Meditation & day to day stuff

Meditation & Voices

Started practicing Autogenics in the morning as well as the evening. I am on the final part of the first phase it only takes couple of minutes and I feel my arms and legs get heavy so I think it’s working. I would really recommend it, might stick link on end of page to it.

Also been waking up a bit early so decided to practise mantra meditation in the mornings. Tried before but gave up the voices were quite intense at the time. I just reapet the same word or phrase over and over until I feel I have had enough. After I practised it this morning I felt very relaxed and calm. I just lay here in bed with my eyes closed listening to occasional voice that popped into my head and the various odd images I sometimes see when I close my eyes. I would answer the odd voice and react to odd image if I found it threatening but all in all I was very relaxed and I have never really made sense of images I see. It’s like your dreaming except your wide awake with your eyes closed.

Might look around for course on mindfulness. I use podcast of 20 minute meditation on the iPad most evenings. I believe it helps me accept where my life is , which I can sometimes struggle with. It also helps me focus on the moment which is good as I can spend most of the day in my head.

Voices quite enough this week. One of the voices I call Mary is trying to be helpful but neither of the two of us are used to interacting that way be interesting to see if stays that way. They still call me names and stuff but I don’t react as much. I guess at this stage I should accept that they might always call me unpleasant things, it doesn’t bother me as much.

Running

Went back running a day or two ago it went fine considering I was off for two weeks. I am determined to build an aerobic base through maff method. So I am back shuffling along the road and calling it running. It’s great to be back running it gives my mind something other than work to focus on. I think my dog is happier than me to be back running.

Work

Work seems to be going fine. I was going to tell them I have schizophrenia but ended up asking for a raise instead, not sure how that worked out. I might say it to them yet but I will see. There taking me up to an open day on the program I use next Wednesday. I guess it’s a day out of the office but I don’t like crowds so will just see how goes.

There was a bit of excitement in work Friday morning there was a leak in roof and there was water going everywhere. Not good for PC’s.  Myself and another guy where mopping up water with tea towels. 

Intrusive thoughts:

Intrusive thoughts is a subject When I looked at a few years ago and I could find out very little about. Also if you bring this up with a mental health professional you may get a very bad reaction. They are without doubt one of the main contributors to the reason I tried to commit suicide a few times. I regret having tried this but can’t change what I have done, and just try and do all I can to see it never happens again. I read an article this morning about a mother having intrusive thoughts about her baby. It is very interesting I would recommend if you have an interest in trying to understanding such things.

Link to intrusive thought article
Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾👍🏼👌🏽🏃🏼

Link to autogenics

Autogenics and Just some thoughts 

Not been doing much other than keeping the head down and working away. 

I did tell my family about sexual abuse I suffered by my grandfather last week. Also I said he was not to be mentioned in my house again, and his pictures to be removed from my house. They seemed fine about it and said I was courageous to tell them about it and sorry I had to go through it. Father suggested I find a group of people who went through same thing. Offered to go to therapy with me. I spend most of my time in the house avoiding parents I don’t fancy him coming to therapy with me. I did not really want to discuss it with them so when they both brought it up once I did not say much. We have not discussed it since which suits me. At least I don’t have to deal with him being in conversation again or have his pictures around the house. I told them by text as did not want to see there knee jerk reaction to it. I thought it went fine considering.

I am trying a lower dose of medication. I mentioned to doctor I was hearing more voices he wanted to up the meds again. I explained I was under a lot of stress at the time and this was the reason it happened. He agreed to keep on current dose . He looked like I had slapped his face when I mentioned sexual abuse. Not sure there is a way to say it happened nicely so I just blurt it out.

3-4 weeks ago voices got bad again but they have died down a bit again. I was thinking during the week of all the things they have threatened in last 10 years nothing has really happened I believe I should keep this in mind going forward. I find ignoring them useful and singing songs in my head over them also useful. I also take the piss out of them a bit and try to use humour. They say by doing this I am trying to befriend them like the last voice I was dealing with which I would laugh at a bit, this voice has started to fade a bit. Be interesting to see what happens in next few months with them. I still get tactile hallucinations(the feeling of being touched when no one is there) was never sure how to deal with this other than not freak out which I have had plenty of practise at. Currently very little visual hallucinations but they can happen again I think the key is not to freak out or read anything into them. I still wake few times a night this has been happeneing to me for years it doesn’t seem to adversely effect me . I don’t usually get nightmares anymore which were very bad and effecting my sleep for a good length of time. I whisper a few statements like, I will have good dreams, I will have peaceful dreams etc. This seems to keep dreams under control and mostly out of negative territory.

