Give your self a Pat on the back.

Once upon a time I ran many races from 5k, 10 miles to 15 miles to my crowning achievement the marathon. I slogged around 3 of them. As a rule of thumb, I my enjoyment would generally rest on a fast time or racing some person I knew nothing about panting and wheezing my way along struggling to maintain a pace I probably should not be maintaining. Below is from my first half marathon I went out way to fast nearly passed out chasing some time or other, I nearly cried at the end seeing the finish line such was my relief for making it around I did not think I was going to make it.

I would go out on 18 to 20 mile runs first thing in the morning with no breakfast looking for the right time and pace and cadence and heart rate. I would run 4 hours and not be happy because my heart rate and pace where off by something or other. I would be a bit cranky because of this. I ran 50 plus mile weeks. Rarely happy but always trying to improve on this and that by my watch which fed me all sorts if weird information.

All the running and I missed something. Just be happy with where I was while trying to improve. I hit a tough patch when I crashed my motorcycle and broke my shoulder my health did not really recover and then went through a tough time with mental health kept indoors a lot like a lot of people with Covid around. The result is I could barely run around the house for 5 minutes. Ouch!!

The sister sends on an app from couch to 5k in 9 weeks. I am on week 6 and finding it tough but enjoyable. The time passes whether we try something or not, so I am up and running again at the young age of 45 to get fit and healthy. I appreciate where I am. It takes an effort to get the runners on (over the belly it does honest). And to get out and move for a half an hour or so.

I am looking forward to running for full half an hour and I am happy where I am at because I cannot get to running half an hour until I do what I can now. I take a moment at the end of each session to give thanks for the effort I am making now. I would have not done this while running 20 plus miles. I kind of feel sorry for where my mind was at, at the time. Just chill enjoy the run and the effort my body and person were making. I feel I could not see that at the time and as a person I need to step back and just pat myself on the back for where I am now and enjoy the journey a bit more.

I find it odd I needed to get to a place where I am not doing well physically to start appreciating where I am a bit more not just saying but feeling it. It is like in a very goal orientated society I sort of feel I have reached my goal by just accepting myself for where I am at and just working away at thinks and try enjoying them.

In kind of feel this applies to all parts of my life not just running. So, try it today pat yourself on the back just purely for where you are and feel that for a few seconds.

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight.

Mike

Music V’s Darkness

Morning woke up to some weird ass stuff just felt like sharing. All good here have the day off so just chilling, getting energy healing from someone at 11am so just relaxing. Just trying to express what I can experience before I have had my coffee. Some of this can be dark so might be best if you did not read if you are not it right mind.

I wake at 5am on the button, my gentiles are stimulated I am being shown intrusive stuff of a nasty nature a voice says something dark I am do to. I just look at it and say that’s fucking disgusting and fuck off. It goes quite, I enjoy the quite it happens from time to time. I decide to lye on my back on plastic matt of spikes I have and half fall asleep. Wake a little time later relaxed remove the plastic spikes and chill.

It feels like there are a few large knitting needles jammed into my gums it is quite painful. (tactile sensations) . The voices start in it is pure hate. They start up their circus of hate. They say they are real when it suits them and they are not when it does not. They start showing me stuff and trying to build an argument I am the most evil person in creation(I like to disagree). I try my I forgive all and myself and let go. It is so not working. You can feel things from voices as well, this morning it is pure anger and hate. They are laughing and saying we have ruined your life everyone hates you. Your done would you just do us a favor and fucking kill yourself. I note their at least some still working with me on zoom etc. even if some are not.

I am stuck I can feel the slide into darkness, I got nothing I am beat, I am done.

I remember this dude from the voice hearing group he’s got his headphones on and he is vibing like nothing in the world matters but that music. So I grab the phone and headphones (the Guru I call Hanuman flashes before my eyes smiling) and I start blasting the tunes. I tell myself to embrace love in my heart for all even does who have hurt me and done me wrong and to include myself in this. The voices switch from just in my head perception to sounding real right there in the room with me. They have nothing but hate just pure hate and anger. I tell myself the voices I hear are the people who have abused and violated my person and to let go and to forgive. They seem utterly obsessed with winning at what I don’t know, I assume it is me dead.

The music is blasting I think despite all the darkness in my life and voices and the nastier ones and all that goes with them. They literally cannot hold up to one song. The hate fades despite their effort, I listen to tunes and I chill. One song and the wave of darkness that was threatening to wash me away. Is simply washed away and shown for the powerless thing that it is . I say things like I thing in love I act in love etc. my vibe is good and I feel well in the space of a few songs. They are their now laughing and taunting but I am awake up and running and out of bed and about to have my coffee. My vibe is good my energy is high while I decide what to do for the day.

