A Safe and Peaceful place

Hello hope your well, sending positive vibes your way.

Just spend last few days in a cabin with no running water and electricity. You might be wondering why I would do such a thing. What is the mad twit up to now.

It was a yoga style retreat on Galway , the link is Willow Retreat . The person running it has a chat and decides what program would suit you for the weekend. I started feeling a bit frazzled and felt genuinely centered when finished. She is a hugger which took a little getting used to given my issues around personal space and touching, but got right into swing of it on the last day, now I almost feel like hugging everybody (I have no intentions to Incase your worried) but would like a hug now and then 😉.

I read parts of some books there one was The Untheredsoul . It had a very profound effect on how I viewed my mind, I have ordered it and intend to finish it. I would recommend it to any one with a troubled mind.

I went for a walk this morning and just felt a connection to things in nature, especially trees they just seem more interesting now. I tried not to act defensively to stuff with mostly success.

Took today off just to ease back into things. I have a daily practice from the weekend I intend to practice, I will start tonight. I intend to tidy the house and get a load of washing on first.

I feel I have a new viewpoint to at least try to stop putting up barriers, and just feel everything the world is and just do my best to remain centered and try not to store energy from stuff in my past and let energy around me, to just filter through and try to just be aware of it. Without storing any of it. Will see how it goes.😎

I would really recommend the retreat, can’t speak more highly of it.

Trying to get into habit of writing fiction when my head is busy see link below if your interested only few stories so far.

Fiction

Love this song by oh wonder it’s very relaxing worth a listen it popped up on my mind few times over weekend. Oh Wonder

Have a good day hope the universe sends blessings your way and you learn to grow from your troubles.

Keep up the good fight. ✊🏻✊🏾😉

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Tapering + Dissociation ?

Hi, hope your well , it’s a pleasant if slightly chilly Sunday afternoon here in Cobh.

Just did little body scan meditation. I find it very relaxing. When I do this I get a sensation of energy or heat on the part of the body I focus on. It is usually quite pleasant. My mind voices claim they do it but I think it’s just me it’s hard to tell (I realize the mind voices are aspects of self but I see it as various minds in one mind). I saw somewhere some monk said he gets same effect from meditation.

So tipping away nicely. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit to much lately. I think there are my minds reaction to feeling depressed, I write stories that amuse my self in my mind. I might throw some of these on another blog I do. Just to get them out of my mind. I had to make an effort to control and stop this from happening as if led unchecked I think it leads to a sort of manic high. Which actually feels great but becomes all consuming and eventually burns out and I can get a very low mood after it.

Spend some time this morning just walking in a field with the dog and just stop myself from thinking. I just listen to the birds and watch them. Listen to my footfalls on the grass. Interact with my voices a little but not to much. Feel the breeze on my skin and just notice things around me. I think this is called grounding or mindfulness. It’s quite relaxing I would recommend it to anyone with a busy mind. I also like to disappear in to a video game for a while but again find this all consuming so try to limit this as well.

I meet with my Psychiatrist last Tuesday. We discussed that you don’t so much get withdrawal effects from tapering but you do get an adjustment period from changing your dosage. Sounds like the same way of saying the same thing to me just makes the psychiatrist feel better about herself. Still at least she acknowledges this as GP will acknowledge nothing. I agreed with psychiatrist to leave at current dose until Jan next year and then if all good taper to lower dose. I might continue taper in 3months depending how I fell. I have gone from 50mg injection to 37.5 injection. I am glad I did this, as I no lounger feel like I have an hangover the morning after injection. I did have a reaction to reduction but did not panic as experienced same thing a year ago when adjusted injection from 2 weeks to 3 weeks.

Saw my GP on Friday he kept asking how everything was you could almost tell he wanted me to still be struggling but I was fine. I discussed what the psychiatrist said he once again stated he did not want to adjust dosages. I said he had already made that clear. I still think he is a complete tit. I have survived despite his care which I still consider to have severely hindered my recovery process. The mother asked her GP if she would take me on she said she might give me a call before the end of the year as there is waiting list. It would be nice to change she could not be worse then my current GP who is literally no support in tapering process and if I left him have his way it would never have happened.

I was in work during the week and was interacting with my work colleague. I sat down next to her. I think I was swinging my legs around , I believe she just lightly taped the side of my knee with hers, possibly to bring my attention to it. The second this happened all of my senses shut off , there is not a single thought in my head and all I see is black. I have no clue how long this went on for possibly a few seconds. I come to I am leaning away from the woman I am sitting next too. I felt like a kid, two of my hands are planked in the chair between my legs and I am swinging the chair around like a kid. I continue discussing what’s on the monitor like nothing happened the poor woman looks a bit surprised to say the least but says nothing. I did not think much about it until few days after. I am not sure if should ask work if something happened or not. I think I will but not sure.

I went to a new therapist also during the week , she has training in something called the Maastricht interview. There is a link at bottom of post if your interested. We had a chat and started the process it looks like it suited to people who hear voices so should get something from it.

