Being called a gobshite.

Back from my morning run. It went well and the weather is nice. The running is going well at the moment hope it continues to do so. It’s great that the mornings are getting bright I can head out earlier in the morning. According to my fancy watch I land to much on one leg. Rang a local coach about strength training to sort out. He said talk to physio so popping in Monday evening to see if can get it sorted out. I continue to slowly but surely build an aerobic base. Have upped my runs to 4 times a week see how it goes for a month and then review.

gobshite (plural gobshites) (Ireland, Britain, slang, moderately offensive) One who engages in nonsensical chatter or unwanted conversation. What’s that gobshite talking about now? (Ireland, Britain, slang, moderately offensive) A person of very poor judgment and unpleasant character.

So at work last Friday and I believe my odd behaviour got me called a gobshite by woman in office. I was not really paying attention at the time and did not react. I guess I could give out about it but I guess people can find my behaviour odd and have reacted badly in the past as well. Also she is definitely not going to another job. So I guess I have to consider is it really worth the bother of working with a person like this. I did obsess about how to try and talk to her and try to explain I really am doing my best to fit in, I guess I just don’t fit in. If they bring it up Monday I decided to explain my position that her behaviour of staring at me as she goes past also makes me paranoid as hell and causes me all kinds of stress. I guess I would just be telling them I am just mad, “in most people’s eyes I am mad but I am just trying to make a living and get by”. I am hoping it will just die down but knowing her temperament I am going to hear a lot more about this. 

As I mentioned I am currently obsessing about how to fix this but working hard on practising mindfulness and keeping my thoughts off the subject and just relax for the weekend. Hopefully jotting it down here will have the effect of getting it out of my head.

Had a new experience with the voices during week. I woke up and they were very agitated nothing new there but I just focused my mind on the silence in my head and breathing. I felt completely calm and would describe it as sitting in the middle of a storm of voices and just being totally calm and happy about the position I was in. I have experienced this a little since when I tried to replicate it. I believe it is a nice side affect of the meditation I have been practising since the start of the year.

I continue to eat healthy and the weight is fine even with the antipsychotic medication. My motivation was down a little this week but got my work done and my runs in so I am happy with that. I believe the motivation is picking up a bit today again. I am still practising meditation at least twice a day and am trying to bring mindfulness practise into my day to day stuff. Had a couple of nights of waking up a bit with one or two bad dreams but last night only woke up twice so hopefully sorting itself out again. I am still getting sensations of relaxation I usually get in meditation during the day when not meditating I think this is normal not sure to be honest.

Hope this post finds you well๐Ÿ˜€

Keep up the good fight๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

100 like me and my weekly stuff

Was out for a great run this morning and the weather is great. It was nice running (let’s call it shuffling) along the road. Tried to practise little mindfulness by paying attention to my breath my footsteps and a bit of nature. This made the run more enjoyable. My pace is still slow but bit by bit my maff pace is getting better and better for some parts of the run was in the 10 minute mile range which is where I am aiming for it to be. Even managed to jog albeit slowely up the hill I usually have to walk in places to keep heart rate low so feeling chuffed with myself at the moment. Link below to Maff  if anyone interested in it.

Link to Maff training type
Was nominated by  Yourenotaloneinthisworld (great blog by the way worth checking out)to pick a song I like which meant something to me. Only getting around to it now. The song is 100 like me the lyric “there must be 100 like me I am not the only one hiding“. When I heard it and first realised it was about different people and ther mental health I got emotional. I guess it made me feel not alone in my struggles and in hiding my illness. I think I hide it to avoid the stigma but sometimes I wonder is it just not to make people around me uncomfortable. I think the song is great and the video is also worth a look. See link below it’s definitely worth a listen.

Link to YouTube song 100 like me

Noticed the early onset of a bit of an episode yesturday evening but listened to some music and tried to focus on my breath and the episode came to a full stop. Had to try very hard to not let my thoughts go to a dark place my voices where somewhat supportive during this phase, as soon as I pulled out of it they went back to there usual ways. I think the best I can do is spot a negative line of thought and stop it before I get carried away. I guess I need practise at this.

