Autogenics or Madness

Back from my morning run it went well. Lovely morning for run, My Maff pace is gradually picking up as I go. Eventually hope to be back running at same pace on my long runs at the lower Maff heart rate. I am really getting back into my running and feeling exited at the little pick ups in pace even if I am still quite slow.

I had an some experiences during the week which I was not sure what to make of. I was interacting with people in the office and realised my social skills were so bad that the holiday I had planned was just not going to work. I was planning to go to Thai land next November or so but realised I would probably spend all of the time sitting in the hotel room. Seems a bit expensive to go on holidays and just sit in hotel room so as not to deal with the stress of having to interact with people. I was looking forward to the holiday and had inquired about prices but decided to give it a miss. I did feel very disappointed at this and could feel my self get depressed but as this happened the relaxed feeling I get from practiseing autogenics seemed to start at top of my head and flow into my limbs. I was not sure what to make of the sensation and tried to just go with the flow. The feelings of depression stopped. I decided to put my energies into training for Cork to Cobh race next October so I had something to look forward to. My mind went onto other matters and a few minutes later I thought I am supposed to be depressed but was surprised to find I simply did not feel so.

A day or so later the idea that my thoughts are being heard by people around me became quite strong. This had caused me a lot of problems in the past. I don’t act on any of this type of thought process as I once asked a boss in previous job can you hear my thoughts . He looked at me as if I had 50 heads and completely mad. I then talked to myself about this and it did not make sense and I had no real evidence to support this. Still 1 minute after I explained this to myself I was back wondering what everyone made of my thoughts. I smiled at myself and every time this thought process popped up I would do most best to just focus on my breathing and not obsess on the thought which I know from experience is just not healthy. This thought process has stopped since thankfully.

Yesturday at work when talking to people I felt the same relaxed sensation I get from meditation kick in without trying to provoke it. I felt very relaxed for the rest of the day at work. The voices I hear claimed they where responsible for this and if I would just interact with people more I would feel more of the same. I go to lengths to avoid people as they are just to stressful. It’s hard to believe anything the voices say as they were back saying there job is to destroy everything  I am a few minutes after saying they made me feel relaxed. I have started to tell the voices my job is to keep us alive and well and maybe get few extras out of life along the way.

I practise one shaman type meditation each night I usually feel energy entering my body and I feel quite refreshed after it. I have not studied it more than this but enjoy the practise of it so will keep it up.

Not sure if these sensations of relaxed states of mind and body are from meditation or just more signs the world things I’m mad. If anyone who practises meditation and experiences these things do let me know in the comments.

I can still wake up a few times a night but seem to get by on what sleep I get. Still get annoyed at things but in general feeling good about the week.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight🏃🏼😀

Link to autogenics if your interested

Link to Maff training if anyone interested

100 like me and my weekly stuff

Was out for a great run this morning and the weather is great. It was nice running (let’s call it shuffling) along the road. Tried to practise little mindfulness by paying attention to my breath my footsteps and a bit of nature. This made the run more enjoyable. My pace is still slow but bit by bit my maff pace is getting better and better for some parts of the run was in the 10 minute mile range which is where I am aiming for it to be. Even managed to jog albeit slowely up the hill I usually have to walk in places to keep heart rate low so feeling chuffed with myself at the moment. Link below to Maff  if anyone interested in it.

Link to Maff training type
Was nominated by  Yourenotaloneinthisworld (great blog by the way worth checking out)to pick a song I like which meant something to me. Only getting around to it now. The song is 100 like me the lyric “there must be 100 like me I am not the only one hiding“. When I heard it and first realised it was about different people and ther mental health I got emotional. I guess it made me feel not alone in my struggles and in hiding my illness. I think I hide it to avoid the stigma but sometimes I wonder is it just not to make people around me uncomfortable. I think the song is great and the video is also worth a look. See link below it’s definitely worth a listen.

Link to YouTube song 100 like me

Noticed the early onset of a bit of an episode yesturday evening but listened to some music and tried to focus on my breath and the episode came to a full stop. Had to try very hard to not let my thoughts go to a dark place my voices where somewhat supportive during this phase, as soon as I pulled out of it they went back to there usual ways. I think the best I can do is spot a negative line of thought and stop it before I get carried away. I guess I need practise at this.

Been practising some shaman meditation to my usual stuff . I am not sure if I should given my minds capacity to get carried away with things. I want to ask someone’s advice about it but no clue who to ask about this. For example when I visualise drawing energy from the ground I literally feel the sensation of it rising in my body. I believe a physiatrist would call this tactile hallucination I don’t know if it’s normal to feel these things for every one when practiseing or just myself. Saw a shaman once when I was going through hell years ago I recall him saying I was a super sensitive given the way I reacted to some things. Not sure what to make of it for now all I intend to practise is the meditation from it and stay grounded and just see where it goes.