Work gave me time off to go every 2 weeks as long as I work it back on Saturdays. I said I experience intrusive thoughts to her but did not go in to detail. I have had very bad experiences trying to explain this to people. Especially since the nature of them are based around the topic of rape and sexual abuse I went through as a kid but unfortunately I am the bad guy in the images and thoughts.

When I first experienced these I went completely mad I ended up committing myself as I thought I was a danger to woman and children and just about everyone around me (I would like to add the only person I was ever a danger to was myself). I explained in the mental hospital I was experiencing intrusive thoughts people did not react well one so called professional nearly chucked me off the ward. They kept giving my meds which did not help and treated me like I was I threat which just fed into my negative state of mind. It continued to get worse and meds did fuck all. I tried to kill myself 4 or 5 times as I could not live with how intrusive thoughts made me feel. I eventually just learned to live with them. I think I read somewhere they were a reaction of the mind to being in a situation it did not want to be in. They have mostly died off over the years but can get bad from time to time. I try not to react to them in any way as this just seems to feed into a nightmare of a self feeding loop of nightmare type stuff. I have meet a few woman online who have had a very similar experience, it was nice to know I was not alone.

Well that was heavier then I intended anyway I described the blackout effect I experienced during the week to therapist. She described it as Dissociation I believe this is a defensive reaction of the mind to a situation it does not want to be in. I will have to read up on it as it happens to me now and then.

This post really is heavier than intended.

Still tipping away at yoga and odd run.

Take care of yourself

Keep up the good fight.✊🏻✊🏾

Maastricht Interview link

Tapering GP Issue

Hi hope your well,

As mentioned in previous posts started tapering my meds. Had planned to make it as slow as possible. The psychiatrist recommended reduce to certain amount and see what happens. I take medication from GP by injection. I discussed with my GP I would like to reduce slower than the big jump psychiatrist suggested. He reluctantly agreed.

My mother went to collect my injection week or two ago and GP ignored what I had discussed with him and reduced prescription by the big jump I was trying to avoid. My mother all fairness reacted well enough when she rang me to see what was going on. She got the pharmacist to get the dosage I requested to bring to GP and rang GP and gave him bit of a bollocking.

When I went to GP he just blamed the pharmacist and also just said that was what psychiatrist prescribed. And more or less ignored what I had requested. The more I deal with the guy the more of a complete twit the guy is.

So I have had two injections at reduced dosage and so far it’s going well. However I have noticed a lot of dizziness. Considered getting train from work instead of motorcycle as my balance is bit off but I was fine. Will mention to my GP but given he’s a fucking Moran I don’t expect much of reaction.

I am working away and doing little yoga , somewhat cautiously as balance bit off. Doing a bit of meditation I enjoy it, sometimes I am good at it other times it can be a struggle. Started going for long walks at the weekend get the endorphins going , might hopefully offset effects of tapering a bit.

Decided not to react or interact with the voices in my mind as much but pay attention to what the say without reacting 98% of the time.

As usual when I mediate I can see images , mostly nice ones these days. I believe the last one was of a nice pond with a gold fish in it.

Got stuck in to my next course but it is largely DSM based and not very good.

It is lovely weather here at the moment plan to go for a walk most days after work get a bit of fresh air most days. Good for the mind.

Been watching stand up comedy’s on Netflix some are very good. Will have a look for one now and see if any good.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏻

My meds and GP compliant 

It’s a wet Friday night where I am at. My mood is good as I hope is yours.

Practise yoga each morning for 15 mins. Sarahbethyoga on YouTube is very good if you feel so inclined. I am still terrible at some poses but getting the hang of others. Get some meditation most days. In practiseing mindfulness I have noted once again my incredible ability to have an imaginary argument in my mind. It truly amazes me I get up in the morning and try some what haphazardly to practise yoga then as soon as I get to make breakeast I am having an imaginary argument in my mind. I become aware of it usually fairly fast and stop it in its tracks just to start a completely new argument 30 secs later it’s pure gas. I think this is among the reasons the voices in my mind call me the angriest man in the world. I believe there is a lot of anger and frustration at things in my past and present which I must learn to focus in a positive way.

I found myself constantly arguing in my mind about taking medication which I believe has not helped my position. Upon my GP not going for a reduction in my meds and said he would set up meeting with psychiatrist which I have no faith in, which I mentioned in previous post . I was annoyed and made a complaint to some medical board. I think it was 2 weeks ago . I promptly forgot about it and did not think it would amount to much. I received an email a day or two ago saying they acknowledged my email and would review in some committee.

I went to my GP today to get my injection and had not realised they had informed my GP. Which led to a very tricky conversation in which he started typing out what I was saying. He said he could not treat me and said he would look into another GP giving me my injection. Does not bother me to much did not think much of him as GP. He said it was causing him a lot of stress. I had no clue what to say. I don’t think I will see much of him anymore. He also said it would be difficult to treat me in future as I may make a compliant about him, not sure what to make of that statement.