I started doing 20 mins mindfulness podcast on iTunes since start of the year every evening. Even do I have only started it I have found in work in stressful situations I seem to focus on my breath and immediately relax I intend to keep at it and see how it goes. Also found site on autogenics it looks interesting I intend to give that a go in the mornings before work if I can fit it in. Site link Autogenics  if anyone interested.

The sister has a facbook group about losing weight. Asked me about how much I lost and am maintaining. I have managed to maintain a weight loss of about 6 and a half stone. It kind of made me feel good about myself saying it on facebook. One person on facebook asked me about running marathon in Dublin , I just said enjoy the process and race day and forget about times.

I have considered going on dating website and going somewhere sunny on holidays but I have not decided on either of these and will just see how it goes. Currently saving money for extension but would consider saving some of this money for a holiday.

I have noticed I get a bit agitated in the house when people are in my personal space this is something I need to either get over or just make people aware off , I guess they don’t realise how much stress they are causing me.

I continue to see stuff about schizophrenics living shorter life spans and poor health etc. I feel this is all the more reason to take care of myself I would like to be around for another few years yet. It’s nice to realise this as in my thirties I just did not want to live which is a pretty shitty state of mind to have. Below is a link to one of this studies but at least it says physical health should be part of the treatment.

Study on health
Well that’s all my bits for the moment I plan to blog more this year as I believe it helps but most of the time I have nothing interesting to say. Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight 👌🏽

The Life that could of been

Trigger warning , child abuse , suicide.

Firstly I need to work through some shit it my head so, if your already in bad form please do not read this post it might be bit moany and dark. I really don’t want to bring anyone down , but just need some were to get some shit out of my head.

As I have mentioned before I have been seeing a new therapist. She has come up with some ideas which I am trying to wrap my head around but struggle to make sense of. She got me to describe my life in brief to her.

 She then described my parents as very neglectful. Also she believes my mother is an alcoholic, and was verbally abusive to me as a child which she  considers a form of abuse. I believe she means that my parents did not provide a safe environment for me to grow up in. I can’t help but think everyone’s mother was just giving out to them, and that was the way things were. That said I don’t think my mother has a filter. I have a memory of her when I was a child of asking her why I was not allowed to go into first class with the rest of my friends, I was being held back. At first she did not answer but then she spun on me in an aggressive manner and said “Because your fucking stuiped”. Not very motherly I guess.

 If I was to remember some things about my mother from my youth it would be that she is one of the most aggressive people I know and she and my father spend most nights in the pub , leaving me alone with my grandfather who was sexually abusive. I would like to say I have happy memories from my youth but for the most part I hated going home from school to see what mood the mother was in now. The therapist said alcoholism is a mental illness and all the things my mother worries about and anxiety she has is just part of it. I suppose I would like to say somewhere that this kind of behaviour in my youth was not acceptable. 

I have a better relationship with my mother now but she is usually hung over in the morning and in foul mood and best avoided. She also seems to have a panic button for everything, and nearly everything I do she believes is because of my illness. My therapist believes this is part of her illness. She consumes about 6 pints of cider a night but nothing during the day.  I thing she might have a problem I am considering saying to my GP when I get my injection today, to see what he thinks.

My father likes a pint and is usually quite, but I can remember some instances were he was very angry at me. He used to put me over his knee pull down my panse  and hit me with a belt on the backside but this was 20 years ago I think this was normal enough then. I can remember one night he was drunk and angry at something and he punched me in the face. I believe this is not acceptable and he apologised for same. I said it was fine and not to worry about it. I would like to say it was not fine , punching people in the face is not acceptable, especially children. 

I get along fine with my father now but we don’t talk much.

I have good memory’s from my youth but must of them are with my sisters when I was left to mind them. We just played games like any other children, and I was always thankful my parents were not around.

I find it difficult to believe my parents were neglectful. I believe they did there best like everyone’s else’s parents maybe they were just not very good at it but that said my sisters seemed to have turned out fine.

