Hearing Voices V’s Marathons

Hi, hope your well. Just some thoughts to get out of my head. So sticking here. I was in a hearing voices group the other day and got to thinking about some of the toughest marathons I have done. I barely run around the house these days but I am getting back into shape.

I ran the Dublin marathon it was my third marathon and it was bloody brutal but I got around. On the drive up to Dublin from Cork the sister stomach got sick and she started puking, she was driving but we got there.

I got up the next morning and my stomach was sick and I did not feel 100% I had to make a decision to run or not to run. I had spend months training and travelled up from Cork and paid to stay in Hotel over night. So I was going running. I hit around mile 12 I actually felt fine at about mile 12 and a half I completely feel to pieces. My body just lost all energy I had nothing left in the tank, I was beat and done. I was strongly considering sitting down and waiting for the ambulance at the back of the marathon to catch up and just pick me up on the way. This was my third marathon and I don’t like to give up being given labels like schizophrenia etc. I always had a little something to prove.

My voices were quite at the time but did mention the whole failure as a schizophic. I made the decision to keep going and said to them just one step at a time and see what happens. They went quite with a caution maybe it was time to sit this one out.

They had loud clackers as we went around people would clack them in your face to encourage you. I kept feeling I was going to throw up every time someone did. I remember a kid doing so and I could not even respond, he said why did I not respond to his parents and I muttered I am in struggling and managed a smile.

Every mile hurt but step by step I just kept moving along. I have no idea how but got from mile 12 to 26 As I crossed the finish line I remember hearing aloud banging sound. I had no idea what it was and then realized it was the sound of my feet hitting the grounded very heavily as I crossed the finish line. My leg cramped violently and I could not run another step but I did not need to. This a picture of myself going around no clue what mile, I hardly look the picture of health. If I ever think of running a marathon please have me committed ( just kidding please don’t I have had the experience not a good look ).

I would consider hearing voices a blessing but at times it can truly be testing and almost impossible. I have spend years at relative piece with my voices from a place of utter hell with them. They had a melt down again last year but with a few ups and downs I am on the mend again. A change of address to the countryside helped a lot.

I was thinking of the early days I had my more intense voice hearing days. I was asked by my father to just sweep up the floor in the workshop he was moving out off. I began sweeping what should off taken a 10 minute job dragged on way to long. The voices just went ape it just felt like they where shouting and pushing me down with what felt physical force or emotions of an unpleasant nature. I ended up sitting on the floor with a pile of dust sweeped up with brush in hand task completed and I felt broken and just sat there listening to voices just unload on me. This was the early stage of this part of the hearing voices in my life I had no coping mechanisms and no idea which was up or down or what was going on.

This simple task was just heart breaking, I mean I just felt broken. I would consider this simple task a lot harder than running the marathon above and that f**ker was tough.

If my voices tried this now it is still difficult but it would have no ware the same effect and I can usually get things done. Time, experience and searching for healing and what works is truly important.

I have started my own HV group on a Sunday at 4pm Irish Time. It is just for voice hearers feel free to drop by if so. See zoom link below.

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89201253186

Love and Light Keep up the Good fight.

Give your self a Pat on the back.

Once upon a time I ran many races from 5k, 10 miles to 15 miles to my crowning achievement the marathon. I slogged around 3 of them. As a rule of thumb, I my enjoyment would generally rest on a fast time or racing some person I knew nothing about panting and wheezing my way along struggling to maintain a pace I probably should not be maintaining. Below is from my first half marathon I went out way to fast nearly passed out chasing some time or other, I nearly cried at the end seeing the finish line such was my relief for making it around I did not think I was going to make it.

I would go out on 18 to 20 mile runs first thing in the morning with no breakfast looking for the right time and pace and cadence and heart rate. I would run 4 hours and not be happy because my heart rate and pace where off by something or other. I would be a bit cranky because of this. I ran 50 plus mile weeks. Rarely happy but always trying to improve on this and that by my watch which fed me all sorts if weird information.

All the running and I missed something. Just be happy with where I was while trying to improve. I hit a tough patch when I crashed my motorcycle and broke my shoulder my health did not really recover and then went through a tough time with mental health kept indoors a lot like a lot of people with Covid around. The result is I could barely run around the house for 5 minutes. Ouch!!

