Hearing Voices Committee 

Greetings fellow humans.

I have the day off work today. Did little yoga and running this morning and it’s a nice evening here now.

Still practising meditation and yoga. Doing a more vigorous yoga class at the moment. I am used to running which is very competitive and your always trying to beat your times in races. Yoga is different your not competing with anybody just trying to get the hang of the pose and be mindful with your thoughts and breathing. It was a bit of shock to system trying more difficult yoga class the sweat was pouring out of me I had never done so many downward dogs in my life (it’s a easy looking yoga pose which is surprisingly difficult.) I am not sure I really want to stay at running it really tough on the body I always have aches and pains from it, yoga is much easier on the body now I am at plus side of forty. Running really was a joy in the past I am just not sure about it anymore.

I went to a comedy show last Saturday, it was funny enough. I plan to keep an eye out for comedy shows in future there quite enjoyable. I was proud I managed to be around so many people in theatre and still be in control of my thoughts and not get paranoid at things. I guess this was me making progress.

Finishing up large job in work hopefully it will be ok on site, there was a bit of a rush to get it out. Work relationships seem to be going ok hopefully stay this way. Sister started new job today hope it works out for her she has been out of work 2 years.

Made a compliant about my GP to HSE in relation to not reducing my meds. They gave me a email to some other body so I sent complaint to them. I don’t really think they will do much but I just want my voice heard somewhere. I also meet with a woman called Mary Maddock she wrote a book and is very against psychiatrists and had horrible experiences at there hands. I plan to read the book this evening. She might know a GP that may be able to help, see what happens I guess.

Meet with hearing voices committee today, that seem nice enough and are happy for me to be on committee. Will just play it by ear and hopefully make a useful contribution at some stage. Hoping to have hearing voices group possiblable set up before or around xmass again be interesting to see what happens.

Saw interesting Ted Talk “the magic off not giving a fuck” worth a look kinda funny. See link below.

Ted Talk

Hope your well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾

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My Meds

Was just out for morning walk with dog thankfully got back before the rain feeling in Good mood.

Asked the doctor yesturday about reducing my dosage of risperdol but he said no. He said he would set up a appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss if I wanted. I know what psychiatrist would say before I go so I said I would think about it. The doctor asked me are the voices just in the back ground now I replied the meds have never affected the voices they have always been there. He quickly jumped to but the paranoia and thoughts of people after you would you be able to control this without meds. I should of said I have been learning by trial and error for years now and the bloody meds have never done what psychiatrist have promised but I could see he had his mind made up. For a doctor giving me various meds for last 10 years or so I believe he knows very little about my state of mind. I have been telling people around me that the meds do very little if anything for a year or so but no one seems to hear or be interested in this statement. They believe the meds and not hard work I have been putting in of just getting on with things is the reason I am doing well now. I find it amazing that everyone around me seems to know what’s going on in my head better than me ?

I was given information about someone who came off these type of meds before and the GP they have worked with. I send email to the GP to see what they will say. If they will work with me it would meaning changing GP and wrestling control of the meds from my mother. If this happens there will be much grief but I think it’s worth it. I can’t believe the only decision I have ever made in 10 years on meds is the one to reduce my dosage last year which my family flipped out at and rang my GP who almost changed his mind. OK rant over.

I can have trouble sleeping the meditation really helps to get back to sleep with a bit of effort. When you check online insomnia is listed as side effect of risperdol but my GP is denying this it’s hard to tell who to trust about the subject. I have asked about 3side effects I found online and my GP has denied all of them I don’t bother even ask any more. OK rant definitely over.

Still doing meditation and yoga the instructor mentioned 15 mins of yoga each morning is better than an hour class once a week been doing 15 mins of yoga each morning since. I will still go to class more to just get used to be around be people.

Work seems to be going well. There is a yoga day next weekend might give it a go see what happens.

Hope this post finds you well.🙂

Keep up the good fight.✊🏾

TRE & Yoga

It’s raining heavy here, I don’t mind it I sort of like the sound and watching the rain. 