Have a Great Day

Love and Light and Keep up the Good fight.

Working with your mind/voices

Hey hope your well. Nice day here now, well still a bit cloudy. Very heavy rain earlier couple of places around the country are without electricity. We are lucky here, thank God.

Just like to note some stuff about my mind and voices and tactile sensations and what I have adopted as my norm. Also, my current way of dealing with them.

My voices are incredibly angry now and have been for the last while. They will pick anything from memory make it look as hideous as possible. Cut out the bits they do not like and build a heck of an energy around that. It does not need to be true but that has never stopped them. It came to mind I was doing a lot of chord cutting meditations, see link to one meditation to You Tube below. If you want to try.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFqdORA-ZVE&ab_channel=PuraRasa-YourMeditationLibrary

It struck me some voices not all, some I get along with brilliantly. However, some attach themselves like chords to any shame or guilt in my person, and I mean anything. I thought of similarity to cords to cut in meditation, they could be considered like voices which need to be cut which have attached themselves to stuff in my person.

One minute I am chilling and the next I got images of stuff from 30 years ago pop into my head and a voice demanding I explain it. It can be a shock but after a while it can become the norm. I have been through this before, they just keep going and going until I basically break. I do not feel like breaking this time sort of curious what happens if I do not. This would be under constant threat of Guards (police) calling or gang to beat me up or I need to go fess up to what happened, not sure if Guards would laugh me out of the station or stick me in a mental institution not one of my favorite places in the world. After 14 years what can I say nobody showed. They also show me stuff about other people as well of an unpleasant nature. See link below just in case you think you are too Saintly. I also like to think people are inherently good even if personally have had a few show me a very dark side to themselves.

https://aeon.co/ideas/the-bad-news-on-human-nature-in-10-findings-from-psychology

https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/12/14/16687388/cruelty-border-immigration-psychology-human-nature

I am sort of believing none of us or at least very few of us are what we think we are. Underneath the bonnet we are something completely different. I guess we all have a few things we are not proud, now imagine a voice in your head showing you these for months on end. Even going to the extent of changing them and making them look very seedy indeed and making stuff up. They were even changing supposed memories right in front of my mind’s eye and still expected me to do something about it. It builds an energy in your head that can be nearly impossible to live with. The thing is I am so used to this, it literally does not bother me anymore. I now simply dismiss it, it does not matter who is wrong or right. Holy God my voices love to argue about nothing. I forgive myself and anyone else involved. I let go of any fear or guilt or shame etc. Hearing voices all my life this incarnation of them has been cropping up over 14 years. I am over it. This does not seem to stop them, but I feel quite happy about myself and try to forgive them while they literally feel like a tornado blasting my head.

Also, lately they it feels like they are forcing thoughts through my mind. This can take a while to get used to. After a while it is like the thoughts in your mind or just voices and you can nearly sit back and just watch them. It can be weird effect. Meditation can help but does not stop the thoughts/voices. If you can imagine you are sitting there a thought process pops into my mind, I let it go it repeats and repeats. Literally every couple of seconds more or less all day. It is like a stream of thoughts/voices that you can get caught in very badly and just get dragged along if you are not incredibly careful.

Mediation can help calm the mind or a task focused on or listening to music. Again, I am sort of used to this my mind can go blab la blab la about all sorts and I just stop see if anything interesting in it have quick think about it and let it go if I can do nothing about it. The Voices try to make a big deal of any thought process in the middle of this mess that is less than saintly and go off on one. I just let it go quickly as it is waste of time. Can get interesting stuff from it do including picture below and some posts on this site. I would not have done if they were not there.

While writing this they are shouting away and making noises of fingers snapping in my ears. They go quite when the music stops to go onto next song it is a very strange effect. It is odd when they go from voices in your head to literally a real voice in a blink of an eye in your ear. This is hard to explain just some are obviously voices in your head the consistency of the voices is different to peoples voices. It is really weird when they change to the same. You can also feel things poke at your body in an unpleasant way and bouncing off your boundaries and make sounds like they are getting off to you. Somewhat unpleasant to say the least. This can be unpleasant when it affects parts of your body physically. These are called tactile sensations by some and something else by others might go into that some other time.

Also, I have been fascinated for years how voices/thoughts absolutely focus on a story (psychosis to some). This story is everything it is all important but the second anything gets it the way of this story and the whole thing changes in front of your eyes. They just flow like into this new story is now the be all and end all story and the last one is dropped in a heartbeat. It is like a river flowing and we must stick to this mainstream the second it hits an obstacle and changes stream the last one is forgotten in a heartbeat. You cannot see it as you are in the stream. I have been learning for years to step out of this stream and chill as it just takes up too much time energy.