No clue what will happen. The compliants board asked me to produce any evidence to support my complaint. I might ask around for advice to see what people say. I really did not think they would take someone like me seriously but they seem to be.

Other than odd conversation with my now ex-GP. Just working away doing my think trying to make time for WordPress but not feeling it these days so watching Ted Talks on app on iPad . There is some great stuff on it.

Doing bit more running these days trying to enjoy it. Not doing much just 3miles a few times a week.

Well that’s my update.😀

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

Hearing Voices Group & Darkness

Hi, it’s early in the morning hear decided to do quick post.

Meet up with guy on committee of HVN. It seemed to go well. I was tasked with trying to find a venue for free around 6 in the evening. No clue were to start tried libarays but they only had room at weekend found a place local for about 25 Euro an hour which is not to bad but not free. Not sure who to ask now but will keep an eye out. He asked me to attend committee meeting in months time. See how it goes.

Turned up for Thi chi last Saturday but no one around bit disappointed but intend to look at you tube see if can learn a bit of it. They changed the times of yoga classes so need to find new one. I think there is a few around city will look at today. Trying another TRE class today last one went fine should be ok I intend to practise it going into the future.

Practise meditation every morning and night. When meditationing I get feeling in my back now which reminds me of being held (gripped as if owened by him) by my abusive grandfather. I try and relax but it is a bit unsettling but I try not to let it bother me. The voices claim it’s them and they want to hurt me. They claim they do just about everything so I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Still practising 15min yoga each morning it’s nice way to start the day.

Mood been a bit funny lately, I turned 42 yesturday. I was feeling it was great to be alive but yesturday I seemed to run out of steam at work, I just felt flat. I got my work done and headed home. I sat at home scrolling through social media trying to encourage myself to make my dinner. I sort of wished I had marked my birthday some way and to not need to go to class the day after to learn how to get rid of trauma from the body. I tried to accept were I was at but it was hard too, I didn’t ask to be like this. Part of me wants to get out in the world and part of me wants to utterly retreat from it. I had a little suicidal feelings. I tried some music to improve mood but thought this is just hiding from myself. I tried to accept the emptiness inside me given my life I will be spending at least some time alone I need to be comfortable alone. I tried to just feel were I was at and it was fine to feel upset I got a little teary and just tried to stay with this emotion. I thought of my niece texting my happy birthday and taking piss that I was old. I smiled and tried to keep feeling of emptiness or darkness in me next to feeling of happiness of interacting with my niece. My mood swiftly lifted and I felt fine. This all happened within 10 mins of arriving in the door of my home. I am fine just in funny mood. I still struggle to interact with people. If I allow it can have massive impact on my mood. I still try to come up with ways not to have too interact with people.

Right I am going to practise some yoga and get on with my day.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight😉

Thi Chi & The voices are quite I wonder what there up too.

I am enjoying a lazy Saturday afternoon about to put on dinner. Hope this post finds you well.

Tried Thi Chi workshop thing this morning. It was interesting. The Thi chi was bit confusing but interesting. She is starting class’s next month might join them. It was mostly woman in class I spoke to 2 people in the time I was there.

She had tea break half way through, which meant people were talking to each other. I still find it amazing how absolutely alone I feel in a room full of people talking. I felt my mood go downhill but kept a mantra I use in my mind in conjunction with some breathing and got through break with out leaving mood drop to low.

She did ask did people get tinkling in there hands during excercise. She called this Chi I did not mention anything as I get sensations in my hands all the time not sure if same thing.

One of the meditations she did you had to focus on people you love and trust. I was utterly fucked if I could thing of people so just smiled to myself and thought it was a bit sad I could think of just about no one I trust that really gets me, I did think of my blog and some of people n here but not sure how to work that into meditation 😉but it did not bother me more then that.

I continue to mix and match various meditations depending on my mood and time. I thing it does help the mind. I can mostly see a train of thought go down a negative path early on and just focus on my breath and mantra or just blank my mind. It stops the flow of negative or just plain mad thoughts from going into full swing. It is also super relaxing. Some nights my legs and arms would be absolutely roasting from it. I believe this is effect of autogenics.

I have only done a few yoga classes but I believe already I can feel a difference in just general moving around. It just seems less achy which is great. There was only one woman in last class with myself I even spoke to her briefly, which I considered a minor victory.

I continue to just interact with my voices just at night time when I play sounds of the forest. They are mostly quiet. To be fair they used to say a lot to stop talking to them. I am finding I am paying more attention to people around me and trying to talk to them more, not sure how I come across but I guess if I am not talking to my voices I need someone to talk to.

On another note I sometimes wonder was the world always this crazy with the stuff in the news.and If you went back 1000years was it still as mad. I just wonder from time to time.

I have rambled on long enough. I am off to make dinner.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