughing out loud but smiling and the odd giggle to himself.

Some time ago and the woman sitting opposite me started acting very annoyed that I was laughing at her the voices noticed this also , and would do there best to wind me up every time she would ask a question to main office guy. She became very angry and I just can’t deal with angry people , and did not really want to explain to her why was going on as I would look completely mad , which to the average lay person I guess I am. This continued for some time I became paranoid considered leaving but it is a good job so I stuck it out. After a while it seemed to stop not sure if I stopped laughing or she just ignored me and it stopped. Unfortunately this plays into my old paronia of me being an evil man which at the time caused me more problems but as I say other than the odd event this seemed to fade away. Hope this paragraph made some sense😊.

Fast forward to last Friday , I was smiling away to myself (yes I know if I would just stop smiling there would be no issue). I got the impression the woman and main office guy where looking at me, thinking I was laughing at them(I think this part was just paranoid). I literally spiralled out of control in my mind . I thought how dare they thing I was just such a shit that I would laugh at them, I was so angry. I became more and more angry I literally started to tell every thought I had to fuck off and telling the people around me the same thing just in my head thankfully, then the old paranoia of thought projection kicked in, i thought people where reading my thoughts and I was being so aggressive towards them again just in my thoughts. I wanted to run screaming from the room I had become so angry at the people around me, but I had another hour left in work. So I kept telling myself to hang in there as I have worked through these conditions before.Then I though I was having a phycotic episode I tried to talk myself out of it with some success but 5mins after I calmed my mind I was absolutely raging again. I think at this stage I looked quite mad 😡, I was still working away through my model on PC but I think i had some facial expressions that would have not looked to friendly. I reminded myself of some very angry voices I had experienced some years before which just said fuck off over and over day and night. I was literally expressing the same anger in the same way. I eventually became so angry I had thoughts of suicide (I have no intentions of harming myself so don’t worry). I then had the thought that if I was unhappy with my life to change it not commit suicide, the suicide thoughts then abated. I would just like to point out I have no history of violence to others I seem to get fucked in the head and harm myself. It is hard to express how angry I was for example there was a xmass song playing on the radio and I was literally telling the singer to fuck off , not a day before I would have enjoyed the song. An old paronia of the talking to people on the radio also reared its head.

It was then time to go home, I had decided the best plan of action was to go home asap walk the dog. Make myself a nice home cooked dinner with a small glass of wine and bake a cake. Which I did but again once one of these episodes kicks in the thought starts spinning in your head , I write story in my head around the incident where I have super powers which in itself is not an issue. Until you start believing them and they get utterly stuck in your head and literally this is all you think about driving more mad and upset by the second. I started policing my thoughts every time the strayed to the incident Friday and I would write stories in my head , I would skip my thoughts to something else and did so. I went for a nice run Saturday , when I run I believe the phycotic state of mind is stopped and I just run which is great. I had to continue to police my thoughts Saturday night and Sunday morning but I have completely calmed down and am quite happy in myself again. Thank God 👍🏼

I guess you might be wondering why such a small thing would kick such an angry reaction in my head. The best I can figure out is I have been talking to new psychologist about child abuse I have survived as a kid, 2 days before she asked me to write a letter to the man who abused me , I tried but I felt a bit numb and did not write much. I could be wrong but it would be typical of me to express the anger I felt towards him through an episode a day or 2 later.

Sunday morning I was having trouble keeping my thought off  the incident so went on word press to waste a bit of time, Had bit of chat with a nice person on WordPress, and started the day well. I decided to express what I experienced here.

Well that’s the best I can do to describe what I would call an episode I can go through. I guess I can say if one of these episodes happened in the past I would not be able to pull back from it, would have spend months in erratic behaviour patterns and most likely would have attempt suicide, so I guess I am getting better at dealing with them. Maybe the anger I felt was about my grandfather who abused me and not to the people around me they just happened to be there, and the anger needed to be expressed.

I off for a walk with the dog a little cycle and watch some good tv for rest of day. Hope this post finds you well.

