Spiritual Circle

Hi hope your well have not posted in a while. Working away minding my business.

Joined a spiritual circle were you read cards and try and read a person from objects belong to them etc. I am not bad at it but need practice. Some nights it can mostly be chatting and having a laugh. We went on a day outing a week ago it was enjoyable.

I guess it gives a different meaning to some of the things I experience, for example waking up one night and seeing a ghost form of the divine mother standing over me. It was there for a few moments and disappeared. I gave thanks for the experience called my guardian and protectors close to me to keep me safe rolled over and feel asleep.

I felt like she was watching over me and keeping me safe.

It’s great to have a social circle outside of work. It does make me realize the people in work are just work colleges and it does not matter if we don’t get along. It was great to meet like minded people in the circle I get along with.

I enjoy going to a place called Fota Gardens see photos below along with some pictures of my circle group day out.

I still think my GP is an asshat but I have wasted enough energy on him.

My voices went quite last January they still talk but the volume is much lower and I don’t talk back much any more.

I no lounger accept my experience as an illness but can be tricky to deal with. There is a psychological element to what I experience but I believe this is over simplicity of what I experience, and always believed there is a spiritual part to what I experience but a grounded version of spirituality.

Going to Belfast start of September for training in the Maastricht interview looking forward to it. I need to practice traveling around I have not done much in the past.

Hope you have a good week, sending positive vibes

Keep up the good fight โœŠ๐ŸพโœŠ๐ŸปโœŠ๐ŸพโœŠ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿพ

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Tapering and other odd events.

The weather is still nice here in Cobh. Decided to have at least one lazy day a week, I guess this is it. Work is going well and I feel good at the moment.

About 4 weeks ago the tapering process came up a cropper. I woke on a Monday morning and suddenly felt massive irrational irritation and my voices went utterly ballistic. Things which I find to uncomfortable to blog about but which I relate to CSA as a kid resurfaced, this was upsetting but manageable. It was a challenge to say the least so I booked two days off work. I think one week in work I came up with weird and odd ways of dealing with voices every day.

I also decided given my precarious position to let work know my meds were being adjusted and not to panic it would sort itself out in few weeks. Also mentioned I had noticed some side effects and was unsure what people had noticed. They seemed ok about it.

To describe it, imagine on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being not really annoyed to 10 flipping out, my knee jerk reaction to just about everything was 7 or 8. It made the week interesting but I kept my cool if anyone noticed anything I don’t think it was Major.

Also noticed feeling almost high and low quite a few times in the space of about 5 minutes. Again I did my best to notice these feelings and let them pass on by. Also intensely aware of intense emotions which I seemed to associate to my voices , which they claimed they were using to attack me, but I couldn’t help but feel this is how they felt at the time. I did my best not to get swept away in the emotions and simply smile and let the emotions alone and some space without getting absorbed in to them.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks but last 2 week or so this has all slowly eased off. I have decided to go back to interacting with voices after 10 in the day. I try not to interact with them to much at work at moment as they are more pissed than usual. That said I have had a very quite few days recently.

I have had dizzy spells again this week and felt nauseous. At times I found it difficult to walk in a straight line. Depending who you ask all this would be a sign of tapering or the odd label I have been given or my odd head being my odd head.

I am happy and will argue to leave my current dosage of meds alone and see were I am at in 3 months.

The meditation continues to be of benefit which allows me to sleep well even when my mind is extremely busy. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit so might write these in another blog just to get them out of my head there mostly mad stuff but when I write them down there is usually something interesting about my life experience in them. Probably do light run in the morning. Doing little strength training at the moment with little yoga but nothing spectacular.

Still going strong as a vegetarian , have also cut out cream and nearly all cheese.๐Ÿ˜Ž

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight โœŠ๐ŸพโœŠ๐Ÿป

Hearing Voices Committeeย 

Greetings fellow humans.

I have the day off work today. Did little yoga and running this morning and it’s a nice evening here now.

Still practising meditation and yoga. Doing a more vigorous yoga class at the moment. I am used to running which is very competitive and your always trying to beat your times in races. Yoga is different your not competing with anybody just trying to get the hang of the pose and be mindful with your thoughts and breathing. It was a bit of shock to system trying more difficult yoga class the sweat was pouring out of me I had never done so many downward dogs in my life (it’s a easy looking yoga pose which is surprisingly difficult.) I am not sure I really want to stay at running it really tough on the body I always have aches and pains from it, yoga is much easier on the body now I am at plus side of forty. Running really was a joy in the past I am just not sure about it anymore.

I went to a comedy show last Saturday, it was funny enough. I plan to keep an eye out for comedy shows in future there quite enjoyable. I was proud I managed to be around so many people in theatre and still be in control of my thoughts and not get paranoid at things. I guess this was me making progress.

Finishing up large job in work hopefully it will be ok on site, there was a bit of a rush to get it out. Work relationships seem to be going ok hopefully stay this way. Sister started new job today hope it works out for her she has been out of work 2 years.

Made a compliant about my GP to HSE in relation to not reducing my meds. They gave me a email to some other body so I sent complaint to them. I don’t really think they will do much but I just want my voice heard somewhere. I also meet with a woman called Mary Maddock she wrote a book and is very against psychiatrists and had horrible experiences at there hands. I plan to read the book this evening. She might know a GP that may be able to help, see what happens I guess.