Been practising some shaman meditation to my usual stuff . I am not sure if I should given my minds capacity to get carried away with things. I want to ask someone’s advice about it but no clue who to ask about this. For example when I visualise drawing energy from the ground I literally feel the sensation of it rising in my body. I believe a physiatrist would call this tactile hallucination I don’t know if it’s normal to feel these things for every one when practiseing or just myself. Saw a shaman once when I was going through hell years ago I recall him saying I was a super sensitive given the way I reacted to some things. Not sure what to make of it for now all I intend to practise is the meditation from it and stay grounded and just see where it goes.

My dreams for the most part where fine had one difficult night. They are still very vivid and can wake me up but I am we’ll practised at getting back to sleep.

Not sure if I will go back to therapy. I am not saying I am closing the door to it just that I am seeing how I get on with out it for a while , I may give it a go again but the last time I went. Really had nothing’s to say.

I got my raise in work, they seem happy with me said to keep up the good work.

Was doing some research on mindfulness they mentioned you may become aware of things in your life you where previously unaware off. The one thing that has really stood out for me has been the level of violence in the way people in the house communicate with each other. The language they use is incredible. You would not hear it in a movie with bad language. I also noticed that at times my own inner speech can reflect this as well. Making more of an effort to be more compassionate to myself and how I think of others. It’s taking a bit of effort but I think it’s worth it.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜Š

Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening?ย 

Read some links during the week from hearing voices network ireland on facebook. Thought they where very interesting. 

The first link is a guy who examines how indigenous people treat people who hear voices. It basically states that they are not treated with any stigma. That in general they would have a mentor who has been through something similar themselves who guides them through this process and then they possible end up as a type of healer for the community. It suggests they are able to induce a altered state of mind which they can get useful bits of information from.

I would like to point out they basically contribute to there community and also survive with out the use of antipsychotics. I can’t help but wonder if someone from western society who hears voices went to the indigenous healer who also hears voices, would they be willing to teach them how they live with the voices. And would it be similar to the voice dialog that is promoted by the hearing voices networks.

I guess I am just letting my thoughts run away with me but I would be interested in travelling to meet such people to learn what I could from them. Anywho see link below to Ted talk I thought it was very interesting, if you have a look let me know what you think in the comments.

Link to Ted talks
The next link is about a woman Rachel. Who briefly explains her story of her experience’s of mental health services. Very interesting woman well worth a look.

Rachel’s Story

Weeks summary:

I have a recurring dream where I am trying to get down the stairs from my room to the living room in the house I grew up in and I am in a anxious state of mind. I got down the stairs during the week and burst into the living room in an upset state of mind. To find my mother and uncle with a child version of myself just sitting there.

I then thought I woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. One of my voices said what do you expect from us all we can do is Viking speak and then said eat shit and die, I laughed at this as I have come to do of most insults. I then realised I was still dreaming. So I went off down the stairs again, along the way I meet my childhood dog and asked him to come with me. I find the sitting room door tied shut . I tear it open and find the grandfather who abused me sitting on a chair watching TV with a fire lighting. He got up and backed away from me with an alarmed look on his face. I grab him and tell him to get the fuck out of my head he replies I don’t know where it is. I try to punch through his head but struggle to do so, so I then proceed to squash him into the fireplace to burn him while my dog looks on , I then woke up . Bit of a heavy dream tried little bit of meditation after it to relax before I got on with my day. My dreams since have been happy enough , my sleep self also seems to excipiet a stronger ability to control things in the dreams which is nice.

I basically gave up the idea of telling work I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I decided it’s just nice to have a place where I am not treated as if I am going to freak out at any second and attack everyone, which is the way it is at home at times which is not nice to live with.Plus telling them this may cost me my job and like every one else I need the money.

Still practising meditation and running away at my slow pace but both practises seem to keep me happy.

Considering changing name of my blog to voicehearer548 as schizophrenia548 does not really feel right anymore.

I also went back to my previous therapist and realised when I was in there I really did not have anything to say. So he flicked through this blog and mentioned the other therapist I had been seeing seemed very judgemental which he would consider to be wrong , especially when it came to my parents.

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