I have been to 3 Yoga classes there grand but I am about as flexible as a brick. It’s mostly woman in the class which suits me as just trying to get used to being around woman more. It’s harder than you would think, I was happy to get through the class the last time. Plan to go every Wednesday see how I get on. It’s nice having it in middle of the week it breaks up the week. It’s about 5 minutes up the road from work which is handy.

Last weekend did embodied wisdom workshop for the day. It involved TRE and inner dance type stuff. The TRE was interesting you just do some excercise stuff until your body shakes. I believe it is meant to realise trauma from the body, with practise it is meant to help past trauma which would be useful. Got email summary of what to do with it a day or so ago plan to practise it during week. It was an interesting day I thing one of the woman might of been half interested in me but not sure she might have been just friendly. She was nice to talk to did not act stuiped around her she had very relaxing energy. I had enough of being around people by the end of the day and just took off but meet some very interesting people on workshop.

Have booked some sort of thi chi workshop for next weekend hopefully be interesting. Something to look forward to. 😀

I have continued to mostly not engage with the voices but turn on some sounds at night and try engage with them for half hour or so. They usually express anger during this time frame but it has been mostly quite during the day. To be honest it can be a bit boring not engaging with the voices.

Still practising different types of meditation. It can be hard sometimes to quite the mind but it works a charm from time to time. I believe the autogenics practise is helping personal issues I am having.

I used to think my eyes just watered a bit during meditation but not sure now I think I let loose a tear or two in some types of meditation not sure what to make of it but I don’t see any harm in it. I have not really seen many images when I meditate for a week or so it’s grand not sure if it will stay that way or if I want it to.

Hope your week goes well😉

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀

Mind Over Marathon and my meds

Had the 2 episodes of mind over marathon on BBC recorded watched them yesturday. I won’t lie it brought a tear to my eye. After watching it I felt inspired to start training for another marathon. I particularly liked were it portrayed the idea that people with a mental illness are part of society not outside of it. One person also touched on the idea that the label mental illness is bad because it has the term mental in it. Which seems to describe something else in society not someone who is like every one else just can sometime have trouble getting by. It got me thinking mental illness can be changed to someone having a social disturbance! By which I mean they are acting in a way the society there are in would define as unacceptable. Or there having difficulty just trying to cope in the society they are in with the life experiences they have had. Not sure if that makes sense but it does to me 😉. It definitely worth a watch if you can find it. 

Was listening to  Pretty sane (great blog by the way you should check it out) on the radio this morning and it was very interesting. It got me thinking about my medication as best as I can tell antipsychotic meds are supposed to get rid of Phychosis and voices but my meds are not doing any of this. So I guess I am going to question my GP on this. I would suggest either different meds or coming off them altogether. I am currently on a reduced dosage than I used to be and I am managing fine despite being told by everyone around me I would basically end up back in hospital. In the last while or so I have learned that stress is a massive factor in my symptoms. Like when I took on to much extra work and not giving myself a break on weekends my visual hallucinations kicked in , I can only describe them as seeing white light flowing like you would see a fire except its white light.  I cut out the extra work completely and the visual hallucinations seemed to cut out. I see visual hallucinations as a early warning signal from my brain I am under to much stress and need time for myself. I get a range of other symptoms which I gradually learned are just the internal workings of my brain from trauma in my past. The GP can sometimes just fob me off when it comes to meds probably because of my history of none compliance in my past which I understand but I not in the same position I was 10 years ago, I would imagine few would be, anyway I intend to question GP get his opinion.

I also saw some information on hearing voices that basically the society you are in shapes the voices you hear either there violent or playful. The link here is one study on the topic it’s worth a read if you have time, it says it may have implications for how schizophrenia is treated. News report voices shaped by local culture.