The sister sends on an app from couch to 5k in 9 weeks. I am on week 6 and finding it tough but enjoyable. The time passes whether we try something or not, so I am up and running again at the young age of 45 to get fit and healthy. I appreciate where I am. It takes an effort to get the runners on (over the belly it does honest). And to get out and move for a half an hour or so.

I am looking forward to running for full half an hour and I am happy where I am at because I cannot get to running half an hour until I do what I can now. I take a moment at the end of each session to give thanks for the effort I am making now. I would have not done this while running 20 plus miles. I kind of feel sorry for where my mind was at, at the time. Just chill enjoy the run and the effort my body and person were making. I feel I could not see that at the time and as a person I need to step back and just pat myself on the back for where I am now and enjoy the journey a bit more.

I find it odd I needed to get to a place where I am not doing well physically to start appreciating where I am a bit more not just saying but feeling it. It is like in a very goal orientated society I sort of feel I have reached my goal by just accepting myself for where I am at and just working away at thinks and try enjoying them.

In kind of feel this applies to all parts of my life not just running. So, try it today pat yourself on the back just purely for where you are and feel that for a few seconds.

Love and Light Keep up the Good Fight.

Mike

Ain’t life grand

Last year my mental health hit the rocks.

Today I did my third week walk/run.

Another stepping stone in my physical/mental health.

My voices roared and bellowed I am a evil for this and that.

I still reckon I am a nice guy.

They stab at my body expressing their pain, it hurts.

But I look at the sky it is blue the clouds are beautiful white.

I give thanks.

I think of a quote I heard once life is grand even racked with misery and doubt.

I smile I almost cry in joy at the madness and beauty of it all.

The sweat rolls off my brow.

For a while it is grand to be mad again.

I smile.

Open Communication

Hope your well. Another week down another few quid made. I am sitting in Mitchelstown listening to Luke Kelly on my favorite Irish music list see link to Spotify below. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CLrbYePy72EaImbw90XGs also eating hula hoops. What more could a happy man want. My Voices are going off in the background and some unpleasant tactile sensations but nothing I am not used to. I touch on few topics below as always nothing is meant to give offense just poking a bit of fun listening to some tunes on a Saturday night.

The work week went well hit a few issues with my voices on Friday evening as trying get some drawings out the door. Not really in the mood for work now and dealing with people which might make my voices very irritated. Need to do a little overtime tomorrow I am thankful of the blessing of a wage but mindful not to push myself to hard this year. My work is better this year as I get my person more online.

I feel myself getting better here I am glad I came but not really looking forward to moving back to Cobh but will do as I need but trying to figure a way out of it to keep the head clear of the place. I heard voices last night outside my door in the form of people in the house I was able to make them go away be just focusing on them. It was weird I don’t think I was able to do this before. Their not my main voices but I fell asleep I had a good nights sleep.

I am doing an energy course this weekend it is good my mood was a bit low but it definitely lifted my mood. I would recommend energy work it can be very beneficial and you feel great once you have done the time clearing stuff. It was nice to get card reading as well. I have been working a lot at grounding a lot lately. It is working but I sort of miss the highs that go with being not grounded you have a million ideas you Brain feels like it wired to car battery. It is like you are high on your own thoughts I feel like I am coming down which you sort of need to do. I remember this from before it takes me time to adjust to a Brain that just rabbits thought after thought after thought to less and less of this.

I don’t know if it qualifies as a condition other then the dreaded schizophrenia label people seem to shit themselves when I tell them. Not sure I really care as I have enough labels that don’t mean much to me but seems to matter a enormous amount to people who have known me a few years. Suddenly they find out or I tell them I instantly seem to morph into a three headed beast spitting fire.

To be fair after the initial shock most people handle it fairly well after they retreat to a safe place to recover from their reaction to what I now consider a challenging but safe and normal reaction to an abnormal situation (trauma) I believe Eleanor Longden said this (I think don’t quote me). See link to some more information to her here, https://www.psychosisresearch.com/news/dr-eleanor-longden-joins-psychosis-research-unit/ I believe this woman’s Ted Talk was a game changer for a lot of people it was for me when I saw it some years ago (more years than I care to think of) I had conversation to someone today he said the last 20 years flew, I though sure if you add a 0 to the 20, I am glad to be alive that said.

