Morning lovely day here in Cobh. The Sun is shining bit cold but lovely spot. So going to say some nice stuff before I go onto more embarrassing and just plain mad stuff. Maybe it is all mad I don’t know any more.
Below was meant to sound happy but when I typed it. Maybe its just a bit sad with a happy vibe mostly just like sad.
So went for a walk thought I might need a Hurley to defend myself as bit paranoid at the moment. I left it at home and was a bit surprised people where saying hello and a bit taken back as I truly believed they all wanted me dead. Picked up pace I guess I ignored some as just wanted to get home did my best even looked at one guy and said hello this is more than a bit unusual for me these days and very much try and avoid any contact with people. I trust no one as I have learned it is much safer this way. I think one guy called me a rat I just ignored him. I felt I picked up on emotions on the way around but I just ignored them. I have no idea what to do with this information. The dog got to have great run at a field I like to get to. Nice spot bit mucky at the moment but the dog loves it.
I realize typing this I was not doing as well as I thought but this is much better than I was doing few weeks ago. I kept thinking the thought “these thoughts are my own please leave them alone”. I believe people picked up on this. I think one woman may have actually tried to talk to me I think. I was in full flight paranoid mode and just tearing road so bit unlikely, I was going to stop for a chat. Might of been one woman threaten she just needs 5 minutes with me slightly off putting but just kept going. Have not really got the hang of going out yet but making progress.
I got around in one piece. Voices where going off on one did my best to ignore them as you would talk completely mad stuff if you engage even for a second and I mean really messed up stuff.
So slightly madder stuff below from my diary be prepared you might find odd stuff:
Small point to note people are happy to believe the voices in my head are my conscious. Also use the voices to call me mad. Also voices can be what you pick up and critical voices are never your conscious which is kind of important to note when hearing voice as this would be a serious problem otherwise and is a pain in the ass as is. You can learn a lot from critical voices I think their main vibe is sexual relations and to feel safe. Also some nasty stuff they picked up. Of course they express this in their own unique way. I heard a voice say hello coming into the park (sounded like a nice lady) I don’t think it was a person I don’t think it was a spirit I usually don’t do audio with them, It would be nice to have a positive voice for a change.
So below is of sort of a sexual nature these things can be experienced by voice hearers and I have my own unique take on it as always. When I use the term V/P I am not sure if it is people or voices messing me around. It can be very confusing given my life.
So I popped into the shower after walk and noticed certain parts of my body shall we say in the down stairs department stimulated and trust me there was no reason (honest no, really honest). This would be done in an abusive way there would not be much pleasure in it despite the body part mentioned trust me there is normal stuff and this stuff and you don’t want this stuff. I was just in the shower minding my business not thinking about anything of sexual nature. This followed a wonderful conversation with V/P that they wanted a sexual relation or masturbation. Which I have no real interest in at the moment as With intrusive imagery and thoughts it is not much interest and not very enjoyable. Also bit disgusting to be honest. This can be a thing that voice hearers have to deal with generally there can be sexual abuse in their past which seems to be related to this issue. Honestly I don’t think any one knows but there are theory’s. I have spoken online to woman with similar experiences they considered it rape on their person and nothing to be enjoyed despite what their body parts where doing.
So in slightly better news talking a little bit with a woman on watts app she does not seem in any rush just send her odd message at the moment it would be nice to meet up but the last two times she seems to be sick. So I don’t know if she is just stringing me along or really interested. We are going in and out of lockdown at moment. Not sure if I want a relationship I am really happy on my own I have spend most of my life on my own (I think I will keep it this way not sure at moment) and intend to move to house away from people as soon as I can.(Far Far Far Away). You don’t even want to know V/P are saying about this.
Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.
This was meant to be a happy post so I don’t think I achieved that at all. Below is my gratitude list.
I have two eyes that can see.
I have a roof over my head.
I have a lovely dog.
Cobh is lovely Spot to walk in with Spot the dog.
I am healing with support and still employed from the last very serious psychosis episode (attack on my person from V/P).
I got out for a walk and said hello to some people.
I am getting back into exercise which is great. Slowely
I have food in my belly.
It is a lovely day.
It is good to be alive even on the shit days I still feel blessed.
Light and Love
Keep up the good fight till nest time.