I usually struggle to sleep but I get by, unfortunately my father woke me during the week and kept waking me during the night with noise. I was knackered by Thursday and decided to skip my run that night. I also started to monitor my resting heart rate in the morning and my garmin watch has a stress score I think linked to HRV. It was going fine until Friday morning it dropped by a load and the next day it was maxed. My heart rate stress went from about 12 out of 100 to 96 out of 100. The only things I could thing of affecting it was general tiredness possible the effects of my risperdol injection and having my bloods done day or two before. It’s hard to tell. I usually am slower at running after my injection but I have never monitored my heart rate through this before. So if it is my injection that affects my running I am going to have to adapt my running plans around it. I intend to monitor and adapt my running accordingly. It might be best to take a day or two off not sure but heart rate score was 56 out of 100 today so it seems to be recovering.

 I came across a game in which the main character has a mental illness. The makers where in touch with people who hear voices like Rai Waddingham to get the effect of the mental illness as real as possible. Link to YouTube promo here worth a look if your into games YouTube link.

Well I have ranted on long enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.🏃🏼👍🏼

Thought Projection.

                           
Back from my morning run. The day was nice enough there was a bit of a shower early on. Was in a funny mood this morning. Starting out felt like the 7 miles I wanted to do was a bit intimidating. Which is strange considering I have done marathons. Also during the run I felt like I could just stop and go home even do it felt fine. Did 7 miles at Maff and they went fine, it felt good to get it done in the end. Have bank holiday Monday so might go for a cycle, see how the legs feel. I guess you don’t feel every run sometimes ya just need to get the miles in. 

One of my many running thoughts was I like to pay attention to nature on my runs, everything is in bloom this time of year , I seem to pay special attention to different colours like pink, red, white mixed in with all the green. I thought this is how I would look in a crowd of people. Everyone else is green colours and I would be different colour in with all the green. Not sure if that makes sense. It sounds nicer to me than I have a broken brain.

Since difficult encounter with fellow colleague , I have been trying to avoid looking in their direction as I believe they will freak out at me. I believe the stress of trying to deal with this has caused a flare up in what a psychiatrist would call Phychosis. I really believed people could hear my thoughts. If you can imagine everyone around you could hear your thoughts this is very stressful state of mind to be the in. I did my best to deal with it, I eventually tested it on my dog, since he did not react to any thoughts I had , I made up my mind that this is simply a stress response to what I would perceive as a stressful situation. I would also like to note I would trust my dog pretty much more than most people in my life. Along with this I was paranoid in general I also believed people in radio could hear my thoughts. I also started to obsess about certain thoughts. I would imagine my behaviour would be seen as unusual at work but there’s not much I can do about it. I took next Tuesday off as well as Monday hoping to distress and just relax and excercise for next few days. I did wake up this morning and for the most part forgot what I was obsessing about , and don’t believe people can hear my thoughts. I am happy enough in myself again. I would also like to note there was a time not so long ago I would not have realised my thoughts about thought projection is a stress response and let this get out of control. I believe I am about 4000% better at dealing and recogniseing this sort of flare up when they happen.

I did realise there is more or less no one in my life I could tell I was having a flare up in Phychosis. My family and doctor would overreact and would try to medicate the life out of me. I have one friend I don’t talk to much anymore, not sure how he would react if I tried to explain this stuff to him. I did have one therapist who said I don’t know why your telling me people can hear your thoughts there is nothing I can do about it. I think I would like to share it with someone so I guess this post will do. I guess to deal with it I would have to change my reaction to stress or simply remove myself from the stressful situations. I guess learning and dealing with stress differently would help. Hopefully meditation and reading up on mindfulness will have some impact on this.

The voices are still the same but for the most part leave me alone when I meditate. But not always sometimes they join in with mantra type meditation. I believe they find the type where you just focus on your breath the most stressful. They can call me unhelpful names during this. I guess it can make it colourful type of meditation, I usually consider it hard core meditation when I am being blasted with violent names but simply sit there just breathing which can sometimes happen.😅🐒

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight. 👍🏼🏃🏼👏🏼