I would imagine that would sound mad or I do not know what that sounds to others. This is my norm; I feel my life is blessed. I am happy to be alive. I have a job. Finally got a deck of self-care cards going into production Monday. I love them they should make a few quid and hopefully put a smile on someone’s face and help them and others to think about their mental health. Did group Reiki healing today and loved it. I could do that stuff all day, just need to find someone to pay me to do so.

Had a great group meeting with the hearing voices groups last Saturday where I get to talk to people with similar experiences. It was a great talk went slightly over time and the two plus hours flew by. I really would recommend. For people with Voices or extreme experiences. Felt weird typing that I do not consider my experience an extreme experience just my normal life.

http://www.hearingvoicesusa.org/hvn-usa-groups-list/details/1/251-hvn-texas-online

I would consider my spiritual growth is good. I am currently trying to figure out the concept that most enlightened beings basically started like you or me and we are basically enlightened beings we just need to do the practice. I am not sure what that means right now other than I embrace self-love and forgiveness for myself and try to figure out how to extend this to others. Try to judge like way less, can be tricky concept with thoughts/voices on board. My Spirits are good 😊.

Given I hear voices I sometimes adapt meditation to where I am at. For example, a smiling meditation (I think it is a thing, I have never looked it up) compassion meditation is awfully close. So, you just sit there, and you smile but you try feel that compassion for yourself. You do not just smile you feel it. I then try focus on smiling on my heart. It is like placing a smile in your heart. If a thought pops into your head, you smile a little more and feel compassion for yourself for having a thought you cannot stop from coming up. Whatever happens you just smile at it. Do not worry at thoughts coming up just smile and focus on that and the feeling of that. This amazingly simple technique has helped me heal and accept a lot of stuff. You can invite in Spirit or energy or whatever you believe in to help if that is your belief. Obviously if your smile gets too big just start again you are not meant to hurt your face. If there are to many thoughts just sit with a slight smile on your face but feel that love for yourself no matter what pops into your head.

Well, that is it for me off to small meditation and get away from PC for a while. I also need to tidy up. Have a great day.

Love and light keep up the good fight.

Did below phrase in my last circle, really liked it so placed an image behind it. Will stick on Facebook page during the week, see link below.

https://www.facebook.com/ReikiMike

Recovery Lessons

How we now, hope your well. Lovely day here in Cork. See pictures below. Just finished my days work on PC it is good to have my facilities in better shape if not 100%, I am definitely better at work. I have been asking myself about working and being unwell and the general response as I see it from what I see as main stream society.

Lady Luna continues to still evade my attempts to catch her glory and prompts me to do better to see her wares.

Again nothing below is meant to give offense in anyway please do not take offense as this is just my personal experiences.

I have my struggles like everyone but was extremely unwell last year a similar experience I had 14 years ago. My voices went completely into Nuke me the fuck out of here mode. My version of reality became very skewed. The intrusive thoughts/images/sensations etc. and paranoia on a scale of 1-10 was about 50 million.

My recovery is ongoing their are good and bad days but much better than where I was. So I was thinking which is dangerous as they say. When I started to get unwell I was designing cards and working a full week at Steel detailing in front of a PC. I rang my Boss saying well I was not doing well and the idea of working 4 days a week. Possibly stepping back completely. After a brief discussion we decided I was going to work on as always. I let the others in the house know and few people around me. I realize after my outer appearance looked fine bit spaced out but I am like a ninja at hiding that. I can literally smile and answer people without having a single clue what is going on or even what I am talking about. I had been like this for months, It felt like this the whole time while simultaneously feeling spiritually high at the same time. But hey I was working I knew everything after years of this it really was nothing new. I believed this toughened me I could take it.

I had cut myself off as I was having intrusive stuff of an unpleasant nature come through and thought people could read my mind. Which trust me you do not want to share this stuff. I worked through it but during this time could of made a mistake in work which could lead me to getting my ass fired in a job. I am actually back in form enough to do now. I would imagine being canned would be a stressful experience which would not be useful for anyone’s mental health.

At the time of course there was bills to pay and I listened to other people encouraging to stay working. I can’t help but wonder if I just stepped back for two weeks and just took sick pay would that have completely changed the situation. Would I be in a better place now and not have had the experience I had possibly lining me up now to getting fired when I can work away. Also if I had a physical aliment would the Boss and folk around even considered me in working shape. Don’t get me wrong I need the work but I do rely on others opinions if bit unwell.