I have seen the look on the face when I have said I have the SCHIZPOHRENIA to one friend. He looked like he was going to push his head through the steering wheel, a reminder not to tell people when they are driving. Their reaction could cause a serious accident. I genially believe their reaction is that dangerous (ok I am kidding, like mostly)

So the reason I started writing this post and sort of interestingly meandered here was I mentioned to my sister that I still hear voices. The look on her face spoke volumes.

I believe she was utterly under the impression I did not hear voices which would well be more than a slightly untrue. She also believed someone who hears voices would not be able to work in an office. I agree it has been difficult in the office environment but not impossible. It has had its challenges but for the most part I have nearly always been able to channel my, lets say my high energy Brain into my work, at a more than a rapid rate and accuracy.

In a small office this has been useful to everyone they made money and I was employed. I have been doing this for more than 7-8 years after my last crash 14 years ago. I might add the ever so enlightened physiatrist at the time said I would never work again. Obviously I disagree with him having done the work under some fairly unusual states of mind. It can show the information my family was provided with (and cultural influence) on my first crash had a lasting impression. I know they have kids and more than their fair share of problems. It is just they where living under the belief that someone that hears voices can not work or basically function as a member of society. As a three headed monster I cannot express how untrue this is.

Now imagine you are already struggling and your family through no fault or their own view you in this way as well. You are already down and the medical team are also treating you the same way. They are giving you pills that are basically not working. Also in your belief system you are going through a spiritual awaking which you cannot really navigate without some help. So you are not to gone on pills which confuse your mind make your stomach feel sick and you are gaining wait at an alarming rate. Also seemed to cause a very unpleasant gout as side effect (ouch) .Try imagine that for a moment think what would you do. Go on I dare you come up with a cunning plan, I certainly spend enough nights trying. Heck even tried to implement a few with some success eventually. (took a few years and tears and smiles).

Sorry that was more serious than I thought it would be and went places I did not mean to go.

I was at hearing voices group today. I really enjoyed it. It was great to make the connection with people who can at least relate to some of your experiences. It lifted the mood and the time flew by. It was good to see some familiar friendly faces who where not going to judge you for having some really weird ass experiences you are trying to figure out. See link to one of their sites here. http://www.hearingvoicesusa.org/hvn-usa-groups-list/details/1/251-hvn-texas-online

I managed to get a little yoga and running in last week, ok like around the house for 10 mins roughly but it is a start to get back in to it. I am committing (no pun intended) here and now to stick at it 🙂

Wishing you love and light and keep up the Good fight my friends in the PC 🙂

Below is link to GoFundMe for self-care cards I am trying to get off the ground and help appreciated.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/selfcare-cards

The Blessing of a New Day

Good morning it is a lovely morning here pictures attached. I am thankful for the blessing of another day also a break from where I live to get into the countryside. It really is a lovely spot.

I designed two Mother’s Day Cards yesterday I quite like them, the Sisters said they like them so as month goes on see where can get them printed up cheap ready for March. Plan to look at some get well cards today see how I do. Might do another Mother’s Day card see how I go.

It is great to see reactions to stuff I place on Facebook. Plan to promote the sight bit more but later in the month. The voices are much quitter this morning which is nice.

I had a good night’s sleep woke to some weird stuff. So woke up to slight sweat pains in my forearms and hands and hips and smell of rotten eggs and sensation in the stomach of something that should not be there, I heard a car driving off at the same time. Not sure what to make of it other than the pain is real and the weakness in my arms is real and my stomach feels off However, when I focus on it I can make it go away mostly. It sort of feels like there is something eating you but you cannot see it a bit unpleasant to say the least. I have gotten more than used to it over the years. I always associate it with some people and combination of voices I have interacted with over the years. I also note at least I am not in Cobh where I would hear many cars driving away and few folks messing about and laughing. I like Cobh and there is some brilliant people there but it appears to be a few bad apples as well. I have had the belief they followed me up the country a few times and other places for about 14 years now. I look forward to selling my house and moving to country on to a little land. Where I have more peace of mind.

I did little energy work which seems to reduce and clear the effect of the night. It should clear over the day. Might ask the Sister for some distance Reiki might clear a but faster. I went outside and stood on the grass little cold but it is lovely to feel the ground under your feet.

I am curious do any other people pick up on anything of my experiences but after asking many questions over the years I learned to stop asking as it is a waste of time. I count my blessings and set my intent to do a little exercise and little work before the day is done and try not to eat to much chocolate. I tell myself this knowing full well I will eat the chocolate but I think you are allowed this time of year, not sure my weighing scales agrees with me.