With the environment I grew up in , I guess my head dealt with it in a very unusual way. I created an alternate reality something like the marvel superhero stuff . I believed I was constantly attacked by people , aliens and governments trying to control me but I was always strong enough to hold my own. I would slip in and out of this reality on a regular basis. I would experience this as any one else would experience normal reality . For me it was real as anything else. My therapist said this was a clever way of dealing with my problems, I will be honest and say fucked if know what to make of it.

My therapist also mentioned that I mourn the life I could have had if I was not sexually abused. At first I did not realate to this but I have been aware of this since. I was in my sisters house and the kids were playing on the floor. I felt an overwhelming desire to just be like everyone else, but I got over it and felt fine the next day. 

I was at the Christmas party yesturday and people were having a laugh and discussing there past, holidays and just stuff in general. I struggle to contribute to conversation and generally don’t like being in crowds anyway. But I started to think there is a reason I can’t relate to the conversations they were having about good memories and holidays and past girl friends. How I am supposed to relate all I know about life is paronia, doing everything I can to avoid people at every turn. I can’t even began to consider an intimate relationship with anyone. I don’t travel as it sounds like a nightmare in my mind , having to deal with all those people on your travels. I have spend a lot of my life going to work and coming home to my room playing PC games . And when I couldn’t function I just reatreted to my room and wanted nothing to do with the world. I don’t thing they want to hear how I spend nearly all of my thirties very Phychotic in and out of mental institions and a couple of suicide attempts. I just don’t think that would go down well in general conversion. If it was not for running I don’t think I would have said anything for the night. Thank god for running.

My therapist says I morn the life I could have had. The relationships, who knows maybe once I could have had kids. She says with some therapy and if I meet the right woman I could have a relationship. It not just that, its the day to day stuff , I look at someone in work they seem happy enough just sitting there not being phycotic. I tell myself just copy the normal people. They seem to sit there happy enough doing there work. I have to sit there telling myself people can’t hear my thoughts. And when I am in the next room ignore the voices of people talking about me it’s just my paranoia and how my brain works. I can have an odd reaction to someone in my personal space it’s like my mind planks out and I just pretend it’s not happening, I can get a bit freaked out by this but I thing I keep it in check.

I guess I am not a kid anymore and I have to take personal responsibility for my person. If I don’t have good memories than make some, but I know myself how my mind works I will literally do everything I can to avoid another human being. If I don’t start to try and enjoy life more,  is what I should aim for is another year not being committed and staying employed. If it is fine I will accept that, I don’t have a bad life. When running goes well it’s great it really can change my state of mind from completely depressed to a great fucking day in first few minutes of run. Also the archery and pellet gun thing at the xmass party was fun. Might consider taking up archery in new year, just see what new year brings.

 I will see were the therapy goes. I plan to try meditation over xmas people say that helps them. Might post a few bits over xmas they may not be very festive so avoid if your a bit down.

Keep up the good fight

I know I will 🎅🏼

Just another episode

Trigger warning, language and suicide and child abuse.

Not sure where this post is going to go or if it will just sound completely mad. So let’s just see what happens.

I have tried to paint the label I have been given in a positive way but I feel I have let myself down by not talking more about the negative aspects of my illness.

I have not had what I would consider an episode in a while, I will try to describe it without sounding mad but that may be impossible.

This is hard to explain but I will try some of it may just be paronia and usual beliefs but a little may be true.

Sometimes when I am interacting with the voices they make me laugh, sometimes they are inadvertently funny and at times I annoy them and I enjoy winding them up they play along and I might laugh a bit. I would imagine this is quite mad looking a guy sitting in a quite office not laughing out loud but smiling and the odd giggle to himself.

Some time ago and the woman sitting opposite me started acting very annoyed that I was laughing at her the voices noticed this also , and would do there best to wind me up every time she would ask a question to main office guy. She became very angry and I just can’t deal with angry people , and did not really want to explain to her why was going on as I would look completely mad , which to the average lay person I guess I am. This continued for some time I became paranoid considered leaving but it is a good job so I stuck it out. After a while it seemed to stop not sure if I stopped laughing or she just ignored me and it stopped. Unfortunately this plays into my old paronia of me being an evil man which at the time caused me more problems but as I say other than the odd event this seemed to fade away. Hope this paragraph made some sense😊.