I remember my thinking at the time and still is. If I step back the GP would be called as before and if I could not convince him I could handle it (especially given my past). I thought I would lose my liberties be committed and given more medication at a level that is not good for anyone. I still believe this today to some extent but I am in the driving seat more now as have a good relationship with my psychiatrist and I am talking to people albeit on zoom but everyone in the same boat.

I think the same issues that came up 14 years ago are just coming up again for me to deal with which I am getting help with. That said it is 14 years later and around half of that was not working just sitting around not doing much. They even placed me on invalidity pension so as far as the state was concerned this one is written off. Not knocking anyone on it but I was in my 30is and I had the capacity to work. Also on the payment I was on I could not really qualify for training in IT which was the line I was hoping to go into at the time. I did find training with a place called the National Learning Network in Ireland and would have landed a job but for the payment I was on in IT. Which was disappointing given the amount of effort I put in at the time.

I can’t help but think if I had met someone with experience like I have now It would have made a big difference. Or the people and groups that support me now would have made a 1000% difference but these take time to build up. I am not sure where I am going with this and I know everyone is doing there best especially 14 years ago when I crashed. That said I did not meet a single person who hears voices through the whole experience until about 6 years in which I believe this would have helped a lot. It would have placed me in a better place much faster would a saved the state loads and I would have been a happy tax payer again. Also a much happier person much sooner with issues from the past at least discussed and had me in a better place.

I would not have felt like a complete freak with experiences. I did not understand and did not know others even had. I recall my experience at one mental institution where a young lady at dinner said “So where are all the mad people , you know the ones who hear voices” everyone shushed her and pointed their heads towards me. I was not in a good place at the time and just lowered my head. To which she said “but I cant believe it he is so quite” this got more shushes. Me with a big red embarrassed face. If this happened now I would just laugh at the young one and poked a bit fun at her.

This is among the reasons I always recommended the Hearing Voices Movement https://www.hearing-voices.org/ . I think there is a support network in just about every area now with people who experience what ever it is. It is really necessary for voice hearers as I think the first voice hearer I heard talk openly about it was Eleanor Longden. Which lead me onto speaking with a few others like Peter Bullimore nice guy who works hard to help people like myself. They really gave me the mentality I can do this.

I continue to have spiritual experiences but I am in a much more grounded place now. On Blue Monday I threw on Krishna Das and imagined sending out happy vibes with spiritual help no clue if it helped but cheered me right up. Saw enlightened beings during my little meditation was delighted with myself just seeing them brightens the mood and emotions. I thank them from the bottom of my heart which they lighten a lot. Did some mediumship at circle last week I did well with a little help, actually I did really well considering this was one of the things I would always avoid trying. As standing in front of group does not suit me. Zoom is not so bad. I have Sita Ram Sita Ram blasting in the headphones helps my type faster but murder on my spellings. I think I will just chill and listen to tunes till I go to bed. Maybe talk to folk a little. Also I need to place a plan in place for me to step back from work and life if in a bit of bother again (I think I was advised this by a voice hearer once, I think I will take the advice now.)

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight my Friends

Below is a link to my gofundme Self care cards any help appreciated to get project off the ground

gf.me/u/zfb9q3

Open Communication

Hope your well. Another week down another few quid made. I am sitting in Mitchelstown listening to Luke Kelly on my favorite Irish music list see link to Spotify below. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CLrbYePy72EaImbw90XGs also eating hula hoops. What more could a happy man want. My Voices are going off in the background and some unpleasant tactile sensations but nothing I am not used to. I touch on few topics below as always nothing is meant to give offense just poking a bit of fun listening to some tunes on a Saturday night.

The work week went well hit a few issues with my voices on Friday evening as trying get some drawings out the door. Not really in the mood for work now and dealing with people which might make my voices very irritated. Need to do a little overtime tomorrow I am thankful of the blessing of a wage but mindful not to push myself to hard this year. My work is better this year as I get my person more online.

I feel myself getting better here I am glad I came but not really looking forward to moving back to Cobh but will do as I need but trying to figure a way out of it to keep the head clear of the place. I heard voices last night outside my door in the form of people in the house I was able to make them go away be just focusing on them. It was weird I don’t think I was able to do this before. Their not my main voices but I fell asleep I had a good nights sleep.

I am doing an energy course this weekend it is good my mood was a bit low but it definitely lifted my mood. I would recommend energy work it can be very beneficial and you feel great once you have done the time clearing stuff. It was nice to get card reading as well. I have been working a lot at grounding a lot lately. It is working but I sort of miss the highs that go with being not grounded you have a million ideas you Brain feels like it wired to car battery. It is like you are high on your own thoughts I feel like I am coming down which you sort of need to do. I remember this from before it takes me time to adjust to a Brain that just rabbits thought after thought after thought to less and less of this.