Meet with hearing voices committee today, that seem nice enough and are happy for me to be on committee. Will just play it by ear and hopefully make a useful contribution at some stage. Hoping to have hearing voices group possiblable set up before or around xmass again be interesting to see what happens.

Saw interesting Ted Talk “the magic off not giving a fuck” worth a look kinda funny. See link below.

Ted Talk

Hope your well

Keep up the good fight โœŠ๐Ÿพ

My Meds

Was just out for morning walk with dog thankfully got back before the rain feeling in Good mood.

Asked the doctor yesturday about reducing my dosage of risperdol but he said no. He said he would set up a appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss if I wanted. I know what psychiatrist would say before I go so I said I would think about it. The doctor asked me are the voices just in the back ground now I replied the meds have never affected the voices they have always been there. He quickly jumped to but the paranoia and thoughts of people after you would you be able to control this without meds. I should of said I have been learning by trial and error for years now and the bloody meds have never done what psychiatrist have promised but I could see he had his mind made up. For a doctor giving me various meds for last 10 years or so I believe he knows very little about my state of mind. I have been telling people around me that the meds do very little if anything for a year or so but no one seems to hear or be interested in this statement. They believe the meds and not hard work I have been putting in of just getting on with things is the reason I am doing well now. I find it amazing that everyone around me seems to know what’s going on in my head better than me ?

I was given information about someone who came off these type of meds before and the GP they have worked with. I send email to the GP to see what they will say. If they will work with me it would meaning changing GP and wrestling control of the meds from my mother. If this happens there will be much grief but I think it’s worth it. I can’t believe the only decision I have ever made in 10 years on meds is the one to reduce my dosage last year which my family flipped out at and rang my GP who almost changed his mind. OK rant over.

I can have trouble sleeping the meditation really helps to get back to sleep with a bit of effort. When you check online insomnia is listed as side effect of risperdol but my GP is denying this it’s hard to tell who to trust about the subject. I have asked about 3side effects I found online and my GP has denied all of them I don’t bother even ask any more. OK rant definitely over.

Still doing meditation and yoga the instructor mentioned 15 mins of yoga each morning is better than an hour class once a week been doing 15 mins of yoga each morning since. I will still go to class more to just get used to be around be people.

Work seems to be going well. There is a yoga day next weekend might give it a go see what happens.

Hope this post finds you well.๐Ÿ™‚

Keep up the good fight.โœŠ๐Ÿพ

Hearing Voices and meditation.

TW slight mention of CSA.

All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.

I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them. 

While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.

My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.

I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either.  I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.

Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self ๐Ÿ˜‰

On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fightโœŠ๐Ÿป

It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.

The good with the bad

Trigger warning mention of CSA 

Just want to jot down some good and bad points of my week.

I came out to work a while back about having the label schizophrenia. They seemed fine about it. 

I have a habit of laughing when engaging with the voices in my mind from time to time. I got paranoid that people in work where thinking I was laughing at them and hated me. I sent boss email during week saying if people have an issue with me laughing from time to time to myself that they should check link below about 30 secs in woman explains she was laughing to herself having conversation in her head (video is about 1:30 secs long worth look interesting woman)

SchizophreniaNYC
I got email few days later saying they would have a meeting to discuss and he would like to bring woman in office into meeting. It went fine they asked how they could help with my situation and asked what it was like to be schizophrenic. I have never really talked to someone about what it was like had no clue what to say. I said I can be paranoid people where against me. And he agreed that I could send an email to himself or woman if I was having an issue around something to check if it was an issue (this could prove really useful as I can get worked up and paranoid about trivial events) They also said they never noticed me laughing that I just came across as quite and did my work and went home and would never have guessed I was schizophrenic. I mentioned it was important to me that someone with my label is able to hold down a job just like everyone else. They said they where very happy with my work it was good to hear this. So it looks like I am genuinely paranoid about things hmmm……

I also noticed I could not say the word schizophrenic I kept saying someone with my label. I really don’t associate myself with the word. I also described my thoughts as interactive as in they talk back to me. All in all I believe I represented someone with my label well.

I went to yoga during the week, I was about as flexible as a brick but I enjoyed it will go back.

I also got the notion to start a local voice hearing group at weekends but no clue how. Got on to guy that knows something about this stuff by email he was on holidays but asked by email would I be interested in being on the committee of the voice hearing group I said I would be interested. No clue what I would need to do but be interesting to see where it goes. He’s back end of month.

After all this positive stuff I felt very strong tactile sensation (someone touching your body when no one is there) in part of my body that was most traumatised by sexual abuse as a kid.(it can feel like a reproduction of the abuse) The voices claimed they where raping me and I was enjoying it. To say I was jumping around the chair a bit would be understated but as usual I got my work done and got through the day. This can be a very stressful situation but when I went for a walk at lunch I pointed out to the voices I had not got upset with them and start fighting with them which at times is all they seem to want. The positive energy in me was strong enough to hold out. I can feel it at the moment I can’t help but think part of me can’t accept things are going well and almost needs to feel traumatised but I am not a child anymore and not a victim whatever my body feels my mind is free.

Keep up the good fight.๐Ÿ™‚

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fightโœŠ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ˜€