My dreams for the most part where fine had one difficult night. They are still very vivid and can wake me up but I am we’ll practised at getting back to sleep.

Not sure if I will go back to therapy. I am not saying I am closing the door to it just that I am seeing how I get on with out it for a while , I may give it a go again but the last time I went. Really had nothing’s to say.

I got my raise in work, they seem happy with me said to keep up the good work.

Was doing some research on mindfulness they mentioned you may become aware of things in your life you where previously unaware off. The one thing that has really stood out for me has been the level of violence in the way people in the house communicate with each other. The language they use is incredible. You would not hear it in a movie with bad language. I also noticed that at times my own inner speech can reflect this as well. Making more of an effort to be more compassionate to myself and how I think of others. It’s taking a bit of effort but I think it’s worth it.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.👌🏽👍🏼😊

Dreams Voices,  Meditation 


Mediatiation & Voices

Practicing meditation away. Seems like an enjoyable process. The autogenics and mantra meditation are much easier than just mindfulness breathing. I find just trying to be aware of my breathing extremely difficult as my mind can be very busy and if it’s quite the voices are not inclined to speak up.

I had an experience during the week which I have not had in over 10 years. While practising mantra meditation (which I have been doing for few weeks) . I do have quite times without voices but anytime I become aware that it is quite in my mind the voices kick in, so it is unusual to get to enjoy just having a quite mind. I was saying my mantra over and over and noticed there where no voices in my mind at the time, which would usually lead to them swearing at me but nothing happened. This continued on for a while and even when I reached out for them. I think I experienced this once while sleeping in the last 10 years or so. It might not sound like a big deal but I sort of felt normal for just a little while. Whatever normal is supposed to be.

The voices still call me bad stuff but I think the 2 main woman who I hear have mellowed a little bit. They would argue that its me who has changed and it is becoming almost impossible to insult me anymore. It’s hard to tell maybe it’s just me who’s changed my reaction time them but I think they have mellowed a bit from what I remember of them in the past. The voice Beatrice says she has not mellowed and to not write this in my ear as I read over it but I wrote it anyway.

WORK

I asked my boss for a raise. He said he was happy with my work and I deserved one and would look into it and let me know Monday. I guess the feeling of not fitting in is something I always get in groups of people, and leaving purely because of this will just keep happening in every job so will stick it out and see what happens.

RUNNING

Training away during the week it seems to be going fine again. My average Maff pace is about 12:00min/mile which is slow running but it is slowely getting faster again and it feels like I am back running again as apposed to just shuffling along. Going up hills is a disaster while trying to keep,heart rate down but all in all it feels good. It’s good to be back running gives the mind something else to focus on.

Deppression

Had an odd realisation during the week. I was sitting there working away and my thoughts started to get negative and I started feeling down for no reason. This can happen to me from time to time. I started to catch each negative thought before it could take route, and say thing like I caught you and laugh to the thought in my head. I believe this was deppression. I was diagnosed with it and depressive episodes I believe are part of schizophrenia. I just never put the two toghter till now. I find it odd I never realised this. I felt down a bit for rest of day but went for a run and more or less got rid of this frame of mind by next morning. It really taints the whole thought process and is difficult to realise it’s happening. Need to be more aware of this going forward.


Dreams

I am just going to jot down what’s going on in my dreams this morning not sure anyone is interested.

I simplified my instructions to my sleep self to just enjoy yourself and have good and peaceful dreams and To seek friends and allies to help me in my dreams.

I found my sleep self going around in my dream saying hello friend how are you to just about everything.

I always wake up in bed in my dream and go looking around the house in the dream . I meet a person purely made up of hands Touching at finger tips with a very compassionate set of eyes. I shook there hand. Then answered the door to a postman giving me mail saying to run 5 miles. When I went for a run later that morning in my waking life I did 5 miles , I guess that sounds mad but it seemed like a good idea.

I then went outside in the dream and kept saying hello to everyone I meet and asking how are you friend. Also something I noticed there are very few men in my dreams mostly just woman. Not sure what to make of it. Everyone then went up along a fence and I saw a pig sleeping in a tree and a brown bull in a very friendly manner approached me like he was a friendly dog. I patted him and said hello. He then died and branches grew out of his stomach. Not sure if everyone has dreams like this or are mine just nutty.

I also had a dream of lying in bed and looking at shadows on the ceilings. Which would then drop of the ceilings on to me. I don’t seem to be afraid of them in my dream. I think they represent repressed sexuality. Not sure what to make of them.

Well I have ranted on long enough hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻🏃🏼

Link to autogenics
Link to Maff running