I don’t know if it qualifies as a condition other then the dreaded schizophrenia label people seem to shit themselves when I tell them. Not sure I really care as I have enough labels that don’t mean much to me but seems to matter a enormous amount to people who have known me a few years. Suddenly they find out or I tell them I instantly seem to morph into a three headed beast spitting fire.

To be fair after the initial shock most people handle it fairly well after they retreat to a safe place to recover from their reaction to what I now consider a challenging but safe and normal reaction to an abnormal situation (trauma) I believe Eleanor Longden said this (I think don’t quote me). See link to some more information to her here, https://www.psychosisresearch.com/news/dr-eleanor-longden-joins-psychosis-research-unit/ I believe this woman’s Ted Talk was a game changer for a lot of people it was for me when I saw it some years ago (more years than I care to think of) I had conversation to someone today he said the last 20 years flew, I though sure if you add a 0 to the 20, I am glad to be alive that said.

I have seen the look on the face when I have said I have the SCHIZPOHRENIA to one friend. He looked like he was going to push his head through the steering wheel, a reminder not to tell people when they are driving. Their reaction could cause a serious accident. I genially believe their reaction is that dangerous (ok I am kidding, like mostly)

So the reason I started writing this post and sort of interestingly meandered here was I mentioned to my sister that I still hear voices. The look on her face spoke volumes.

I believe she was utterly under the impression I did not hear voices which would well be more than a slightly untrue. She also believed someone who hears voices would not be able to work in an office. I agree it has been difficult in the office environment but not impossible. It has had its challenges but for the most part I have nearly always been able to channel my, lets say my high energy Brain into my work, at a more than a rapid rate and accuracy.

In a small office this has been useful to everyone they made money and I was employed. I have been doing this for more than 7-8 years after my last crash 14 years ago. I might add the ever so enlightened physiatrist at the time said I would never work again. Obviously I disagree with him having done the work under some fairly unusual states of mind. It can show the information my family was provided with (and cultural influence) on my first crash had a lasting impression. I know they have kids and more than their fair share of problems. It is just they where living under the belief that someone that hears voices can not work or basically function as a member of society. As a three headed monster I cannot express how untrue this is.

Now imagine you are already struggling and your family through no fault or their own view you in this way as well. You are already down and the medical team are also treating you the same way. They are giving you pills that are basically not working. Also in your belief system you are going through a spiritual awaking which you cannot really navigate without some help. So you are not to gone on pills which confuse your mind make your stomach feel sick and you are gaining wait at an alarming rate. Also seemed to cause a very unpleasant gout as side effect (ouch) .Try imagine that for a moment think what would you do. Go on I dare you come up with a cunning plan, I certainly spend enough nights trying. Heck even tried to implement a few with some success eventually. (took a few years and tears and smiles).

Sorry that was more serious than I thought it would be and went places I did not mean to go.

I was at hearing voices group today. I really enjoyed it. It was great to make the connection with people who can at least relate to some of your experiences. It lifted the mood and the time flew by. It was good to see some familiar friendly faces who where not going to judge you for having some really weird ass experiences you are trying to figure out. See link to one of their sites here. http://www.hearingvoicesusa.org/hvn-usa-groups-list/details/1/251-hvn-texas-online

I managed to get a little yoga and running in last week, ok like around the house for 10 mins roughly but it is a start to get back in to it. I am committing (no pun intended) here and now to stick at it 🙂

Wishing you love and light and keep up the Good fight my friends in the PC 🙂

Below is link to GoFundMe for self-care cards I am trying to get off the ground and help appreciated.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/selfcare-cards

The Man Who Knows Nothing

Hi, hope this finds you well. Woke up to another lovely morning here. Bit on the cold side but lovely. Woke up with a mind full of story’s and thoughts. Came up with the idea to write a poem knowing absolutely nothing about same. The end result is below. Not really a poem but the idea was there. Nothing in it is meant to give offense just written with an open heart and my current knowledge set.

I

I know nothing.

I used to start my prayers in this manner.

How can I truly hope to understand anything?

Without first admitting my complete and utter ignorance.

I am 45 with a little flare of madness I personally love but

it comes with pain. Some would argue I am utterly mad and

evil for my beliefs but oddly enough I disagree 😊,

But I know nothing.

II

Remember I know nothing. (seriously ask a woman they

will tell you 😊) There are about 7.8 billion people on

this planet. Which such brilliant diversity it could only

bring a smile of joy to the heart. However, there are

those who preach hate at this diversity to me they are

truly and utterly mad but I believe they learned this through

various means so, part of me feels sorry for them but If it

can be learned it can be unlearned. I must believe you are

not born with hate in your heart. Before I go further remember

 I know nothing.