Below is a link to Go Fund Me to Get Self Care Cards done up any few quid be appreciated to help fund them.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/selfcare-cards?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1

Have a great day.

Love and light.

May the Divine Shower with Blessings.

10 Blessing to Note Today:

My body is Healthy and well.

It is a lovely morning.

I am getting bit of my own design work done.

It is a lovely quite spot here.

I am always grateful for my spiritual connection.

My mind/body is recovering every day

There are some lovely goldfish next to me quite happy swimming around there bowl.

I have designed 3 sets of cards ready to go into production later this month.

I have plenty of food and running water.

I can go for a quick run to clear the mind. Hope to do so now.

God/Madness/People/Voices–Part—2

So following from Part 1 post. I have mentioned my struggles with mental health over the years on this site. So I am going to give a quick summary now again bare in mind some of this is going to sound completely and utterly mad but this is the life I have lived and just need to get this stuff out of my head so it stops bothering me. I have some confusion in my mind so will simply use the short V/P to refer to voices and what I perceive as people. There is truth to this but again take everything with a grain of salt it sounds totally bonkers to me but it is good to write it out.

So over the years I have come to the conclusion my person is way to sensitive to people and energies causing me and others all sorts of issues. I don’t even know where to start with these will do a separate post. I think it sort of qualifies as some sort of empath but I think but it gets like way weirder than that but I need to factor in my mental health. So bare with me as I just summarize about 14 years of my life.

I bought a house in a lovely town in Cork. I initially intended to retire here but I have wanted to move out more or less since the day I moved in, ( I have been in negative equity a while and was out of work for years also with psychiatry more or less leaving me with my liberties hanging by a tread if I do anything to weird to those around me. It has not been fun. it’s not all bad either I have met brilliant people here) In a nutshell it got weird as in Alice not only have we gone down the rabbit hole , I think we found a whole other side of crazy.

So I have been living like two life’s more or less maybe more than two not sure. In one I appear to have a mental breakdown more or less when I moved in ( I had trouble before but this is off the wall ). I believed some V/P around me where doing all sorts of bad things to my person and being, affecting my sleep and mental well being etc. I will not go into to much detail but you would not wish it on your worst enemy. This has more or less continued nice and quite since for about 14 years. Those around me seem utterly oblivious to it. It is like they are in a different world to me. There was a few suicide attempts and was committed a few times.

See below from extract from site https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intrusive-thoughts#:~:text=Intrusive%20thoughts%20are%20thoughts%20that,may%20be%20violent%20or%20disturbing. this is a rather unpleasant experience to say the least.

Intrusive thoughts may be violent or disturbing. They may be thoughts of a sexual nature, including fantasies. They can also be about behaviors you find unacceptable and abhorrent. These thoughts, however, are just thoughts. They seemingly appear out of nowhere and cause anxiety, but they have no meaning in your life. They’re not warning messages or red flags. They’re simply thoughts.

Also see below from https://positivepsychology.com/intrusive-thoughts/#:~:text=A%20false%20memory%20is%20when,%E2%80%9D%20(Preston%2C%202016).

A false memory is when “the sufferer gets an intrusive thought that they’ve done something in the past and the sufferer cannot differentiate whether the thought is a memory or an intrusive thought” (Preston, 2016).

Dave Preston, an author and blogger who struggles with his own OCD diagnosis, writes that these distressing, false memories can come at any time; it might be a few hours after the event supposedly happened, or years after. Regardless of the time frame, the common factor in these false memories is often a “sudden, striking thought that something bad happened at a specified time and place” (Preston, 2016).

The memories may be vague or hazy at first, but as the individual grapples with it more, he or she will likely find that things start to sharpen and details begin to appear in their memory; of course, these details are false, but they don’t seem false to the person remembering them.

So these process above caught hold of me 14 years ago. There is usally something build into the memory that would imply it is false but it naturally comes with guilt, worry and thinking about way to much. I have many of these some no bother some are utter hell, Some are quite fun and I wish they where real but Unfortunately they are not. The hellish aspect of these (now this is where it gets a bit weird ) Seems to be picked up be some interfering folk around the place or actually created them not sure which they did while I was asleep to inflict an absolute living hell on my person and intrusive thoughts turned into a constant flow of horror inflicted on my being. I have no idea how this is done but I personally have experienced focusing on people and affecting them into doing stuff they did not want to do while they where fully aware of it happening to them (freaked them right out with a giggle of course) unfortunately for me this works both ways. No idea how or why but stronger and weaker might depend on how grounded you and they are. I might have something to do with aspects of trance states of mind as well. I have no idea.