Fast forward to last Friday , I was smiling away to myself (yes I know if I would just stop smiling there would be no issue). I got the impression the woman and main office guy where looking at me, thinking I was laughing at them(I think this part was just paranoid). I literally spiralled out of control in my mind . I thought how dare they thing I was just such a shit that I would laugh at them, I was so angry. I became more and more angry I literally started to tell every thought I had to fuck off and telling the people around me the same thing just in my head thankfully, then the old paranoia of thought projection kicked in, i thought people where reading my thoughts and I was being so aggressive towards them again just in my thoughts. I wanted to run screaming from the room I had become so angry at the people around me, but I had another hour left in work. So I kept telling myself to hang in there as I have worked through these conditions before.Then I though I was having a phycotic episode I tried to talk myself out of it with some success but 5mins after I calmed my mind I was absolutely raging again. I think at this stage I looked quite mad 😡, I was still working away through my model on PC but I think i had some facial expressions that would have not looked to friendly. I reminded myself of some very angry voices I had experienced some years before which just said fuck off over and over day and night. I was literally expressing the same anger in the same way. I eventually became so angry I had thoughts of suicide (I have no intentions of harming myself so don’t worry). I then had the thought that if I was unhappy with my life to change it not commit suicide, the suicide thoughts then abated. I would just like to point out I have no history of violence to others I seem to get fucked in the head and harm myself. It is hard to express how angry I was for example there was a xmass song playing on the radio and I was literally telling the singer to fuck off , not a day before I would have enjoyed the song. An old paronia of the talking to people on the radio also reared its head.

It was then time to go home, I had decided the best plan of action was to go home asap walk the dog. Make myself a nice home cooked dinner with a small glass of wine and bake a cake. Which I did but again once one of these episodes kicks in the thought starts spinning in your head , I write story in my head around the incident where I have super powers which in itself is not an issue. Until you start believing them and they get utterly stuck in your head and literally this is all you think about driving more mad and upset by the second. I started policing my thoughts every time the strayed to the incident Friday and I would write stories in my head , I would skip my thoughts to something else and did so. I went for a nice run Saturday , when I run I believe the phycotic state of mind is stopped and I just run which is great. I had to continue to police my thoughts Saturday night and Sunday morning but I have completely calmed down and am quite happy in myself again. Thank God 👍🏼

I guess you might be wondering why such a small thing would kick such an angry reaction in my head. The best I can figure out is I have been talking to new psychologist about child abuse I have survived as a kid, 2 days before she asked me to write a letter to the man who abused me , I tried but I felt a bit numb and did not write much. I could be wrong but it would be typical of me to express the anger I felt towards him through an episode a day or 2 later.

Sunday morning I was having trouble keeping my thought off  the incident so went on word press to waste a bit of time, Had bit of chat with a nice person on WordPress, and started the day well. I decided to express what I experienced here.

Well that’s the best I can do to describe what I would call an episode I can go through. I guess I can say if one of these episodes happened in the past I would not be able to pull back from it, would have spend months in erratic behaviour patterns and most likely would have attempt suicide, so I guess I am getting better at dealing with them. Maybe the anger I felt was about my grandfather who abused me and not to the people around me they just happened to be there, and the anger needed to be expressed.

I off for a walk with the dog a little cycle and watch some good tv for rest of day. Hope this post finds you well.

Sorry if this is bit heavy for this time of year just needed to say it some where

Keep on trucking

Happy xmass

Happy new year.

Where I am at for now(trigger warning)

Just wanted to jot down some notes at where my life is at for the moment.

I am continuing my medication and for the most part I am balanced enough.

I still have audio hallucinations but they do say the occasional positive thing now it is not all negative. I started telling them story’s each night. I would start by asking them do they want a story, if yes I would ask was there any particular topic . I would then make an effort to make up a story that they would listen to. She (Beatrice I have come to calling here instead of just hurling insults at each other) would then usually complain the story was not much good which to be fair it isn’t but it is better than the interaction we used to have where she would get very aggressive. For the most part they let me work away during the day.

The voices during the day are Beatrice and Mary and just Beatrice at night and the morning. Mary seems to have takin an interest in my training were I breath just through my noise (which I will go through later). They are both still adamant I am evil and there purpose is to destroy me but I no longer believe I am evil. I used to have a lot of thoughts about not wanting to live but they are not as strong. Possible they are just acting out this part of my being it’s hard to tell.

I still get tactile hallucinations (feeling of being touched when there is no one there) which can be a bit disturbing. However I have had this so long it doesn’t really bother me anymore , it seems to relate to being abused as a child.