III

Science

I love science. It has saved a lot of lives it has helped humanity

boat loads. There are many points of view on the new vaccine.

I respect each and mine knowing I know nothing 😊. The Earth

is almost 400 miles in radius. The Milky Way (like the Galaxy

you know) is probably between 100,000 and 150,000 light years

across give or take like, (sounds big) The known Universe 93

billion light years in diameter (sounds bigger). Also thank God for

Goggle. The earth has been around for about 4.543 billion years

wow we really should continue the effort to respect Mother Earth

she is old. People are around about 300,000 years give or take a few

years. (seriously like google knows a lot but not everything) To place

that all in perspective I am about 5’8” and a half and 45 years old.

How the heck am I supposed to understand anything,

given the time frame and sizes involved. I learned to trust some,

and I have my Spiritual beliefs, but would be careful of those who

say they know it all. I give thanks to my ancestors whether they

used science or not they survived in a rough environment to allow

all this to be. However, one thing I do know is the look in my dog’s

eyes when I am going out the door. It is like devastating. I love the

way science changes it is point of view to suit new findings.

I know I love Science. Like mostly.

IV

I have seen and experienced true evil and true good

or at least my perception of them. I believe in a

Goddess/God that wants us to learn and grow in

love to such an extent he/she has placed us here to do so.

I honestly believe he/she does not want us here to suffer

and would encourage us to grow but like any good parent

watches their children learn and make their own mistakes.

Even when it truly hurts both to do so. That said what do I

know of Gods and Goddess, I know nothing. I would not argue

any of this with anyone as I remind myself again, I know nothing.

Yet I believe I am attached to an eternal soul that reaches far

back and will continue on after I am gone, and it has been my

honor to get this far in life and contribute to same. I have met

some brilliant people along the way. I may not have always seen

eye to eye but I learn and grow from each in my own unique way.

I believe most of them think I am mad, not sure if that is a good or

bad thing yet or both. I think it is both. Yah I know it is both.

V

I truly know nothing.

Do I write these things to make sense or something

resembling a sense of an understanding of a world and

universe where they may be none. Are these nice words

to sooth a troubled mind. That said I honestly believe the

Devine and Spirit have touched me with a sense of love and

bliss that feels like everything and more, and I just cry in joy

and pain when it comes. But I truly know nothing.

VI

Sure, would I know?

How could a man of a mere man of 45 years truly understand

anything. Other than I am going to enjoy my next cuppa with

a biscuit I should probably not eat after my Christmas. Also

learning love and compassion, doing my best to listen and

understand folk but my mind wonders sure I do my best.

Sure, what would I know?

Wishing Everyone the best

Love and light keep up the good fight.

Mike

I have been told one of my Spirit guides was brilliant guy below for a while mine change a lot. Looking at above I feel confirms it to some extent. I always like to say I have experiences but let people make up their own mind up and do my best to not judge them on their opinions of me which they are entitled to.

Below is link to self-care cards I would like to do any help including sharing gofundme campaign is much appreciated. See link for more info. gf.me/u/zfb9q3

Love/Hate

For some reason I was reminded of a few years ago of an interaction with a person in a spiritual circle I was in. She said something very unpleasant after a rough night. I felt hurt it really did not go down well. She did not mean for me to overhear it (maybe she did I don’t know). So, was not sure if I was going to the next night or ever again. So, I left there in an extremely negative state of mind. In the past I would have left there in an incredibly positive state of mind and would always expected to do so. So, I felt this hurt even more so. I also hear voices which when something goes slightly wrong, they can build an extremely negative energy around something. Which can cause me a bit of bother and low self-esteem.

I woke up the next day and the voices set in the mood was low from the night before. I was never going to return to that spiritual circle again and I relied on it for support in the past.

I asked spirit for some help, I think around the same time I had strong connection with “Paramahansa Yogananda” in spirit. I then sat back and just started to list off positive points of this person. They could be anything, I will not go into detail, but I accepted they where the way they were towards me as a reflection of what they had been through. They had been through a tough time of it.

So, every time the voices set in about how this person hates me. I would just start listing the positive points of this person. I would keep doing this almost like a mantra over and over. After experiencing this for few days on and off. I truly felt a true appreciation for this person as a human being. What I experienced few nights ago was an extremely poor representation of her and there was entire world of stuff to her. I felt no connection to the hurt I had felt that night.

I may have done this to much as I felt like a light energy build up on back left of my brain. I was not quite high, but I probably could have grounded a bit more during this time frame. It was truly a lovely experience.

I went back to the circle we got along. I cannot remember exactly what was said but we continued in the circle. I had some brilliant nights in that circle since that night.