Sorry if this is bit heavy for this time of year just needed to say it some where

Keep on trucking

Happy xmass

Happy new year.

Where I am at for now(trigger warning)

Just wanted to jot down some notes at where my life is at for the moment.

I am continuing my medication and for the most part I am balanced enough.

I still have audio hallucinations but they do say the occasional positive thing now it is not all negative. I started telling them story’s each night. I would start by asking them do they want a story, if yes I would ask was there any particular topic . I would then make an effort to make up a story that they would listen to. She (Beatrice I have come to calling here instead of just hurling insults at each other) would then usually complain the story was not much good which to be fair it isn’t but it is better than the interaction we used to have where she would get very aggressive. For the most part they let me work away during the day.

The voices during the day are Beatrice and Mary and just Beatrice at night and the morning. Mary seems to have takin an interest in my training were I breath just through my noise (which I will go through later). They are both still adamant I am evil and there purpose is to destroy me but I no longer believe I am evil. I used to have a lot of thoughts about not wanting to live but they are not as strong. Possible they are just acting out this part of my being it’s hard to tell.

I still get tactile hallucinations (feeling of being touched when there is no one there) which can be a bit disturbing. However I have had this so long it doesn’t really bother me anymore , it seems to relate to being abused as a child.

I get very little visual hallucinations, at the moment they are inclined to be in the morning. For example I woke up and saw my motorbike helmet floating on the ceiling. I said to myself come on brain and it disappeared. Also see shadows but when I stare at them they disappear and again something I have gotten used to. I can get bit paranoid about shadows but I keep it under control.

In general I can spot paranoid thought and keep them under control. I try to monitor my thoughts in general. If I find a particular thought process going down bad path I try to correct it. In general I try to stay as positive as possible. Which brings me to the negative symptoms of my illness.

I have found my motivation a bit lacking from time to time but I keep going and seem to manage. Also feel a little depressed sometimes but I think no more than anyone else. I seem to get through the day and things generally work out.

My sleep is not perfect I can wake during the night but can get back to sleep again. My dreams can be disturbing and wake me but in general I get enough sleep. Started reading a book about understanding dreams but find it very vague.

Started back running after some time off only have few runs done but I guess it’s going ok. Got some gout in my big toe made it tricky to run. I am modifying my diet to eat less beef hopefully this will sort it out. I saw a test in a book that said a person should be able to hold there breath for 50 secs,  I could barely manage 27 at first which it stated this is an issue with my diagram. I started walking by just breathing through my noise which was difficult at first but gradually got easier. I tried some light jogging doing the same. I think it’s been about 2 months of this and can now hold my breath for 40 seconds, I hope this continues to improve and gets up to the 50 seconds. My weight thankfully has stayed the same when I have not been running.

I got the idea to build an extension on to the house. And build a bathroom down stairs. Started saving money in the credit union for last few months. I believe it will take 4 years to get money saved. Started drawing plan on cad which woman in work is giving me a hand in doing which is useful as she has some experience at it. No idea if it will ever happen but it will be handy to have money saved either way. I find it useful to set goals like this helps keep me motivated.

It has gone a bit quite at work which has me a little worried. Started taking on extra work else were just in  case I get let go. Plus the money would useful for extension.

Doing some free courses online to keep busy. I hate turning on television before 6 in the evening as I consider that a waste of a day. Currently doing courses on mental health and maths. Considering paying for course with open university but will hold off until work picks up a bit.

As always no real social life or love life but I am mostly happy enough with my life and find people very stressful to interact with. The interaction with people at work is enough for me.

I am still seeing a councillor once in a while, I don’t have much to say but it can be nice to talk. I did a course recently which pointed out the fact that recovery from my illness, some might consider to be managing my illness so I can function in society. I think for the moment and hopefully the foreseeable future I can consider my self recovered (Beatrice point out she hates me writing that after all her efforts to do otherwise, I do my best to keep the peace with her but I am no saint).

I also find WordPress interesting for people who are going through similar things and finding general information on my illness.

I think I have rambled on long enough, hope this post finds you well.

Enjoy.