I would usually fall asleep at night wake to freaky stuff and have new weird stuff I would need to deal with during that day. There have also been times I would be completely knocked out and no idea what was going on. I also have perceived people focus on my being doing all sorts of stuff no idea how any of it works also I am bit mad but there is some truth to this as best as I can tell.

Naturally a constant flow of this stuff would break anyone and it did. I was out of work (recession here at the time) I was in and out of mental hospitals I gained weight with these people working away in the background with everyone utterly oblivious to it. I hear from time to time they are trying to help , does not make much sense given the utter hell they opened up in my being 14 years ago. Their also appears to be event around the same time that involved the Divine can’t remember much about it but I think it was impressive stuff again this would have been a spiritual awakening I was not ready for and was to powerful for me to deal with on my own. I believe it involved a Church at the time. It was 14 years ago in my mind I was being stalked day and night by V/P. It was really weird.

It took about 6-8 years to recover from this breakdown(attack on my person). It took a lot of effort but I got there I ran 3 marathons and have been back working as a Steel Detailer for about 6 years or so.

Continued in Part—3

Tapering and other odd events.

The weather is still nice here in Cobh. Decided to have at least one lazy day a week, I guess this is it. Work is going well and I feel good at the moment.

About 4 weeks ago the tapering process came up a cropper. I woke on a Monday morning and suddenly felt massive irrational irritation and my voices went utterly ballistic. Things which I find to uncomfortable to blog about but which I relate to CSA as a kid resurfaced, this was upsetting but manageable. It was a challenge to say the least so I booked two days off work. I think one week in work I came up with weird and odd ways of dealing with voices every day.

I also decided given my precarious position to let work know my meds were being adjusted and not to panic it would sort itself out in few weeks. Also mentioned I had noticed some side effects and was unsure what people had noticed. They seemed ok about it.

To describe it, imagine on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being not really annoyed to 10 flipping out, my knee jerk reaction to just about everything was 7 or 8. It made the week interesting but I kept my cool if anyone noticed anything I don’t think it was Major.

Also noticed feeling almost high and low quite a few times in the space of about 5 minutes. Again I did my best to notice these feelings and let them pass on by. Also intensely aware of intense emotions which I seemed to associate to my voices , which they claimed they were using to attack me, but I couldn’t help but feel this is how they felt at the time. I did my best not to get swept away in the emotions and simply smile and let the emotions alone and some space without getting absorbed in to them.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks but last 2 week or so this has all slowly eased off. I have decided to go back to interacting with voices after 10 in the day. I try not to interact with them to much at work at moment as they are more pissed than usual. That said I have had a very quite few days recently.

I have had dizzy spells again this week and felt nauseous. At times I found it difficult to walk in a straight line. Depending who you ask all this would be a sign of tapering or the odd label I have been given or my odd head being my odd head.

I am happy and will argue to leave my current dosage of meds alone and see were I am at in 3 months.

The meditation continues to be of benefit which allows me to sleep well even when my mind is extremely busy. Noticed I was writing stories in my head a bit so might write these in another blog just to get them out of my head there mostly mad stuff but when I write them down there is usually something interesting about my life experience in them. Probably do light run in the morning. Doing little strength training at the moment with little yoga but nothing spectacular.

Still going strong as a vegetarian , have also cut out cream and nearly all cheese.😎

Hope this post finds you well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾✊🏻

Hearing Voices Committee

Greetings fellow humans.

I have the day off work today. Did little yoga and running this morning and it’s a nice evening here now.

Still practising meditation and yoga. Doing a more vigorous yoga class at the moment. I am used to running which is very competitive and your always trying to beat your times in races. Yoga is different your not competing with anybody just trying to get the hang of the pose and be mindful with your thoughts and breathing. It was a bit of shock to system trying more difficult yoga class the sweat was pouring out of me I had never done so many downward dogs in my life (it’s a easy looking yoga pose which is surprisingly difficult.) I am not sure I really want to stay at running it really tough on the body I always have aches and pains from it, yoga is much easier on the body now I am at plus side of forty. Running really was a joy in the past I am just not sure about it anymore.