I get very little visual hallucinations, at the moment they are inclined to be in the morning. For example I woke up and saw my motorbike helmet floating on the ceiling. I said to myself come on brain and it disappeared. Also see shadows but when I stare at them they disappear and again something I have gotten used to. I can get bit paranoid about shadows but I keep it under control.

In general I can spot paranoid thought and keep them under control. I try to monitor my thoughts in general. If I find a particular thought process going down bad path I try to correct it. In general I try to stay as positive as possible. Which brings me to the negative symptoms of my illness.

I have found my motivation a bit lacking from time to time but I keep going and seem to manage. Also feel a little depressed sometimes but I think no more than anyone else. I seem to get through the day and things generally work out.

My sleep is not perfect I can wake during the night but can get back to sleep again. My dreams can be disturbing and wake me but in general I get enough sleep. Started reading a book about understanding dreams but find it very vague.

Started back running after some time off only have few runs done but I guess it’s going ok. Got some gout in my big toe made it tricky to run. I am modifying my diet to eat less beef hopefully this will sort it out. I saw a test in a book that said a person should be able to hold there breath for 50 secs,  I could barely manage 27 at first which it stated this is an issue with my diagram. I started walking by just breathing through my noise which was difficult at first but gradually got easier. I tried some light jogging doing the same. I think it’s been about 2 months of this and can now hold my breath for 40 seconds, I hope this continues to improve and gets up to the 50 seconds. My weight thankfully has stayed the same when I have not been running.

I got the idea to build an extension on to the house. And build a bathroom down stairs. Started saving money in the credit union for last few months. I believe it will take 4 years to get money saved. Started drawing plan on cad which woman in work is giving me a hand in doing which is useful as she has some experience at it. No idea if it will ever happen but it will be handy to have money saved either way. I find it useful to set goals like this helps keep me motivated.

It has gone a bit quite at work which has me a little worried. Started taking on extra work else were just in  case I get let go. Plus the money would useful for extension.

Doing some free courses online to keep busy. I hate turning on television before 6 in the evening as I consider that a waste of a day. Currently doing courses on mental health and maths. Considering paying for course with open university but will hold off until work picks up a bit.

As always no real social life or love life but I am mostly happy enough with my life and find people very stressful to interact with. The interaction with people at work is enough for me.

I am still seeing a councillor once in a while, I don’t have much to say but it can be nice to talk. I did a course recently which pointed out the fact that recovery from my illness, some might consider to be managing my illness so I can function in society. I think for the moment and hopefully the foreseeable future I can consider my self recovered (Beatrice point out she hates me writing that after all her efforts to do otherwise, I do my best to keep the peace with her but I am no saint).

I also find WordPress interesting for people who are going through similar things and finding general information on my illness.

I think I have rambled on long enough, hope this post finds you well.

Enjoy.

My life is worth living

Not sure how to start this but noticed 2 things in the media recently. (Trigger warning suicide and child abuse)

One a woman who had been sexually asaultied, I can’t remember if it was as a child or a woman. Had been given permission to euthanize herself. I think this was the wrong  choice to make and can’t help but think if she held in there she may have gotten to a place in her life where she would have been relatively happy. I have the memory of being sexually abused as far back as my memory goes to around the age of six or seven and of some repeat occurances at age 16.

I won’t lie I believe this had a serious impact on my life, I have tried to take my life on a few occasions and been diagnosed with schizophrenia, deppression and can’t get my head around being in a relationship. I really struggle in social situations. All that said I also have memory’s of finishing marathons, nice easy runs   On sunny days with my dog, just walking with my dog on a nice day. Some good conversations with people, good music, films, books and food. The sense of accomplishment of losing 7 stone and holding a job for the best part of 3 years and finally managing to stay clear of mental institutions for a few years.

I also read that people have an attitude that people with mental health difficulties are better off dead. I would completely disagree with this , I have a life worth living . There are hard dark days but I manage . There is joy and sadness in my life , I just need to place an effort into staying stable and it is worth it.

To say again MY LIFE IS WORTH LIVING . I am not saying it was or is easy but definitely worth it. If any one thinks otherwise feel free to fuck off.

Also doing free online course on understanding depression anxiety and CBT , I find it very interesting , you can do it at your own pace . See link below if any one interested.

Course link here

This post is not meant to cause any offensive to anyone it is just my opinion unless you think my life is not worth living In which case fuck off.

Sorry about language

keep on trucking