If I had given in to bitterness, I would not have had those excellent experiences. I would have not remembered the circle fondly. Which I most certainly do now. I simply see it as a growing experience now. Do not take people’s shit seriously as a reflection of yourself. You genuinely do not know where they are coming from or what they have been through.

I felt inspired by Paramahansa Yogananda to write this I still feel his connection from time to time.

And felt like sharing have a great day.

Love and Light till next time keep up the good fight

Morning

Morning, hope this finds you well. Lovely morning here but bit cold. It is about -1 but it feels like -8. Be back working tomorrow from home so will probably not post for the week or so.

I had my first Hearing voices group yesterday. It is a support group for people for hear voices. It was very interesting, to hear some things discussed that I would not bother tell most people given the reactions I got in the past. The was a range of accents I would need to get used to. My attention can be poor but I was mostly present in the group. I really liked it. Chakras and energy was even mentioned which I was surprised at. I looking forward to attending more meetings and just see where it goes.

My body feels a bit sore from the experience of being attacked the night before in the night it feels like muscles are pulled odd experience might bring weekly group I joined. I had a good night sleep did half wake to voices saying something or other don’t pay much attention any more. I thing one woke me up saying “We know what you are”. Had some interesting dreams.

Started get well cards but ended up looking at making my own website. Looks like a bit of work but looks handy enough on WordPress. Send self care cards of to a councilor to have a quick look to see if anything political dodgy in them. I have 3 decks ready but liking the motivational and self-care cards might do these first as I can afford to get these printed up.

Might do a little work and exercise today but mostly just might chill with Netflix as back a full time job tomorrow. Had thought about God stuff below from my diary again I would not argue this stuff just a thought.

“Popped into my head today if you do not feel protected or annoyed at the divine for some reason or the bad thing happened. All good parents let their children learn and make their own mistakes otherwise how would they ever learn and grow and evolve. I feel this is one of the harsher things I have written in a while, but I believe there is truth to it.”

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Love and Light

Keep up the Good Fight

Self Care Cards

How we now, How we Now, How we now. I finished the self care cards delighted with myself. They are just small 50x50mm cards with tips & image, I used for self care over the years on my recovery. They are meant to be used for people in general but mostly for folk with the mental health giving a bit of bother. Could shuffle them and pick a card or two for inspiration or throw them in a jar and pick one. Could also use them for readings if that’s your thing.

Took a break for a while after cards done did little weights. I need to get back exercising my body it is gone very week. The Sister and Brother-in-law are treating me very well. I came her as did not fancy working from home again for another lock down. My mind is not perfect, but it is much better here less people around to be paranoid by. Still some intrusive imagery and get paranoid at odd car driving by but not much. Now I can deal with voices as opposed to people at the same time. Chilling listening to some tunes.

Did rough outline of Mother’s Day Cards I could sell on Facebook. They do not cost much to be made up. I like my designs. Would make a few quid nothing massive but it is not a big investment so worth the risk. Thinking of doing some get well cards as well.

Mostly just relaxing just letting the mind heal. One of the voices mentioned Cobh I have no idea why. I am not there it is just not in my mind. I am doing my best to make bank account look good so I can move out quickly when I find a house away from folk. The voices keep calling my projects arts and crafts, does not bother me either way I like the stuff I do. I have seen some lovely arts and crafts stuff, I have paid good money for. Anyone I showed my stuff to says it looks great. When my voices make a charge at me now it is unpleasant but I can handle it. It seems easier with less people around. Felt some connection to Spirit but at the moment just focusing on boundaries and grounding. Like to do energy work in the evening before go to bed

There is less bothering my mind here so can have a look at some projects for the year. See how much I can do before I get back to the Day job without placing to much pressure on myself. Hope your new years day is going well.

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Till next time.

Light and Love.

Keep up the good Fight

May your year be filled with blessings

Happy New Year/Despair to Hope

A new year.

A time for Hope.

A time for despair.

You choose.

So I have heard voices all my life. 14 years ago I hit the rocks ended up depressed for years and about 21 stone in weight. More or less sitting around broke and utterly miserable few suicide attempts in and out of mental health facilities. No money no job not exactly the happiest man you would speak to. No real hope for a future.

I would not recommend the experience. I made the decision about 6 years in get off my ass as I just could not continue as I was. Starting walking managed about a mile first day and nearly had a heart attack, I kept going and persisted badgered by voices every step of the way and my own inner demons. That decision lead me to wobble around three marathons and I have been working for the last 6 years. I have a strong faith in the Divine which helps.

I met the right people in circles and holistic healing course which brought me along leaps and bounds. It has not all been plane sailing. I have had many difficulties and pit stops along the way. So skip forward to this year my mind hit the same place it hit 14 years ago but this time I know from experience what to do or at least what not to do.

