TW slight mention of CSA.
All is going as well as could be expected at the moment. Going to yoga class’s and it’s fine, I am about as flexible as a brick. Doing mindfulness course online and it helps me rethink the way I look at things. Practising different types of meditation a little most days. Work is going well with usual pressures and my awkwardness around people impartiality woman.
I mentioned in previous post I get tactile sensations (feeling of being touched with no one there) which reproduce sexual abuse I endured as a child. If I allow it this can be upsetting experience espically when voices kick in claiming they are doing it and there is nothing I can do about it and they don’t care. On top of that 5mins ago they one claimed there is something wrong with them and that they are evil raping bastards. About 2 days ago I decided to stop engaging with voices as they claimed to cause this to happen not sure if they do it’s hard to tell. Years ago I tried to stop engaging with voices and could not but for the last 2 days I have more or less ignored them.
While meditating last night one of them got very angry and aggressive and abusive and threatening . I just sat there observing this going on with out reacting and the voice eventually calmed down. They have been quiteish most of today but I still refuse to interact with them. Considering interacting with them next week but not sure. I have been interacting with them for about 10 years both good and bad this is a new experience for me and I guess them. They have said things which would imply they want to interact too they just don’t want to but for most part it’s been quite.
My parents moved into my house years ago when I was unwell it definitely looks like they are not moving. I spend most of my youth wanting to get away from them. I buy a house and they move into it. I genuinely dislike being around them. My mother is the most negative person I have ever known. My father has no concept of personal space and treats the house like a workshop there can be video machines all over parts of the kitchen. Also one of them is coming into my room to turn off device I listen to before I sleep , when I am asleep. As I am 41 old man I find this very unacceptable and uncomfortable. I plan to get rid of the device and placing something against door to stop them entering my room when I sleep. The levels of aggression in the house from them can be quite high. I am trying to practise mindfulness techniques of embracing the irritation I feel towards them but it is proving very challenging.
I was saving for kitchen but I have decided to try to figure out how to buy a second smaller house to get away from my parents. I am trying to make peace with them in my house but I am having difficulty in doing so. I have never really been close to either. I do the lotto regular in the hope, like every one else I guess, to get lucky and get out of here as quick as I can.
Trying something called TRE tomorrow for the day, will try to enjoy it and not be self conscious. I would imagine I will be my usual awkward self 😉
On mindfulness course watched talk about proven ways meditation can effect pathways in the mind. Included link here I thought it was interesting. Richard Davidson
Hope this post finds you well
Keep up the good fight✊🏻
It is true what they say you can’t please all the people all the time and that’s just fine.