I went to a comedy show last Saturday, it was funny enough. I plan to keep an eye out for comedy shows in future there quite enjoyable. I was proud I managed to be around so many people in theatre and still be in control of my thoughts and not get paranoid at things. I guess this was me making progress.

Finishing up large job in work hopefully it will be ok on site, there was a bit of a rush to get it out. Work relationships seem to be going ok hopefully stay this way. Sister started new job today hope it works out for her she has been out of work 2 years.

Made a compliant about my GP to HSE in relation to not reducing my meds. They gave me a email to some other body so I sent complaint to them. I don’t really think they will do much but I just want my voice heard somewhere. I also meet with a woman called Mary Maddock she wrote a book and is very against psychiatrists and had horrible experiences at there hands. I plan to read the book this evening. She might know a GP that may be able to help, see what happens I guess.

Meet with hearing voices committee today, that seem nice enough and are happy for me to be on committee. Will just play it by ear and hopefully make a useful contribution at some stage. Hoping to have hearing voices group possiblable set up before or around xmass again be interesting to see what happens.

Saw interesting Ted Talk “the magic off not giving a fuck” worth a look kinda funny. See link below.

Ted Talk

Hope your well

Keep up the good fight ✊🏾

The highs and lows of my odd little life.

Trigger warning “depression”  “suicide” “foul language” “CSA” 

Have not posted in a while was trying to do one post a week this year. Was having bit of a tough time for a while but I feel much better place now, so I plan to rant on about it below.

Not sure where to start so I guess I will just start writing. I have a few personal issues which I believed stemmed from CSA I survived as a kid. I don’t like to blame everything on my youth but not acknowledging it has had an impact on me just does not do justice to the effect it has had on me and doing my damdest to ignore it for years (seriously if you have any kind of trauma in your past try figure out way to deal with it , trust me ignoring it does not work I tried).

So I basically seem to watch everyone out of the corner of my eye pretty much all the time. Which frankly freaks people out especially woman. On top of this I can stare for few seconds at men and woman inappropriately which frankly also freaks the fuck out of people. Seeing people react to this does feed into my fears (unusual beliefs, paranoia whatever label you want to give it) that I am basically the most evil thing in creation. As you can imagine this is not a good feeling.

In work it felt like I was in a pressure cooker situation and something was going to give. Purely from the inappropriate behaviour I was showing. The work environment was utterly toxic which did not help anyone’s mental health in work whatsoever. I could hear the woman at work discussing angrily with the boss about this behaviour when I was not in the room (since I hear voices not sure if this was real or just my mind warning about my behaviour). I have practising various meditation techniques from the start of the year which are helping but there is still a massive issue.

 I had asked my family’s and friend and previous therapist advice on telling work I have issues with my mental health, I got an overwhelming no from all of them. So I was sitting there and felt I was going to quit and thought fuck it I have nothing to loose I am basically going to tell my boss that I have personal mental health issues.

I basically sent him an email stating, I can act like a right odd ball which I believe stem from childhood trauma and a link to Eleanor Longden Ted talk saying I have some similarities with her life experiences. And if he can’t work with me because of this to please keep this information to himself. 

5 minutes later he called me into quick meeting, which he said my job was safe and he was happy with my work. And that it takes all kinds to make up a work office and that other people in the office have there issues as well and that’s fine and he would look at link later. The office environment seemed to change to some extent over the next week or so it did not feel as toxic but I basically felt I had just bought myself time to figure out how not to act odd. I would have liked to thank him for pointing out it takes all kinds to make up office environment. Up until now I would simply quit a job if there was any drama. I guess drama is normal in work life I just didn’t figure that out.

It was effecting me at home as well I was feeling very depressed. It really is not nice to feel like creepy old guy in the office and in life in general. I went to my councillor which I had not seen in a while to try to discuss but he did not communicate anything useful to me utter than I was not making any eye contact which he said I was very good at before. He also said I should just stop looking at people , it’s hard to describe a behaviour which you do even do you know you should just stop but I was utterly fucked if I could figure out how to stop acting what I would describe as being hyper vigilant and traumatised. I left feeling more depressed than I went in and felt more depressed for few days after the session. I started having thoughts that this is simply not a life worth living (one of my critical voices said she does not want to die at the time). I just felt I was going to continue to act utterly inappropriate around people for the rest of my life and that was that. I currently choose not to interact with people because of this. I knew that these thoughts pattern can go to a very negative place. Around the same time I saw something on twitter from another CSA survivor that you should look for a trauma based therapist.