I eventually asked the right people for help the lock down here did not help. Also the fact I though I was invincible did not help either but eventually got the strength to ask for help. I choose to keep a positive outlook as best I could can be tricky with voices. Not sure if I won more than I lost but I set my intent and kept dusting myself off along the way. Learned about myself and others this year. I designed a set of cards for motivation and reading along the way hope to get them production next year. I ran a Facebook page to do motivational quotes during this time frame which I am very proud off given my state of mind. I have not had the need to be committed in about 9ish years which I am also very proud off it is extremely difficult to get off this circle of going in and out of mental institutions once it starts.

I think what differed this time to the last time was simply experience and just shear determination to not go back to where I was and of course a lot of help along the way from here and above. I am much better place now but of course like everyone still have work to do.

At any time during this year I could of simply choose utter disappear and done something that would of landed me right back in hospital or the morgue. I know as I have made decisions in the past that did so.

I guess what I am trying to say is you cannot choose what life throws at you but really can choose how to respond to it. I choose to what I can with what I have and not to forget to smile even if there are a few tears along the way.

Choose Hope not despair. You might be in the same situation but you would have at least some joy in your heart.

Happy new year

I wish you the best

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

Just little extract from my diary (just give you some insight to where my mind is )as always take with a pinch of salt but never assume it is all mad. Best of luck figuring which. I use term V/P which cover voices or people which are getting hard to tell apart. Also just wondered do others have such experiences.

I would appear some local concerned V/P took the liberty to knock me right into trance/blackout with my mother in the room. I lose cognitive function just slightly did feel a lot of movement in energy in my hands and effect on my visuals. Like fluttering out of consciousness. I thought if I worked on my boundaries it would work and almost did and helped but did not stop them in the end. I believe had I my full cognitive capacity I would have left the room, which I believe I did not, I remind myself to do this in the future as it is safer. My mother was unaware of anything. I came do saying in my mind “I only work in love and light. I am asking you to leave.” Repeatedly. They then proceeded to show me imagery of horror stuff (intrusive thoughts) with the comment that is lovely imagery to have in your head. I was just coming out of slight black out and said I have whole universes in my head which looks so real I was convinced for a lot of my life they were, but they are not. I have imagery in my head of all sorts of heavenly and hellish things and I am not explaining it to anyone who just wonders by happily knocking me out, violating my being having their bit of fun and then fuckling off proud of themselves, they where messing around with local freak.

Did see two women walking off might of been them to paranoid to do much of anything. Once I regained me senses from this violation of my person. I said, I just do not care and just fuck off to V/P. It is my intent to repeat, as much as possible going forward and if they violate my mind just come back to my senses and tell them to kindly fuck off. One of the V/P would always argue I should not be around people as they are people with evil intention. I cannot really argue this anymore and hope to get out of here soon and away from such people as much as possible. I trust no one as they cannot be trusted but there are good people of course they are simply hard to see right now.

It can be tricky with V/P it seemed someone sneak into Neighbors and shouted something about move out you chancer., sort of hard to take this seriously other than I have meet many arseholes in my time. Also, neighbor’s dogs never went off so just ignoring, nice if I could keep nice flow like this when walking around it would be fun and on top of that there is some fucking thing interfering with my balls (tactile sensation) so 2020 apparently everyone is having a hard time. Which I am glad for the blessing of health for me and my family also keep my Uncle in mind as he has cancer. I am glad of the blessing of a new born in the family (safely & healthy for all involved). All of my family are clear of the bloody COVID-19 which is great. I am alive and breathing even came up with lovely slogan I got a giggle from. (will stick in picture at end) I have a roof over my head and technically still employed which is a blessing. I have a card with few quid to treat myself and someone else. I am surer of what I want to do in life, and I am excited to move forward with faith and hope in my heart. I am honestly curious were my life goes. Also, like Krishna Das has brilliant stuff if you are into chanting look him up on YouTube. I should throw him a few quid his stuff has helped me, wishing him well as he has Limes disease. I am thankful my Spiritual and Divine connection that comes through and has grown stronger. I just feel in the flow and happy to be alive. God is Good the Goddess is Good Life is good, but it is not all unicorns and rainbows. I reminded off cliché if it was not for the dark night how would we know the light. Sita Ram Sita Ram (Krishna Das song). I am thankful for new understanding of my being and others. I am thankful for the words Fuck Off I believe these will bring me much peace. I guess “No” would have done but hey some folks need clarifying. I am thankful for my ability to heal with help, to heal faster than I thought possible from a thing I would rather not speak off.