So I popped trauma based therapist into google and found a woman locally who seems to know  her stuff been to one session. With out going into to much detail she agreed that my behaviour is related to CSA trauma as a kid but it had been going on for over 20 odd years so not sure if it’s habitual as well at this stage. We mapped out various things on paper which seemed to make sense and I have not really been able to communicate to my previous therapists. She also gave me a book . See pic below. I thought I would fly through it but it’s tougher than I thought but I get really good vibes from some of the excercises espically setting boundaries around yourself. I feel it has helped me understand certain aspects of trauma I have never understood.

During this time I spotted something Jacqui Dillon was doing on her web site and decided to contribute.  My story is Under Mike and my odd little life if you want to have a noise. See link here Testimonies .

So that’s me finished ranting if there was anything I learned from this little episode in my life it’s that it’s hard to live without hope.

As I’ve said I feel in a better place know. Also I genuinely feel meditation every morning helped to get me in a positive mind set every morning despite how I felt in general. I honestly thing it helped me through a tough patch. Can’t recommend it enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight✊🏾😀

Mind Over Marathon and my meds

Had the 2 episodes of mind over marathon on BBC recorded watched them yesturday. I won’t lie it brought a tear to my eye. After watching it I felt inspired to start training for another marathon. I particularly liked were it portrayed the idea that people with a mental illness are part of society not outside of it. One person also touched on the idea that the label mental illness is bad because it has the term mental in it. Which seems to describe something else in society not someone who is like every one else just can sometime have trouble getting by. It got me thinking mental illness can be changed to someone having a social disturbance! By which I mean they are acting in a way the society there are in would define as unacceptable. Or there having difficulty just trying to cope in the society they are in with the life experiences they have had. Not sure if that makes sense but it does to me 😉. It definitely worth a watch if you can find it. 

Was listening to  Pretty sane (great blog by the way you should check it out) on the radio this morning and it was very interesting. It got me thinking about my medication as best as I can tell antipsychotic meds are supposed to get rid of Phychosis and voices but my meds are not doing any of this. So I guess I am going to question my GP on this. I would suggest either different meds or coming off them altogether. I am currently on a reduced dosage than I used to be and I am managing fine despite being told by everyone around me I would basically end up back in hospital. In the last while or so I have learned that stress is a massive factor in my symptoms. Like when I took on to much extra work and not giving myself a break on weekends my visual hallucinations kicked in , I can only describe them as seeing white light flowing like you would see a fire except its white light.  I cut out the extra work completely and the visual hallucinations seemed to cut out. I see visual hallucinations as a early warning signal from my brain I am under to much stress and need time for myself. I get a range of other symptoms which I gradually learned are just the internal workings of my brain from trauma in my past. The GP can sometimes just fob me off when it comes to meds probably because of my history of none compliance in my past which I understand but I not in the same position I was 10 years ago, I would imagine few would be, anyway I intend to question GP get his opinion.

I also saw some information on hearing voices that basically the society you are in shapes the voices you hear either there violent or playful. The link here is one study on the topic it’s worth a read if you have time, it says it may have implications for how schizophrenia is treated. News report voices shaped by local culture.

I usually struggle to sleep but I get by, unfortunately my father woke me during the week and kept waking me during the night with noise. I was knackered by Thursday and decided to skip my run that night. I also started to monitor my resting heart rate in the morning and my garmin watch has a stress score I think linked to HRV. It was going fine until Friday morning it dropped by a load and the next day it was maxed. My heart rate stress went from about 12 out of 100 to 96 out of 100. The only things I could thing of affecting it was general tiredness possible the effects of my risperdol injection and having my bloods done day or two before. It’s hard to tell. I usually am slower at running after my injection but I have never monitored my heart rate through this before. So if it is my injection that affects my running I am going to have to adapt my running plans around it. I intend to monitor and adapt my running accordingly. It might be best to take a day or two off not sure but heart rate score was 56 out of 100 today so it seems to be recovering.

 I came across a game in which the main character has a mental illness. The makers where in touch with people who hear voices like Rai Waddingham to get the effect of the mental illness as real as possible. Link to YouTube promo here worth a look if your into games YouTube link.

Well I have ranted on long enough.

Hope this post finds you well.

Keep up the good fight.🏃🏼👍🏼